What to do about a "friend" I don't want to be friends with? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-30-2005, 04:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
JillChristina's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Snohomish, WA
Posts: 654
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have this "friend" that I really don't enjoy being with anymore. But I'm not sure what to do about the relationship.

We used to work together. Then she got a new job somewhere else and I had a baby and quit my job to stay home. The interaction between us certainly dwindled - we'd only see each other for lunch maybe a few times a year. Now she has a baby, stays home, and lives quite close to me. The opportunities for seeing each other have increased. My big problem with her now is her treatment of my dd. She treats her like a dog. No respect. Says things I consider to be totally inappropriate (i.e. "Your mommmy's not going to have any time to play with you once the new baby is born." WTF?!?), and is just generally dismissive to her. I also really have no desire to meet with her without my daughter. I'm not going to go out of my way to have someone watch Kylie so I can go be with this person I don't really want to be with, KWIM? But I certainly don't want to subject my sweet girl to any more of this lady's crap.

I've tried just not calling, emailing, etc. but then she'll call or email and I'll feel guilty for not responding and feel like I HAVE to see her. It all boils down to my guilty feelings. They are what drive me to continue to see her. I don't want to be mean to her and tell her off but I just don't have the want or energy to try to be friends with her.

Do I just keep putting her off when she asks about getting together, hoping she'll get the hint? It just doesn't seem to work when I do that. She keeps coming back. I just have no interest in trying to fix whatever's wrong with this relationship. Or maybe I should just suck it up, find a sitter for dd, and put in my time with this friend.

Anyone have any ideas?

Jill
JillChristina is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-30-2005, 04:21 PM
 
MyLittleWonders's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Always learning something new.
Posts: 7,928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I so wish I had help for you ... I just went through something similar, but took the "easy" way (for me that is) by not calling. The relationship had a lot of hurt feelings from my perspective and I really didn't wish to try to mend it. It's been a while, so I'm thinking it's pretty much over. But I am really bad at confrontation, so I don't feel like I can even tell you to tell her what you feel. : (In other words, I can't even take my own advice, so it'd be pretty hard to tell you to take it.) Hopefully a wise mama on here will have some good advice, because this is one area I can't stand dealing with. 's to you as you try to figure out how to end the relationship.

 Me + dh = heartbeat.gif ds (7/01), ds (11/03), ds (6/06)
and dd born 11/21/10 - our T21 SuperBaby ribbluyel.gif heartbeat.gif
MyLittleWonders is offline  
Old 11-30-2005, 07:44 PM
 
pony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: NJ
Posts: 176
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't see what you have to lose by telling her what you think. If she's offended and cuts you off, good riddance. If she tries to mend her ways to preserve the friendship, there's nothing wrong with having as many friends as you can have--you never know when you might need her.
pony is offline  
Old 12-01-2005, 11:56 PM
 
freestyler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,693
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Personally, I would take the "easy way out" too, and simply not return any phone calls or e-mails, etc. Unless she's a stalker or seriously stupid, she'll eventually get the hint. I also do not like confrontation and sometimes it isn't even warranted when an easier way might work. I had a situation when I had to take the more confrontational approach (the person was seriously mentally ill and would call 12 times EVERY DAY and leave like 8 messages in a row.) In her case the less confrontational approach (not calling her back for three months) did not work, unfortunately. Most people though, they are not that persistant or obnoxious. Good luck.

In no case would I continue a relationship with someone that treated me kids poorly or someone I just didn't like. Life is too short for that!! It also creates bad bad karma in our own lives.
freestyler is offline  
Old 12-02-2005, 04:12 AM
 
newcastlemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: My happy place
Posts: 3,949
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have been in a similar situation since I had a baby. When I was around this person I felt drained and superficial even before the outing was over. We never talked about real things, just small talk and clothes ect....I am not into small talk or clothes (especially when she was telling me I needed to wear different ones!!!) This may sound silly, but I asked God to make it easy for me to bail because there was really no reason for me to confront. It seems like with time these kinds of relationships just fizzle out when people stop putting any effort in....I hope your situation gets better..

homebirth.jpg<>< Mama to DS, DD, and a new baby girl 4/1! homeschool.gifmdcblog5.gif

newcastlemama is offline  
Old 12-02-2005, 04:21 PM
 
Peepsqueak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That is mean to say things like that to a little kid....I would not trust her around my kids ever again. I would consider that an automatic breech to any kind of friendship.

In answer to your question though, I would break it off by no contact at all and ignore her attempts to reach you. If not, just be bluntly honest with her because of how she treated your child. After all, she had no problem being rude to your child.....
Peepsqueak is offline  
Old 12-02-2005, 10:53 PM
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If how she treats your dd is the only reason you don't want to be friends with her anymore tell her "I don't like how you treat my daughter, I can't be friends with someone who is rude to my child, sorry."

