Daughters of Alcoholics Support - Page 8 - Mothering Forums

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#211 of 215 Old 07-23-2007, 05:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Leatherette View Post
She refuses to take any responsibility for her behavior (which was actually worse when sober than when drunk) or the damage that her drinking while we were growing up caused. It's all about her victimhood.

I guess she has some alcohol-induced brain damage, but I think the majority of the "memory loss" is a subconcious effort to protect herself and her image from the facts.
I just posted not too long ago about the realization that my mother still has an addiction problem, but this time it isn't alcohol. Interestingly, you are describing my mother's behavior in many aspects. As a matter of fact, I think because she never got over being the "victim" that she has relapsed. I don't think she was ever truly recovering, only "not drinking." I believe that this behavior is called being a dry drunk (?)

My mother has taken the "memory loss" one step further and now she is re-writing history. She'll take a story and change it up - usually to make herself look better. Of course, these are the events that I know the real truth about. I wonder if she actually believes these lies. I don't think she is doing this to put anyone else down.

Laura - Mom to ds (10) and dd (7) "Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life." Brian Andreas.

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#212 of 215 Old 07-23-2007, 10:05 PM
 
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I'm glad to have found this thread.

I am just finding out now that my father is probably an alcoholic. He has been violent and unpredictable my whole life but we all just thought "dad's moody" and "you know how dad is...". It suddenly clicked two weekends ago when we were at my parent's house getting a birthday present for ds. Now I have seen in the past few years how dad always has to have wine with dinner...always or he gets really angry and moody. He gets moody around 4:30 and everyone around him has to stop what they are doing and we all go out to eat somewhere where alcohol is served. Okay...so we were over there at 2:30. My dad ends work at 2, goes home and drinks some wine. We come back to their house from visiting my grandmother for an hour and he is asleep. My mom wakes him up to see ds open his birthday gift. He comes out and violently kicks his dog twice across the deck, and I tell him to stop in front of my kids. He sits near me and I smell wine really strong. Suddenly he starts talking really really loud to ds saying the same question over and over. Then he jumps on me about my business website and all that I should be doing and that he will do for me if I just give him my passwords, etc. We all go over to their water slide/kiddie pool. Suddenly he picks up the dog, throws it at the slide and knocks my dd off of the back of the slide!!! Then he goes down the slide head first and breaks his glasses. Then he repeats the behavior with the dog. He's violent, goofy, smells like wine. We decide to leave b/c I am really really uncomfortable and angry that my was launched off the slide. I get an email a few days later about how my dd seemed upset when we left b/c she would have liked to go to dinner with her grandparents like they usually do from my mother. I tell her that dad's behavior with the dog and with my dd falling was unacceptable and that I think he was drinking too much and that we will leave every time that happens. She sends a very cold email back to me about how I expect too much from this family and that I expect perfection from people. Dad is "very hurt" by what I said and that he certainly wasn't drunk and that there is nothing wrong with a bit of wine. And that my dd wasn't upset about falling off (uh, wrong) : . Then she says that he was just excited to have the kids over and that when he is excited he becomes a kid again and that is just dad, so deal with it. : : I am so mad!!! She completely covered up what was obviously alcohol impaired behavior!! Is this normal enabler/co-dependent behavior? How can she NOT see the obvious right in front of her?
Suddenly it hit me while driving home in shock that this is exactly how he acted when I was a child. He was erratic, violent, etc., and suddenly I thought, "OHMIGOSH, he has been drinking all of these years???" I sent an email to my brother which confirms that my dad has been drinking a long time and that he thinks that my dad is an alcoholic, too, but my parents can't see it. They think that he can control the drinking and he only drinks wine and doesn't walk around drunk all the time so he can't possibly be an alcoholic. It's a little shocking to know why I lived in such a violent home! It is freeing at the same time to know WHY and to know why I won't ever repeat what they did.
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#213 of 215 Old 07-24-2007, 04:24 AM
 
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She completely covered up what was obviously alcohol impaired behavior!! Is this normal enabler/co-dependent behavior? How can she NOT see the obvious right in front of her?
i am frequently astounded by my mom's ability for the same type of behavior. she denies all reality for the sake of appearances. i think you must be right...it's normal enabler/co-dependent behavior. sad, and so frustrating, hurtful and just plain pisses me off sometimes.
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#214 of 215 Old 07-24-2007, 05:07 AM
 
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i am frequently astounded by my mom's ability for the same type of behavior. she denies all reality for the sake of appearances. i think you must be right...it's normal enabler/co-dependent behavior. sad, and so frustrating, hurtful and just plain pisses me off sometimes.
I agree. My Mother has not lived with my alcoholic father for 15 years, yet she still has enabler/co-dependent issues with my brother. My brother is not an alcoholic per say, but he is a gambler.

She always complains that she does all this work all the time and never gets to rest, but in reality, she is washing (and ironing) his clothes, washing his dishes, cooking him meals, and doing other *chores* he should be doing (like cutting the grass, shoveling snow, taking out garbage and recycling, etc.). He's 26, still lives at home, and makes more than twice what my Mother makes (but doesn't contribute to the food budget, go figure). He does pay the water bill and the DirecTV bill, but that's less than $150 a month. She enables him to live a carefree lifestyle with no responsibilities.

Sorry about the rant, but I'm beginning to think that co-dependedncy is a dis-ease that is just as valid as alcoholism. It needs to be treated because it is not healthy.

Samantha, Mama to Elizabeth, September 24, 2004
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#215 of 215 Old 07-24-2007, 07:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sparklemom View Post
i am frequently astounded by my mom's ability for the same type of behavior. she denies all reality for the sake of appearances. i think you must be right...it's normal enabler/co-dependent behavior. sad, and so frustrating, hurtful and just plain pisses me off sometimes.
My mother has 6 years sober herself and yet she refuses to discuss my father's renascent drinking problem. When I was in high school, he used to sit with a bottle of whisky by his recliner and get really nasty. He slowed down to just one glass of wine when she quit, but recently he has been so mean and nasty, and my mom accidentally let slip that he was drinking whisky again. I have been avoiding him, b/c he is so irrational when he is drunk (he actually wishes I didn't get married and have kids, as though I had a time machine or felt that way myself). And then the next day, he is all sweetness. I didn't know until recently that this was part of his alcoholic behavior. Sad, huh?

DS1 2004 ~ DS2 2005 ~ DD1 2008 ~ DS3 2010 ~ DD2 due Dec. 2014
On hospital bedrest for pPROM since 23 weeks
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