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#601 of 1766 Old 01-18-2007, 11:05 AM
 
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rant on!! that's exactly what this thread is here for.

maria, have you tried pushing her bedtime a bit later? my son doesn't crash till like 10-1030 most nights, but he sleeps straight through the night until 8-830am. also, i wonder if something herbal could help her to stay asleep once she's down. i think melatonin is best for regulating sleep cycles and the effects are quite mild. please check with an herbalist or naturopath first, though, because i'm not sure if it's safe for children. for my own son i've used sleepytime tea (with valerian), as well as a few different children's tinctures, containing chamomile, skullcap, hops, catnip, et cetera. his problem usually lies with not being able to chill out enough to get to sleep, though, not staying asleep.

hope this helps! i'm always a mess if i don't get at least 7 hours minimum.
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#602 of 1766 Old 01-18-2007, 12:24 PM
 
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I just posted this on another thread, but it is what has helped me so many times.

Say "I am the adult. I can control myself." Even if you say it out loud, it will help you to have awareness and self-control.

When you are near that point of frustration, again. And the abject and total "had it" will occur again. Please walk to the sink, fill a large glass of water and drink it. This will help you to gain control and p. a. u. s. e. enough to think before you act. The emotion of overwhelming anger and need to respond can be halted. Please just STOP and take a deep breath. The moment will pass, you can regain your self-control and that WILL help your child to calm and be able to hear you better. Any intense emotion from me is intensely experienced by our son. He loses his rock, his calm in his storm, if I too am amped up. Rescue Remedy helps both of us, if there is anger welling up in me from being close to the edge. I know my triggers are lack of sleep, or low blood sugar. The H.A.L.T (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) triggers apply to both of us.

Often, the pause, drink of water and breathe in, breathe out, is all that is needed for me to calm myself internally, so that I can respond with connection and love. I know that you can do it next time. Please talk about how sometimes we can feel so upset that we can't understand what someone else needs, that you want to help each other to work it out together. Ask them to tell you, "Mom, please don't yell" and that can be your cue to walk to the sink, fill a glass of water and drink it.

It might also help to place a baby picture of the child around to help remind you of their smallness and vulnerability. They are learning. You are learning.

Be gentle with yourself.


Pat

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#603 of 1766 Old 01-18-2007, 12:43 PM
 
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Maria, my trigger is sleep deprivation too. I am not a sane person without sleep. I don't have the patience or self-control that I need. Or at least that is what I have come to/chosen to believe. Interestingly, as a teenager and in my 20's, I could burn both ends of the candle doing things *I* wanted to do and catch up on sleep later. It is harder when the day never gets a respite, like you are describing. What I have found is that when I *tell* myself over and over "I need to sleep!! I need to sleep!! I need to sleep!!", I amp myself up and feel like life is out of control. It is a scary, overwhelmed, vulnerable feeling. However, the reality is that I can survive a day or few with limited actual sleep IF I don't expend my energy on emotional intensity, EAT PROTEIN, drink 6+ glasses of water and get to close my eyes for 15 minutes, somewhere in there while ds is occupied safely. And IF I do those things, my actual experience of going without sleep doesn't feel as disempowering. I have learned there ARE things I can do to feel refreshed; but sometimes, it just seems more "natural" (learned) to just feel angry that ds isn't sleeping.

Me amping up certainly doesn't calm ds down to a relaxed and drowsy state. : So, I am my worst enemy if I am upset that he won't sleep. Instead, if my self-talk is 'I am awake, eat some protein and drink some water, and get ds settled, then I can lay down', I feel much saner, despite not having slept as much as normal. I really can function without my normal sleep for a few days, if I have been taking care of myself as a rule. My needs for sleep (and ability to be patient) are directly related to my self-care. Staying up after ds goes to bed (did it last night myself) is a recipe for getting burned out and drained, if I do it too often, especially since I haven't eaten any protein this morning either.

