August "New Mamas of Spiritual Awakening in Our Marriages" roll call - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 43 Old 07-30-2005, 01:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Here we are, fresh start.....

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#2 of 43 Old 07-30-2005, 01:31 AM
 
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Wooo hooo!!! Thanks lisa72!
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#3 of 43 Old 07-30-2005, 09:31 AM
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so i'll start us off on a light note - dh and i have a babysitter (i totally love this woman, she's one of the care providers at my ds's daycare and she just loves the kids and is fabulous with them) for sunday and will be going to see "batman." it's not a real intimate kind of date, but i think i'm too worn out right now for intimate. i think dh is too.

dh and i are going to try to break some bad habits this weekend. the worst one is this: many evenings after the kids are both asleep (or just ds, dd is only six months so her bedtime is sort of loose), we watch a movie that we rent and eat ice cream. we need to kick the habit for so many reasons! money, weight, health, and the total uselessness of watching movie after crappy movie.

so, i'm thinking we need a ritual that is still a little fun so we will actually do it, but does not involve ice cream or the tv. so maybe some fancy fruit and yoga? that's my thinking right now 'cause i think yoga will also help me sort of pull it together spiritually...
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#4 of 43 Old 07-30-2005, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tug

We do the same thing, it used to be (untill quite recently) me on the computer and him lying on the sofa watching tv...never talking. We have now got to the watching a movie together stage, which for us is pretty good. We cuddle and relax together.

I know what you mean though about wanting to do something a bit healthier together. I say if your dh is into yoga, that sounds fab. Mine would laugh for about a week if I suggested doing yoga together.

I think when you have such young children around, all that stuff is so hard, especially when you are sharing your bed with your kids

Any kind of date away from the kids, even for a movie...whatever is (I think )a relationship booster.

I find the odd time we have even gone for half an hour for a coffee helps. I'm so full of it really, we haven't done that since March...

How about a family walk at night together? That way everyone gets out of the house for a while, the kids get some pre-bed fresh air, you get some time with dh...

Lisa: Homeschooling Mum of ds, 8 and dd, 6
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#5 of 43 Old 07-30-2005, 10:45 PM
 
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I am here, too. I am working on being more honest with my dh about my feelings, rather than always being a peace keeper and lettting things go that I maybe shouldn't let go. I see so many women in my marriage practice who are resentful and it not only kills their sex drive, it kills their own sense of happiness. I don't want to end up resentful because I just let things ride. I want Paul to know if I am going along with something he wants, like I want credit for putting up with some things. It worked really well the other day. He was talking about buying a new lap top and I told him that before he buys anything, I want us to consider a regular one. We got into a "fight" but after a few minutes he agreed to think about what I was saying. A few days later he said he couldn't figure out why he gets so defensive but that he certainly didn't see any reason what I want wasn't as important as what he wanted. Seems kind of simple, but it was a great improvement. I am just way to easy going sometimes and over time, the house is going more and more the way he wants it and less and less, my taste.

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#6 of 43 Old 07-31-2005, 12:32 PM
 
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I'm here, too.

I, too, want to work on being honest about how I feel. I get so resentful and it really does hurt my overall happiness. It's just such a scarry thing because I know the awful reaction I will get from dh. It's not pretty for me or for anyone in the house. I do need to be honest, though, if I want to feel like I have any control in my life.

I mentioned in the old thread that we finally got into counselling. We start this week and I'm hoping it will give me a safe place to start being honest.

Tug - what about board games? Scrabble? Chess? Cards? If I'm going to spend time with dh, I find those things much better for releasing tension and getting conversation flowing than tv or movies.

Anyways, yes, thankyou lisa for making a fresh start here.

Cheers,
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#7 of 43 Old 07-31-2005, 06:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lilgreen
I'm here, too.

I, too, want to work on being honest about how I feel. I get so resentful and it really does hurt my overall happiness. It's just such a scarry thing because I know the awful reaction I will get from dh. It's not pretty for me or for anyone in the house. I do need to be honest, though, if I want to feel like I have any control in my life.

I mentioned in the old thread that we finally got into counselling. We start this week and I'm hoping it will give me a safe place to start being honest.

Cheers,
lilgreen


We have done some separate sessions which have really helped. Soon we will do a joint one and I'm starting to feel braver about telling the truth. It's hard though, I guess I'm just going to take a deep breath and jump in.

