"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 182 Old 04-26-2006, 12:38 AM
 
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Hi all.

Today I sent my mum an email and asked her not to contact me for a year.

It feels good, mostly. But I'm still afraid of her.

Rigama - hope you're doing well. Hell, I hope everyone is doing okay.
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#122 of 182 Old 04-26-2006, 03:15 AM
 
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Tapioca

That's a huge step you took! Have you heard back from her? Do you think she'll respect your decision? Not to totally bombard you with questions, but how's your dh dealing with your decision? I mean, is he supportive of you in this or does he still think you need to make nice? Sheesh, that does sound like a lot of questions all at once!

I'm very tired. A couple of weeks ago my dh got a phone call from his younger brother. His older sister, her 19 year old son and husband were all shot to death in their home. Thankfully, they caught the guy. But my dh is having a pretty rough time dealing with the fact that this has happened. He's been trying to act like nothing happened--stuffing it all way down, but it's coming out as anger. Unfortunately it's not appropriately directed anger. I'm worried about him and have been super busy just taking care of everything around the house and with ds so that when dh gets home from work he doesn't have to deal with anything. It's hard. Coming from the background I do, I'm terrified of yelling and anger. I'm not afraid that dh would hurt me or ds, but at the same time...well seeing him get angry somehow makes me feel like a child again. Like it's all my fault, even though I know perfectly well it has nothing to do with me and that I am safe. I wonder, once that program has been written in a child's brain--the program that says anger=physical danger--how do you wipe it out? Is there a virus out there that can get rid of it for me?

It's midnight and I can't sleep-dh is out of town. I should go lie down in the dark and hope I fall asleep, but I know I won't. I never do when he's gone. Maybe I'll just fix a snack and read a trashy book for a while instead.

Rigama

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#123 of 182 Old 05-04-2006, 03:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rigama
Tapioca

That's a huge step you took! Have you heard back from her? Do you think she'll respect your decision? Not to totally bombard you with questions, but how's your dh dealing with your decision? I mean, is he supportive of you in this or does he still think you need to make nice? Sheesh, that does sound like a lot of questions all at once!

I'm very tired. A couple of weeks ago my dh got a phone call from his younger brother. His older sister, her 19 year old son and husband were all shot to death in their home. Thankfully, they caught the guy. But my dh is having a pretty rough time dealing with the fact that this has happened. He's been trying to act like nothing happened--stuffing it all way down, but it's coming out as anger. Unfortunately it's not appropriately directed anger. I'm worried about him and have been super busy just taking care of everything around the house and with ds so that when dh gets home from work he doesn't have to deal with anything. It's hard. Coming from the background I do, I'm terrified of yelling and anger. I'm not afraid that dh would hurt me or ds, but at the same time...well seeing him get angry somehow makes me feel like a child again. Like it's all my fault, even though I know perfectly well it has nothing to do with me and that I am safe. I wonder, once that program has been written in a child's brain--the program that says anger=physical danger--how do you wipe it out? Is there a virus out there that can get rid of it for me?

It's midnight and I can't sleep-dh is out of town. I should go lie down in the dark and hope I fall asleep, but I know I won't. I never do when he's gone. Maybe I'll just fix a snack and read a trashy book for a while instead.

Rigama
Wow, i"m so incredibly self-centred. I'm sorry for not responding sooner. Rigama, I hope you are doing okay! I understand about the anger/physical danger thing. It's one of the many issues DH and I have had to work on in our marriage. Me= overreacting to his anger, only it wasn't for me.

Very sorry to hear about your family loss How awful. How is your DH doing? How are YOU doing?

As for me...um, still dealing with the fall-out. Let me give you the cole's notes version

1. Dh - not happy about it. Trying to be supportive of my decision, but REALLY doesn't get it. However, my sister and close friends (2 of whom have equally crazy parents) get it and think I've done a good thing.