We have a little tv in ds's room, I can lay down there if he is awake. Is there a way that you can create a little playarea in the sleeping room, while you are laying down and resting? Barricade the door, so that she is contained with you and just know that the 15 minutes here and there are going to be enough WITH going to bed early with her that night. Just break it down into this moment and this day, without telling yourslef "I AM NEVER GOING TO GET TO SLEEP!". Because, you will. And I do. But, how I get through those days and nights with my energy protected, my sanity (nearly) intact and some degree of patience is to focus on 'I will sleep later'.

HTH, Pat

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#604 of 1766 Old 01-18-2007, 11:40 PM
 
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maria, have you tried pushing her bedtime a bit later? my son doesn't crash till like 10-1030 most nights, but he sleeps straight through the night until 8-830am. also, i wonder if something herbal could help her to stay asleep once she's down. i think melatonin is best for regulating sleep cycles and the effects are quite mild. please check with an herbalist or naturopath first, though, because i'm not sure if it's safe for children. for my own son i've used sleepytime tea (with valerian), as well as a few different children's tinctures, containing chamomile, skullcap, hops, catnip, et cetera. his problem usually lies with not being able to chill out enough to get to sleep, though, not staying asleep.

hope this helps! i'm always a mess if i don't get at least 7 hours minimum.

I wanted to second both of these points. Maybe try to push her bedtime a bit later. I know that as my DS has gotten older, his bedtimes have fluctuated within about an hours worth of cushion on both sides. Lately, he's been going to bed around 7:30, when during this past summer and autumn it was about 8:30 pm. Maybe it's the change in the seasons...maybe she's going through or about to go through a huge milestone. Would maybe gently nudging her bedtime, over the course of several days, inching UP to an hour later be too dramatic for her? I offer you my greatest reverence and compassion, mama. I am confident that you will get back on schedule swiftly, and I hope you get the rest you need very soon.

I've also discovered the teas (Sleepytime, and Sleepytime EXTRA..lol, we call them the Teddy Bear Teas) and i've also used Valerian. Again, also, with my DS, the problem lies within being able to relax enough to get to sleep, not with staying asleep. Our nightly ritual consists of a cup of teddy bear tea (or warm milk if he doesn't want tea), three books/stories, and a lullaby.

I also want to say I think it is wonderful that you two continue to share nursing and cosleeping. Brava, mama.

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#605 of 1766 Old 01-19-2007, 12:02 AM
 
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Thanks for the wise and kind responses to my desperation last night! I do think the earlier bedtime is part of the problem. She was really tired yesterday afternoon so I pushed her bedtime about half an hour earlier, and I think by the time I was going to bed last night she woke up feeling like she'd had a really restful nap and was raring to go. I'm going to avoid the early bedtimes from now on.

I have tried valerian for kids, and Calms Forté for kids, with some success in getting her to sleep when she's having trouble at the start of the night, less success in the middle.

I'm afraid I'm too sleepy now to coherently respond to what you guys brought up, but I really appreciate it. The part about drinking a glass of water is a great one. I will absolutely do that next time. I am pretty good about the protein and the eating –*not that I don't lose track of it sometimes, but for the most part I'm ok on that score.

I don't see how I can go to sleep when dd goes to sleep; it seems there is so much that I cannot accomplish during the day, while she's awake. Also, it feels like I really really NEED that alone time after she is sleeping. I am aware that if I were getting more sleep that need might diminish, so it's a bit of a catch-22 maybe. But there is some personal time that I can't really do without. Maybe I can try to shift things enough to go to sleep with her (or close to it) and wake up before her in the mornings. That would be a real shift!

Anyway, thank you all so much for being her and for your support and suggestions. I'm going to try and get some sleep tonight!
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#606 of 1766 Old 01-19-2007, 12:58 AM
 
