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Old 03-11-2003, 11:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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oatmeal, maybe the lesson here is that you deserve more in this life than ppl that can be so easily swayed from you. Maybe you need to stop worrying about having a "family", and be your own best friend/mom/sister/whatever. Maybe you're supposed to just concentrate on you and your dd right now, and that's why you have been alone so much lately.

I've learned that lessons keep getting thrust upon me until I actually learn from and accept them. And, I guess the situations still present themselves after I learn how to deal with and handle them, but since I've learned, they aren't as big a deal anymore.

If you believe you can't, you can't. If you tell yourself you won't, you won't.

You are your decisions. Decide to move on, and you will. Decide to make new friends, and you will. Sure, you won't have 13 years of history, but that can be a good thing. Sometimes, it's good to outgrow certain relationships, b/c we keep acting the same as long as we're in them. Like how grown ppl start acting like little kids when they get around their parents and/or siblings.

Look at this as an opportunity to grow into a better you, instead of a loss. And, remember...sometimes, we view relationships completely different than the other ppl in them. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but you shouldn't allow others so much power that you're a complete mess when they make life decisions that don't include you. I know you're hurt. He knows you're hurt. She knows you're hurt.

Time for the next step.

(am I being too harsh and possibly insensitive, here? it's not my intent, if I am. I just truly feel that you need to accept what's been offered and move on. I feel that there has got to be something waiting for you on the other side of this pain and loss that's way better than what you thought you had before. You are enough for you. You are enough for your dd. You are Enough.)
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Old 03-11-2003, 01:22 PM
 
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Chaka Falls, that was beautfully spoken!

I just want to add that I also was alone here and didnt have any friends. It was really hard to put myself out there, but I HAD to. I started my own moms group and have met some amazing women who are becoming my friends. Some arent married. I can tell you as a previous single mother (my first ds is now 25) I know how you feel about feeling ostracised or different than other moms, but you owe it to yourself to make other mom friends, if only for your dd to play with and for your sanity. I would never make judgements like that on single moms, Ive been there. And the moms I know are compassionate women who support eachother. We are out there! dont settle for these people who give you nothing in return! You DO deserve better!! You have alot to give to other moms too.

Hugs to you!(((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))
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Old 03-11-2003, 01:29 PM
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Hi Chaka

I hear what you are saying but I don't think you can understand my situation.

Please understand I have no family. I have not one single person. No mom, dad, sister or brother. Understand that when you have a little baby and no support, you cannot cut yourself off from the only people you know who will still talk ot you in your single mother state.

I know these people under value me. But there is nothing I can do about it and leaving will not benefit my daughter. These people have her only playmates. If I get sick or something happens to me these people are all I have.

You can't simplify it down to, oh just go out and get new friends. I am with my baby 24/7. I do not have the liberty of just trotting out and rounding up new friends. I live In LA and the culture isn't even like that here. I am not in the movie business and I am a poor single mother, people do not line up to become friends with someone like me. I am judged every time someone I meet finds out I am a single mom with no one to help support my daughter. You get judged immediately and put on the back burner or ignored.

When it's Christmas or Thanksgiving I would be sitting here in my house alone with my daughter and she would have no one to play with. Is that fair to her? Have you ever spent Christmas alone in your house? When I was 9 months pregnant I did it and it was painful.

I understand what you are saying but you don't understand my situation. I am not making excuses to not make new friends. This is the way it is.
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Old 03-11-2003, 03:07 PM
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I DID IT!!!

I got up the courage to walk across the street and introduce myself to our neighbors(they moved in 3 months ago and I have never even said hi). Well, now I am going to be walking with her daily. It will be me/kailey, my neighbor/her two kids, her friend/her 4 kids, and my neighbors sister/her two kids!! Instant walking group and play group. I don't think these women are ideal matches for me, but it will be great to tak and be with other women. Heck we already have our kids in common, maybe there will be something more!!

WOOHOO!!!
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Old 03-11-2003, 03:33 PM
 
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hurray for you, DD! how liberating to make that stretch and have it pay off!

oatmeal, i've been following along your story and chaka's advice, which i really do think is excellent. i'm wondering, what do *you* think you should do, if chaka's advice seems an impossible step to take? i'm reading in your words, "I'm in a painful, untenable situation. i am miserable in it. but i cannot let it go and yet i cannot accept it." is that right?
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Old 03-11-2003, 04:02 PM
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Hi

I don't think you are reading the words of my last post.

