Parenting and Rage - Page 11 - Mothering Forums

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#301 of 1766 Old 05-21-2006, 11:05 PM
 
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I feel completely ping-pongy somedays. I will be so enamored of dd for a while and we'll be kissing and snuggling and then a few hours later, she has exasperated me and I'm yelling "will you PLEASE just listen to me?" and she's whining "Mommy, no get frustrated with me." It is a huge emotional roller coaster being home with her most of the time.
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#302 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 12:35 AM
 
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thanks so much for that. kava is often a big help for me, provided that i take it as soon as i start getting a little cranky (before it turns to full-blown bitchiness).

you mentioned progesterone supplementation after age 35. i'm only 28, but i think this might be an issue for me already (my pms is 100x worse since childbirth- i feel like i haven't been "right" since then). what type of substance is the progesterone supplement: naturally occurring, synthetic, or animal derived? i've heard recently about yam helping, so i'm going to try some of that for next month.

(please, ladies, feel free to kick me out of here at any time and tell me to take my business over to health+healing... i won't be offended!)

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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#303 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 12:46 AM
 
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Are we all messed up? Or is this part of the process of parenting and being human. We are all trying to be conscienscious but do you think there are people who just never loose their cool? I feel so guilty being such the "perfect" mom most of the time and then suddenly turning into Cruella Deville...I see the looks on my kids' faces, the horror "who the hell is that woman?"

I really think one pp touched on the struggle of being the primary care giver and being 24/7 but kind of aching to get away and have a professional/autanomous life...it's a real tough balance in this culture, not easy to find a balance. I think it may be a life-long pursuit for most who are even conscious of it.

I think doing "the best we can" and breathing are really important. I tried tonight to say it to myself "I'm doing the best I can" and "breathe" as my kids were acting up, it really helped. I told them too, "let's all do the best we can to make this go smoothly"- worked well with my 6 yr old, not much with my 3 yr old, but it kept me calm.

Peace.
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#304 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 12:54 AM
 
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I just read through most of this thread (that's a lot of reading) and tears are just rolling rolling down my face. My family is sitting near me, my precious daughter and her dad. I have felt so much shame and guilt about my rage and I've been so afraid to talk to anyone about it. I guess I've been believing only "those" kinds of mamas would act the way I do sometimes, all the yelling, the handling my beautiful sweet child a little too roughly, the awful things I've said... In my horrible judgmental moments, I think only the kinds of moms who put Coke in their babies' bottles and smoke cigarettes in the car with their kids are the ones who act out with rage at their children. I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone else, that I AM one of "those" moms (minus the Coke and the cigarettes).

Anyway. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for opening up about this. I'm not sure where I'll go with this, but it's an enormous relief to know I'm not the only one, not the only AP mama with rage issues...

Peace to everyone.
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#305 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 03:39 AM
 
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three things that are helping me IMMENSELY, wow, have things really turned around.

1) daily dose of Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Slows things down, puts dd in a great mood, makes me transcend the petty...

2) screen saver marquee. I rotate the saying every week or so...a phrase from the (online samples) Parenting Cards at www.naturalchild.com/parenting_cards/ . They really do remind me that "there is always a way to be on my child's side" or "unconditional love is loving a child no matter what"

3) 10 minutes to myself a few times a day. It makes a big difference to be able to be "off work" psychologically.

Liora. Best way to reach me is FACEBOOK, search for "LioraP2". Jewish and Frum In Beijing, Mom of Three (mother of 3: #1 was vaccine injured at age 2m later dx with PDD-NOS, healed in 3 years with biomed. #2 unvaxed and healthy boy. #3 unvaxed amazing girl with Down syndrome using Targeted Nutritional Intervention (TNI) since infancy)
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#306 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 10:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mijumom
Are we all messed up? Or is this part of the process of parenting and being human. We are all trying to be conscienscious but do you think there are people who just never loose their cool?
No way! I think that most people who are parents must deal with these kinds of feelings. Maybe some of the people in here are simply more worried about them than others? In general, I would say that MDC attracts a very conscientous parenting crowd, one who will more vigourously address these feelings maybe. I am sure most parents deal with these feelings, but perhaps many don't doubt themselves about them, but rather think "how could I not get frustrated by this behavior?" and try to just wait until their kid "outgrows" the phase they are in. You think?
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#307 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 11:48 AM
 
