Is it morally okay to cut your parents out of your life? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 46 Old 05-06-2005, 10:53 PM
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If someone would have asked me this question ten years ago, I would have said no. At that time, I had never experienced what a truly toxic parental relationship could be like. Like you, I just really don't feel like going into all the dirty details, but we cut out dh's parents and his sister about two and a half years ago. While somethings are always going to be in your mind and some wounds never heal, it so much easier to come as close to completely healing as you can when you are able to cut out the toxicity in your life.

Everyone has different exeriences, but cutting them out was the best thing we ever did for our children, for us and everyone around us.

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#32 of 46 Old 05-07-2005, 04:08 AM
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Willemsmama, it sounds like you're making the right choice. You've suffered a lot of emotional abuse, and it sounds to me like you need to get away from it in every way you can.

Would you mind PMing me the name of the cult you're talking about? I fear someone I know is caught up in a situation like that, and I wish I knew how to help. Being able to find more information might help me, at least.
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#33 of 46 Old 05-09-2005, 06:06 PM
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oops, wrong thread.
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#34 of 46 Old 04-19-2008, 11:08 AM
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Wow, I can't believe there is another person in this world in the same situation as myself.
I felt like you were describing articulatly my whole life.
I will say this. No one will ever understand the way you feel unless they have gone through similar circumstances.
Don't bother with counselors, your wasting your time.
I would love to talk to you.
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#35 of 46 Old 04-19-2008, 12:45 PM
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Your parents sound a lot like mine, too. My parents aren't part of a cult, though. They're just mainstream Christians, but they're pretty fundamentalist. (One could argue that Christianity is a cult, though.) Another thing that's different is that they didn't want me to have an arranged marriage per se, but they didn't want me to be with Sam. My parents also live in PA. Sam and I moved to Tennessee and I'm so glad we did. We live far enough away that my parents wouldn't be able to drive there to see us and they probably wouldn't be able to afford 3 plane tickets and a stay in a hotel. I'm keeping my dad out of my life because he honestly acts like he hates me. I'm not talking to my mom on the phone at all, but I do email her sometimes, and she sends things for Jamie occasionally. So, to answer your question, I definitely would cut these people out of your life. I mean, going to your graduation and not even talking to you? That struck me as stalking.
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#36 of 46 Old 04-19-2008, 04:02 PM
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Absolutely. The sooner the better.
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#37 of 46 Old 04-20-2008, 12:32 AM
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I hope the last three posters see that this thread is three years old and any of the earlier posters may not be back.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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#38 of 46 Old 04-20-2008, 12:33 AM
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Aha. I wasn't aware of that. Thanks.
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#39 of 46 Old 04-20-2008, 08:34 AM
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Congratulations on becoming your own person and thriving DESPITE your parents. It shows a lot of strength to even THINK about cutting out your parents.
When you get married, your husband and children are your priority, not your parents. Can you give your husband your best when your parents have you tied in emotional knots? Do you want them to play the same mind games with your kids that they did with you?
If cutting ties with your folks is better for you, your husband and kids then I say it would be immoral for you to keep them in your life.
But like a PP said, try it for a while and see how it works. Then make a decision.

ooops!! Didn't see how it was...well I hope things worked out!!!

Mom of 4 aspiring midwife "Friend"ly seeker
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#40 of 46 Old 04-20-2008, 11:47 AM
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I have been in a similar situation. I can't relate to the arranged marriage (wow), but I can relate to having a good life now and realizing how messed up your life with your parents was and wanting to just forget all about them and that life.

Like some other responders have mentioned, take a break. If they call, either don't answer or make the converstation cordial, but very brief and get back to the life that you love. Take the reins and start creating boundaries. This will make you feel empowered and may help some of your depression.

Best of luck.
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#41 of 46 Old 04-20-2008, 05:25 PM
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Yes, there are situations where it is morally ok to cut your parents out of your life. Sometimes it is actually your obligation, in order to protect your family. DH and I had to cut MIL out of our lives in order to protect our marriage and our baby. I couldn't even begin to describe the nightmare that she has been to would take all day.

I wanted to pass along this website though, for anyone struggling with the question of whether or not to do this, or struggling with major parent/IL issues. It is a Christian-based site run by women (just wanted to give that disclaimer for anyone who might not be a fan), but there are some REALLY great articles on parent-child interaction that can help you assess your situation, how to handle certain circumstances, and when to walk away.

