Living with inlaws & they hate me - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 11:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all, I wouldn't wish my situation on anybody. Sorry long post.

It all started last year. My husband's older brother lives in another country where it is harder to have a good, steady income. Actually, his effort to find a job since he graduated from college is very questionable. So he and his wife decided to open a store that sells clothes. Since they don't have money, they had to borrow it from everyone they know. MIL and FIL loaned at least $60K or more (probably most of their life savings)to them and my husband & I lent $5K.

End of last year, MIL who is about 59yo said she was tired and quit her job. FIL (60) had stopped working also. At the time, they live with college- going SIL in their own average house. I lived with husband alone in a 3 bedroom house about 20 minutes away. One day she called me and said she's not working anymore and can't afford to pay their ($500) mortgage. She asked if they could come live with hubby and me. My hubby is very traditional and had actually wanted to live with them even before this happened so he was pretty set on this. I had no choice but to agree to this.

So now all the rooms in my house are full. (My master bath shares a wall with MIL's room and the walls are thin. Not fun.) I'm expecting a baby next year and he/she will not get a separate room. SIL who seems to have been going to college for soo long might graduate next year but who's to say when she will move out?? She doesn't pay us anything. The $5K was returned to us by BIL but we had to then loan it to SIL. She has only helped out clean the house like *once.*

MIL since moving in actually is working again and making like 2 grand each month. FIL still stays at home. I found out recently that the reason that they don't have enuf $ is because FIL had borrowed a lot of $ to buy stocks and now MIL is working her butt off to pay it back! To top this off, their house is now being rented out for like one grand a month. The only thing they have to pay for while living with us is groceries. And they always say they're broke.

MIL says that after I have the baby, she will stop working to help babysit. I hope it's not as worse as I imagine it to be. Nobody asked me if I even wanted someone else to look after my child.

Things got worse last night. MIL and SIL came home from work and both looked sad/mad. DH was concerned and proceeded to have a very long talk with SIL, all the while, I was so nervous because I knew they were probably talking about me! Evidently, SIL said she was unhappy living here (most likely because of me) and wanted to move back to MIL's house. Then I heard FIL & MIL weren't happy living here either and that MIL expected me to "serve" her and not the other way around according to her!!

DH agreed that *they* can leave if they choose BUT he will have no part in suggesting that we should not live together. Is there a really polite way to ask them to leave?? Obviously, everybody is miserable.

Would anybody go insane if they were me? Any advice or suggestion is welcome. TIA
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#2 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 12:03 PM
 
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Oh, wow.



You DO have choices! You can voice your own opinion of this situation.

I think your biggest problem isn't your IL's. It's your husband not listening to you and not considering YOUR feelings. You and he need to sit down (alone) and talk this out. He needs to understand how terribly hard this is on you. You need to TELL him this.

I fear that things will only get worse after you have a baby. UNLESS you are able to put your foot down and say "This is MY baby and we (husband and you) make the decisions, not you."

Gosh, I can see how stressful this situation is/has been for you.

www.motherinlawstories.com has a dicussion board dealing with MIL's (and FIL's and SIL's and husbands and....). I found reading on there helped me deal with my IL's better.

Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

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#3 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 12:05 PM
 
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Let them get their ungreatful butts out of your home! Who cares, they sound to me like a bunch of very ungreatful spoiled brats. Your MIL thinks you should serve her? Has she lost her mind? Please tell her that if anyone should be serving anyone, she should be serving you! The one whos growing a child!

I think it would be best if they left. They are grown adults with jobs, they can find a place to rent.

my kids are 10, 7, and 4. i'm due any day now
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#4 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 12:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita
I think your biggest problem isn't your IL's. It's your husband not listening to you and not considering YOUR feelings. You and he need to sit down (alone) and talk this out. He needs to understand how terribly hard this is on you. You need to TELL him this.
Yes, actually, we did talk about this last night. He said he thought everybody would be automatically *happy* living with each other. Duh...He doesn't believe it won't work until now, when things are falling apart. He agreed to not beg them to stay if they wanted to leave but he will NOT suggest that maybe we should live separately. If I suggest that to the IL's, don't think DH will be happy. It's always what *they* want and not what I want. :
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita
I fear that things will only get worse after you have a baby. UNLESS you are able to put your foot down and say "This is MY baby and we (husband and you) make the decisions, not you."
This will be difficult. DH has a hard time standing up for me against his DM.
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#5 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 01:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by genoisegurl
MIL says that after I have the baby, she will stop working to help babysit. I hope it's not as worse as I imagine it to be. Nobody asked me if I even wanted someone else to look after my child.
If you do not want this to happen, you need to voice your opinions far more quickly than you have.

