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#121 of 215 Old 10-12-2005, 07:26 PM
 
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Can I join?? I didn't know this thread was here.

My father is a severe alcoholic. In fact, two weeks before my wedding (this past September 17th) his girlfriend put a restraining order against him. He was homeless for 3 weeks...living out of his van in a supermarket parking lot. I tried to help him, but I didn't go as far as offering him a room. We have 4 spare bedrooms, but I didn't want him drinking in our house. Is that mean?

So I do all I can to talk to both of them and see if I can help. I got my father's things from his girlfriend's house (I had to be supervised by a cop) and packed them all up for my father. He came the next morning and left without really saying anything. It was so bizarre.

Apparently he is drinking 30+ cans of beer a day now. I honestly don't know how he's still alive. Doctors have told me that if he tries to recover, he will die.

But after all of this, and after I tried to help him he failed to show up to my WEDDING!! Yes, that's right. I waited and waited and waited for him to get there to walk me down the aisle. But he didn't show up. My wonderful brother walked me down We even had a whole section to honor our parents. I had to stand in front of 110 people and say nice things about my father which I made up. It was so hard.

So he hasn't called me or tried to contact me since. I don't care. I am fed up of all of this. He NEVER showed up to things that were important to me as a kid. I should have seen this coming...

But I am not angry. I am merely disappointed and feel hurt. I don't know what to do. I do not want to be the one who makes the first move.

Gah...I guess I just had to vent. Sorry guys

I'm glad there's a thread for this.

Mama to DD 06' Partner to Sasa
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#122 of 215 Old 10-12-2005, 10:45 PM
 
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I am the daughter of an alcoholic who comes from a family of alcoholics. My paternal great-grandfather drank wood alcohol when the liquor ran out. As for my father, I haven't seen him since 1989. He left for work and he never came back. As far as I know, he has a job and housing through the Salvation Army. I know he is alive because my poor Mom is just NOW getting the child support he owed her (and I am well past 18 years old). He also was diagnosed with manic depression (now call bi-polarism, I believe).

How does it effect me now as an adult growing up around an alcoholic? I think I have a tendency to negatively view the men in my life and distrust them. I keep a barrier up so that I can't get hurt again. Also, my father was given to rages, and I see some of his temper in myself.

I've talked a little bit about him with a counselor when my DH and I were having marital issues. I used to be mad at him but now I just don't really care.

Jen, Mom to DS (8) , DD (5) & Alli
(1-04) (8-09)
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#123 of 215 Old 10-12-2005, 10:49 PM
 
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HI every one,

Thanks for your honesty and courage in telling your stories.

It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our experiences with alcoholism.

Hairy arm pits (great visual) I no longer have to care for my parents as they are self sufficient so I can't offer much advice there. However, I can tell you that Al-anon has been extremely beneficial to me. It is a twelve step program and it teaches you the importance of detachment and self care. Even my children and the recovering addicts in my life are benefiting from my personal growth and they notice the positive changes.

"The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness. Instead of thinking of it as an eraser to wipe anothers slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone not guilty, I think of forgiveness as scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or past hurt. By releasing resentment I set myself free.

When I am consumed with negativity over another persons behavior, I have lost my focus. I needn't tolerate what I consider unaceptable, but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation. If htere is action to take I am free to take it. Where I am powerless to change a situation, I will turn it over to my higher power. By truly letting go , I detach and forgive.

When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or the quiet voice of guidance within me. I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go."

- (Courage to change) an al-anon book of affirmations

Any way...we can't change the past and we are only responsable for our own happiness.

I wish you all peace.
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#124 of 215 Old 10-26-2005, 03:32 PM
 
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Sorry it took so long to get back to this thread... it always takes more time and energy to post here for me than it does to go chit-chat about diapers and such!

