I understand. You are afraid. And, that is understandable. You have a child that has only you, and you fear that if something should happen to you, she will be alone. So, you cling to ppl (ppl who are pushing you away), to offer her some sort of familiarity and footing in life. Is this correct? B/c that's what I'm reading.
Honey, I have no family, either. I am alone. Luckily, my kid's father and his family are involved in their lives (but I don't want them to raise my kids if I die, so what does that mean for future issues? I don't know...). That's not your situation. I understand that.
Have you tried reading your posts here to yourself out-loud? I think you are in the middle of an emotionally horrible situation and maybe don't see the fear you're conveying here. I think all of us just want what's best for you.
What would happen if you died? If those ppl are all you have, all your dd has, and they don't treat you well, how are you better off having them in your life?
Decisions made from a place of fear can be detrimental.
|I don't think you understand that as a single mother I do not have the freedom orthe money to bop around town when ever I want making new friends.
I misunderstand. I thought you stayed w/your dd all day? Even if you don't, the library can be fun for both of you if you like books and reading. I know LA is expensive, but is it possible for you to take the bus to the library or park?
|I also don't think you see that if I cut myself off from the only people I have a friendship with right now I am putting my daughter in a position of alienation.
But, if these "friends" are shunning you, isn't she in a position of alienation already? She's a small child, right? Her mother's happiness is more important in her development than toddler friends. Play-mates are nice, but not necessary at this age.
|Do you understand I already spent a year alone because of what happened and I know first hand what it's like?
Are you trying to tell us that you're afraid to be alone? You were born alone, and you'll die alone. It's best, IMO, to come to terms w/alone. If you don't want to be alone w/yourself, why would anyone else want to be alone w/you?
|You make the alternative seem like it's desirable
Of course it's not. Re-read my OP. I am quite aware that being friendless is not desireable. The question is: is it easier to be
friendless or just feel
friendless? For me, having friends that suck is waaaay worse than having no friends. I recognize, though, that you are not me. It seems that you are very afraid of being alone. But, you are
Your post reminds me of how I felt about my mother. I was afraid to let her go, even tho she treated me like crap's crap, b/c she was all I had. But, when I really thought about it, I didn't even have her, so what was I holding onto? The wishes and dreams of a little girl. I was keeping her in my life with the hope
that she would change and become this wonderful, loving mother that I could count on no matter what. But, she never did. And, I decided to stop being afraid of what ppl would think of a daughter who didn't talk to her mother anymore. I decided to stop worrying that my kids wouldn't have their maternal grandmother in their lives. I decided to stop worrying that I would officially be alone in the world. Because, I was already alone. I was already being judged. And, I didn't want my kids to think that it's okay to be so mean to ppl.
If you ever want to chat more, e-mail me
. I know this is a personal, harsh thing you're going thru.
But, I understand. Totally. Honey, when my ds1 was born, I called my mother (I just wanted someone in my family to know and maybe be happy for me). I told her, "He's so cute!" (I was in awe that anything that beautiful could come out of me, ya know?) My mother responded, "Everyone thinks that about their baby." I was so hurt...it still hurts. I invited her to take away some of the beauty of that event, and that still irks me about myself.
*ack* Love, sister. It's what we've got to cling to. Love.