2. Have had 2 emails from my mother basically saying she can't understand why I'm angry and what did she do? She's lost.

3. These emails made me laugh. Seriously? What's the point. I know from experience that even if I try to explain, she will shoot me down/call me crazy/ a liar/ twist things around so that *I* somehow end up feeling bad, AGAIN, for trying to bring things up. I've been reading about narcissistic personality disorder lately due to another thread in this forum and it sounds eerily like her, and interestingly, it also confirms I've done the right thing to just cut her off. (for now).

4. Uber nasty email from my dad today.

5. DH - even less happy. Hates the drama. Is kinda blaming it on me, though even he admits that *I* am not making them act this way. I'm trying really hard to respect his feelings even though I feel that he's a bit naive about how they really are.
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#124 of 182 Old 05-04-2006, 03:27 AM
 
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Mostly, though, I feel liberated. LIBERATED. I don't even feel sad. I just feel relieved to not be dealing with her anymore. It speaks volumes to me that I am that detached from my mother. Like, if there was any sort of love or relationship there, wouldn't I feel more conflicted? Sad? Or something?
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#125 of 182 Old 05-10-2006, 03:59 PM
 
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Is the forum still closed at the present?

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#126 of 182 Old 05-10-2006, 04:40 PM
 
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I too am waiting...Not even sure if I should be there when the time comes. I have spent years trying to find a place where my type of abuse fits in...No support groups...no specialized therapy...Not even anything on the internet.

My abuse involved a Pediatric Urologist when I was between 6-8. I had very vague memories. Things just went totally out of control when I got pregnant the first time...things started flooding back. Things also started making a whole lot of sense. (my fear of doctors and general mistrust for the entire medical profession, Fear of all things related to childbirth etc.) My HB midwife thinks all this is why I ended up with a transport and emergency C-section "the things you fear most end up happening so you have to face your fear" I'm still dealing with the PTSD from that experience. It almost broke me spiritually. I was raped and violated by the medical profession AGAIN!!

I'm not sure if anyone else can relate to this or not...I would love to find someone who gets it.

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#127 of 182 Old 05-10-2006, 05:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by girlie_librarian
Is the forum still closed at the present?
I believe that you must be a (female) member of MDC for one year and have 500+ posts before being able to join the Surviving Abuse forum.

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#128 of 182 Old 05-11-2006, 01:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Fyrestorm
I too am waiting...Not even sure if I should be there when the time comes. I have spent years trying to find a place where my type of abuse fits in...No support groups...no specialized therapy...Not even anything on the internet.

My abuse involved a Pediatric Urologist when I was between 6-8. I had very vague memories. Things just went totally out of control when I got pregnant the first time...things started flooding back. Things also started making a whole lot of sense. (my fear of doctors and general mistrust for the entire medical profession, Fear of all things related to childbirth etc.) My HB midwife thinks all this is why I ended up with a transport and emergency C-section "the things you fear most end up happening so you have to face your fear" I'm still dealing with the PTSD from that experience. It almost broke me spiritually. I was raped and violated by the medical profession AGAIN!!

I'm not sure if anyone else can relate to this or not...I would love to find someone who gets it.
Of course you are welcome in the abuse forum! Even if noone there has had a similar experience, I'm sure many can relate.
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#129 of 182 Old 01-30-2007, 03:17 PM
 
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Bumping, for those in waiting to support each other.