Leatherette~ thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one! How has it been lataly between you and your mom? Same old same old? I've actually had a couple of pretty good conversations with my dad since I posted, so I guess that's a start... he seems to be settling in more to his (yet another) new "persona"... you know, the newly-divorced-recently-handicapped-non-drinker-dad!

mom2littlebean~ also wanted to thank you for reading my post and responding... the passage you quoted actually went right over my head the first time I read it, but I just read it again and it totally spoke to me! Guess I'll check out a meeting or two... have you ever been to an acoa? have you ever been to a meeting on-line? :

Thanks again mamas...
~brooke~

Brooke: a glass~blowin' hand~drummin' tree~huggin' home~birthin' earth~lovin' goddess~mama of 3!
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#125 of 215 Old 10-26-2005, 05:52 PM
 
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Wow, it is so sad and amazing that so many of us have this in common.

I come from a long line of alcoholics and addicts. My Dad dies of Cirrhosis at age 29 (induced by Hepatitis-C from heroin). My mom, aunt, uncle, grandpa and grandma also have HepC from Heroin. My uncle and g-ma are dead too. Aunt and Mom are in remission, g-pa now has cirrhosis.

I have finally cut off ALL of my family, including my Mom. It's tough and most people think you should "work it out" and forgive and blahblahblah. People say, "Oh everyone's family is screwed up in some way". I am sorry but that doesnt excuse it YK? I feel their behavior is inexcusable and unforgivable - they're still toxin, regardless of sobriety.

I am off to read more of the thread - I am sure we all have a lot in common.
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#126 of 215 Old 10-27-2005, 09:09 PM
 
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I have never been to acoa because I live in a small town and is not here. But I would love to go...I think it would benefit me greatly.

As for on line meetings I have never done that either...how do I hook up to this?

Thanks.

Signed,'
happily in recovery
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#127 of 215 Old 10-27-2005, 10:54 PM
 
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*

Dawn, mama to D (3.06) & N (9.07) C (11.09) & Still-in-shock surprise due in Aug!
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#128 of 215 Old 10-29-2005, 11:14 PM
 
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Welcome Daisie125,
I so feel your pain as I read your words. I too lived in extreme embarrasment of my parents. I rarely saw my mother through out my childhood, maybe twice a year and she was always a mess and always with sketchy characters. My Dad was more of a presence in my life when he was sober but when he wasn't he was often seen living in the park and would approach my friends at the bus stop begging for money and I would hear about it at school. It was devastating. As a result my self esteem plummeted and well I grew up with all the issues of an adult child of an alcoholic.I have spent much of my life in anger and resentment.

With the help of support groups like al anon I have been able to let go of resentments and overcome my anger(which all surfaced and affected my marriage). I can actually now live with compassion and understanding for my Father and forgiveness for both of my parents.

My kids are still kept at an arms length away from them and when my mom is high my kids are not allowed near her.My Dad is sober now 10 years and I am able to have a deeper relatioship with him.

I have a job to protect my kids from harms way and that is priority over hurting anyones feelings or keeping the family peace.

Anyway...I just wanted to express a warm welcome to you.
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#129 of 215 Old 10-09-2006, 02:49 AM
 
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Hi All,

Was just thinking about this tonight and wanted to revive the thread......

My mother did acknowledge my birthday with a card this year, but when I wrote back to her to tell her what the kids were up to, etc..............no response. She loves to think that she is in control......

Ick.

L.
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#130 of 215 Old 10-10-2006, 12:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Leatherette View Post
Hi All,

Was just thinking about this tonight and wanted to revive the thread......

My mother did acknowledge my birthday with a card this year, but when I wrote back to her to tell her what the kids were up to, etc..............no response. She loves to think that she is in control......

Ick.

L.
I'm so sorry.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#131 of 215 Old 10-10-2006, 01:39 AM
 
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I too am an ACOA. Will be back to post soon, right now ds2 won't let me type!
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#132 of 215 Old 10-11-2006, 03:16 PM
 
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Both my father and my husband's father were bad alcoholics. Never any physical abuse but plenty of neglect and emotional. Both of our fathers are now sober but the personality traits that went with the alcoholism are still there.

