Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
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Am I too late to join this discussion? Just today I had an uncomfortable friend epiphany, which has been happening A LOT since I got pg with my now 13 month old DD.
(I'm Sag with Capricorn moon and a full throttle Scorp mother, who happens to be dead now, so I know what you mean about that.)
I am feeling (or am I in fact) so alone and without real friends. I'm sure it has something to do with me being a hard person to assimilate into a group and I do not do the popularity thing well at all. I am sure I have failed to nurture friendships along the way, properly, and I may have harmed them in my selfishness along the way.
Anyway, I found out I was pregnant, very unexpectedly, about 2 years ago. At that time my best friend, a guy, of 17 years (I know the number means little) was engaged to marry a woman who I thought was my friend and who had been trying to get pg too. They are 40 and she was ticking like mad but they weren't getting pg. I flipped out because I was pg alone and dd's father was a real problem at that time. It was a tough, hormonal time for me and I leaned on my friend for support, which he was not giving me at all. He shut the door in my face and wouldn't even talk to me and I was so alone. And I had always had issues about taking proper care of myself, making enough money to care for myself properly, though I've always worked hard I never made a lot of money, so I was afraid of how I would support the new little one with no help. I desperately needed to talk to someone and my friend disappeared emotionally.
My friend's fiancee (the girl I thought was my friend) got threatened when I was pg and she wasn't , yet. then, my friend's mother, who I'd also been close to for 17 years, threw me out of their wedding because the future DIL was threatenedby my being pregnant and was complaining to her. My best friend did nothing, would not speak to me, would not stand up and say that i was his friend and I was still part of their wedding. This started a long period of estrangement where they got pg, got married and had their baby. I had my baby alone during this itme. I have no family who are alive and I actually took a cab home from the hospital with my baby after an emergency c-section. No one came to see her when she was born. What "friends" I had had flown the coop when i got pg. Being around a single mom just wasn't their style.
Time went by and when my baby was about 4 months old I started emailing my friend, the guy, saying we didn't have to be friends but that I really wanted him to see my little baby and to see his baby boy who had just beenborn. it took awhile because he wouldn't talk to me still. In married life he decided he had to defer everything to his wife which I know many people do. Eventually it was my friend's 40th birthday and the wife called me, which was hard to face, but I kept all my hard feelings to myself and accepted the invite to his party, where we all saw each other's babies and where the mother continued to hate me. She still dislikes me and doesn't want me around and treats my baby with indifference whne we are around.
So cut to today. We went to a mutual friend's wake for her grandmother. (a 3rd party girlfriend) this mutual friend also has a baby around my child's age. I have known this mutual friend for 15 years and the new wife has known her for 3, since she met my friend who she married. I looked through a little album of my girlfriend's baby shower that i wasn't invited to because I was ex-communicated by our other friend and his family at that ime and it really hurt me. there was this new wife and the mother who used to be my friend who still hates me, and my best friend all there at the shower and I couldn't come (my baby was 6 months old by then) because they had kicked me to the curb.
I guess the bottom line is that it hurts, these people (without the new wife) had been my family in essence. We'd spent all the holidays together, and so much more it would take a novel to write here, and they just cut me like that at my greatest time of need. Our friend had written in her baby shower scrap book how the mother (of my best friend) had given her $100 for her baby shower. It hurt me a lot, I don't think because of the money, but because this woman had shown 0 support for my baby or me and we are alone and obviously in a position where any kind of even moral support would make all the difference in the world.
Me and the old girlfriend (who had the wake) and my friend's wife all kind of hang around sometimes with the babies, etc. My friend's wife did buy my dd a crib and offers on occassion to watch her when I need to run out for a quick job here and there, so it's not like she is still cold to me. But the two make it clear that they are friends before I can ever be included. They do their married stuff together and I get left out. Today at the wake I felt like they were all distancing from me and i left early becaue I felt shut out. The only comfort I had was on the way home in the car I could feel the pressence of the departed grandmother with us. there was a song on the radio and she was there with us.
I feel very lonely, I feel punished, I feel a little sad for my daughter, wondering if my lack of real friendships will make her have a lonely life while the kids of these other two friends get to have it all.
I have lost so many "friends in the past 2 years since I got pregnant. All of my girlfriends down to the very last one.
I don't think there is a question here. I guess I am just telling my story and feeling pain over it. When I was younger I never thought my life would be this way.