I don't think you guys can perceive that I am alone. I don't think you understand that as a single mother I do not have the freedom ot the money to bop around town when ever I want making new friends.

I also don't think you see that if I cut myself off from the only people I have a friendship with right now I am putting my daughter in a position of alienation.

Why can't you see this? Do you understand I already spent a year alone because of what happened and I know first hand what it's like? Try to put yourself in my position. Envision the day you gave birth to your child and see yourself alone with no one to visit your child. No one who cared that your child had arrived. Envision yourself being wheeled down to a cab by a nurse and getting into the cab alone to go home alone with your newborn baby. Envison the cab driver having to help you out of the car becuse you can't stand alone after a c-section. Can you see this? I know what it is like to be without these people, whether they respect me or not.

I don't think you guys get it. You make the alternative seem like it's desirable, which it is not. So the suggestion I am getting to "let go" is not viable. Can you see this?
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Old 03-11-2003, 04:10 PM
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When I was 22 years old I gave birth to twins, in a hospital, alone. No visitors, nothing. The peoplewho adopted the twins came to say thank you, and then they spent there times with the twins(understandable). I saw the twins twice(wonderful). My stepmother(we don't get along) came to pick me up and dropped me off at my house withut so much as a "do you need anything?" just a goodbye.

I was friendless and alone. I didn't even have people who disrespected me as friends.

I can't imagine your situation, and won't pretend I do. I wish there was an answer to what you seek. I really do.

What do you need? Can you sort through your emotions to see what it is?

You deserve the best life has to offer you. You are a great mom doing things the best way you know how for your daughter and you deserve great credit for that, there are not many women who are as strong as you are.

I cannot offer anymore than what others have, accept that I hope you find peace.

Do you have a church family you could go to? Surround yourself with your church family, if they knew you were in such a state I bet they would help.
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Old 03-11-2003, 04:25 PM
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Quote:
It must be my fault but I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's just very hard to find others, especially mommies that mesh with our own beliefs. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it means, there is something wrong with them

Take for example, my new walking buddies. YIKES They spank, use disposables, use formula, they are fairly unintelligent-BUT- sweet ladies and funny to! Plus they want to lose weight just like me! I don't believe they will become my bossom buddies, but ya never know. This may be a great opportunity for me to branch out and be more excepting.
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Old 03-11-2003, 04:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oatmeal,

I understand. You are afraid. And, that is understandable. You have a child that has only you, and you fear that if something should happen to you, she will be alone. So, you cling to ppl (ppl who are pushing you away), to offer her some sort of familiarity and footing in life. Is this correct? B/c that's what I'm reading.

Honey, I have no family, either. I am alone. Luckily, my kid's father and his family are involved in their lives (but I don't want them to raise my kids if I die, so what does that mean for future issues? I don't know...). That's not your situation. I understand that.

Have you tried reading your posts here to yourself out-loud? I think you are in the middle of an emotionally horrible situation and maybe don't see the fear you're conveying here. I think all of us just want what's best for you.

What would happen if you died? If those ppl are all you have, all your dd has, and they don't treat you well, how are you better off having them in your life?

Decisions made from a place of fear can be detrimental.
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I don't think you understand that as a single mother I do not have the freedom orthe money to bop around town when ever I want making new friends.
I misunderstand. I thought you stayed w/your dd all day? Even if you don't, the library can be fun for both of you if you like books and reading. I know LA is expensive, but is it possible for you to take the bus to the library or park?
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I also don't think you see that if I cut myself off from the only people I have a friendship with right now I am putting my daughter in a position of alienation.
But, if these "friends" are shunning you, isn't she in a position of alienation already? She's a small child, right? Her mother's happiness is more important in her development than toddler friends. Play-mates are nice, but not necessary at this age.
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Do you understand I already spent a year alone because of what happened and I know first hand what it's like?
Are you trying to tell us that you're afraid to be alone? You were born alone, and you'll die alone. It's best, IMO, to come to terms w/alone. If you don't want to be alone w/yourself, why would anyone else want to be alone w/you?
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You make the alternative seem like it's desirable
Of course it's not. Re-read my OP. I am quite aware that being friendless is not desireable. The question is: is it easier to befriendless or just feel friendless? For me, having friends that suck is waaaay worse than having no friends. I recognize, though, that you are not me. It seems that you are very afraid of being alone. But, you are alone.