My father joined AA seriously about 7 years ago and became sober a few years later. He cleaned himself up, started to volunteer with children, got his health at least treated, and I was so glad to have that relationship with him again. Then this spring, he went off the anti-depressants he'd been on. He began a blog and it turned from a few posts about his painting with slight political overtones to a full-out right wing nutjob rant. Links to really despicable people, saying all sorts of nonsense about immigrants, despite having been married to an illegal immigrant for many years, etc.

We e-mailed back and forth about it but he would never address what I said, either about his political ideas, or about the fact that he was probably acting that way due to the side-effects of coming off the pills, which he'd admitted were really bad a few weeks prior. It ended with a horrible phone call where he still refused to address the issues, was very belligerant, and when I brought up the main point that it wasn't that I disagreed with his ideals that was the problem, but the fact that he'd never had them before, he accused me of never knowing him or taking the time to know him. Of course that was complete BS but it sure did the trick of pushing me away.

Since then, he deleted all the posts in his blog about that stuff and e-mailed me to ask if we could just focus on the stuff we have in common. But until he's willing to address those underlying issues of his sudden personality change and the medication, I can't make small talk. I did that with my mother for years and it drove me crazy.

I'm very sad because I miss him a lot. And often I think, "Why don't you just write him and talk to him again?" And then I remember the things he said to me on the phone, and what he posted, and the people he linked to. And it makes me sick. So I don't.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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#133 of 215 Old 10-11-2006, 08:34 PM
 
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Pikkumyy,
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#134 of 215 Old 10-11-2006, 09:50 PM
 
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Thanks, Leatherette.

I've had that same thing with my mom that you mentioned above with the sudden insistence on closeness.

In a nutshell, both of my parents were involved in and raised me in a religious cult. It affected my mother most, as she stayed for much longer than my father. Since then, I've worked really hard to build a relationship with her. But now she suddenly expects everything to be hunky dory as if we never had these problems and as if she was the one who did the hard work to get us closer, and not me!

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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#135 of 215 Old 10-11-2006, 10:07 PM
 
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Leatherette & PikkuMyy

Just saw this thread on the new posts page. And sadly I belong.

My father died of cirrhosis when I was 16. And I was greatly relieved at the time and still am since I don't have to deal with his crap. My mother is somewhat delusional & she still spends her time, 20+ years later, trying to tell me it wasn't as bad as I remember and that he was really a great and loving man. I've let go of a lot, but I'm still hurting, especially since I've become a mother. I could never do what either of my parents did to my daughter.

I drank excessively in my teens/early 20's but realized I didn't want to go down that path & didn't drink for a few years. I love the feeling I have when I drink, even one, so I do think part of it is genetic. Now I drink every once in awhile, but I'm very aware of the motivations behind it & I have a drink or two, maybe 3-4x/year.
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#136 of 215 Old 10-13-2006, 11:42 PM
 
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Have you ever attended an al-anon meeting (I haven't)?

I've spent time in al-anon, acoa, and coda rooms, and have gained a lot of healing from working the steps, as well as gaining guidance from various other people in my life.

Do you trust you parent(s) around your children (I don't)?

I live far away from the parent and don't have much contact.


Do you talk to your kids about alcohol, do you tell them to avoid it (I do)?

my oldest is six, and we have had an age appropriate conversation about it.
just about how it's not good to drink in excess, etc. when my daughters are older I do intend to talk to them about the family history and their own predisposition, and the problems I had with it as a teenager/young adult. I will most certainly not advocate underage drinking in our house as my parents did.

