"New Mamas of Spirtual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call - Page 7 - Mothering Forums
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Personal Growth > "New Mamas of Spirtual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call
yaM yaM's Avatar yaM yaM 01:34 PM 07-01-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by allgirls
Is this the quote you were looking for?

You can send love from anywhere...sending love does not require you to be in the same room, the same town, the same country even...

and many many times it's easier to send love from a distance...how many times have you heard people say "we get along better now than we ever did when we were together" about their ex.


Yes - this is the one. . Thanks, allgirls!


You know, you are so, so right. . the 'from a distance' part.

In fact, I rememer, back in college. . I had been contemplating the true meaning of unconditional love for quite a long time. I came to the conclusion that the ability for one to have unconditional love for another was directly congruent with the amount of distance necessary to apply that value to any given relationship. I knew, even then (like fifteen years ago!) that even the most enlightened, spiritual beings needed to have enough distance from their enemy in order to truly love them unconditionally; to have compassion for them; to forgive them.


Thank you.

And thank you for all your wise words of wisdom and guidance to the mamas in need, here.

AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 01:43 PM 07-01-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMoMpls
Wow, This thread is bumming me out. What started as a spiritual support for marriage development has become a divorce thread. I am not blaming anyone. It is just sad that this is how working on marriage often turns out. I suppose the people who are most interested in working on marriage are the ones who are in the most pain. And clearly some of you are in terrible situations and I want to support your decision to do what is best for you and your families. But I fear the road ahead, for me and for so many other women. I want a powerful, healthy marriage. I don't have that. I don't have an abusive relationship. I just have a somewhat neglected marriage. And who wouldn't with two busy careers and two babies? If my marriage was a house plant- it would be screaming for water and dropping leaves. So watching so many of you dealing with the death of the dream for your marriages makes me sad and a bit cautious... you know like its contagious or something. I will keep coming but I am really struggling with posting. My love and support to all you beautiful women. Boy, the fairytales never talked about what happened ever after....


I truly want mine to work. My relationship seemed disconnected......we didn't fix it. Angelo seemed to spark things up for a while (he wasn't planned and was concieved after only being intimant 3 times in about 6 months.)

But now it is worse than before. The differance......I will not take this sitting down. I will fight until I KNOW there is no chance of us ever pulling through. I owe that to myself, the man I was once maddly in love with, and to my babies.
mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 05:45 PM 07-01-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMoMpls
Wow, This thread is bumming me out. What started as a spiritual support for marriage development has become a divorce thread. I am not blaming anyone. It is just sad that this is how working on marriage often turns out. I suppose the people who are most interested in working on marriage are the ones who are in the most pain. And clearly some of you are in terrible situations and I want to support your decision to do what is best for you and your families. But I fear the road ahead, for me and for so many other women. I want a powerful, healthy marriage. I don't have that. I don't have an abusive relationship. I just have a somewhat neglected marriage. And who wouldn't with two busy careers and two babies? If my marriage was a house plant- it would be screaming for water and dropping leaves. So watching so many of you dealing with the death of the dream for your marriages makes me sad and a bit cautious... you know like its contagious or something. I will keep coming but I am really struggling with posting. My love and support to all you beautiful women. Boy, the fairytales never talked about what happened ever after....
dont be bummed on my account, I am happy to be moving on.

I have been the one to EXPECT that marriage should be this and that....blind to the fact what we had was a child together and a piece of paper.

It has never been meant to be. We are getting along so much better now that we know we are ending it. I know for myself that I will never come back. I'm not sure what he is expecting and I dont think he does either. I wont abandon him...I do care and love him, as a friend and "co~parent" NOT a lover or husband.

And I can say for certain I will NEVER get "legally married" again! I would love to find an amazing man to share my life with, time will tell.

I'm already feeling more confident and calm, I'm ready to move on. We are leaving around the 25th. My sister is taking a Greyhound over to drive back with us

I find the TRUTH in this thread to be Amazing...life can be ugly and the fact that we are here together, a tribe a beautiful sisters supporting eachother, that is a BEAUTIFUL thing!


blessings~~
AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 06:19 PM 07-01-2005
Sarah....I wish you the very best! I am glad you are finding peace for you and your daughter.
ankh's Avatar ankh 07:10 PM 07-01-2005
Good for you Sarah, I wish you lots of luck on your new journey

Quote, sarah
"I find the TRUTH in this thread to be Amazing...life can be ugly and the fact that we are here together, a tribe a beautiful sisters supporting eachother, that is a BEAUTIFUL thing!"