You need to call a family meeting, perhaps bi-weekly, and start discussing issues ASAP. Tell your MIL that though you really appreciate your offer, you plan to stay home with your own baby and nurse. Tell her she had the luxury of being with her children and now it is your turn to revel in your child yourself.

Yes, I would go crazy in your situation. Actually, I simply won't allow family to live with us, end of story. I feel for you.
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#6 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 01:37 PM
 
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Wow, you poor thing.

But the PP is right, you do have choices! You don't have to tell them to leave, but you can start suggesting it in other ways...

For instance, start looking at the classifieds and circle homes that you think might work for them, then give it to them while saying "I thought you should look at these, maybe we can look at them together!" and do it every day. Sooner or later they will get the hint!
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#7 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverSky
You need to call a family meeting, perhaps bi-weekly, and start discussing issues ASAP. Tell your MIL that though you really appreciate your offer, you plan to stay home with your own baby and nurse. Tell her she had the luxury of being with her children and now it is your turn to revel in your child yourself.
The family meeting sounds like a great idea. I know we should've done it a long time ago. Get all the issues out in the open so nobody is guessing what the other person is thinking. MIL plans to retire when the baby comes so she will be home anyway. The only way I can raise the child myself is if we don't live together. Sigh...it's a trap.
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#8 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPJJJ
Wow, you poor thing.

But the PP is right, you do have choices! You don't have to tell them to leave, but you can start suggesting it in other ways...

For instance, start looking at the classifieds and circle homes that you think might work for them, then give it to them while saying "I thought you should look at these, maybe we can look at them together!" and do it every day. Sooner or later they will get the hint!
Ha ha...I like the way you think. Too bad it won't fly with DH.
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#9 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 05:50 PM
 
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I couldn't help but feel that your SIL and MIL are actively trying to emotionally manipulate the situation by attempting to blame 'you' for the situation rather than take responsibility for it themselves. If they are doing this, then it's the last thing that you need, especially with a new baby arriving soon. It's difficult enough catering for the needs of a new arrival, let alone the needs of adults. Possibly they are waiting for your husband to ask them to stay, to make themselves feel better, so that they can exclaim 'Hey look, we're wanted here, so it's obviously not us that are in the wrong'

Ultimately I think that you should put the needs of your immediate family first, you, husband child/ren etc etc. Good luck with the outcome
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#10 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 05:58 PM
 
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oh yuck i am so sorry that things are so unpleasant for you
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#11 of 15 Old 08-17-2006, 09:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by genoisegurl
Ha ha...I like the way you think. Too bad it won't fly with DH.
You know, if you can't get your husband to stand up for your feelings, wants and needs, then I think that you two could use some couples therapy, big time. Your husband needs someone objective to tell him that he is being unreasonable, expecting you to have his ENTIRE extended family living with you. It's crazy! I mean, why don't you guys just give the parents $500 a month to pay their own mortgage? The SIL can go live with her parents!!
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#12 of 15 Old 08-18-2006, 11:18 AM
 
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Wow. Your husband is completely unreasonable. It is your home, too. There is no way I'd live with any of my inlaws unless the alternative would be that they'd be living under an overpass, and even then, I'd have to think about it.

I think you guys need counselling if he will not make any effort to see your point.
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#13 of 15 Old 08-28-2006, 06:54 PM
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You poor girl. *hug* I'm not sure what advice to give, but I agree you need to do something NOW, despite your husband's reluctance. Right now my marriage and my life are a living nightmare thanks to my inlaws and passive husband, so I would advise you to nip it in the bud. Put your foot down now!
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#14 of 15 Old 08-31-2006, 10:28 AM
 
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hugs to you mama. I cant even imagine the stress...well I can, but thankfully I dont have to live it.

Is there a reason you dont have a say in anything?

It is pointless for me to tell you what I would do in your situation, as we are different people, and I have a say in everything

I hope your situation resolves in a way that is best for you.
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#15 of 15 Old 08-31-2006, 11:40 PM
 
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I cannot imagine how stressful this situation is for you. Maybe I'm not reading this right, but your dh refuses to suggest that his family move out, even though it sounds as though they're more than capable, and it's clearly causing you a huge amount of distress?

I think the problem here is not just your inlaws, it's your place in the hierachy of the family; and at this point I'd be suggesting to your dh that he make a decision about where *he'd* like to be living too - heck, if it's so great with them maybe he could move out too
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