I find it so sad reading about all these women who are too scared to speak their minds...I've been in the same position and maybe I'll be there again, it's a shitty place to be.
Good luck with your counselling

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#8 of 43 Old 08-03-2005, 10:40 PM
 
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hi, i used to post in Parents as Partners and someone recommened this (the old) thread to me. i was reading as much as i could, it's so long! but i like what i'm reading, a lot. so hopefully i can catch up.

one thing we're trying to work through is the damage that was done to our marriage when my husband was unemployed for 2 years. he sank into depression and serious computer game addiction (12 hrs/day), he made some mistakes, one night he got physical with me. the advice i got at the time was "just leave" which i didn't take, something told me to stick this one out, i've been leaving all my life and i only find the same situation over and over again. now that my husband is working, for him it's as if a magic wand has been waved, he's useful, competent, well-liked, and he's having fun at work ... his confidence level has soared, his depression has eased, and he is just more pleasant to be around in general. he's happy

so now the problem is ME. i'm still angry. i'm angry that he broke some of our most serious vows. i'm angry that he backed me into the corner while i held our baby, made me crawl across a bed to get away from him and he yanked my arm so hard i am still having shoulder problems.

life is mostly good, even with all the anger inside me ... i'm happy that he has a great new job, i'm happy that he's happier and feeling more fulfilled, i'm happy that we are no longer being squeezed in an financial vise, and i'm happy that we're growing closer physically and emotionally. i'm very happy that we as parents are a fantastic team, that having a child fulfills both of our dreams in so many ways, that we never view the baby as an intrusion to our lives. we're very compatible as parents. just an hour ago, we were noting that Willow is very huggy these days, she loves to throw her arms around our necks and lay her head on our shoulders. she gave her daddy one of those big hugs, and he brought her over to me so i could hug them both. i started crying happy tears, being a mother is just such a beautiful thing and i never thought it would happen to me. i love my little family.

this is getting long. i guess i am looking for a way to not feel the anger anymore. part of it is that the one night of him being violent affected my health, i have arthritis and fibromyalgia so recovering from a sprained shoulder is going to take a lot of time and effort. so every time it twinges with even a little pain, i remember, and then i feel angry. then i'm angry at myself for being so angry!

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#9 of 43 Old 08-03-2005, 10:58 PM
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meli - maybe one way to address the anger is to either write about it or talk about it? i'm not sure, though, and hope other people will have better suggestions. i find that i am angry sometimes, but i don't know why - just angry. i am trying to do yoga in the evenings when the kids go to bed. i don't know if it will help (i'll let y'all know if it does).

certainly, i think, it will take a long time for trust to build up again.

i'm glad you stuck it out and that things have been so much better and that he has a job and is feeling so good. willow is just so adorable.

my dh is the greatest dad and it really makes me love him when i watch him being sweet.
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#10 of 43 Old 08-04-2005, 02:32 AM
 
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tug, that is the saving point of this marriage ... i watch him with Willow, and he is such a fantastic dad, he's funny and sweet and caring and most important, he is always *involved* which i think is awesome. he began talking to our baby when i was 11 weeks pregnant, he read my tummy a story *lol* and he still reads to her every day. i see him with her, and i think "he can be a good husband, too. parenting is so intuitive for him, perhaps marriage will become more intuitive for him over time."

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#11 of 43 Old 08-04-2005, 07:00 PM
 
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OK- THIS IS A JOKE

I sometimes think that there would be a point in public floggings. The wronged partner would get to watch the other partner being punished, everyone would see it and then... it would be over. When I talk (tongue in cheek) about this with clients- the one who is in the wrong is always the first to agee. The thing is that both partners want to be able to move on but the one who screwed up often doesn't really want to take responsibility for the serious work of repairing the trust and then that leaves the hurt partner trapped into holding on like some battle scar or wound that proves something. But the scar hurts a lot too. You will forgive and move on when you really realize what it is costing you, what it is doing to your life and how it hurts you to be in the victim stance. Be proud that you are chosing to do something that few people in our society are brave enough to do... repair rather than trash a relationship. I think that is very brave.