If you click on the links on the left, it gives you additional drop-down links to the articles. The site is primarily focused on emotional abuse, but it really is all-encompassing, and helped DH and I make the decision we made, and to know that we did the right thing. Hope someone finds it helpful

Mrs.Oz :, wife to Mr. Oz , mother to Boo : 2 years and Sissy 9 months.
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#42 of 46 Old 04-20-2008, 07:57 PM
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I find it sad but interesting that there aren't threads around that say: Do I leave/abandon my family/children in search of a better life (whatever that is) and yet there are moms all over this board from families of single mothers...or raised by their grandparents, etc. And I'm thinking more in terms of fathers who leave because that seems to be the majority of parents who leave--not mothers who leave WITH their children.
And yet, at the same time, there are threads like this all over the place that ask: why can't I, as an adult, break the ties with my parents who are ___fill in the blank: verbally or emotionally abusive, cruel, sexually abusive, toxic in a myriad of ways, etc., etc.,______?
I think if your parents are toxic, it's your responsibility to cut them loose. I disagree with the poster who said that her parent is ill and so now she is re-connecting with her parent. I hope it does work out for her, but guilt should never be a reason for a relationship---which may not be HER case--but it sounds like if YOU (the OP) continued in a relationship with your own parents it WOULD BE out of guilt. It doesn't sound like it's out of love.
I love my father, he is a limited human being in many many ways--but the difference between him and my mother is that now and then, he will surprise me and call me out of the blue and tell me that he has been thinking about me because he read an article in the paper about a project that I am involved in, etc. However, my mother is another story: I will call her (something that I have recently given up and SURPRISE SURPRISE--she does NOT call me--EVER) and she will literally cut me off in mid-sentence about something major that I have done: run a marathon, my child is now reading, potty trained, I just got a research contract, etc., and she will COMPLAIN about her dog, or her cable bill! She is not limited, like my father, she is selfish and ONLY cares about herself. She has NPD BIG TIME. And I cannot trust her with my feelings. Ever. She is poison.
So--I just say to myself: you are not my role model. And now I avoid her.
By the way--cutting your parents out of your life does not have to be this big official write-off with a letter or a phone call--it can be gradual, like not returning calls, not calling and allowing them to drift away--maybe passive aggressive in some ways...but healthiest for you. Like you might do with a person in your life that you realize is not meant to be a friend.
My brother did this to my mom long ago--and it actually worked really well. He said he was working whenever she demanded to drop everything and run to her house to fix this or that...and not caring about his responsibilities, etc. And he still sees them once in a while--but by and large, he knows his limits and avoids them. He will call Dad now and then (my parents are still together--but they might as well not be) and then he spends a few minutes talking to Dad--but as soon as he hears Mom's voice in the background--he gets off the phone. A slow break might be better in the long run...and then if you feel like you have to TELL them that you are terminating the relationship with them, then it will be in title only for the most part, if that makes sense.
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#43 of 46 Old 05-11-2008, 12:05 AM
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Okay, I have only read OP so I hope what I say fits. I know that threads can really get moving. It sounds like you definitely need a breather from your parents. It sounds to me like they have disowned you but have offered you a chance - whether it's a chance to control you or a chance to prove to themselves that they are being righteous, I don't know. Anyway, IMO, you need to stay away from them until you feel like you can handle them - stand up to them, not feel bad for any callous treatment from them. You need to heal, m'dear.
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#44 of 46 Old 05-11-2008, 12:16 AM
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In answer to the question in the title:

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#45 of 46 Old 05-11-2008, 12:23 AM
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I cut my father out about 20 years ago (he passed away 4 years ago) it was the best decision I ever made. He was absolutely TOXIC! I heard from my brother (who is next on the get outa my life list) that my father had passed. He couldn't understand why I was not willing to get on a plane at 8 months pregnant to go the funeral of a man I had not seen or spoken to in 16 years.

Do what you have to do for your sanity...unfortunately, you can't pick your family, but you don't need to keep them either.

Victim of Birth Rape & Coerced ribboncesarean.gifUnnecesareanribboncesarean.gif What makes people think they can cut up someone else's genitals? nocirc.gif
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#46 of 46 Old 05-11-2008, 12:48 AM
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Dr. Wayne Dyer answered a similar question this way

Paraphrasing but he said.

Relationships never end, but they do evolve and change and sometimes the best change is to not be together or around each other. Send the person love, forgive the person in your heart and move on with peace to a new place without guilt.
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