"ladies in waiting" for the abuse forum - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 182 Old 06-20-2005, 03:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i just found the thread about the Surviving Abuse forum in Q&A, but it was closed, and Cynthia Mosher suggested that people post to this forum. so, here i am!

i have enough posts to join SA, but not enough time here at MDC. i've run a board for abuse survivors who self-injure for a few years, and i've completed my crisis hotline training for SACS, so i'm honestly can't identify with how the rule of "one year" came about. i mean, if someone is going to troll, they generally do it within 3 months, although there have been some extraordinarily patient trolls that will wait 6 months. but, c'est la vie.

i can't discuss my own issues on my own board for obvious reasons of conflict of interest. i can't attend my local sexual abuse support group any more because i'm a crisis counselor through the same organization (yes, that is a very stupid rule. we counselors tried to start a group for ourselves, but couldn't find a venue). i am currently in a somewhat abusive situation at home that affects my parenting and my daughter (my use of the word "somewhat" indicates how confused i am and that i truly do need to talk about it in depth!) and September seems light years away!

feeling isolated is one of the problems abuse survivors face, so i am anxiously awaiting being able to join the Surviving Abuse forum and end my isolation. i honestly don't feel i fit in anywhere else and i only feel comfortable at MDC at this point in my life.

anyone else waiting? do you feel you can talk about some of your issues in the meantime? (with your regular MDC name or a new registration just for the purpose of privacy) i noticed the thread in Q&A had some good discussion going on, and wondered if it might continue here?

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#2 of 182 Old 06-20-2005, 03:39 AM
 
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I'm waiting for the SA forum, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable posting about these issues on MDC. Not really sure what I do feel comfortable posting about on MDC, TBH, apart from recipes and whatnot.
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#3 of 182 Old 06-20-2005, 10:42 AM
 
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I have the time in at MDC, but I haven't talked enough, so I'm spamming a few folders to get my message count up <LOL!>

For the record, I used to have my children's names in my sig, and a friend let me know that google-searching their names would bring up every post I made here with that sig attached!

That really shook my confidence in posting here, but I think the abuse forum should be private enough. At least I know I can't be stalked there for at least a year :-/

I left an abusive situation a while back, but as he is the kids' father, we're still in contact. I didn't realize it was abusive until I left, so I established nothing that can protect me now, and it was all mental anyway, so I'm basically screwed.

It's rough.

I called a hotline this weeked and was told to "get off your butt, get a job, put the kids in daycare, they'll grow up whether they're home or with a provider, and this will prove to the courts that you're a good mom." WTF?

So now I'm even skittish about "asking for help".
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#4 of 182 Old 06-20-2005, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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wow, Silliest, that sucks about the hotline. i called a DV hotline recently and instead of asking about the abuse or even how was i feeling, they asked if i had children. i said yes, not thinking, and they said they were mandated DCF reporters and i might get a visit since they had my number on caller ID. i didn't even have a chance to talk about my situation or ask for a referral to a support group or therapist! so i'm skittish about asking for help also.

a lot of childhood abuse issues are triggered for me by having a child, not in the way that i'd want to continue the cycle of abuse, but in finally realizing what really happened to me. i mean, seeing how tiny, innocent and helpless my daughter is, and realizing that i was once that way, too. then i get overwhelmed with grief, and then i worry about her future, will i be able to teach her to protect herself when she's no longer under my protection?

also i had a cesarean and for some reason that's triggered me to no end, i'm still having nightmares 8 months PP, i can't even make a dr's appt. i'm so scared of anything medical right now. but i can't just go see a therapist because they're mandated DCF reporters also (it's an overzealous state).

so the one year wait is to discourage online stalking? wow. who's doing the stalking?? abusive ex's, or trolls, or both?

in the meantime, are any of you able to find private, "enclosed" online groups you can talk to? some aren't searchable by google. ezboard used to have some good ones but they got hacked recently and lost most of their data. delphi has a few small ones, i think. but since most of the groups are mainstream, if i mention co-sleeping, it triggers other people! (i.e. no adult can be in a bed with a child of any age and it be innocent.) it's so sad

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#5 of 182 Old 06-20-2005, 11:22 AM
 
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Melly, have you looked into childbirth related PTSD? It's different from PND (though of course, you can have both) and I have been much better able to deal with my birth-trauma after reframing the problem as PTSD.

There are a few Delphi and gojabber forums that I belong to, but not any specific SOA ones. I've been a member there long enough toat I am in several private folders which seem to be a bit "safer" than the usual.