Exactly....I totally agree, this thread is keeping my spirits up and I am grateful for all the stories and support.


mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 07:15 PM 07-01-2005
AngleBee~

thank you and I wish you all the best in your marriage...you said you were once madly in love, well, you had/have something precious with this person and you have a strong determination to turn it around that is HUGE, do your best to stay positive


MsMoMpls~

I went into a lot of OT stuff in my post (part of my processing this) and I didnt get to saying how blessed you are to have a marriage that works. I'm no expert at having great relationships but it makes sense to me to start with little things you can do to connect with you dh. Like, looking eachother in the eyes even in the midst of being busy. Sounds like you need some relationship maintenance and you know, my Dad always says, "Maintenance is cheaper than repairs" Hope that makes some sense
AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 02:44 AM 07-03-2005
How is everyone doing?

OFF TOPIC: MsMoMpls.....thank you for the counciling info! I am getting tested on Tues for ADD and have met a councilor that I am very comfortable with.

Pm me with an update on your parenting project. Things are slowing down at the dance academy now.....so I can maybe be of more assistance to you.
lilgreen's Avatar lilgreen 08:06 PM 07-05-2005
I just discovered this thread and just spent all afternoon reading through it and wanted to chime in and send hugs to all you ladies out there in need.

So much of what has been said here rings true with me. I have been seeing a counsellor for several months (dh doesn't know). Dh and I have been on a waitlist to see a counsellor for months. I've gone up and down, back and forth, in and out since February when things with dh got really bad.

What I've been working on with my counsellor is trying to take care of myself in our relationship - setting firm boundaries, saying what I feel, acknowledging that he owns his anger and I am not responsible for it, etc. But all this just seems to make our relationship worse. Things are 'peaceful' only when I become the quiet, agreeable, submissive wife I've let myself become over the years. So, either way, I feel responsible for the breakdown... dh would certainlly say it's all my fault.

What May May said is sort of how I feel - I'm barely surviving him and I don't want to do this my whole life: "I know that, even in the best of these situations, the abuser's *prognosis* is life-long; they do not ever really have some earth-shattering epiphany. At best, it is a slow, long process that involves chronic slip-ups and requires the woman to, basically, become a militant feminist who is constantly on her toes - hypervigilance - in her own home. I wouldn't want to have to do that as a means of survival for the rest of my life, nor would I want to continue letting it distract me and drain me from my presence and availability to my children. I also don't want it coloring my children's behavior, which is more likely to occur if we keep living together. "

But I can't be entirely without blame for the state of our marriage. I have given myself the role of victim, while withdrawing from the problem and cutting off communication out of fear, defiance, and resentment. I lie awake at night going over all the reasons why dh is not a good person. In doing this, though, I've become just like him - judgemental, mean, angry. It makes me so sick and then I get even more bummed about myself and, in turn, blame him. It's just awful.

I'm petrified my children will grow up to be like him. This can't be good for kids. Ds (3) has told me he is scared of dh and doesn't want him to tuck him into bed at night because he's scared dh will grab his arm real tight and hurt him like he has in the past. There is real fear in his eyes when he hears dh thumping up the stairs during a tantrum and I don't want ds to live like that.

But dh truly believes that is the best way to parent. A lot of people out there firmly believe in parenting with fear. I don't, but does that make me more righteous than him in these situations? I can't help but feel (maybe it's dh who is making me feel like this, and maybe he's right) that I'm being selfish when I disagree with his beliefs and try to defend mine against his. Dh and I are very different, our values conflict. And although he definitely has some bad characteristics/behaviours, does that necessarily make him a worse person? I don't want my children to carry on his values, which suggests I feel my values are better. Is that fair? Must I submit some of my integrity to apease our battles? Must I sacrifice what I feel is best for our children? If so, how can I do that without resentment?

Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm just trying to sort all this out in my head and hopefully provide some constructive thought to this thread soon. So much to think about. I appreciate the Four (plus one) Agreements... having them listed like this will help me stay focused as I try to work through the roughness of our relationship. If I can be strong and true, what will be will be.

Thank you all again so much for the thoughts.

Take very good care all of you...
lilgreen
ankh's Avatar ankh 11:13 PM 07-05-2005
Lilgreen..
AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 04:13 PM 07-06-2005
lilgreen
cynthia mosher's Avatar cynthia mosher 10:47 AM 07-09-2005
Moving this to Personal Growth...
AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 05:12 PM 07-09-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynthia Mosher
Moving this to Personal Growth...
Thank you Cynthia!!!

