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#1 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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im going through major stuff with a woman in my life and i want to be done with it. i want nothing else to do with her. I want never to see her or speak to her again. she is poisonus and angry and hurtful. but i can't seem to stop thinking and going over and over what she said to me.. what i said back in anger and pain..i apologised for my part in the bad blood but i need some help putting closure on this relationship so i can move on!
ETA: she is family, so realistically im never going to be totally done with her..

help!
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#2 of 10 Old 12-04-2006, 05:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Spirulina&Sage View Post
im going through major stuff with a woman in my life and i want to be done with it. i want nothing else to do with her. I want never to see her or speak to her again. she is poisonus and angry and hurtful. but i can't seem to stop thinking and going over and over what she said to me.. what i said back in anger and pain..i apologised for my part in the bad blood but i need some help putting closure on this relationship so i can move on!
ETA: she is family, so realistically im never going to be totally done with her..

help!
find every fault in her

list them

find those places in yourself ..come on, I KNOW this is the hard part.........but the most rewards are here.......what would the gift/lesson be?


forgive and accept that part of yourself

see your innocence

see her innocence

love the whole situation for all the growth you are being called to rise to.
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#3 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 01:00 AM
 
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Intentfulady, that sounds like an insightful plan, and something I will have to think about myself.

Spirulina&Sage, I have been going through something similar with my SIL, and I was actually sitting here wondering if I should type out the whole sordid story to get some feedback on the same thing you asked -- how do you get past that? In my case, my SIL is such a hateful person and keeps provoking DH and me that I feel like the odds are against us in trying to "get over it." I feel like I shouldn't care what she thinks of us and that I should just ignore her and the things she has said, but unfortuanately, she has said such hurtful things that DH and I both find that very hard to do.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I did want to let you know that I am struggling with this too. When someone cuts you to the core, it's very hard to just forgive and forget.
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#4 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 03:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Intentfulady, that sounds like an insightful plan, and something I will have to think about myself.

Spirulina&Sage, I have been going through something similar with my SIL, and I was actually sitting here wondering if I should type out the whole sordid story to get some feedback on the same thing you asked -- how do you get past that? In my case, my SIL is such a hateful person and keeps provoking DH and me that I feel like the odds are against us in trying to "get over it." I feel like I shouldn't care what she thinks of us and that I should just ignore her and the things she has said, but unfortuanately, she has said such hurtful things that DH and I both find that very hard to do.

I don't mean to hijack your thread, but I did want to let you know that I am struggling with this too. When someone cuts you to the core, it's very hard to just forgive and forget.


im so sorry that you are in this place. its so hard! and please! totally share your stuff, its not about me.. its about how to move on from these experiences in life that throw a wrench into the clockwork.
people like this, it seems to me, feed off of the negative stuff.. its like they cant get the love they need so causing hurt is the next best thing. maybe im totally wrong, but this is what i feel.

even today seems better than the last. ive cut off communication for now..and im focusing on loving who im with even more than usual. snuggling my almost 4 year old son and having him fall asleep in my arms felt so good tonight. i feel sad for her because i wonder if she ever feels as happy and as loved as i do all the time.
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#5 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 03:08 AM
 
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Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#6 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 03:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by intentfulady View Post
find every fault in her

list them

find those places in yourself ..come on, I KNOW this is the hard part.........but the most rewards are here.......what would the gift/lesson be?


forgive and accept that part of yourself

see your innocence

see her innocence

love the whole situation for all the growth you are being called to rise to.


this is very good advice.. im going to do this and see how i feel. thank you!
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#7 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 02:51 PM
 
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Well, since you asked....

DH and I have been together as couple for 10 years, married for 5.5. We have a 20-month old dd. Dh and I have always known that his brother (BIL) and his brother's wife (SIL) have never really liked me, but we never thought muh of it. It's just a difference of personality, really. They're very party-hardy, extroverted, and mainstream folks. DH and I are not. I'm generally quiet and reserved, introverted, and off-the-beaten track in my beliefs. Dh is very much like me, but he tends to try to blend in with them because he does whatever it takes to keep the peace. I find that hard to do and cannot pretend that I am something I am not.