(But then I'm not big on waiting people out.)
sapphire_chan is offline  
Old 12-04-2005, 03:01 PM
 
NewMomNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 51
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am a big fan of phasing out - no contact from yourside, don't respond when she contacts you, except in vague, polite, distant ways (like if your caller ID is broken and you accidentally take her call, just be "busy right now" and get off the phone before she can try to make plans).

If the problem is something small and changable or you had any desire to maintain the friendship, it would be worth talking it over (for instance, calling her on it when she says something you don't like). But the problem sounds like it's just part of her personality and you DON'T want to maintain the connection so what is the point of a big uncomfortable scene?
NewMomNicole is offline  
Old 12-04-2005, 03:12 PM
 
Tanibani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Southern California
Posts: 2,984
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JillChristina
I've tried just not calling, emailing, etc. but then she'll call or email and I'll feel guilty for not responding and feel like I HAVE to see her. It all boils down to my guilty feelings. They are what drive me to continue to see her. I don't want to be mean to her and tell her off but I just don't have the want or energy to try to be friends with her.

Do I just keep putting her off when she asks about getting together, hoping she'll get the hint? It just doesn't seem to work when I do that. She keeps coming back. I just have no interest in trying to fix whatever's wrong with this relationship. Or maybe I should just suck it up, find a sitter for dd, and put in my time with this friend.
Drop the guilt!!!

Hell no, don't find a sitter so you can force yourself to have a friendship with someone you don't care for.

Maybe she isn't "getting the hint" because you are still picking up her calls! (LOL) So she is getting mixed signals.

Drop ALL responsiveness on your side. If she eventually calls you on it, you can be truthful, "I can't be friends with someone who is so rude to my child."

I can't believe she said that to your child (then again, I can ).

Why????? do you feel guilty????

I like the ideas on this thread. Good luck!

10 - boy
5.5 - girl
Tanibani is offline  
Old 12-06-2005, 03:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
JillChristina's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Snohomish, WA
Posts: 654
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and ideas. I really do appreciate it.

I think I'll just try keeping to myself and see how that goes. I'm really not so sure why I feel guilty about not wanting to be friends with her. I don't want to hurt her feelings, I just don't want to hang with her anymore. But if it comes down to it, I do feel I can tell her that I don't like how she treats my dd. I can take a lot of crap but I'll be darned if I'm going to put my kid through that.

Thanks, ladies.
Jill
JillChristina is offline  
Old 12-06-2005, 03:15 PM
 
Bookworm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 713
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just wanted to pipe in, though it sounds like you've got things figured out. I've had friends do some pretty bad stuff to me (haven't we all?), just as I know I've made mistakes (sometimes repeating the same mistakes for periods of time) in friendships. It sounds like this "friend" is not in a place right now where she should be around your daughter, just like you already said. That said, I've confronted friends about stuff and later regretted it. I wish I had kept things polite so the door might be open a year or two or eight down the line, in case she grows as a person you and your dd both might enjoy. There are ways to distance yourself without burning bridges. I've learned my lesson the hard way.
Bookworm is offline  
Old 12-06-2005, 03:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
JillChristina's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Snohomish, WA
Posts: 654
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bookworm
There are ways to distance yourself without burning bridges. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

I completely agree. I don't want to alienate this woman. It's just that every interaction with her seems forced (from my end) and I just don't want to spend that kind of energy on someone I'm not dying to be with. I'll certainly be as nice as I can during this "drifting apart" time in our lives.

I actually had an experience where my group of close friends and my husband and I sort of let go of another couple that we weren't meshing with at the time. It's a few years down the road and we're all working on being friends again. A little time has passed and I think things are better this time around. Thankfully nothing horrible was said that can't be taken back. It's been a good lesson in friendship. I guess it's true that if you let them go but they're meant to be in your life, they'll come back.

Jill
JillChristina is offline  
Old 12-06-2005, 06:20 PM
 
Bookworm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 713
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JillChristina
I actually had an experience where my group of close friends and my husband and I sort of let go of another couple that we weren't meshing with at the time. It's a few years down the road and we're all working on being friends again. A little time has passed and I think things are better this time around. Thankfully nothing horrible was said that can't be taken back. It's been a good lesson in friendship. I guess it's true that if you let them go but they're meant to be in your life, they'll come back.
Yeah, you're so right. I was actually thinking that I meant to say in my post, that no matter how much a friend seems like somone you can't stand in the moment, there's usually something you saw in them at first that you'll find appealing again. I liked what you said about not meshing well at the time. That hits the nail on the head, to me.
Bookworm is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off