BTW, online counseling is becoming more available and accepted these days, you might be able to find someone to talk to online without having to deal with the mandatory reporting crap in your state.

ITA about being a parent bringing up old crap. It is so hard sometimes :-(

I don't know why the MDC policies were put in place, but IMO, my ex probably is stalking me online. The requirements for the abuse folder should make it harder for him to get in that particular area. Trolls are another issue, but they don't scare me too much.
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#6 of 182 Old 06-20-2005, 11:19 PM
 
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Asking for help can be such a sticky issue....

One therapist I had had me feeling worse about myself after each session with her.

One I had seen for years (definitely too long, as I wasn't getting better), spent the last two sessions we had talking about when was I going to get ds to a Dr. for a checkup...I suspected he had an allergy to wheat and had eliminated it from his diet, but she was freaked out that dh and I weren't doing it under the supervision of a Dr.

OTOH, I've had therapists who understood that therapy for me/us would be more helpful than getting the DCFS involved.
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#7 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 02:12 AM
 
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#8 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 08:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i think there's still a mentality of "she must have done something to cause it" going on, sadly. oddly enough i've encountered that attitude from women more than from men!

the pendulum also swings the other way ... if any kind of abuse happens, you have to "leave, now!" i guess you could say i follow the Middle Path. i've been with truly abusive men before, and i'm with a man now who has had abusive behavior, but it's apples and oranges. i can just tell, it's a feeling i can't explain. there's hope for this man, he wants to change himself, he doesn't expect me to change him, and he knows his behavior is wrong. he was abused by his father, and he's scared of perpetuating the cycle of abuse. leaving him solves nothing for me, because i love him deeply and i think it's kinda lucky that two abuse survivors found each other. but i reserve the right to get pissed, hurt and confused by his behavior, and to ask for advice and support while we work through things.

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#9 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 09:09 AM
 
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For the record, I used to have my children's names in my sig, and a friend let me know that google-searching their names would bring up every post I made here with that sig attached!
I just googled a few sigs here , including mine, and not one of the sigs came up, not even for mothering. Don't know how that info got passed.

Ok, sorry to interrupt....
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#10 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 09:15 AM
 
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<shrug> I did the search and saw my current posts come up myself. The friend told me, but I double-checked.
I don't know why it's not doing the same thing for you now, but for those who could be stalked, it's probably better to be a little paranoid.
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#11 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 09:16 AM
 
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I like the idea of online counselling for two reasons: you can fit it into your schedule more easily because of no travel time, no childcare issues, etc. and also because you're more likely to find a therapist that works with your personal needs and value system because you're not limited geographically.
This is something that we discussed in great detail in my counseling classes. it seems to be the wave of the future, for the above reasons.

The downfall IMO, is that it was further isolate people. I don't think it is for everyone though.
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#12 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 09:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silliest
<shrug> I did the search and saw my current posts come up myself. The friend told me, but I double-checked.
I don't know why it's not doing the same thing for you now, but for those who could be stalked, it's probably better to be a little paranoid.
Oh, you mean your screen name. Just goodledthat and it came up sure.

FYI, you cannot in ANY forum other than the abuse forum (and I am not sure if you can then) create a separate identity. It has been tried before and it gets deleted minutes later with the thread being locked, or deleted.
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#13 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 09:43 AM
 
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Nope, not my screen name, I mean my children's names as formerly displayed in my sig as if you googled Teresa Kailey (though that particular combo doesn't bring anything up at the moment).

I don't know how or why it worked that way, but that's why there's no identifying info in my sig anymore. It's taken about 2 months for the search engine to stop finding cached posts that I made with that sig.

I also had separate identities at MDC for a few weeks, but never logged in with both at the same time. (I'd forgotten my old password and closed the associated e-mail account before realizing that was my MDC account).

I don't mean to be rude, but I don't really know a tactful way to say this.

You seem very sure of things that I know for a fact are not accurate. I don't *want* to argue with you about this stuff, but online privacy is kind of a serious issue for some of us, and I don't want people to go around misinformed. Will you please check your information before presenting it as fact?
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#14 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 10:49 AM
 
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I too have been hanging around.

Trying to get postd up as well for the SA forum. Here over a year, so that must be the hold up. Thanks for going public.

I have experience with domestic violence (DV) counselors who were wonderful. There were no games and no shaming of me, threats or any of the other non support you have encountered. They too were survivors.

Regular counselors have often been losers when DV is involved. In fact, just like partners. If one ends up a loser, dump them and find another, I KNOW ITS HARD AND EXPENSIVE. But you are worth it.