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A pp mentioned Rescue Remedy. I have found this to be extremely useful for me when I'm feeling uncontrollable anger/stress. If I'm about to boil over (or just have) I will take the Rescue Remedy. Sometimes more than once if the feelings are still there later. I think just the act of stopping to take it helps me consciously realize that I need to stop and take a breather. Sometimes it can be so bad for all three of us that I take some orally, then I rub a couple drops on my kids' wrists. We all take a breather. It really does work!
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#308 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 12:11 PM
 
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OT??? (Not really)

This is a little hormone tutorial. Last Tuesday evening I attended a class about female hormonal imbalances. The issues regarding hormonal levels is that they may be normal on blood levels, but symptomatic (menstrual pain, moodiness, endometriosis, tired, difficulty conceiving, insomnia, hair loss, etc.). The blood levels were discussed as *available* hormones BUT with poor utilization by the body, they aren't effective. The utilization efficiency is dependent upon many interrelated nutrients and other hormones. Interestingly, cortisol is a huge variable associated with effective uptake of the hormones progesterone (especially), estrogen and testosterone, AND thyroid. High corisol levels cause hormone resistance and block the utilization of the hormones. Many post partum women have disturbances in their cortisol (due to STRESS!!) and thyroid uptake becomes interferred with too. Evidently, progesterone levels, associated with mood stability, start decreasing precipitously about age 35 naturally. Low progesterone = mood changes.

The recommendation was to have saliva testing of these hormones, instead of blood level evaluation. And it should include the saliva levels of cortisol and thyroid. Pregnancy and breastfeeding alter these sex hormones and nutrient variables are critical in the uptake and utilization ability of the blood, especially in the brain neurosynthesis of these hormones. These hormones effect the immune system, and seratonin is associated with sleep and estrogen. (I was taking notes.) The progesterone level evaluated in saliva is critical as most women at age 35 are low in progesterone, irrelevant of recent pregnancy or breastfeeding even. Pregnancy alters all of these hormones, as does breastfeeding.

Apparently, there are synthetic hormone replacements (HRT) and bio-identical hormone replacements (BHRT). (I had never heard much about this issue before now.) Anyway, the BHRT are more able to be utilized by the body because of their "fit" with (proteins or amino acids, I believe) in order to be used rather than freely "available" in the blood. Does this make sense? Basically, HRT and even our own hormones may appear to be adequate in quantity. according to the blood level, but the the interaction of other hormones and nutrients (specifically deficiencies) means that they are not effectively used. So, the suggestion was to have each of the sex hormones evaluated in saliva and replaced specifically (as necessary) with bio-identical repacements (BHRT). Evidently, the reason that most HRT used by the medical profession is HRT, is because HRT is marketed. BHRT are naturally derived and MUCH less expensive and don't hold the profit potential.

Apparently, BHRT are *derived* from Wild Mexican Yams and Soy and made to be chemcially identical to our natural hormones. Although, food consumption of these foods in huge quantities would NOT be as useful or efficient an effort to "replace" the hormones. The natural derivative of the hormones is chemically dissimilar, ie. phytoestrogen is NOT the same as a bio-identical hormone. Confused as mud? I was a critical care nurse for 17 years and I am a bit confused. So, I am giving my best understanding, but this is NOT my area of specialty. I was a cardio-thorasic nurse. BUT, I am now 43 and ummmm....needing to understand this stuff better.

BTW, endometriosis is associated with progesterone levels. I too have endo too. And progesterone is associated with the utilization of estrogen...which all needs to be in balance to conceive and carry babies to term. All of this is interestingly connected. Frankly, I have written all I know. So, I am not more help than knowing that I need more info! And Magnesium (and many other nutrients) are critical to the immune system and the hormones, if I recall correctly. And most of us are low in Magnesium, especially after pregnancy and while breast feeding. Amazing isn't it?