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I don't see how I can go to sleep when dd goes to sleep; it seems there is so much that I cannot accomplish during the day, while she's awake. Also, it feels like I really really NEED that alone time after she is sleeping. I am aware that if I were getting more sleep that need might diminish, so it's a bit of a catch-22 maybe. But there is some personal time that I can't really do without. Maybe I can try to shift things enough to go to sleep with her (or close to it) and wake up before her in the mornings. That would be a real shift!
I understand the peace and quiet in the house is intoxicating and difficult to resist enjoying. (as I am heading to bed 2 hours after ds fell asleep, again tonight myself But, if you could plan which days help the most to get enough sleep (like Sunday night before returning to work, or Friday night before the weekend) and plan on doing an early bedtime for yourself those nights, when she goes to bed. So, it isn't all or nothing. Knowing, I have set time coming up for "me time" helps get through those longer days when ds seems to never run out of energy before me. And/or, consider which days you most need the "me time". Mid week, say a late night on the computer on Wednesday and Saturday for catching up with yourself. (I think I'll try this myself. )

Goodnight. Sweet dreams ladies.

Pat

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#607 of 1766 Old 01-20-2007, 12:17 AM
 
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if you could plan which days help the most to get enough sleep … and plan on doing an early bedtime for yourself those nights, when she goes to bed. So, it isn't all or nothing. Knowing, I have set time coming up for "me time" helps get through those longer days when ds seems to never run out of energy before me. And/or, consider which days you most need the "me time". Mid week, say a late night on the computer on Wednesday and Saturday for catching up with yourself. (I think I'll try this myself. )

Goodnight. Sweet dreams ladies.

Pat
Thank you so much! Of course, my black & white thinking self would never come up with such a brilliantly simple and obvious way to meet all those needs. I will absolutely try to follow this plan. I would also like to try to start getting myself up before dd in the morning if at all possible. I know
from the few times this has happened accidentally how much difference it makes to be able to wake up, brush teeth, drink my morning chai in peace and calm. And maybe I could even get some stuff done so my nights don't feel so pressured. I'm hoping that pushing dd's bedtime slightly later might help with this too, especially if I don't push mine later as well.

I love you mamas for your supportive words. Thanks.
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#608 of 1766 Old 01-20-2007, 08:13 PM
 
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maria, I just wanted to add that, if you have time () there's a great book called Sleepless In America that has lots of information about how kids sleep, along with gentle and effective ideas for helping kids get more, better sleep. I found some ideas in there that helped me help my kids, which in turn helped me get more rest.
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#609 of 1766 Old 01-20-2007, 09:12 PM
 
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I haven't read all the posts. I made it to the first one Red wrote. I think you all make a lot of sense and it's very helpful to read that other moms understand how I feel sometimes.

~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#610 of 1766 Old 01-20-2007, 11:12 PM
 
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I have read the first 100 posts, and just wanted to add how much this thread is helping me. I feel much better just knowing that I am not alone. It seems that I cant keep up with my own standards, dh doesnt mind the house being filthy (no matter how many times I point out that "when the kitchen is piled up, I cant cook and then I feel lousy for not making a nutritious meal and then the high chair needs cleaned but i cant get to the sink and.......you get the idea) so he is no help, and dd1 is just needing some attention w/ all these babies around taking her mommy and i HATE when she roars at the baby "LEXI, STOP!" bc I know thats how I treat her sometimes. DH will probably never understand gentle disipline, so of course my daughters will be raised in a lopsided house, and seems like it would be so much easier to just do things like he does. Yell, grab, snatch, and IMO act like a 3 year old forever.

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#611 of 1766 Old 01-21-2007, 12:20 AM
 
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maria, do you have a diaper on your dd at night? the most common reason my kids wake and have a harder time getting back to sleep is needing to pee.

and i'm not sure how early you are putting her to bed, and i doubt this relates to you,
but for my kids, a later bedtime does not mean sleeping in. i had to learn the hard way that they had to be put to bed at the right time for them....round 8-9. my eldest will pop up at 6 ready to go no matter what.
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#612 of 1766 Old 01-22-2007, 01:30 AM
 
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maria, do you have a diaper on your dd at night? the most common reason my kids wake and have a harder time getting back to sleep is needing to pee.

and i'm not sure how early you are putting her to bed, and i doubt this relates to you,
but for my kids, a later bedtime does not mean sleeping in. i had to learn the hard way that they had to be put to bed at the right time for them....round 8-9. my eldest will pop up at 6 ready to go no matter what.
She does wear a diaper at night (and we've taken a step backwards in that department during the day too, but I'm not too worried about it*–*part of the process, I assume –*and anyway, this isn't the place for that conversation… ), but thanks for the thought. I will keep that in mind when we get to that stage, as I'm sure it'll be helpful information then.