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#130 of 182 Old 01-30-2007, 03:21 PM
 
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Good Bump Pat

how is everyone doing? I had almost forgotten about this thread. The sun is shining here today. Things are going well in my life.
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#131 of 182 Old 01-30-2007, 11:36 PM
 
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i didn't even know this was here....wish i had.....cynthia denied me access to the sa forum as well and well.....it really kind of hurt...I was looking for someone to talk to who understood....and got no where.
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#132 of 182 Old 01-31-2007, 06:59 AM
 
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This is a nice Thread to find. I'm also waiting to get in sa. Skimming some of the post here really makes me realize I'm not alone and that kinda makes it more real.
My mother was not the nicest of people and then got involved with a man that used my left over issues from my mother against me. Most of what I've had to deal with was mental and emotional, but also sexual.
And now that I'm out of that relationship I still find myself building walls to keep from letting people hurt me. My relationship with my mother is not a great one. I still talk to her from time to time but try to avoid her as much as I can. She still does things to hurt me and bring me down.
I'm stressing right now cause we are having DS birthday party on Saturday and she will be here with other people that I know and that I trust... I'm just waiting on her to do something, say something to try and make everyone lose some respect for me. I'm trying to get past it but I know her to well and she enjoys watching me suffer.
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#133 of 182 Old 02-02-2007, 05:43 AM
 
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I'm glad this thread is here. I am waiting too. I have enough posts but have a couple more months to go. I started seeing a trauma counselor on Monday. I was on the waiting list for 3 months. My traumas have led to PTSD(of course) and a conversion disorder as well as other things. I am currently writing a book of poetry for survivors and a workbook. I am goign to school so I can become a sexual abuse therapist. I really want to help survivors. I believe it is my destiny.

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#134 of 182 Old 02-03-2007, 10:08 PM
 
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I'm also waiting for the SA forum. My issues aren't really from childhood (although I am sure there is stuff that helped me to choose the relationships I did when I was older.) I had a college bf of three years that was abusive, and after finally breaking free of that, I ended up marrying someone who was 10 times worse (sexually, physically, emotionally.) We split up after 8 1/2 years together, and the divorce was final two years later.
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#135 of 182 Old 04-27-2007, 05:00 PM
 
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Bumping.

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#136 of 182 Old 04-27-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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If you post something the moderators don't like they pull it right away, so I don't understand the 1 year thing, either. I won't have any trouble meeting 500 posts, but the year wait is way too long, imo.

as a survivor of abuse myself, I know I have to work on anger issues and be vigilant to prevent passing on the abuse to my kids. I've made some changes lately, but I really feel like this will be a long hard road. It helps that I see results from GD, but it's so easy to 'turn into' my parents when things are stressful.

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#137 of 182 Old 04-28-2007, 01:32 PM
 
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"Abuse in all forms impacts us profoundly. It affects our emotions, our fears, our relationships, as well as when, if, and how we mother. In order to process some of how abuse impacts and affects us, MDC has thoughtfully decided to create a private Surviving Abuse forum for its members.

The Surviving Abuse Forum is a private forum for those members who have experienced or are experiencing abuse in any of form. We are limiting access to the forum to members who have over 500 posts, are female, and who have been registered at MDC for over a year. This is not to exclude people who may have a very real need for such a forum and the support offered therein, but is one of few possible security measures we can take to create a safe place for members to share their stories and feelings."


Just a reminder that the waiting period is not meant to make anyone feel rejected or judged in any way, it is a security measure provided to protect the forum members online. While everyone who has been or is being abused needs support, the physical safety issues of women (and their children) who are currently being abused are different than those for our members who are trying to heal from painful childhood abuse.

It isn't an issue of moderators worrying about having to pull posts they don't like, but rather one of the few methods we have of protecting members from online stalkers.

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#138 of 182 Old 04-30-2007, 09:55 AM
 
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hi ...just wondering what exactly is okay to discuss here.....i have a few questions i need to ask about
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#139 of 182 Old 04-30-2007, 11:21 AM
 
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I just wanted to say that the wait doesn't bother me. I'd rather have privacy when the time comes, because there are things I have never told another person.