I am ALWAYS working on my self esteem. That seems to be the focus still. YEARS out of abuse. I am not "over it".

Yes Mellybean, I find I frequently encounter "Well if you would Just" or less frequently "well, you must have done something"............to make that nice man/woman treat you in such a way.

Well I did something. I took a body that landed in my parents house. Who were immature people without self esteem, full of shame and NO skills to cope with either.

I am the result of growing up in their "care".

And Yes, it is usually women who put us down....before men. It's always women who quiet down another woman. I wonder if this is something left over from the burning times or is it just "Patriarchy"?

Now I can see, they are probably victims too. That is why they know the lines so well!!!

MayMAy Thanks for your good points too. YYAAAAAAAAAAA. I love the part of getting shame out of the closet. I LOVED John Bradshaws "healing the shame that binds You" I Think it is a must for everyone. It is so prevalent in our culture.

It is very much to the point, Pretty easy to digest out of violence. I think it was much harder to grasp when I was living in violence. You only have so much energy.

And YAAAAA to you who have left. HANG IN THERE you are NOT alone.

And YAAAAAA to those still in it. TAlking and being honest is really important.

I want to be helpful. So I am going to try and dredge up the gems of MY recovery and share them.

Work on self esteem.
Stay in reality.....the book"the verbally abusive relationship" has excellent examples of how these relationships work. It helped me "see" him and myself and stay in reality, even while he was continually brainwashing me.

I was told when I finally left a really dangerous man, "You will probably need to be alone for 5 years or so, to heal and even be "ready" for another relationship" I thought she was crazy.

Well, I spent 5 years. With just my kids and girlfriends, and school ,and work. We were finally safe and needed a breather. Would you believe for 5 years! Then ..................magic happened. And I got together with a man on a healing path of his own. And NOT abusive.

I now have a loving supportive marriage. I am completely safe. NOW I am healing tremendously. My kids get some of the benefits of this too. Interestingly, I am VERY busy with "my stuff". Because what I didn't know is that when an abuse survivor land in a safe place, ALL the emotional stuff that I have kept hidden in the dark comes out. But it is safe and healing. Did I say easy? NO!!

It's not easy but welcome and necessary.
Love to you all

Please do something nourishing for yourselves today.
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#15 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 12:29 PM
 
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#16 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 12:30 PM
 
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Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#17 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 12:49 PM
 
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May May,

Here's an illustration of exactly what we're talking about:

http://forums.about.com/ab-babyparen...s?msg=27462.21
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#18 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 01:01 PM
 
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I'm waiting for the SA forum, too. I'm not so much in the mood to write right now, but just wanted to say hi, I'm here, too.

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#19 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 02:27 PM
 
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In my case, the trouble is the severe emotional abuse I received from my parents. I am trying so hard not to do the same, or worse, to my dc's/dh. I wish I could just flip a switch and stop, but it's too ingrained. There are people here who would judge me severely for that, which is why I don't post about it in anything but general terms. Fortunately, I think I've found the right therapist, but it's still hard to talk about my struggle.
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#20 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 02:48 PM
 
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((PJ))
I have those issues as well. Many of my reactions to my children are based in fear of my parents <rolling eyes> No amount of intellectual understanding of the difficulty makes it any easier to catch myself *before* reacting, and no amount of remorse *afteward* makes it any better for the kids, or for me.

I have read, and *loved* Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting, and Playful Parenting... and when things are good, I think I am getting the hang of it. But when those "trigger" moments happen, I've screwed up before I know what's happening.
It just kills me when I do that, and I end up beating myself up, which also doesn't help anything.

It's all a work in progress.

I hate knowing other people have gone through similar stuff, but it helps me to understand how *not-crazy* I am, and that I've really done a pretty good job, considering what I've had to work with <LOL!>

I look forward to talking with you in a more private forum/area at some stage.



I'm glad you've found a therapist you can work with! I'm still in the process of trying to find one. The first couple of tries were so hurtful and re-victimising that I almost quit loking for help entirely, but I'm back ;->
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#21 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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for anyone who's ever been called "too sensitive" ...

"too sensitive" ... i've heard it all my life. and always, by people who are callous, cold, indifferent, cruel, or just plain apathetic. i never hear it from those who are aware, mindful, compassionate. but we can't always choose everyone who is going to be in our life ... and sometimes, the cruel and compassionate meet in the same person ... and you love the compassionate so much, you're willing to put up with the cruel. i choose.