She generally does not wake up too early in the morning, and honestly I wouldn't mind too much if she did get up earlier, if it also meant an earlier bedtime. I've been doing bedtime 1/2 hour or so later this week, and so far it seems to be making the difference in the midnight wakings. Knock on wood, or perform your superstitious ritual of choice.

I was proud of myself tonight, because as a result of an early evening (!) nap in the car tonight, dd had a hard time falling asleep when she went to bed tonight. I was lying with her and she was not going to sleep, not going to sleep… and I remained calm and content. I concentrated on listening to the sleepy music I had playing, and thought about how comfortable the bed was and how blessed and lucky I felt to have my wonderful daughter, and lo and behold, she fell asleep after about half an hour.

Admittedly she was pretty wiped out, even with the nap, and she didn't fight it too hard. But I'll take my proud moments where I can get them. And I like to imagine that my sense of serenity and joy transmitted to her and created a better atmosphere for sleep than the frustration and impatience I sometimes feel at those times.
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#613 of 1766 Old 01-22-2007, 04:08 PM
 
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And I like to imagine that my sense of serenity and joy transmitted to her and created a better atmosphere for sleep than the frustration and impatience I sometimes feel at those times.
I totally find this happens for us too. I'll even imagine a white light surrounding us and enclosing only positive energy. I'll sing ds's lullabye in my head, if he doesn't want me to sing, and the ritual of it is soothing to me. Another key to relaxation is to not clench my jaw. By placing the tip of my tongue touching the roof of my mouth, I can't clench and I am much more relaxed. I also try to relax my face, forehead, mouth, eyes, and neck sequentially. The process of actively and consciously relaxing my face/jaw helps me to release the tension in my body when lying there W-A-I-T-I-N-G for ds to fall asleep. Sometimes, I even fall asleep.

HTH, Pat

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#614 of 1766 Old 01-26-2007, 02:13 AM
 
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well, i truly learned it after i happenned to have to tell my kids over and over:
WE GO TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. IT WILL HAPPEN.
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#615 of 1766 Old 01-29-2007, 10:10 PM
 
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Hope you don't mind me jumping in here...mostly I read and lurk and occassionally post here and there. I have been reading this thread until my eyes literally twitch (since Xmas...am on Page 24 now--phew!). I just wanted to post something before reading on. There is so much here I can relate to. Thank you so much all for being so honest. Your stories are inspiring, with their very real ups and downs.

I had in some ways a very enriched and lovely childhood with lots of love, but in other ways there were dark, abusive, and very damaging times. I have anxiety/panic and depression problems because of them (also genetics too). So many times since dd was born (she's now 20 mos.) I had real problems with rage, literally shaking with frustration, screaming, and anger. The hardest was in the first year when I was home full time with no creative outlet, no intellectual stimulation, a baby who cried all the time and always wanted to be held... I slung her 24/7 and co-slept and it seemed like nothing was enough for her. I did all the AP stuff that was supposed to make her the happiest baby on the block, but it didn't. She just cried and cried and I thought if I just did things right then she wouldn't cry. Today she is still an intense lovely happy toddler and I think she is just sensitive, like me.

Since going back to work I'm sooooooo much happier. Since having more sleep I'm soooo much happier. But it's still hard. When I have days off and take care of her (like 4 days in a row) I'm already starting to get the rage again. All that relentless need (her and the two cats who trail me constantly), and my needs being pushed back and back and back.

I can really relate to the mindfulness meditation as a daily practice and it's usefulness. But sometimes it's just so mind-numbing I feel like I'm disappearing.

What makes it so hard is also is that at work I either am working with near-retirees, or young twenty-somethings who are going out, pursuing their hobbies, etc., like I used to just before dd was born. And now I work FT, come home, do babycare, cook and clean, and am usually too freakin' exhausted to exercise or dance or do what I love the most. I feel bitter and disillusioned and angry.......THIS is what motherhood is about? Okay, I'm sounding too negative here, there are definitely moments and times that I love and I do love my daughter. It's just so hard sometimes.

