I’m an adoptee too, adopted at birth. It was supposed to be a closed adoption, but there was a small mix-up and papers that were supposed to go to my birth mother got sent to my adoptive mom. So my mom knew my birth mother’s name and some other small details about her. However, my whole life I’d never known more than my birth mother’s name. We had no idea where she was or even if she was alive. I kind of assumed I’d never meet her.
This may sound silly, but one of the main reasons I never started searching hard for her was because I was afraid I’d find out she was dead. I was so afraid of that, I would rather have lived with the feeling that she was out there somewhere and happy than know she was gone and I’d never know her.
BUT – my birth mother and I just found each other two weeks ago! It’s kind of an amazing story, as neither one of us was looking for the other, but the upshot is that we were reunited and we’re both absolutely thrilled. It was a shock to us both, and we were both floating on clouds for a week or so. We still are, really! So far we’ve just talked on the phone and emailed, but she’s coming to see me next month. I’m SO EXCITED!!
I’m very lucky in that my mom is just as happy as I am. She’s thrilled for me too. In fact she used to encourage me to find my birth mother, but she never pushed it as she knew it was my decision to make. She was instrumental in helping me and my birth mother find each other. She’ll love meeting my birth mother and wants to thank her in person for making such a loving, giving decision in giving me up for adoption.
Emilie, it must be so hard for you to try and balance the feelings of your mom with your own and those of your birth mom. Have you asked her exactly why she’s so upset about the prospect of you meeting your birth mom? Does she feel threatened, like she might be “replaced” as a mom or grandma, or is it something else? Maybe if you allow your mom to really open up and release her true emotions about you meeting your birth mom, just letting her tell you how she feels and letting her know you won't judge her for her feelings no matter what they are, she might feel more comfortable with the situation? It sounds like you need to have a serious talk. It’s not fair for you to have to stay away from your birth mother because of your mom’s insecurity, but I also understand that you don’t want to hurt your mom either.
Even though I’m new to this whole “meeting your birth mom” thing, only two weeks in now, I’d be happy to talk about this some more with you too. It’s a very emotional thing, isn’t it?