And now, for my update... it may become a looong post as I'll star typing straight from my thoughts/feeling (raw, Now)
I keep starting and erasing what I write, I feel a bit confused... I thought writing this down would help... So, I'm wondered again that I can (and DO) have a life growing inside me. Now, if only I didn;t feel confused about mine! Really, I seem to be functioning on two levels, on one hand refusing to belive it (hence I tell you more than a week after I Knew), on the other thinking I Am Strong, I Will Do It (have the loving family I creave for
: ???) I am afraid. I know DP is loving, but he also has Problems. I know my lack of faith in him makes things worse. He got angry at me for not wanting to "tell" (his first reaction was: "will you marry me now?" and mine "hey, this doesnt' magically remove all our problems!!!" but I didn't say it aloud) well, after a quarrel I came back and started acting like nothing happend. (but I was the one who said "I don't know if I love you enough, we can't go on like this")
I know what I want, I want to be happy, enjoy simple things, live up to my dreams, even if it hurts... I receive a message from weekly toddler activities and I KNOW that is what I want to be reading, not complaining hollowly... about my own doubts
So, how am I feeling now as regards "chiquitin" (small one, our nickname for Sofi b/f she was born and now for "the sibling")??? I love him/her. I am just afraid I have not brought her (I'll write her just because!) to the best of families. I'm afraid of myself, of not being good enough... and I don't want to say this in a "manifesting" thread... I am afraid of not coping (I am the breadwinner, I am SLEEPY! I feel I owe Sofi to spend quality time with her, I want to get the spark back in my relationship! but I always seem to sabotage myself there!) On the other hand, when I satart speaking about it with sympathetic listeners I feel the love filling me... I was told today I looked great by someone who doesn't know, and *I Know Why* IYKWIM!!!
is doing me good....
but DD and DP are wainting for me (I knew writing this post would take long
), and I know I want to be with them
concentration @ work
: (please, keep it coming, I know it's up to me but, boy, it's difficult not to spend the whole day here or netsurfing and then starting a guilt circle)
The old healing + study for DP
Peace, love and mental health for my SIL
DP was just on the phone with me, I spoke with her also (teasing me playfully), and I am in tears I love her and want so much for her to be better and I am moved by her issues... I just erased the long explanation I was trying to write about her and left the essentials
Did me good!
(OT, a friend of mine who had been TTC for more than a year is also expecting, I had thought of asking for some babydust for her here but was afraid it would come to me instead
Girls, thanks for listening.
Thanks for the love you send out everyday.
Last but certainly not least, Health and Growth for my Children