I appreciate this thread. I appreciate reading that other people have strong physical reactions to things that happen with their innocent little babes. My history of abuse, incl. sometimes being physically trapped while being emotionally/mentally/physically abused...and sometimes boy, I have to really stop myself from reacting with an intense fling of the arm or something, to protect myself. It's not my dd's fault that these things happened to me, and they're out of proportion with the appropriate response for the situation. I have already done YEARS of therapy that were very helpful. But come on, this stuff is still in there. What am I supposed to do? I'm doing the best I can.

Anyway, this is all for now. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts and for sharing yours with me. I hope my daughter has a less traumatic childhood than I did (and I know she will because we do not hit, and she doesn't have to listen to r*pe, etc.) BUT sadly, I expect that my occassional difficulties with managing anger WILL leave a mark on her. I just hope she learns more from my mistakes and learns to manage her feelings better than I do.

I have comes LEAPS AND BOUNDS over what I used to be like (esp. as a teen) but sometimes it's hard to tame the dragon. It's worthwhile though, and I do it, I am constantly working on it.

Thanks for all the great info and support here. Sorry to be so long winded!

Peace!

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#616 of 1766 Old 01-29-2007, 11:49 PM
 
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Emese'sMom,

You ARE doing it. The cycle of abuse is broken. It is ok not to be perfect. None of us are.

I have been so touched by this song today, I am sharing it everywhere. But, it really is about accepting that you are *exactly where you need to be*. It is uplifting, inspirational and mesmerizing. We are going to hear the artist locally next month!! It is called "I Am Exactly Where I Need To Be".

http://www.myspace.com/amysteinberg


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#617 of 1766 Old 01-30-2007, 12:10 AM
 
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I have comes LEAPS AND BOUNDS over what I used to be like (esp. as a teen) but sometimes it's hard to tame the dragon. It's worthwhile though, and I do it, I am constantly working on it.


you hit the nail on the head. every time i get bogged down in the everyday BS i try to remember to take a look back and recognize my progress. it's not always easy, but it helps us go a little easier on ourselves.
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#618 of 1766 Old 01-31-2007, 04:21 PM
 
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This is the same concept of acceptance that Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of in his book Peace Is Every Step. It helped me make peace with my upbringing and showed me a glimpse of living in the moment, instead of in the past with regrets and anger, or with worry and rumination for the future. It helped me disolve the "shoulds" in my head (spoken with my mother's voice). $5 used on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-St.../dp/0553351397 Changed my whole view of my life, past, present and future.

Pat
Pat, are you familiar with the book, "Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn? (Now that I'm looking at the cover, I see the preface was written by Thich Nhat Hanh ). I was going to ask if you had ever read it (mine is completely dog eared and book-marked from my coping-with-anxiety heyday). If it's similar then I won't bother to get the book. Just wondered if you knew. Full Catastrophe is all about mindfulness meditation as well.

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#619 of 1766 Old 02-01-2007, 08:08 PM
 