My heart goes out to everyone here who carries this burden, especially to those who lost someone close to them. So many times I've said it feels for me like I'm orphaned when my parent is still living, which is such a strange, painful thing.
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#137 of 215 Old 10-16-2006, 01:55 AM
 
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Hi Mata,

I have been to ACOA meetings and have found them helpful at certain times of my life, but I can't do it for ever - I find it overwhelming, and then I have to take a break. Which I am doing right now. Part of what is hard is that a lot of the members have such tough lives and were abused in multiple ways (I wasn't, just neglected and some verbal abuse), and having such a terrible time, I felt bad being there. My present life is pretty good, and I think I have been able to make good choices despite my upbringing.

My dad committed suicide 10 years ago, and my mom stopped talking to me 6 years ago. It did not come up, as my mother stopped talking to me right after my first child was born, but no, I would not have trusted her with my children.

I am not sure when I will start directly talking to my kids about alcohol. My oldest is five, and he knows things like car crashes can happen if people drive when they have had too much to drink. We have said things offhand about it not being good for your body to drink too much alcohol, etc.

L.
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#138 of 215 Old 10-16-2006, 03:58 AM
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Jeez..I didn't even see this thread when I posted my huge thread about my step father.

My step father has been an alcoholic since....probably before I was born. It's gotten steadily worse the older I get. I thought perhaps he would back off once I was no longer an irritating teenager, but apparently not. He's now a diabetic because of it. I never went to an alanon meeting or anything. I commiserate with my husband, whose own father died of liver failure brought on by alcoholism. Now both of his sisters are well on their way to being alcoholics, and it simply enrages him.

My mother is stone-cold sober, she never drinks (I'm sure I could count on one hand how many times I can remember her even indulging in something as innocent as a single Bartles and Jaymes). I would trust my mother with my daughter, but I don't with my dad. I've told my mom I won't let DD be alone with him in the house.

My daughter is only 18 months, and I plan on sharing my experience with my father, and my husband's father, with her. Moderation (for anything) is something I plan to teach her, but I'm afraid teaching her that alcohol is only for "grown ups" would make her more inclined to try it as a teenager to act more grown up. I drink, as does my husband, but not to the point of being drunk (a beer or two is my max..not because I get drunk, but because I get tired and go to bed! Lol) I don't want her to fear alcohol, I just want her to understand what it can do to people, and how it's not the answer to any problem, ever.
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#139 of 215 Old 10-16-2006, 09:47 AM
 
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Moderation (for anything) is something I plan to teach her, but I'm afraid teaching her that alcohol is only for "grown ups" would make her more inclined to try it as a teenager to act more grown up. I drink, as does my husband, but not to the point of being drunk (a beer or two is my max..not because I get drunk, but because I get tired and go to bed! Lol) I don't want her to fear alcohol, I just want her to understand what it can do to people, and how it's not the answer to any problem, ever.
I feel this exact same way.
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#140 of 215 Old 10-16-2006, 11:18 AM
 
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Hi Mata,

I have been to ACOA meetings and have found them helpful at certain times of my life, but I can't do it for ever - I find it overwhelming, and then I have to take a break. Which I am doing right now. Part of what is hard is that a lot of the members have such tough lives and were abused in multiple ways (I wasn't, just neglected and some verbal abuse), and having such a terrible time, I felt bad being there. My present life is pretty good, and I think I have been able to make good choices despite my upbringing.

My dad committed suicide 10 years ago, and my mom stopped talking to me 6 years ago. It did not come up, as my mother stopped talking to me right after my first child was born, but no, I would not have trusted her with my children.

L.


not that it's a competition, but it sounds like you've had to overcome a lot yourself, Leatherette-I'm happy you're in a good place now.

My experience w/ACOA was that it was pretty hardcore, too-it was a good place for me to let my anger flow uncensored, and I'm really grateful it was there for me. I can't imagine what it would be like if I were still walking around with that anger inside. Getting rid of that truly gave me my life back.


I'm glad this thread is here-lately I've been wanting to discuss how this family history impacts parenting.
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#141 of 215 Old 10-17-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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and to everyone.