"too sensitive" ... i'm willing to let my emotions flow over me like ocean waves ... the sand is pounded by the surf, it shifts and changes, but it is eternal ... such is my heart. i bend like a sapling tree in a hurricane, springing up wounded but whole after the last gust passes, while all around me lie the dried and broken branches of those who are not willing to bend.

"too sensitive" ... i can sit with my feelings ... i can invite them in, look them over ... i can choose not to let them in, keep them waiting ... i can throw them out the door, if i choose. fear and joy and anger and hope, they can all share the same table inside me. i choose.

"too sensitive" ... A.K.A. "tears don't move me" ... "i'm not buying it" ... "it's just crocodile tears" ... "why don't you calm down?" ... "that won't work with me" ... A.K.A. you are UNCOMFORTABLE with my willingness to experience my own emotions, and that's YOUR problem.

"too sensitive" ... i've just got to say this to the world: if you have ever told anyone "you're too sensitive" ... YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE ENOUGH.

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#22 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 03:21 PM
 
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#23 of 182 Old 06-21-2005, 08:34 PM
 
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Let me clarify. it is against the user agreement to create more than one usename unless cynthia oks it. Sorry for the confusion. Symantics...geez.

As for the google. Let me rephrase. it did NOT show anyone's signature here when I did it yesterday OR today. It DOES show usernames.

How's that? Anyone feel misinformed?

May May~ I completely agree with your last paragraph. I don't think anyone who stand by someone getting flamed for sharing personal and sensitive information. I also don't think they would be around for long.

Peace.
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#24 of 182 Old 06-22-2005, 05:08 PM
 
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I'm just hopping on here. Feel free to skip to another response; I haven't finished reading the thread yet so I won't respond to other postings yet. I have been in the dumps lately and I saw the thread and was so glad somebody started it! I'm still reeling from Father's DAy, always a bad day for me, a time when once again I reassess just how screwed up I am. Oh I've come a long way, but every now and then it hits me between the eyes: oh yeah, I was victimized and it still impacts my life. I have a second "family" who have become family to me so I see it when I relate to them. I don't do "trust" very well.

I'm curious to know if anyone can relate to this situation: I recently decided to write my father (perp) a letter telling him I know what he did when I was little and I don't want any contact with him. I haven't mailed it and what stops me is this fear that "what if I'm making it all up? what if really *I* am the one who is so screwed up that I just made it up? How could I accuse him of things he never did?" I know somebody did something and I know I have flashbacks when I'm around him as well as nightmares and have for years but it really irritates me that I don't have clear episodic memory of anything--after eons of therapy and thousands of dollars to try to deal with life. If I could just have one clear memory that would say "Yep, he's the one." ON the other hand, I guess I could write a letter that says he makes me sick and I can't be around him and function as a human without any accusations or reasons and let him fill in the blanks. Anybody ever been in my shoes?

Peace to all
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#25 of 182 Old 06-22-2005, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Mamajamz
I'm curious to know if anyone can relate to this situation: I recently decided to write my father (perp) a letter telling him I know what he did when I was little and I don't want any contact with him. I haven't mailed it and what stops me is this fear that "what if I'm making it all up? what if really *I* am the one who is so screwed up that I just made it up? How could I accuse him of things he never did?" I know somebody did something and I know I have flashbacks when I'm around him as well as nightmares and have for years but it really irritates me that I don't have clear episodic memory of anything--after eons of therapy and thousands of dollars to try to deal with life. If I could just have one clear memory that would say "Yep, he's the one." ON the other hand, I guess I could write a letter that says he makes me sick and I can't be around him and function as a human without any accusations or reasons and let him fill in the blanks. Anybody ever been in my shoes?
*nods* yes. i went through years of nightmares, flashbacks and other PTSD stuff, thinking i was crazy. my dad would say a certain word or make a certain gesture, and i'd feel like throwing up and break out in chills. one day he said a certain combo of words that turned out to be the key to unlock my memories ... wowza. i chose to confront him in a psychiatrist's office, so i'd be safe. he admitted to beating me, but denied the sexual abuse ... then slipped in such a way that he admitted to that, too. but even after that ... i still didn't want to believe it had happened! because who wants to be a survivor?? it's easier to go back into denial, right? except it can be like an emotional cancer that eats away at you.

one thing i know for sure: you don't have to remember everything to heal from it.