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#12 of 43 Old 08-04-2005, 10:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMoMpls

I The thing is that both partners want to be able to move on but the one who screwed up often doesn't really want to take responsibility for the serious work of repairing the trust and then that leaves the hurt partner trapped into holding on like some battle scar or wound that proves something. But the scar hurts a lot too. You will forgive and move on when you really realize what it is costing you, what it is doing to your life and how it hurts you to be in the victim stance.
This is good to hear. I remember reading Meli's posts and thinking OMG she should leave that sounds awful...so glad it's getting better for you Meli!

I did leave, and I came back. I'm glad I left and learnt that I am not stuck, I know my limits and so far it has been a positive thing for our relationship. the immense anger I felt for him is slowly dissolving and I am even begining to trust him ( slowly) again. I too was amazed at how angry I was towards him.

I think if you give it some time and see that they are willing to change you realise there is a chance.

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#13 of 43 Old 08-04-2005, 10:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maureen I really like the public flogging idea

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#14 of 43 Old 08-05-2005, 01:33 AM
 
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lisa, i'm glad i stuck it out. my instinct and intuition were both telling me to stay, that if he got a job, his depression would lift and his eyes would open. and that's happened. he's going through his own healing process, i leave him to it and he knows i'm here if he needs to talk. he's much more open to my healing process, he finally understands that i'm not trying to punish him just by feeling my own feelings.

it's not all roses and pie, but it'll do

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#15 of 43 Old 08-06-2005, 11:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mellybean
lisa, i'm glad i stuck it out. my instinct and intuition were both telling me to stay, that if he got a job, his depression would lift and his eyes would open. and that's happened. he's going through his own healing process, i leave him to it and he knows i'm here if he needs to talk. he's much more open to my healing process, he finally understands that i'm not trying to punish him just by feeling my own feelings.

it's not all roses and pie, but it'll do

Sounds like you are getting somewhere. We are kind of the same I think. Finding a good therepist helped us. I still sometimes find myself waiting for him to freak out on me again, but He's really checking himself more. He gets grumpy, but that to me is normal, its the lashing out I couldn't handle.

It's funny my instinct was screaming at me to leave...for a really long time. When we did leave I was staying at a shelter for a few days and it was heavenly, just me and the kids in the mountains in the middle of nowhere.


I'm glad we have resolved it, he's great with the kids most of the time and when we are alone we are friends again which I never thought we would get back.

We all love each other and its obvious. We just have to wade through all this stuff everyday, but I do believe it's worth it.

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#16 of 43 Old 08-07-2005, 01:37 AM
 
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um, i thought we were getting somewhere, but i think what really happened is that we just hadn't found anything to really disagree about. tonight we had the weirdest blowout, he lost it in a store, lots of witnesses, nearly needed to call the police Parents as Partners is still closed ... where can i post about this?

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#17 of 43 Old 08-07-2005, 10:01 AM
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meli - i'm so sorry he did that. i can't remember if you said whether or not he is in therapy (in addition to being opening to healing and getting a job). it sounds like therapy is a must IF you stay. do you think you will stay?

i don't know where you can post now. maybe toa? you can always post with us....

s
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#18 of 43 Old 08-07-2005, 10:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Meli - I'm so sorry this happened. I say post with us or TOA too.

We are here for you!

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#19 of 43 Old 08-07-2005, 04:46 PM
 
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Meli- please post here if there is anything we can do for you....

Off topic- why is the partners forum closed? I think it is rather odd that we have a pets forum but none for one of our children's most important relationships.

Maureen
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#20 of 43 Old 08-12-2005, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree it will be nice when Parents as partners re-opens.

How is everyone?

So currently I can feel another erruption coming. Dh is getting stressed at work and saying stupid things again. One thing that happened tonight made me wonder though.

The past few nights I have been having trouble putting the kids to bed, they have both been ignoring everything I've said and won't lie down etc, it can take up to 2hrs for me to put the little one down,(I know this passes but it seems to be going on forever : )
Anyway it takes dh about 10mins!!! TOTAL! Everytime!
So obviously he has been doing it and got a bit annoyed tonight as it took him 20mins.

I've been loosing it a bit with the kids recently ie raising my voice a bit and trying to assert myself (no effect whatsoever) And dh told me off for getting cross...HA! But when he got annoyed tonight and basically swore under his breath to himself I freaked out, telling him he can't behave like that blah blah blah. I totally over reacted because of past behaviour from him and caused a huge fight that did not need to happen. What a dork.