Your post reminds me of how I felt about my mother. I was afraid to let her go, even tho she treated me like crap's crap, b/c she was all I had. But, when I really thought about it, I didn't even have her, so what was I holding onto? The wishes and dreams of a little girl. I was keeping her in my life with the hope that she would change and become this wonderful, loving mother that I could count on no matter what. But, she never did. And, I decided to stop being afraid of what ppl would think of a daughter who didn't talk to her mother anymore. I decided to stop worrying that my kids wouldn't have their maternal grandmother in their lives. I decided to stop worrying that I would officially be alone in the world. Because, I was already alone. I was already being judged. And, I didn't want my kids to think that it's okay to be so mean to ppl.

If you ever want to chat more, e-mail me. I know this is a personal, harsh thing you're going thru.

But, I understand. Totally. Honey, when my ds1 was born, I called my mother (I just wanted someone in my family to know and maybe be happy for me). I told her, "He's so cute!" (I was in awe that anything that beautiful could come out of me, ya know?) My mother responded, "Everyone thinks that about their baby." I was so hurt...it still hurts. I invited her to take away some of the beauty of that event, and that still irks me about myself.

*ack* Love, sister. It's what we've got to cling to. Love.

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Old 03-11-2003, 06:29 PM
 
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oatmeal, you are right that i can't imagine what it is like to be in your situation. but i can feel the anguish in your posts and i wish i could do something for you to make it better. all i can do is this and i can sincerely hope that something changes for you in ways that break this terrible logjam in your life....
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Old 03-12-2003, 01:53 PM
 
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oatmeal, can you see that there is a group of people here rallying around you to give love and support? that we are not judjing you because you are a single mom? are you ready to believe that there ARE people like this in the world, if you will open yourself to seeing them? that no one can fully understand another's experience, but that fact does not keep them from wanting to see and perhaps help you make positive change in your life? what can we do for you? do you even WANT change? of course, you have to want it first. you have to believe it is possible. others can help, but you are the driving force in your own life.

while our experiences have been different, i assure you that i do know what it feels like to be debitated by unhappiness. from my own experience, i would reccomend counseling, and am not generally an advocate of psychiatric drugs, but they can help when you are in a rut. i know, i know, this will be very hard for you to find/afford. it will take work and searching, but there are programs where you can find cheap or free counseling- the first step i would reccomend would be to look into medi-cal. i found them very helpful. find out what they can offer. other than that, there are sliding scale counseling services. call around, dont give up if the first few dont fit your needs.

as for what is wrong with you that people dont want to be your friend, i would say, nothing, except that you are shutting out those who would be your friends. i know you dont see this. counseling can help.

your daughter doesnt need playmate now as much as she needs you. i am the child of a single mom, and i can assure you, when she reaches school/ preschool age, she wont be dependent upon you to find her friends.

luck, love and hugs to you.
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Old 03-13-2003, 02:41 AM
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I hesitate to respond to where this thread has gone with regard to me, but I feel I should try to set a few things straight. I understand that your replies may be meant to help, but I have a few points.

I know I expressed my sadness and lack of knowing what to do in my situation with my so-called friends, but the level of pitiful loser you guys have taken it to is a little much. I am not psychotic or mental over this and would never, ever, in one million ten thousand years ever dream of taking psychiatric drugs. For me and anyone I love that is not an option. Nor do I need them.

You say you know what it is to be alone like me, but you don't unless all of your biological family is dead.

Also, I said I don't have the cash flow or attractive job in the entertainment business to allow me to run around town trying to make new friends. Also, how do oyu go to someone and say, hey, let's be buddies, I have none. that would be a little weird, don't you think? I did not say we were starving and threadbare as I have perceived your answers to indicate. Because I am alone taking care of her with my own earnings does mean we are challenged with money but not poverty stricken.

It is impossible for people on the internet to know the details and intricacies of something complex that you try to explain within the confines of a paragraph. My situation does make me feel sad and lonely. I simply do not believe it is in my or my DD's best interest to cut us off from the only people I can call if I need help.
Two months ago I got a stomach flu that had swept our city and I was literally on my back and could not feed DD when she woke up in the morning. I called my friend, the guy friend who used to be my best friend and he came over and took care of her until I could sit up. When my DD sees his son they both cry out with glee to see each other. They are great playmates. Cutting her off from that is not healthy or correct, despite how they may discount me or treat me with disrespect.