The book "Menopause & The Mind" was a referenced resource for the lay person about the interaction of hormones and moods. I am going to seek it out. Another author knowledgable about hormones and women is Susan Weed. She has several books about different stages in a woman's life: childbearing years, premenopausal, etc. I haven't read her books, but a friend recommended them. And John Lee writes about hormone balancing in relation to diet, supplements and exercise.

HTH, Pat

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#309 of 1766 Old 05-22-2006, 12:48 PM
 
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Pat~

thank you for all the info and for your PP,,,I am going to try one of the flower essences you mentioned. I've been researching hormones llately trying to get to the root of my pms/moods,,,I'm going to post this over in the mamas w/skin issues tribe, i think it could be helpful over there also.

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#310 of 1766 Old 05-23-2006, 09:39 AM
 
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"(I was taking notes.)" ~pat


and it's a good thing for us that you did!!

thanks so much. the info regarding saliva testing of the hormones, cortisol, and thyroid is a great starting place for me. do you know if there's a test that can be done for endometriosis, or if an irregular pap could indicate a possibility of it?

again, thanks.

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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#311 of 1766 Old 05-23-2006, 10:18 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caspian's mama
do you know if there's a test that can be done for endometriosis, or if an irregular pap could indicate a possibility of it?
Evidently, it is important to have all the levels tested and it is pretty progressive (read: hard to find) a physician who is knowledgable about this stuff. : The lady doctor who did the class is a naturopathic physician with a passion about hormones. Having the saliva testing available is uncommon and understanding the interpretation and interconnection apparently is an art, not an exact science. There is a process of supplement hormone A and hormones B and C change too, a dommino effect. Then retest and adjust. Unfortunately, the tests and consulation appears to be considered "elective" by insurance companies though. : And it isn't cheap. So, I am investigating more about it regarding lab choice, and understanding the interaction of the hormones before forking out the money! Apparently, it is $200 for the initial consultation (out of pocket!) and THEN $150 for the saliva test and THEN a follow up consult ($$) and a repeat saliva test in 3-5 months ($$$??) and THEN a follow up consult ($$). I am going to learn this stuff and charge someone.

I guess if you felt great after the inital supplements you don't have to go back. But, continuous supplementation without evaluation sounds tricky too. I believe it is all supposed to get you (me) into hormonal balance and then just do annual follow ups. But, %*#@ that is a lot of money.

The endometriosis is visually diagnosed on an ultrasound of the uterus and pelvic cavity. Endo is associated with pain with the menstrual cycle. It is abnormal to have menstrual pain. I always thought it was *normal*. The treatment is either hormonal adjustments, done based upon blood levels (unfortuantely), or surgical removal of ALL endo. It is about useless to leave any endo. I am OT now. The pap is NOT irregular with endo though, as far as I know. If you have severe pain, and are trying to conceive, I'd see a reproductive endocrinologist. They can address the issues systemically, and the earlier the better....in your spare time of course. Again often out of pocket $$$$$ though. But, if mood issues, I would consider the naturopathic route.

HTH, Pat

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#312 of 1766 Old 05-23-2006, 11:05 AM
 
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I haven't read this whole thread, but I wanted to subscribe, because I have anger and rage issues, and so does my dh. And we both have taken to yeling too much.

I am trying to do "Unconditional Parenting", but it's really hard. We have two dd's, A:3 years 8 mos and G:16 months. We have had violence and agression problems with A as well, she has a slight speech delay (probably the two are linked). I probably had/have PPD, and was seeing a counsellor, till she moved in December.
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#313 of 1766 Old 05-23-2006, 10:36 PM
 
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#314 of 1766 Old 05-23-2006, 11:00 PM
 
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Michelle, please do not be afraid to see a therapist for these feelings. I'm not a therapist myself, but having gone through severe post partum depression twice, it really sounds like you may be living with it yourself (even with your babe being nearly a year old).

In fact, I would strongly *urge* you to see a therapist (not because I'm judging you, but because I think I've been in your shoes). Having someone to whom you can spill those feelings can genuinely take the "edge" off, as well as helping you get beyond them. A therapist is not going to think you're a bad mama or call CPS because of the things you've posted...they're going to help you get to a better place emotionally so you can be the kind of mom you want to be.