I've spent so long blaming him for stuff (a lot of which has been very abusive) It's like I'm blinkered. My judgement is so off sometimes.

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#21 of 43 Old 08-13-2005, 12:55 AM
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ack. lisa, are we having the same crappy friday? i told dh off for not using a coaster tonight and it turned out that ds (2) moved the glass off the coaster while dh was taking care of screaming dd. so, dh is asleep on the couch and pissed. and i am pissed because he couldn't just tell me what happenned, he had to lash out and complain about me leaving my "crap" everywhere -- which i do, but then i do most of the straightening of the junk that we all leave lying around. i am sooooo frustrated. i am so mad at him that he can throw all this attitude at me and then go to bed and i sit here fuming for half the night. and i am soooo mad that now another weekend will begin with this s**t. how can we avoid this? i'm mad at me and him!!! i am just mad. mad. mad. mad.
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#22 of 43 Old 08-13-2005, 10:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Tug, I think the way we avoid all this crap is to let more go...My Dad is big on Buddism, letting go etc. He's always telling me to own my self. Everyone elses stuff is their stuff.(I'm really bad at explaining this)

Whenever I get the chance to meditate(which is rare right now with a 3 1/2 yr old and 19mo old) It is all so much easier.

I end up pretending in my head I'm just really wise and above all this silly stuff. After all, looking at the big picture, do any of our silly arguments really matter?

Ok, now I'm going to be nice and calm allllll weekend.


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#23 of 43 Old 08-22-2005, 11:17 AM
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good morning - just wanted to say hi to everybody and see how people are doing? meli?

we were doing ok, but had another big blow up this morning (always sends me back here).

so, i'm not even sure what my question is, but let me try to get this out because i'm really upset and don't know what the answer is. obviously, parents have to judge eachother's actions as parents so that they can respond to what the other is doing and adjust their responses to the kids to be consistent with their partners. also obviously, sometimes a parent will feel that partner has acted inappropriately towards a child (a tone that is mean, discipline that is over the top, etc). the observing parent needs to and should discuss this with the offending parent.

given all of that, should the observing parent comment right away or should that parent wait until he or she can quietly explain how he or she felt and should the observing parent have an obligation to begin with some affirming language before leading into the other comments?

hmph, maybe i should just explain - dh criticized me last night about tone right when i was in the middle of dealing with a bunch of things and it totally flipped me out. now, this morning, he explained some more about how he felt and i am feeling totally crappy and like he thinks i suck as a mother and as a person. i am not sure what to do with all of these feelings and i don't know if low self-esteem is taking what was a momentary criticism and blowing it out of proportion or if his judgmentalness is actually the problem - like he gets to criticize me because he's such a saint.

i don't know. i guess i'm just hurting and wanted to come to a safe corner to lick my wounds rather than engaging him on the issue again 'cause we left it at a horrible point this morning.
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#24 of 43 Old 08-22-2005, 11:21 AM
 
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#25 of 43 Old 08-23-2005, 09:00 AM
 
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hi ... i haven't been back to update because right after i posted my last post, things went to hell in a handbasket again i don't know what's wrong, he was so happy to have a new job. he said he likes his job. i've been getting sicker and sicker, it's mostly stress it turns out (long story is in my blog). i think my husband may have read something on a marriage website, but taken it wrong and is using it wrong? because every time we talk, if he disagrees even in the most minor way, all he says is "you insulted me" and either walks away, or keeps repeating it over and over and over, i can't get a word in sometimes. and, even though he has a good job, we're deeper in debt than ever suddenly. i'm trying to figure out what's going on, but this headache/pain stuff hit like a hammer very suddenly and since then i'm living through a fog. i don't feel angry anymore, just really confused!

i did have the presence of mind once to say, "when you say 'you insulted me' i feel hurt, it feels like you're telling me what i'm thinking and feeling. if you feel insulted, could you just say "i feel insulted" and then let me know why you feel that way?'" he said he'd try. then the next day he started it over again he's also doing this thing where, if i'm talking about something, he'll interrupt with his own thing. i go back to what i was talking about, and he says "you have to turn everything around so it's about you!"

so basically i am just exhausted and too tired to argue much less be able to figure out what's going on. i just want to take good care of the baby.

lisa72, can you post a link to the old thread? i couldn't find it in a search for some reason. i wanted to print out the "agreements." thanks!