So, for whatever reason, in June of 2005 when my daughter was barely 3 months old, they said we needed a "family meeting" to "clear the air." We had no idea what was coming but said OK. Basically, MIL, SIL, and BIL said that they hated me, and now that FIL had passed away (he died of brain cancer 6 months prior to that) they felt like they didn't have to pretend to like me anymore. (FIL, DH, and I had been very close.) For 2 hours, they told us everything they hated about us. It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life; we had NO idea they were so hateful and that they had been storing this stuff up for so many years. Their complaints and insults are too numerous to list, but what it seems to come down to is that they disapproved strongly of our pregnancy and birth-related decisions -- MIL and SIL both had C-sections by choice whereas DH and I had a Bradley birth, something they said I was doing just to show off : They told me BFing was disgusting and that I should be grateful it didn't work out for me because formula is so much better : -- and we suspect they feel threatened by us in some way. Since then, here are some of the ways they have antagonized us:

Last year, they sent us a Christmas card but addressed it only to DH and dd. That was devastating to me, and I wanted it so badly not to get to me, but it still bothers me.

Last year, MIL dropped by around Xmas while a bunch of my family was present. She asked my mom to take a "family picture" of her, DH, our dd, etc. When my mom said to me, "Oh Sarah, go get in the picture," MIL said, "No, I said I want a FAMILY picture." WOW. :

MIL has a bulletin board full of pictures of BIL's child and our dd. Naturally, some of these feature other family members as well, but MIL allowed BIL to remove all the pictures of DD in which I am also present.

DH chooses not to call BIL anymore because of the way they have treated me, but BIL and SIL have accused me of keeping DH from them and told MIL that I manipulate DH. (As if DH can't make his own decisions!)

MIL brags about all the expensive gifts she buys for BIL's DD, but only gave our DD a $20 bill on her 1st birthday. It's not about the money or the gifts, but the inequality there shocks me.

MIL bought BIL a $30,000 country club membership and then told DH that he hadn't "earned" anything like that from her. Again, it's soooooo not about the money and dh wouldn't even want something like that, but the inequality and favoritism is just amazing.

DD is allergic to milk, but SIL makes fun of that and claims that I am just depriving her of milk because of my freaky ideas about nutrition. (HUH?!?! Having a kid with allergies can be kind of nuisance; why would we INVENT an allergy?!?!) Meanwhile, their dd subsists on Wonder Bread and bologna, but we've never said a word about that....)

We continue to invite them to big things like Thansgiving dinner, but they make plans amongst themselves and so far in adavance that no one ever comes to anything we plan, so we're totally alone for everything. That just hurts.

Seriously, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I just don't know how to get past all of this. I hate to admit it, but I'm actually TERRIFIED of them. Truly terrified. They have such power to devastate us, and no matter what we do, it's wrong. We try to ignore them and to live our own lives, but they always find a new way to antagonize us and to remind us of how much they hate us. It's soooooo hard to get past it all when they just push and push and push. I'm already afraid to see what will happen over the holidays.
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#8 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 06:10 PM
 
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when someone cuts me to the core;

I am learning to thank them for showing me that place that needs healed.

I have had a hard time finding my core sometimes, I want a nice strong core, now I know where I need to focus my love and healing.
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#9 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 06:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i can't even fathom how someone can be so nasty and angry and cruel.. she must be such an unhappy, insecure person..she must be really threatened by you somehow to be so hurtful..i cant understand how her husband, your BIL? could even want to be near someone like that.. or is he totally in on it as well?

she sounds a lot like the person im speaking of..

im so so sorry that you are dealing with this.. it would be so much easier if we could just forget that they ever existed, huh? but in reality its not nearly so easy.

i find myself thinking about it so much.. about this person and how she wants me to feel like she does inside. i try so hard to push those feelings away, but when someone says and does such hurtful things i start wondering if its me.. ifi somehow am this bad person, but didnt know.. or realise..until now..

its a mind game! and not a fun one..


Quote:
Originally Posted by msjd123 View Post
Well, since you asked....

DH and I have been together as couple for 10 years, married for 5.5. We have a 20-month old dd. Dh and I have always known that his brother (BIL) and his brother's wife (SIL) have never really liked me, but we never thought muh of it. It's just a difference of personality, really. They're very party-hardy, extroverted, and mainstream folks. DH and I are not. I'm generally quiet and reserved, introverted, and off-the-beaten track in my beliefs. Dh is very much like me, but he tends to try to blend in with them because he does whatever it takes to keep the peace. I find that hard to do and cannot pretend that I am something I am not.