I think we can still talk about whatever we want to out here (within the rules, of course).
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#140 of 182 Old 04-30-2007, 11:42 AM
 
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i need to ask about irrational fears of the SAME things happening to MY children as happened to me?? anyone else experience this?? I am constantly overwrought with the fear that my kiddos will have things happen to them.....I try to be vigilant....but what happens on the offchance that I miss something??
then I am afraid I am being obsessive...which i am....and then I fall into a tailspin of being angry.....angry that I can' be more normal.....that my life can' t be more normal.......
anyone have any ideas?
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#141 of 182 Old 04-30-2007, 12:34 PM
 
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i need to ask about irrational fears of the SAME things happening to MY children as happened to me?? anyone else experience this?? I am constantly overwrought with the fear that my kiddos will have things happen to them.....I try to be vigilant....but what happens on the offchance that I miss something??
then I am afraid I am being obsessive...which i am....and then I fall into a tailspin of being angry.....angry that I can' be more normal.....that my life can' t be more normal.......
anyone have any ideas?
To me the big variable is a respectful, validating, responsive family that our son has available to come to IF something horrible did happen to him. When something happens to a child because of family, they don't have somewhere to turn. I believe having a horrible experience alone and having to process it without support is the more difficult experience, imo.

Trigger Warning:

A friend was raped but had her family's full support. If she had been abused by family, where could she turn for support? That is what I choose to focus on: what we HAVE as a family, not focus on the *what might happen*. Because, I trust, as a family we will get through anything and become stronger and more connected.

Hope that helps.

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#142 of 182 Old 04-30-2007, 02:43 PM
 
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it does.....thank you. I think i might need meds....only because my fears do overtake me alot.....i spent much of saturday in my room....not speaking to anyone....because something happened that triggered an anxiety response in myself BECAUSE of something that happened to ME as a child.
I was unresponsive.....sad....and scared....and couldn't move out of it for hours.....when I finally did is was only because the rational part of my brain told me that i was being irrationally afraid....does that make sense? is that even possible or does it sound odd??
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#143 of 182 Old 04-30-2007, 03:13 PM
 
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it does.....thank you. I think i might need meds....only because my fears do overtake me alot.....i spent much of saturday in my room....not speaking to anyone....because something happened that triggered an anxiety response in myself BECAUSE of something that happened to ME as a child.
I was unresponsive.....sad....and scared....and couldn't move out of it for hours.....when I finally did is was only because the rational part of my brain told me that i was being irrationally afraid....does that make sense? is that even possible or does it sound odd??
It sounds really scary for you. I know that nutrients can play a huge part in anxiety and our hormonal balance. Old triggers can not hurt you in the present unless you let them. It has been a long journey of testing that belief for me to trust it enough to change my self-talk consciously. There are some natural things you could try. Here is the link for natural remedies for depression/anxiety: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...tural+remedies

Have you tried any of the natural homeopathic Bach Flower remedies for anger, out of control fears, fantasy, impatience, stress reduction, vengefulness. Here are a few to consider: Cherry Plum (anger), Rock Rose (fears), Clematis (detached from being in the present), Impatiens (impatience), Rescue Remedy or Elm (stress), Holly (vengefulness-toward other or self). The first link below helps you to choose a remedy or several to help cope in the heat of the moment. The others tell more about the individual remedies. They are very safe.

http://www.ainsworths.com/remedy/default.aspx

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm

http://www.bachflower.com/38_Essences.htm

http://www.abchomeopathy.com/c.php/3

The other thing I really find helpful is to have conscious relaxation or mindfulness awareness in the present. By practicing being relaxed and aware in the moment, rather than worrying and ruminating about the past, I am more able to reconnect with myself when something stressful happens. Having some healthy mantras and affirmations that I use regularly about little things helps give them power when I really need some healthy self-talk about things that are triggers. Do you see how the practice of feeling safe could help when the scary thoughts creep in? For instance, I was a critical care nurse and we practiced what to do in an emergency, so that it was automatic. It is similar. I practice healthy self-talk throughout my day, so that I can remember what to focus on and tell myself when something dire happens. It gives me the *what to do* focus, rather than the *what if* focus.