How is everyone doing?
yaM yaM's Avatar yaM yaM 07:14 PM 07-09-2005
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AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 08:04 PM 07-09-2005
May May
I wish you luck on your new journey...
mrsalf97's Avatar mrsalf97 08:14 PM 07-09-2005
Rules to live by. Thanks for posting, I really need this right now.
yaM yaM's Avatar yaM yaM 08:15 PM 07-09-2005
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AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 08:21 PM 07-09-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by May May
And to you, my love, Angelbee
Awww.....shucks......
loved's Avatar loved 10:32 PM 07-09-2005
My husband filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. He want's full custody of the children. I am scrambling for a job and am so full of fear.
We are still living in the same house. I am jealous of those who ask their's to leave-and he does...we are basically walking around eachother like a stand-off. It's so, so awful - I can't even say. He's so calm and cool and collected and I feel like I am falling apart at the seams. I need to get out of this house - but housing here is at a premium and extremly expensive AND I don't want to be the one that leaves - he should be the one that goes and he thinks I should.
I am isolated and sad - living in a town, in a state, I never wanted to live in looking for a job I never wanted to work at - but my best chance, it seems of getting custody of the children is if I stay here and prove to the court I can support them, somehow. It's complicated and I can't hardly think clearly.
I am hanging onto just breathing. And trying to remember self-care and that this too shall pass.

I appreciate your prayers and thoughts of strength, mamas. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 12:00 AM 07-10-2005
***loved***

I dont know what to say except I'm so sorry you are going through this awful time...you fight for your babies mama and for yourself, you can do it, we are here for you~dont give up!

so much love to you~~~~~~~~~

and many blessings~~~~~~~
mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 12:03 AM 07-10-2005
**lilgreen**


a thought.....a group meditation (tomorrow if that would be good for everyone) sending love and good vibes to all of us going through these hard transitional times??


anyone??

blessings all
loved's Avatar loved 02:45 PM 07-10-2005
I'm there!
Really, I'm HERE being aware and awake and alive.
Lit a candle in my heart for us all.

AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 03:17 PM 07-10-2005
Sarah...I'm in.

Loved...I am so very sorry.
mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 05:19 PM 07-10-2005


i'm sitting down to meditate now....join me if you can


peace~
yaM yaM's Avatar yaM yaM 05:22 PM 07-10-2005
I'm on board!
AngelBee's Avatar AngelBee 03:51 AM 07-11-2005
Ok....I missed it but will do a make up session of prayer!
mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 07:48 PM 07-11-2005
hey mamas


hows things with everyone?

i sent good vibes to you all yesterday...would sunday be a good day for another group meditation?

my plan to leave hasnt changed, i started on my seperation packet today....its a BIG packet


blessings~~
loved's Avatar loved 03:15 AM 07-12-2005
Today I mostly had some hope. I feel like maybe I can do this. Maybe I am worthwhile and a good mother and can beat this.

you know, there was a time when I never, ever doubted my worth as a woman, as a person, as a mother.

this relationship has squashed that. splat. I had been feeling like was going slowly crazy by all his doubt of me and superior-ness and disrespect and lack of support.

maybe i really can gain that all back. I have hope today - or maybe it's a glimmer of faith. Faith that I am NOT all this stuff - I am not my "story" - i am so much more.
yaM yaM's Avatar yaM yaM 06:42 AM 07-12-2005
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mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 12:37 PM 07-12-2005
loved and May May

I totally know what you are saying mamas.

Loved~~

you CAN do this, you deserve all the happiness in the universe...believe in yourself

May May~

I love all your beautiful, inspiring posts

blessings~~~~~~~~~
lilgreen's Avatar lilgreen 11:07 AM 07-17-2005
Thank you so much for the hugs and support.

I just re-stumbled on this thread (I didn't bother checking it since parents and partners was closed), so I missed the group meditation. You are all in my thoughts, though!

Loved, keep the faith alive... I don't doubt your true self is far away. I hope you can move into your own space soon.

May May... what you said about being beaten down and having so many leaks sounds very familiar. I appreciate your insight so much.

And, to everyone else.

I'm still struggling and I feel like time is running out. Dh has lost patience and I just can't seem to find the will to try any more. I am hoping we can start counselling soon. I just worry that I won't be able to say the truth. But, at least it's something. I give birth soon, though, so I'm even more petrified how we will cope with that. My poor baby - I feel so awful for bringing him/her into this right now I'm working on being present in the moment for ds and this baby to offset any lingering tensions they might experience. That part is going well.

Take good care all of you!
lilgreen
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