I'm so glad this thread was revived. I've never actually typed out my feelings about my father's alcoholism before. Heck, I've never really spoken much about it, either....

My father became an alcoholic when I was a baby and stopped drinking after I moved out of the house. My younger brothers were able to live with him sober (especially my youngest, who doesn't really remember the drinking), but I never was.

It's like he's this whole other person now. Not the father I grew up with. I don't know what happened to that guy....

I was never good enough for the father I grew up with. An "A" should have been an "A+." I was constantly lectured - and most of the time, the lectures didn't make any sense. I remember the one time I made him happy. In fact, I made him so happy that he cried. I told him I was afraid to ask him for money. I guess he was thrilled that I didn't want to ask for a handout? I don't know. The one time I made my father proud.

He drank at the bar beneath his downtown office, and he'd often just stay at his office overnight. When he did come home, I knew to stay in my room. It was easier that way. But, I was still a child who really wanted her father's love and approval, so sometimes I'd venture out. If he was in a good mood, he'd tickle me until it was too much. And then keep tickling me until he hurt me. Then he'd get mad at me. But, for a few minutes, he was just a dad tickling me - a dad just like anyone else's dad....

When he was at home, he would fall asleep in the chair, snoring so loudly it was amazinghe didn't wake himself up. Many of my memories include my father snoring in the chair. My mother would eventually just leave him there and go to bed, herself. She hated him for a long time, but didn't leave because of money. I can understand that, but I can't imagine staying in a relationship like that.

I remember my father being angry. All the time. When he was sober, he would angrily clean the house. My mother's cleaning wasn't good enough for him, so he'd wake us up on Saturday mornings and make us all clean like madmen. Or, we'd be packing for a trip, and he'd be angry about how late we were. He was an angry driver. He was angry about my grades. My lack of friends. The food in the house. Anything and everything.

It was only when he was drunk that he might be in a good mood.... Maybe. And those were the times I would try to win his affection. But even then, nothing I did was ever enough.

When I was a teenager, his beloved bar closed down. He wanted to bond with me, I think, and he took me to his bar and let me taste his scotch. I didn't drink. At all. I remember the terrible burning sensation in my throat, and I couldn't fathom why he would sit for hours drinking that stuff, spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars every month on it.... Then, he ordered me a margarita, and I guess they were trying to get rid of the last of the alcohol, because the drink must have been half tequila. He was so happy to have me at his bar with him, and he introduced me to everyone there.... I'd never felt so awkward in my life.

I remember storming out of the house not long before I moved away. We had another argument - about what, I have no clue. I drove off, but had no gas and nowhere to go, and it was the dead of night in December. So, I stayed at the post office for several hours, crying. I stopped talking to him for a long time after that - even after he quit drinking a few months later. You know, his sobering up even bothered me - and I felt guilty about that.... But all my life, he drank, and as soon as I left, he quit. It was like giving a gift to everyone but me, if that makes any sense. He cared enough about them to quit drinking, but not enough about me. I know that's not what was going through his head, and I'm genuinely glad he quit, but that was always in the back of my mind. Still is.

He stopped cold turkey without any sort of support group. He's been sober for ten years now. I spend a lot of time at my parents' house, and I still feel like everything I do is failing him.... It's like I can't let go of that mindset. I live my life knowing he's disappointed in me and feeling that disappoinment like a great weight on my back. Who knows if he is or not, but I can't shake it.... I've gotten to the point where I can convince myself that I just don't care what he thinks, but it's a big ol' lie. I do care. Too much. Just once, I'd like him to say he'd proud of me (for something that merits being proud), that I'm a good mother, that I'm a good daughter, that I'm doing a great job with my life. I don't need this from anyone else - just him.