So, for whatever reason, in June of 2005 when my daughter was barely 3 months old, they said we needed a "family meeting" to "clear the air." We had no idea what was coming but said OK. Basically, MIL, SIL, and BIL said that they hated me, and now that FIL had passed away (he died of brain cancer 6 months prior to that) they felt like they didn't have to pretend to like me anymore. (FIL, DH, and I had been very close.) For 2 hours, they told us everything they hated about us. It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life; we had NO idea they were so hateful and that they had been storing this stuff up for so many years. Their complaints and insults are too numerous to list, but what it seems to come down to is that they disapproved strongly of our pregnancy and birth-related decisions -- MIL and SIL both had C-sections by choice whereas DH and I had a Bradley birth, something they said I was doing just to show off : They told me BFing was disgusting and that I should be grateful it didn't work out for me because formula is so much better : -- and we suspect they feel threatened by us in some way. Since then, here are some of the ways they have antagonized us:

Last year, they sent us a Christmas card but addressed it only to DH and dd. That was devastating to me, and I wanted it so badly not to get to me, but it still bothers me.

Last year, MIL dropped by around Xmas while a bunch of my family was present. She asked my mom to take a "family picture" of her, DH, our dd, etc. When my mom said to me, "Oh Sarah, go get in the picture," MIL said, "No, I said I want a FAMILY picture." WOW. :

MIL has a bulletin board full of pictures of BIL's child and our dd. Naturally, some of these feature other family members as well, but MIL allowed BIL to remove all the pictures of DD in which I am also present.

DH chooses not to call BIL anymore because of the way they have treated me, but BIL and SIL have accused me of keeping DH from them and told MIL that I manipulate DH. (As if DH can't make his own decisions!)

MIL brags about all the expensive gifts she buys for BIL's DD, but only gave our DD a $20 bill on her 1st birthday. It's not about the money or the gifts, but the inequality there shocks me.

MIL bought BIL a $30,000 country club membership and then told DH that he hadn't "earned" anything like that from her. Again, it's soooooo not about the money and dh wouldn't even want something like that, but the inequality and favoritism is just amazing.

DD is allergic to milk, but SIL makes fun of that and claims that I am just depriving her of milk because of my freaky ideas about nutrition. (HUH?!?! Having a kid with allergies can be kind of nuisance; why would we INVENT an allergy?!?!) Meanwhile, their dd subsists on Wonder Bread and bologna, but we've never said a word about that....)

We continue to invite them to big things like Thansgiving dinner, but they make plans amongst themselves and so far in adavance that no one ever comes to anything we plan, so we're totally alone for everything. That just hurts.

Seriously, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I just don't know how to get past all of this. I hate to admit it, but I'm actually TERRIFIED of them. Truly terrified. They have such power to devastate us, and no matter what we do, it's wrong. We try to ignore them and to live our own lives, but they always find a new way to antagonize us and to remind us of how much they hate us. It's soooooo hard to get past it all when they just push and push and push. I'm already afraid to see what will happen over the holidays.
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#10 of 10 Old 12-06-2006, 08:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by intentfulady View Post
when someone cuts me to the core;

I am learning to thank them for showing me that place that needs healed.

I have had a hard time finding my core sometimes, I want a nice strong core, now I know where I need to focus my love and healing.
You should change your screen name to Insightfulady. That is a very good point, and something that did occur to me a few months ago. My SIL is the ringleader in all of this and her point seems to have been that I don't fit in with their family and that I am not good enough. Well, as a fairly introverted person who marches to the beat of her own drummer, that has ALWAYS been my deepest insecurity. That's why it hurt so much. I used to try harder to fit in and be like everyone else, but I realized in college that I wasn't doing myself any favors by doing that, In fact, I was anorexic in high school, so trying to fit other people's ideas of what is Good and Perfect has been physically and emotionally destructive at times. You are right that I want a strong core, and DH and I remind each other that this experience WILL make us stronger as individuals and as a couple.

Anyway, now I have totally stolen your thread, so I apologize, but as before, know that you are NOT alone in battling people like this.

ETA: I thought at first, too, wow, maybe it's me. Actually, I didn't have to think that because they just flat-out said that, and for a while, I believed it. But, I know in my heart of hearts that I am a kind and loving person. DH is a kind and loving person. No one deserves to be degraded and ostracized. I'm not a religious person, but I do feel that it is not my place to punish people, so DH and I have taken the high road and tried to turn the other cheek. The fact that we have a clear conscience helps immensely because we KNOW we have not done anything to deserve such abuse.
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