I have all the signs of someone who has been abused. I don't remember being abused (with the exception of the abuse that occurred when I was a teenager, but it was obvious much before that) And I struggle with being abusive also. I don't know where to start as far as healing and moving on, but it must be done, and please please please don't suggest therapy, b/c I've been dealing with that crap my whole life, and it's BS to me. I know there must be a better way.
I think I repressed everything my whole life, but when I became pregnant with DS (now 18 mos) I turned into a crazy woman, and it seems ALL of everything was hitting me at once.
It's so hard for me, b/c I don't remember being abused, I have no idea who did it to me, I don't know who to be angry at, but it's obvious it happened.
I have always had a deep anger, and fit the attachment disorder description. I also remember having odd nightmares of a sexual manner since I was a toddler.
I know it's affecting me today. I can be terribly abusive to DH, and it has triggered in him something he is suppressing, and he becomes violent back at me. I need to heal from this. I hate that whatever happened happened. What can I do to start healing?