So let's end this. It's getting humiliating for me, and it is very clear, though no fault of yours, that you can't understand.

Thanks.
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Old 03-13-2003, 03:10 AM
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Long shot.........but anyone participating in this thread live in Utah? Northern Utah? If so, COOL. Maybe we could be friends.

(I so don't like Utah, where I have lived all my life, but that is ANOTHER thread entirely!)

I'll tell ya' what hurts most about this situation. It's not the not having any friends. 'Cuz my life still feels full....dh, kids, co-workers, sisters, etc.

BUT what absolutely hurts is that my dh thinks less of me because I don't have any close friends.

He has tried to "set me up" with the wives of his friends, but we just don't click for some reason. Then he tells me that I "don't try" to make new friends. When I absolutely do try. I've taken things to new neighbors. I've tried to start a book club with co-workers. Etc. It just never goes anywhere.

My dd's only close friend is the son of my dh's best friend. I feel bad for her (seeing myself in her), but we try to get her into soccer and other organized things so she can play with other kids that way.

Y'all rock, by the way!!
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Old 03-13-2003, 11:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Geez, mamajulie. I don't know how I'd react to my dh if he acted like something was wrong w/me and that's why I don't have many friends. My dh is the opposite. He knows it's not me, at all! I'm particular who I befriend, b/c I spend a lot of energy on my friends. He gets disgusted when I take crap from ppl just b/c their my friends. Of course, he knows that most ppl are pretty worthless. : Did I type that out-loud?

Anyhoo, I'm not in Utah. But, Good Luck!

This thread reminded me of one of the reasons I didn't want to move from this dead town: making new friends. I swear, it took me long enough to gather the few I have! I do NOT relish the idea of starting over in a new town.
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Old 03-13-2003, 01:08 PM
 
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Im sorry Oatmeal if you feel like your feelings were discounted. No one here knows how you feel, but some of us have similar situations.

I know for me, not having friends when I moved here was awful. When I had my dd, I thought it would be easier and in some ways it has been. Yes, I go up to people, talk about our kids, and ask them if they want to meet again for a playdate. I even got brave enough to put notices up and started a moms group where I have met some great women whom I hope to have long friendships with. It never wouldve happened if I hadnt put myself out there. Its really hard for me to talk to people, but the agony and lonlieness of not having friends pushed me to do it . BUt this is me. Youre not me. But it just takes meeing one person to meet more people through that one person. I hope you get the courage to try it someday, at the park, doctors office, grocery store, wherever you might be where you see a mom and her child.

Sorry if our helpful hints were hurtful to you. THey werent meant to be.

good luck to you!
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Old 03-13-2003, 07:05 PM
 
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just in case anyone here thought that by mentioning psychiatric drugs i was implying that oatmeal was a *pitiful loser* or *mental* or *psychotic*, i would like to state for the record that i was merely reffering to my own experiences. yep, i have used antidepressants at times, and definately do not consider myself to be in any of the afore mentioned categories.

please accept my appology at having offended you, oatmeal. i have read your posts in other places and this was just one of those situations in which, after much deliberation, i felt i must speak up, even though i knew my thoughts might not go over well. if a friend comes to me with a problem, i try to keep my opinions to myself, and simply offer support and a sympathetic ear. if i see the same theme coming up again and again i feel it is only right to speak up. of course i am not there with you, i dont know exactly what goes on, i could only respond to what i thought you were expressing.

wishing you the best,
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Old 03-13-2003, 09:50 PM
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I really wasn't "offended" - perhaps a bit humiliated. But I'm in here complaining about a complex situation and you all interpreted it the best you can given the restrictive medium of the box.

No harm done. I just wanted to stop it before it got any more embarrassing - thanks!
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Old 03-14-2003, 08:47 PM
 
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This is an interesting thread- making new friendships can be a challenge, especially when you move to a new town. Maybe a new thread on the topic of friendships would be good?

Being right is not always fair, but being fair is always right
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Old 03-14-2003, 08:56 PM
 
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Monica,
I think that is a fabulous idea! Maybe you could start one? This one is already on its 6th page!
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