Wow - that was quite a post. 'Specially for my first one. Anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.... There may be some typos, but I'm not quite ready to go back and reread what I've written.... I think typing it out is about all I can do today. Time to fix lunch.
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#142 of 215 Old 10-17-2006, 07:10 PM
 
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thank you for that thoughtful sharing post. i can relate directly to a lot of your feelings and experiences regarding your father. i'm sorry that you have had to experience this. it was never your fault.
my father still suffers from alcoholism and deep depression and he smokes heavily. i don't know how his body and spirit hold on. he's a sad man. he and my mom have been married over thirty years. as long as my mom can keep shopping (her addiction, well that and eating) she's happy. but they often don't treat each other very well, and have more of a mother-son relationship.
anyhow, welcome to mothering.com! i've found posting here to be a great source of support over the years...though now i don't have as much time to post.
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#143 of 215 Old 10-18-2006, 03:27 PM
 
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Thanks, Sparklemom.

I'm so happy to have found you guys.
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#144 of 215 Old 10-18-2006, 04:01 PM
 
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Wow! Amazing thread! I still have to read a good portion of it, but was astounded by the similarities that I'm seeing here.

I come from a long line of alcoholics. Grandfather died at 55, the man formerly known as my father is still trying to drink &/or drug himself to death at the age of 68. All of his siblings are addicts to either booze or other drugs of choice, as are several cousins & my own brothers have alcohol related issues. I had a severe drinking & drug problem in high school, yes, by the age of 16 I was losing months of my life to blackouts. I am proud of the fact that I made the choice to stop the addictions & turn my life around.

When I had children (both adults now) I agonized over telling them the truth about not only their Grandfather, but also my own stupid choices. I believe in telling them the truth always (well, 'cept those Santa-type surprises), I did tell them about my choices, the consequences of those choices & the fears I had for them. They witnessed my father's behavior & how it tore my family apart. They've been incredible support to me as I made the choice after my mother's death to end the relationship with a man that caused/causes me relentless pain. Pain from never being enough for him to love me & pain watching him destroy himself.

I believe that both my daughters made much better life choices than I did because they were informed. I have a lot of healing still to do, but I take great joy in knowing that I’ve taken a step in breaking that chain.
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#145 of 215 Old 10-23-2006, 07:49 PM
 
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Hi !
I am new here and I am not the child of an alcoholic but the daughter in law of one. My 12 yr. old daughter is now being affected by the situation. I found your post through an online search. My husband has never gone to an al a non meeting. For a little while he has not let it affect him but lately he has been pulled back in. Our daughter is no longer allowed to go to my in laws home. We DO NOT trust him. Our daughter has known about the problem since she was 5 yrs. old. We didn't want her to know but he came out and told her ( he was drunk when he did ) Lately she has been soo very worried about her grandmom. Our daughter calls her every day. And emails her as whenever possible. I am worried about my daughter .. so I now feel the need to get involved. I was wondering if any of you had any advice ?????

If any of you ever need a shoulder let me know ! Thank You in advance !
Amy
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#146 of 215 Old 10-23-2006, 07:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leatherette View Post
Have to add this:

When we were kids, we were left with our alcoholic grandparents for a week or two each year, with this instruction: "You know how grandma and grandpa act funny in the afternoon? Well, don't go anywhere in the car with them then."

Yikes, do you see that I am having to figure out the whole parenting thing from scratch?
My mother in laws excuse is that grandpop is feeling "under the weather" or "sick"
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#147 of 215 Old 10-23-2006, 08:00 PM
 
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I understand what your saying about every member being affected. I have been dealing with this for the 13 yrs. my hubby and I have been together. He has been dealing with it since he was 17 (he's 34) We moved one state over about 80 miles away. For awhile we ignored it. Now we have been sucked back in. Hubby's upset ( I have always tried to help him but have never said a lot to my in laws. I only got into with my father in law once. HOWEVER now that it is effecting our daughter , I am like a mother lion.
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#148 of 215 Old 10-23-2006, 08:21 PM
 