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#26 of 43 Old 08-23-2005, 01:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=294746&page=1

Here you go Meli, It's on the first page of the last roll call. I think I did it.

Sorry to hear you are going through more of the same stuff with your husband. He sounds very stressed out with everything and is taking it all out on you maybe? I find if my h's work is stressful, or I am sick( I'm not talking really sick like you ) He turns a very angry and resentful person.

Our therepist said he just has to learn to leave the situation, it's as simple as that. Noone should have to live like this.

I really hope things get better for you soon.

Tug - sounds like us right now - which is a LOT better than it used to be, but I know, having your knowledge as a mother questioned and critisiced(sp) really does suck, especially infront of the kids. H and I agreed that we do this stuff alone. I think that has happened once. I'm really trying to let these things go though, I think what is more important is that the children see you as a united front, so to speak.

I know that is easier said than done, We can't do it yet. I seem to be turning into the angry person My husband was....yuk.

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#27 of 43 Old 08-23-2005, 04:59 PM
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yeah, what is with the anger? i was sooooo mad all day yesterday. i don't want to be like that. i don't know how to NOT be like that.

i don't want to fall into the victim/martyr and i don't want to be that angry. i think they might be connected, but i can't figure out how to break the cycle.

anyone else feel like this or have any ideas...MsMoMPls?
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#28 of 43 Old 08-23-2005, 10:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by tug
yeah, what is with the anger? i was sooooo mad all day yesterday. i don't want to be like that. i don't know how to NOT be like that.

i don't want to fall into the victim/martyr and i don't want to be that angry. i think they might be connected, but i can't figure out how to break the cycle.

anyone else feel like this or have any ideas...MsMoMPls?
You put it so much better than me...I don't want to be the ranting lunatic mother...that isn't who I am. I want to break this too but seem completely unable to.

How do you peaceful, Zen like Mamas do it??? Do you exsist?

Lisa: Homeschooling Mum of ds, 8 and dd, 6
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#29 of 43 Old 08-24-2005, 12:46 AM
 
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Well dear mommas, as I turn 42!!!! in a few hours, I think I have figured out how to be a peaceful momma and a peaceful partner... but it takes a long time. I have learned a great deal of acceptance after years of trying to make everyone in the world operate the way that I want them to... and failing miserably. Now I try really hard to accept that everyone is really equal... equally messed up, equally confused, equally struggling. Just because some days I look like I have it all together doesn't mean that I have a right to tell anyone else how to live. And that is supposed to be what I do for a living. But really people are trying pretty hard to be good loving people and missing the boat sometimes. I say aim for more peaceful minutes in the day, don't worry about whole days, just watch the minutes.

Honestly- I do yell sometimes, but a great deal less every year. I kind of look like a grandma. Well, not physically I hope, but you know, aiming for way laid back, spoil them rotten, don't sweat the small stuff.

I will tell you all my greatest secret about marriage... don't tell my dh, but all men are about the same. So, when I get frustrated with mine, I figure unless I am ready to throw in the towel and give up with all of them, this one will do. This whole men and women living together and attempting to raise children together is really a mess. Can't believe that this is supposed to work. Especially without any real rules or role models or anything. Just make it up as you go and see how that works.

Ok mommas, keep on struggling but go easy on yourselves. Life is supposed to be a lot more fun than this. Tomorrow I am taking a two hour bike ride, sitting at a coffee shop, going to lunch with my dh and getting my hair cut with a dear friend. Funny how life gets simpler. Sounds like heaven.

Maureen
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#30 of 43 Old 08-24-2005, 09:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Happy birthday to you Maureen!

Great post, thank you. Whenever I talk to any of my girlfriends who are in their 40s(I'm 32) They say very similar things...My Mum (54) says her 40's were amazing for that reason, you suddenly realise life doesn't have to be that serious, noone is perfect, get on with it and have fun.

As husbands go..mine is pretty great. I spend a lot of time complaining about mine, and we have had some horrible times, but he works hard, loves us more than anything and tries really hard to do the right thing. Just doesn't always get it right. I know his heart is good though which is the main thing.

Your post has given me a great start to my day. Thanks and have a great birthday!

Lisa

Lisa: Homeschooling Mum of ds, 8 and dd, 6
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