Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: the beautiful mountains of sunny Southern California
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm really struggling with this issue right now. My dad died 5+ years ago. He and my Mom owned their own (struggling) business and didn't have any life insurance. Since then, my Mom has been struggling financially. When DH and I moved just over a year ago, my Mom moved with us (geographically) and in with us. I deliberately bought a house that would work for DH and I, DS, DD (I was pregnant at the time) and DM - in the SHORT TERM. After Mom had been with us for a while, it became clear that she would never be able to live on her own - financially - because she wants to be "retired". She's 65 and in good health. I haven't yet decided if I'm resentful of functionally supporting her so that she can not work. I probably am. So DH and I are in the midst of working with an architect to add a 500 sf wing onto our house to accommodate my DM. In the meantime, my DM has the 2 bedrooms and the bath that are supposed to be for my DC, except right now we have a family bedroom. That SHOULD be fine, except that we're having major sleep issues with DD that would be much easier to deal with if we had another bedroom where me or DH could go to be with her so that DS can still get the sleep he needs. My Mom has even gone so far as to draw up a floor plan for the new wing that meets her needs - which is making me crazy beyond belief. I love my Mom and she's pretty good with the kids. She can't last very long with them before getting "tired", though, which was also part of our deal with her living with us. In short, I feel like DM is getting all the benefits of living here and I'm making all the sacrifices. I'm the working parent, too (DH is SAHD), so the pressure is on me (thankfully, and not DH) to keep working at a level to afford our current mortgage plus the big bucks to add on to the house.
I've also recently discovered that I'm incredibly resentful that this will never be "my" house. I can't guarantee that I can have a private conversation in the kitchen with DH without my Mom walking in. I can't have a fight with DH, either. In fact, I'm in tears right now over the whole thing, because I have come to realize that I do NOT want my Mom living with me for the rest of her life (and if she moves in now, I can only assume it's forever), and I don't see any way out of it. Like you, Apricot, I can't afford to keep DM in her own place. The extra mortgage expense of adding on to my house is a fraction of what an apartment would be. Arrgh.
Sorry for the novel, but maybe my POV helps a little, and it helped me a LOT to write some of this down. Thanks.