i am "lucky" that my abuser was caught, and convicted, for doing to someone else the same things he did to me. "lucky" in that i finally know my memories and feelings are real, and "lucky" that i got to support the other victim so she knew she wasn't alone. but even after all of that, i still lapse back into denial and fuzzy memory! because it's the only way to stay sane, i think, in an insane situation.

denial isn't an entirely bad thing, if you use it as a tool. i think of it this way: there's a closet in my head, it says "Bad Things" on the door. it's full of shelves and lots of shoeboxes. i can choose to open or close the door. i can choose what box i want to open. i can choose to not deal with something right now, and put it away for safekeeping. key word here is "choose"! that way, traumatic memories don't interfere with my ability to live my everyday life. i came to this realization after a lot of therapy and visualization. for some people, their mind's "safe place" is a garden with things buried under ground, or a big freezer. anything you can open and close, you can *choose* to experience it or not.

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#26 of 182 Old 06-23-2005, 12:33 AM
 
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Ah, good, a thread for those of us waiting. This was a good idea, and definitely something I need right now. This time of the year is always hard for me, as it's the season that "the shit really hit the fan", so to speak. I kept everything bottled up for years, and then 3 years ago this summer, it came out that my sister had gone through the exact same thing I did, and then everything came out. Of course, my mother didn't beleive us - didn't WANT to beleive us - so she chose not to, and tossed us out of her life. She hasn't met either of her grandchildren, and that is something I struggle with constantly, for many reasons I won't get into right now. I spent most of the evening in tears thinking about it (a thread on TAO kind of put me in a bad place, I guess, and let the memories come back) so I don't really have the strength right now to discuss it.

I have to say, that it was a major slap in the face to be denied access to the abuse forum. I applied on a day when I really really needed somewhere to talk - somewhere safe - and being told that I wasn't "well known" enough to be allowed access to the forum, when I was one of the people who originally asked for the forum to be made, made me feel like yet another door was being slammed in my face. I don't know why I let it hurt my feelings so badly, but it did. :P
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#27 of 182 Old 06-23-2005, 12:51 AM
 
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I'm planning to open a private Yahoo group for those of us who can't get into to the forum yet. So far, 5 people are interested. PM me if interested.
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#28 of 182 Old 06-23-2005, 01:27 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Nikki~
I have to say, that it was a major slap in the face to be denied access to the abuse forum. I applied on a day when I really really needed somewhere to talk - somewhere safe - and being told that I wasn't "well known" enough to be allowed access to the forum, when I was one of the people who originally asked for the forum to be made, made me feel like yet another door was being slammed in my face. I don't know why I let it hurt my feelings so badly, but it did. :P
I'm pretty disgusted about it, too. I think it's too stringent. I think it's fine to have the criteria in the first place, but if a person's been participating in discussions, with hundreds of substantive posts, and she asks to be let in, I think it makes sense to let her in. It's easy to look over a person's posts and see that she is a participating member, and not just posting smilies. I hardly think a stalker is really going to fake that many posts for months in order to get into a forum. And I am not going to post a bunch of smiley posts to a nonsense thread to bring my post count up, either. What a load of BS.

I'm angry about it, so much so that I've been thinking it's time to get out of dodge, leave MDC, at least for a while.
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#29 of 182 Old 06-24-2005, 12:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Nikki and zeldabee: you could post those concerns in the "Questions & Suggestions" forum. i feel this thread is best for those who feel comfortable enough to be open about abuse survivor stuff while they're waiting for their year. i took it personally at first, as well, but from what i understand it's to protect victims' rights from their abusers stalking them.

unfortunately, i don't think there's any way the mods can determine if we have "substantive" posts without spending wayyy too much time reading up on everyone who wants to join. i think it's just sad that abusers do often go through hell and high water to stalk their victims, necessitating such precautions anyway, in the meantime, we have this open thread, and the new Yahoo group starting up. (if a stalker shows up over there, we can IP ban them, not just their username. nifty feature!)

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#30 of 182 Old 06-24-2005, 01:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by zeldabee
I hardly think a stalker is really going to fake that many posts for months in order to get into a forum.

You haven't met my ex. :

It's been a while since I left him, so I *might* consider the abuse forum "safe" until the first year is up, but not afterward. Especially if the only criteria are "automated" and no one is checking what kinds of posts are being made by the people who apply for entry. He can just sit around for a year, post : 500 times, and abracadabra, there he'll be.

I wonder if we could have a volunteer mod committee to actually do a human review of applicants' posts. I know I read hundreds of posts a day, anyhow, and doing so in order to preserve a safe haven online would be an absolute pleasure.
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