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Sorry for butting in here, I'm really new to these boards. I've found a ton of posts here that I can really relate too, but nothing that I really go "yes, that's ME!" about. I'm sorry if someone has already posted about this, but I haven't had time to read ALL the other posts. I have terrible feelings of rage that come and go. I don't know why exactly. My mom has some real issues and although she never abused me or my older brother, I have seen her just completely loose it before. I know she has a lot of emotional issues and old unresolved problems but I don't really know many of the details. I hate to say this, but I don't even really like her very much anymore. She hates DH all because of some stupid misunderstandings and some things that I wasn't able to explain properly to her. Now it's gotten to the point where she's formed her own ideas and opinions and won't listen when I try to tell her how things really are. She went into a rage at him at Christmas 04 and we've had a couple of confrontations since, but for the most part, I call her regularly and talk about the kids and listen to what she has to say, but I only do it because I feel obligated and because I know she'll get her feelings hurt if I don't call often enough. It's such a strain on me. I feel like we'll never all be able to have a good relationship because she's so unstable and unable to to forgive and forget or listen to reason and believe the things I say. Ok, so that's reason number one that I feel tense and angry often. Here's reason number two: I got married when I was nineteen, had my son when I was twenty and had my daughter (she was unplanned and my body was SOOO not ready for another very difficult pregnancy) shortly after I turned 22. I get so angry at my kids sometimes and really really resent them sometimes because I didn't finish college. I wanted to have a baby and the pregnancy was so difficult that I couldn't take classes and after the birth I was so weak and sick for a long time that I couldn't start up again. I took a few classes, but just when I felt like I was ready to really get into it, I found out I was pregnant again. I went through another hard pregnancy and now here I am with two kids and no degree. I know it really doesn't seem like a big deal but going to college was really important to me and I feel like it'll never get done now. I don't want to wait till I'm 40 and done having kids to go back. I guess the most important thing about it though is that I wish that I had been able to have the regular no worries but grades and having time with friends experience. I feel like I missed out on something. I feel like I missed out on "me" time. I feel like I was never able to learn how to be an adult and take care of myself not to mention taking care of two babies a husband and a house all by myself. I really love DH, he's amazing, he forgives me without question everytime I let my rage take control and yell at him and he's always so encouraging, but I've also let that feeling of not having had "me" time make me angry at him. Like it's his fault that I wanted to get married and have a baby when I was nineteen! I thought I was ready and I wasn't. I feel so terrible when I yell at my son or when I have those angry feelings but I just don't know how to make them go away. I don't know how to just feel good about myself and my situation. DH and I have talked about having me see someone but I just can't talk about it without crying and turning into a mess; I'm SOOO shy and so afraid of talking to people I don't know. I can't get things out right when I'm feeling pressured or afraid (this post is proof, I'm sure it doesn't make much sense and when I re-read it, I've gotten out some of my feelings but not all of them). Thanks so much for listening, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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#620 of 1766 Old 02-01-2007, 11:36 PM
 
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Feeling frustration at not meeting your dreams and goals...I can relate. I think what helped was just some time, dd becoming a wee bit more independent, and doing a bit more for me. Could you even take one course, if not a part-time courseload, for example? Would it be possible to sit down with dh and map out different scenerios (brainstorm diff. possibilities, no matter how ridiculous they seem) and see what might be doable? Are you in a position financially to get some help with the kids (maybe daycare PT) so you can take a class or two?

I found that it took time to adjust the sense of who I used to be and adapt to being a mom NOW. Sometimes I felt very resentful, but I would remind myself, "this baby didn't ask to be born, I wanted her." Some others have prev. posted about mindfulness, accepting being where you are right now, taking moments in the day to really be present, to enjoy a moment of joy on your children's faces, to feel the sun on your brow, to really be present and focussed on your child when they are crying. I found this helped me get through the rough moments and I also remind myself, "this will pass..." (feeling low, angry, or stressed).

I am sorry you have such a frustrating, stressful relationship with your mother. I hope you give counselling another thought. It is useful to 'shop around' and try a couple of counsellors, seeing if your connection is right. Perhaps it would help to have another perspective and help you process your anger.

It's good to hear that dh is supportive. How is your self-care these days? Are you sleeping semi-decent (haha), eating nutritiously, taking any supplements? Are you able to get a walk in the sun on a regular basis?

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#621 of 1766 Old 02-02-2007, 12:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Emese'sMom View Post
Pat, are you familiar with the book, "Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn? (Now that I'm looking at the cover, I see the preface was written by Thich Nhat Hanh ). I was going to ask if you had ever read it (mine is completely dog eared and book-marked from my coping-with-anxiety heyday). If it's similar then I won't bother to get the book. Just wondered if you knew. Full Catastrophe is all about mindfulness meditation as well.
I am not familiar with that book, but am with the author. Jon Kabat-Zinn is inspirational, imo. And there is something simple and practical about Thich Nhat Hanh's writing that helped me to place the past in perspective, without demanding "forgiveness", and without denying my feelings about it. There is something empowering in his writing about the choice to *be peace*. I believe it is available at the library also.