I despise play groups too. In fact, I don't much like people, lol. But I enrolled my DD in preschool this year (where we live, it's 1 hour a week and moms stay with the child, although there's a teacher who facilitates things) because it was at least a break in the routine, kwim? I really didn't interact much with the other moms...I mostly just sat and watched DD play.

In so many ways, the baby stage is the hardest part IMHO. They are totally helpless, demanding, and inarticulate. It sets the stage for a lot of frustration and anger. With my DS, I went back to work when he was about 3 weeks old, mostly because my head was about to explode being at home.

Even with DD, after I'd gotten older and mellowed out, there were a few times when I just couldn't deal. I wanted to take DS (who was 14 at the time) and run far away from DH and DD. So no, you are not the only one who gets angry with a baby...............but I'd guess that really instead of being angry with or at the baby, you're angry at your current circumstances.

Please take care of yourself...let your mama take care of the baby for a while so you can escape (for an hour, a day, time for you to just breathe peacefully). Although life never goes back to normal (life with a baby is the new normal), you really do adjust and find ways of being "you" as well as being someone else's mom.

Lisa
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#315 of 1766 Old 05-23-2006, 11:11 PM
 
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Michelle, please know that you are not alone.

You are not the only mother to feel this way. You are not the only mother to feel anger towards her child.

I second the suggestion to see a doctor- you sound like you are suffering from depression, and you do not have to take it any longer. Medication or frequent venting sessions can help considerably! A well-trained counselor will recognize depression for what it is and will not call the authorities on you for feeling stuck, depressed, bored, frustrated, and angry at your baby.

You're going to make it.

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#316 of 1766 Old 05-23-2006, 11:50 PM
 
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for michelle

the prev posters mentioned postpartum depression. don't be folled into thinking (as i did) that "my son's almost a year old now, so this can't be PPD." mine hit hardest when he was between 9mos and 18mos, and it blew me away because i assumed i'd just bypassed it since right after he was born i didn't have any of those feelings.

i also agree about seeing a therapist. if you feel like you need to screen a bit of what you say at first until your comfort level increases, that's just fine too. but it's SOOO nice to get it out there (preferably to a female therapist; preferably to one who's a mom herself) and actually hear someone say "know what? i felt like that too."

good luck. you don't exactly sound like a slacker, so i think you'll eventually get past this and find a way to challenge yourself again and make your life blossom.

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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#317 of 1766 Old 05-24-2006, 04:16 PM
 
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just a quick picture book rec -- everytime i read it lately, i think about the women on this thread:

Harriet, You'll Drive Me Wild by Mem Fox.

I find it a really validating book -- about trying hard to be gentle and not always succeeding.
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#318 of 1766 Old 05-25-2006, 12:34 AM
 
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((michelle)) I'm sorry you are in this difficult place, you are not alone in these feelings and you can get thru it. I would like to post more but will have to do that tomorrow. blessings~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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#319 of 1766 Old 05-26-2006, 10:21 AM
 
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i have the names of 4 therapists in my area. one or two accept my insurance, maybe and i think all 4 of them have a sliding scale fee.
now i am trying to get up the courage to call on and make an appointment.
i really feel like how can i take care of my kids, my family, and my "moms" (i am a doula) when i can't even take care of myself??? i want to get in the car, put my kids in the car, and drive away, leave all the crap behind. even though i know that no matter where you are, there you are.

Michelle... i totally understand about feeling your life is stagnant. i love my kids, but in order to make extra money for our family i work two nights a week cleaning a medical office. it is hard work and i wish i had an education to get something better. so i would encourage you to seek counseling... but... i am having trouble myself in that department.

anyway... i am gratful for this forum. hopefully i will get up the courage to seek some professional counseling.
peace
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#320 of 1766 Old 05-26-2006, 10:50 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hmsmomma4
i really feel like how can i take care of my kids, my family, and my "moms" (i am a doula) when i can't even take care of myself???
Turn it around: How can you be *expected* to take care of your kids, your family, and your "moms" if you don't take care of yourself?
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#321 of 1766 Old 05-26-2006, 11:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hmsmomma4

anyway... i am gratful for this forum. hopefully i will get up the courage to seek some professional counseling.
peace
michele
What helped me to choose counselling was that I didn't want to do anything that could be detrimental to our son out of fear of seeking counselling. I was so intensely reactive to him grabbing me when my hands were occupied, or when he hit me. I felt trapped and wanted to fling him off as if I were being assaulted. The hitting was such a normal develpmental stage, but my reaction was viceral and like a fight or flight response to danger. Fortunately, I recognized that my level of internal emotional reaction was out of proportion for a mama reacting to a 18 month old.