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My mother is a "functional alcoholic" I guess they call it. Not the kind that's always drunk, but the kind that's always buzzed, she's always got a rum and coke in her hand, that type. I think it's harder for people llike that to seek help because they don't see it as a problem. It isn't, most of the time. But she is with drinking how smokers are with smoking. If she's stressed, she makes a drink, etc. I think it's a way of dealing with her problems, and she doesn't see it as bad because she doesn't think she's a "real" alcoholic, her father was, so she says she knows what alcoholism looks like, but I guess there's a spectrum. She drinks and drives but isn't ever worried about it because she's "just a little over the limit" and so on. All my family is worried because she seems so unhappy all the time, but it just never seems quite bad enough to call for an intervention. I'm not all that worried about things like her dying from it or any of that, I just think there might be something she needs to deal with and she's avoiding it.

I'm a modifiedartist.gif DH is a reading.gif we have 2 angel.gifs, and DS is a rainbow1284.gif baby.gif
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#149 of 215 Old 10-24-2006, 12:56 AM
 
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My father is an alcoholic. I can specifically remember every Christmas Eve where my Mother would have to hunt him down at whatever bar he went to. He had his *usual* bar, but on Christmas Eve he made sure to go to a different one so we couldn't find him. There were other *golden* moments of childhood, too.

My Mother is an enabler. He quit drinking when she filed for divorce, but four years after that he got a DUI so who knows how long he had been drinking... Now she enables my brother.

I haven't spoken to my father in about 12 years. When his parents died I did not attend their funerals because I did not want to see him. I did see him about two weeks ago when my maternal Grandfather died, but I was in my car and he was walking by...

He is now in the hospital because he has bleeding on both sides of his brain, a fractured skull, and a fractured cervical vertebra (think he fell down the stairs, but who knows). I don't think I feel anything for this, although curiosity has me wondering what is going on with him.

I have never been to Al-Anon, but did go through some counseling when he *quit* in 1992. I drink when the pressure builds, but not regularly and not a lot (don't ask about the pre-baby days!). I can't see making a place in my life for alcohol, and I certainly cannot see how I could place alcohol above my family!!!

I feel cheated! I really do. I don't see how it was decided that I deserve a less-than-ideal father, when I sure could use one right now. I want to know *why*! I can't forgive him for the horrible (although under the influence) things he said to and about me. He was so nasty to me but yet he was so extraordinarily nice to my brother, so I don't even have that common bond between siblings that we can share.

I guess I *do* have a lot of issues to work through!

Samantha, Mama to Elizabeth, September 24, 2004
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#150 of 215 Old 10-26-2006, 12:57 PM
 
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Good Morning Ladies! With the help of a wonderful wife, I have successfully raised two bright young men through college, while silently suffering chronic nightmares of my own childhood. I've given up thinking those nightmares will eventually end (I'm now 50). The experts say that the abused usually perpetuate generational abuse, but my reaction and life mission was to be the opposite of my parents. Although that allowed me to survive, it means I am looked to by the entire surviving family as the parent/ solver of all problems - a role I assumed when I was 13 when my mother forced me to begin protecting her from a man who became violent and utterly insane when drinking. When sober the man was obsessed with professional success and competition, and his expectations of offspring (mere extensions of himself) academic and athletic success to lend glory to himself were enforced by threats of violence (and actual severe beatings of me in particular framed as discipline)- as a child, the mere appearance of a bottle of scotch on a table would cause me to hide in attics or under blankets at the back of deep closets. As I young man I had to explain at school black eyes, split lips, back injuries etc. as weekend ice hockey injuries. Although he is long dead, my mother survives and refuses to discuss the past, particularly as it pertains to a younger brother who has become a reincarnation of the man. My advice to any teenage boy whose mother ever puts him in this position of family protector is to call the police immediately, and under no circumstances give in to a mother's plea to spare the parents' and family's reputation. Any mother who does this is worse than the sick and abusive husband and truly deserves jail time.
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