Pat

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#622 of 1766 Old 02-03-2007, 01:52 PM
 
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Hi everyone,

I'm going to jump in here. I've skimmed some of the pages but obviously don't have time in one sitting to read the entire thread-lol!

I've recently posted in the GD forum under "I think I may need help". I'm having problems with rage (always have) with my kids. A few days back it got out of control and for the first time, I laid a hand on my youngest child. (15 months old.) It really scared the crap out of me. It's been a long time since I've been physical with my children, but that doesn't mean The Rage has ever been under control. I've said terrible things to my babies and have hurt them with my words.

I'm glad to have found this thread for support and info/resources to get help for my anger.

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#623 of 1766 Old 02-03-2007, 02:24 PM
 
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Kristin, two things. It sounds like you don't feel like you had a chance to create a "me" before you became a mama and all the demands that entails. I know that I felt that I needed to go to college for my own self-esteem. I had been told for so many years that 'you need a college degree to be successful', that I had begun to believe that I wasn't "anybody" until I was "educated". Interestingly, after earning the degree as an adult, I realized how much I was learning without school and how much more I knew from my adult experiences that the younger students didn't know. Things like not getting all worked up about grades, and not worrying what the teacher thought; I had become more self-confident along the way by living as a responsible adult. So, the degree was a goal, but it really didn't give me what I thought it would. I had earned my confidence along the way through living. Now, we have chosen to unschool our son, precisely because we are aware that we ARE learning all the time and do not need someone with "credentials" to teach us about life and learning. We are living it; and Life teaches us without the judgment and artificial environment that school encompasses.

So, I am not denying your desire for an education, but you can begin finding ways to provide yourself with the sense of accomplishment, challenge, creativity and recognition in many arenas. I don't know what your passions are, but you might enjoy expanding those without the constraints of school. If writing, art, math, typing, business, parenting, sewing, etc., etc., are your interests, there are many ways to explore and grow within that area with additional "education" that is fun and rewarding. Or consider taking some on-line courses, or night courses, or CLEP some classes, or teach some classes in areas of your own skills and interests. Or start a small home business. There is no way not to be learning and challenged owning your own business. Begin reading everything and anything that is related to your passions, you will learn and grow much faster than in a classroom setting, imo. Consider getting the syllabus from the classes in which you are interested. Contact the professor and buy the books and read them on your own. You'll be head and shoulders ahead when you actually take the class. Anyway, there are many ways to get an education and a sense of accomplishment.

Another thing to consider is if you have PPD. Here is a private on-line quiz. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=201141 And here is a thread about natural remedies for PPD. Often, our nutritional and mineral supplements are out of whack from pregnancy and birth and that influences the out-of-balance feeling of our moods. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=bach

Another issues is if you are an extrovert, you may need more social interaction than you are getting at home. I am and I do. I created playgroups, invited anyone with a child within 5 years of ours to come to visit. This helped my sanity more than anything else. Dh didn't understand, because he is an introvert and was out working with people all day. So, at the end of the day, he wasn't able to help meet my needs for intellectual stimulation either. Thankfully, there are on-line communities like this one.


Best wishes, Pat

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#624 of 1766 Old 02-05-2007, 02:18 PM
 
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Hey, I loved this Note from the Universe that I received today:

"There's nothing you're "supposed" to be doing with your life. No one is judged based upon how much turf they cover, how many mountains they climb, or how many deals they close. And because even one small drop from the sea, is as infinite as all of the oceans combined."

You can sign up to receive a personal note from the Universe. They are insightful, inspirational and free. :-) http://www.tut.com/

Pat

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#625 of 1766 Old 02-05-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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i like scott noelle's daily groove, a free daily email. here's the archives.

http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove
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#626 of 1766 Old 02-06-2007, 01:42 AM
 
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Not such a great day here, I'm afraid. Menstrual mood difficulties and tiredness made me irritable and depressed today, as well as the fact that I didn't get to have an actual conversation with another adult. I yelled several times today, and didn't even feel that guilty about it, which I took as not a good sign. :

I got SO SICK of making nutritious and delicious food that gets refused, even when it's what dd asked for. I know she's 3 and she's being perfectly 3, but the wailing and crying about apples and peanut butter, and the absolute turndown of a lunch that she said she wanted before I went to the trouble of making it… *I don't have enough money to throw away perfectly good food at every meal, even if I didn't feel morally awful about it.