Counselling has helped. The book Peace Is Every Step helped. And The Dance of Anger helped me to change some unhealthy relationships to which I felt imprisoned.

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#322 of 1766 Old 05-27-2006, 06:34 PM
 
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I'm having a terribly rotten day. I'm in a horrid mood ... I feel like I've been pissed for days. I think it is all stemming from frustration with DH and with our apartment. DH has totally checked-out. He doesn't act like he even cares about me any more ... only kisses me when he wants to GIO, then gets mad when I won't. He won't even clean-up after himself on the smallest scale. He uses stuff and leaves it and any associated garbage right where he used it. He refuses to help with the house or DS. Today he couldn't find something he needed for work and he tore apart three large baskets of laundry trying to find it, three baskets of laundry I had washed and folded, and left it all in a huge heap on our bed for me to pick up, all the while b*tching at me because he couldn't find it. I realized the other day DH has never taken the garbage out unless I absolutely FORCED him to the entire time we've lived here. He's never taken care of his own clothes the entire time we've been married. I don't remember the last time he got up with DS in the morning (my best guess is maybe over a year ago). I have to start this job I didn't want to sign-on to on Monday, because DH forced me into it. On top of that, I know he won't change his lazy ways just because I start working, no matter what he says. I'm going to be dealing with the house and DS and working full-time taking care of others and getting no help from DH.

To hell with it. Thanks for letting me vent. I wish I could say it helped.

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#323 of 1766 Old 05-27-2006, 11:06 PM
 
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What a great day for me to find this thread! I don't have the energy to even go into what's going on w/ me, but suffice it to say that today has been the day from hell. I'll just keep reading, and hopefully glean some major insights which will help me make tomorrow NOT the day from hell. Thanks.
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#324 of 1766 Old 05-28-2006, 11:15 AM
 
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Blech. Sorry to post all venty yesterday. I'm just really frustrated with everything. I realized this morning it's not exclusively DH, though he has a lot to do with it ... I started Wellbutrin SR four weeks ago and nothing has changed. It's the fourth anti-depressant I've tried (after Prozac, Zoloft, and Celexa), and it is really disheartening to think nothing will help me get better. I do need to get into counseling ... it's been difficult trying to make that happen with my schedule being what it is. I've got to make that more of a priority.

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#325 of 1766 Old 05-28-2006, 01:04 PM
 
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Knittermama~

it can get better mama,,,have faith in yourself and your bodies ability to heal given the fuel it needs to do so. I know you are a very busy mama but dont forget to take some time for yourself,,,in the end you will be able to accomplish much more if you are taken care of. blessings~

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#326 of 1766 Old 05-28-2006, 07:21 PM
 
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...

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a lot of this thread resonates with me as well-yesterday I had such intense feelings of rage when all of my triggers were activated, and I wasn't able to reframe it very well. I acknowledge that I am an imperfect human, and that my daughters get so much love and positive interactions from me, but I am always mindful of how my flaws could negatively impact them. I know because I experienced it firsthand-my father's rage caused me to alter myself in order to please him, and I also attracted people into my life that treated me the same way my father treated me. I do not want that happening to my daughters.
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#328 of 1766 Old 06-04-2006, 12:37 PM
 
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mata~ you sound very aware and like a very loving mama,,,no advice, just sending some support. blessings~

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#329 of 1766 Old 06-04-2006, 04:40 PM
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I'm here.. I'll try to formulate a coherant post.. I have posted about my rage and anger to my kids in other forums here...
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#330 of 1766 Old 06-04-2006, 05:06 PM
 
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nym- i love your quote in your signature.
ps. we don't need coherency, just post away!

raising my two sunshine children.

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