I really recommend reading along in The Secret thread about changing your self-talk.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=471795 (this is the original, it is in the Spirituality forum. It is restricted for newbies, also.)
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=519212 (this one is shorter, it is in the Personal Growth forum.)

Counseling helped me with that. But, they also wanted to dredge up the past and that just felt smothering at times. Since the present, doesn't have all those dangers that I experienced as a child. My experience of the danger was much greater as a child, than the same situation would be as an adult. I have much more self-awareness, self-control and choice NOW. "I am safe. All is well. Everything is unfolding for my highest Self. Out of this situation only self-awareness and joy will come." I practice, believe and trust this affirmation and it helps me in the scary moments to get back to a place of being in the moment and seeing that I AM safe.



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#144 of 182 Old 05-31-2007, 11:05 AM
 
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#145 of 182 Old 06-01-2007, 06:21 PM
 
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Hi everyone. I am waiting to be admitted to the Surviving Abuse forum.

I love flower essences. They have helped me so much. I only have Impatiens and Mimulus right now, but I have used many different ones in the past and I want to get more.

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#146 of 182 Old 06-01-2007, 06:39 PM
 
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Gosh I just need to write to someone. I have been checking several times a day to see if I've been let in yet. I have enough posts and I've been here over a year, it's just a matter of a moderator letting me in now.

I don't know why this stuff is coming up again now-- I've been to counseling in the past-- I think it's because my moon is moving into it's birth sign right now . . . anyway.

I am glad that SA will be a private forum because I am really, really, really afraid of online stalkers. That's why I don't use my name or my kids' names on MDC.

I just really want to talk to people about this. Anyone here on this thread anymore?

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#147 of 182 Old 06-05-2007, 09:41 AM
 
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today i have my first therapy appt. ~i went to a couple of sessions in college..but now is the first 'real' session, i.e. i'm paying for it i am trying to get enough posts for the SA forum as well..i would love to see this list active again, since i'm just now here. i'm afraid of what therapy will bring out, but welcome the healing. and wonder, when do you know that you are fully healed and whole?
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#148 of 182 Old 06-05-2007, 10:06 AM
 
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today i have my first therapy appt. ~i went to a couple of sessions in college..but now is the first 'real' session, i.e. i'm paying for it i am trying to get enough posts for the SA forum as well..i would love to see this list active again, since i'm just now here. i'm afraid of what therapy will bring out, but welcome the healing. and wonder, when do you know that you are fully healed and whole?
You are doing a really great thing for yourself to go back to therapy. Just take it slow, learn what it feels like to be safe with your therapist, and trust your own pace.

Honestly, I don't know that there really is such a thing as "fully" healed. I think it is kind of like getting hurt as a child, such as skinning your knee, or falling off your bike. You might heal, but still have physical scars. It becomes a memory in your past, like other memories. It informs your life (like be careful when you ride a bike), but doesn't haunt your dreams any more? My therapist just says that it will eventually fade into the fabric of your life, and will not be as important or haunting. It happened, and will never go away, but healing is when it doesn't have such a huge grip on your life.

Does that make sense?

I'm still working on it. It has been SO hard, but SO good. Hang in there!
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#149 of 182 Old 06-05-2007, 10:30 AM
 
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today i have my first therapy appt. ~i went to a couple of sessions in college..but now is the first 'real' session, i.e. i'm paying for it i am trying to get enough posts for the SA forum as well..i would love to see this list active again, since i'm just now here. i'm afraid of what therapy will bring out, but welcome the healing. and wonder, when do you know that you are fully healed and whole?
Good luck with your session today. I wish I had a good answer for you. Therapy really helped me cope with regular life, but we didn't really get very in-depth so there is definitely still a lot ot process. I'm guessing it's a life-long thing. Anyway,

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#150 of 182 Old 06-05-2007, 10:27 PM
 
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do i ever wish I'd seen this thread before...

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