Ugh, I'm tired. I need to go to bed, but I needed to vent a bit first, I guess.
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#627 of 1766 Old 02-06-2007, 11:56 AM
 
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[QUOTE=mariamaroo;7222463]I got SO SICK of making nutritious and delicious food that gets refused, even when it's what dd asked for. I know she's 3 and she's being perfectly 3,...*I don't have enough money to throw away perfectly good food at every meal[QUOTE]

I can so relate, this is often what gets me too. : Sometimes I have to tell that Judging Pair of Eyes Looking Over My Shoulder That Say SHE SHOULD EAT IT that you know, it IS a waste, so I'll eat it, or put it away and she'll eat later..... Or remind myself that she's just being a toddler. It can be very discouraging when you're working so hard to be a good giving nourishing nurturing mama and your babe seems to 'take it for granted'! But then I remind myself too that she does love me, she's just immature and a baby for goodness sakes!

Hope you have a chance to get some rest and outer stimulation. Any chance of being around other adults soon? Are you taking any supplements like Omega's or Primrose oil for the PMS, multi's, B vit?

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#628 of 1766 Old 02-06-2007, 11:51 PM
 
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Are you taking any supplements like Omega's or Primrose oil for the PMS, multi's, B vit?
I had been taking EPO for the PMS before I got pregnant, and I LOVED it, but after pregnancy I had some weird effects from it: dizziness, nausea, weird stuff. So I didn't take it for a long time, but I've just started trying it again, and it doesn't seem to be doing anything strange, so I'm definitely going to stay with it. I'm still nursing so I take a good prenatal but otherwise I'm not great on the supplements. I'll have to work on that…

Thanks!
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#629 of 1766 Old 02-10-2007, 12:11 AM
 
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Wow..what an honest thread..this is great !

I do not have kids yet ( June 5th) but I am SO scared of how I will deal with my anger when my child is born. I was not raised in a house that dealt with this emotion in a healthy way..and I have a tendency to not as well.

Part of me keeps thinking..well..it will be different with my child, I will not get as angry because they are my child, and some instinctual mothering thing will prevent me from losing it. Instead I will smile sweetly and respond with calmness.

From what I am reading here I am strating to think it doesnt quite work that way..

So, my question..is there anything I can do to prepare myself for this ?? Any books, resources, reccomendations, thoughts about how to deal with this before hand ??
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#630 of 1766 Old 02-10-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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what a wonderful thread! i'm so glad this is here. i've been reading to see what i can learn from everyone. i don't have rage myself, but my dh does. it's not too often, maybe once or twice a month, but it's still very hurtful. it's never directed at dd, just me...

i just dont know where it comes from? we cant talk about anything in our relationship. i've pretty much shut myself off from him. lately, i've felt like a hermit crab and if i even so much as expose the smallest part of myself, i'll just get pounded again. hence, i dont want to share or be vulnerable or show any emotion--because i dont want to get hurt, AGAIN. DH isnt physically abusive, but it's taking a toll on me physically. i get nauseaus when he yells and screams at me. the dog usually throws up too. then i cry, dd cries, and he gets more enraged. we have a hole in one bedroom door, a shattered phone, shattered remote control and a very broken kitchen drawer.

i love my dh, but i'm so hurt by his actions, i've considered leaving. i dont want dd to grow up like this thinking it's okay for her mom or her to be treated like this.

does anyone know what i can do to help him?

i know this wasn't the most appropriate place to post this, but i've asked questions in other threads and didn't know if anyone else could help.

i really have empathy for anyone dealing with this...i hope you find the peace and calming in your life that you need

thanks,
danielle
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