c-sec mommas-- growth & healing chat thread - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 306 Old 01-21-2007, 04:56 PM
 
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Fiestabeth, I read your birth story and was inspired to post my own.

2 months out I feel like I am 95% physically recovered. Because of a few road bumps on getting my PP checkup, I haven't started working out yet, but I've been walking, walking, walking and carrying DD in the Maya Wrap since the week we got home.

I feel a bit guilty for getting my perfect baby without pushing her out, but there's no going back now. I'm also in agreement with the poster who said she felt "like a virgin." The way things happened, my c/s was medically necessary, but maybe if I had handled pregnancy and labor a little differently I could have avoided it. I'm just trying to put it behind me and hope for a med-free VBAC next time. I won't be doing a home birth though - after experiencing complications in labour I have no desire to be far from help.
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#62 of 306 Old 01-23-2007, 05:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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beth & nina, thank you both for sharing! huge hugs to both of you. i avoided reading your stories at first, gut reaction to birth stories... but made myself, and doing so was a little bit more healing for me! so, thank you.

i do think it's bit by bit. i had a thing last week that i didnt deal so well with, and figuring out why was another pebble in the pond of healing.

i would really love to focus on ideas for healing..... but i'm not sure the best way? i dont want to start a whole new thread, i really want it to be here..... maybe just have a post we edit? oohhh, yes! i can edit the original post to add them! ok..... post what you want added-- nursing and co-sleeping are the top two.... my ritual idea is one.... what else?
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#63 of 306 Old 01-24-2007, 01:41 AM
 
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I finally posted my birth story in the birth story thread! (I don't know how to post link here) It took 8.5 months to do it. It was very theraputic. I also found this thread and am SO excited! I'm pretty sure that I had a necessary c-section, but still feel robbed some how by the system! I hate being a statistic. Anyway, I haven't read the whole thread yet, but am excited to do so. Hopefully I'll find some healing here too! I love mdc!

Here are my feelings, I feel I failed somehow. I know I didn't, but everyone knew I didn't want a c-section or to be induced, and then it happened. It was embarrassing! Also, I'm not mad really, I needed the section, but I'm mad that so many people DON'T need them. I'm upset that I'm scared to have a home birth now. I feel like I should be able to get over it, but I can't. I'm upset that it took so long to bond with my baby.

Physically my scar still hurts, I still feel somewhat bruised on the insides. DD and I just barely got back to intimate stuff because it hurt so much internally to be touched at all. I don't have very much feeling at all around the incision site, and the surrounding areas. I think I could now start to think about exercise and it's been 8 Months!

I've also wondered if emergency sections get longer scars, I have a much longer one than most people I know. At least it is transverse!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#64 of 306 Old 01-26-2007, 02:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hate being a statistic.

Physically my scar still hurts, I still feel somewhat bruised on the insides. DD and I just barely got back to intimate stuff because it hurt so much internally to be touched at all. I don't have very much feeling at all around the incision site, and the surrounding areas.
yes. and yes. hugs. it took us about that long too. i've been able to do some yoga and walking for a bit, but MAN did it hurt for a long time.

welcome, please! hang out with us!
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#65 of 306 Old 01-26-2007, 02:35 PM
 
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So, does anyone else have any residual physical problems from their section? My scar hurt for soooo long, and now for the last few months I've been having pain under the scar on the right side. It's gotten worse and worse. I'm scheduled for a pelvic ultrasound in two weeks. My mom thinks it may be adhesions from the surgery; the doc is suspicious of ovarian cysts. We have yet to find out if it is related to the section or not, but I have not felt normal or totally healed these last 25 months.

Oh, and I wanted to add that when I was finally able to put the pictures of Sofia's birth in the scrapbook it was really healing. I think I will print out the story I wrote here and add it to the book. And, I agree that co-sleeping and breastfeeding were very beneficial too.

~Beth, mama to two amazing girls, ages 12 and 6~

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#66 of 306 Old 01-26-2007, 04:07 PM
 
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I still feel like I'm healing, so I don't really know about physical problems yet left over! I was told it takes a year at least. I hope that the cysts(if that's what it is) are unrelated, that would make me feel better, instead of being upset at the section again!

Did it take anyone else a very long time to really bond w/their baby? It seemed to take me around 5-6 months. I loved her, and wanted to take care of her, but just like I would any kid, not like my own. If we didn't do so much AP stuff, I think it would have been very bad! Now I feel so guilty that I was disconnected. I don't think I can blame all of this on the section, we were in denial about having a baby anyway, she was unplanned! We wanted to wait until we were out of school for kids! So I was disconnected during the pg too. I wish I could go back and enjoy it! I guess that's what I'll do next time if I have time since I'll be chasing DD1!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#67 of 306 Old 02-06-2007, 04:45 PM
 
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Hi,

I'm so glad to have found this thread. I feel like I am still healing, and it's been 14 months since my c-section.

The best way to describe how I feel, I guess, is "broken". I still have pain around my scar if I move a certain way, or pick something up, or mop or vaccuum... do you know what I mean? I am reminded of it on almost a daily basis, and I guess I am still angry.

I am seeing a counselor for PTSD related to my birth experience, which is helping. I'm terrified to get pregnant again because I don't want to go through all of that again.

I was induced at 38 weeks and labored for a day and a half and pushed for 3 hours once I got to 10 cm. It was awful. Then I had the C-section and they had to knock me out in the middle of it because ds was so lodged in my pelvis. It was awful. I didn't get to see him when he was born, or anything. I am still really upset about it all.

Anyway, that's my story.

I hope to find support and understanding here. My dh and my mom do not get it. They know I'm upset, but they do not understand how I feel.

Glad to find this thread.

Mom to two beautiful boys, now in school to be a therapist and help other women with PPD.  
 

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#68 of 306 Old 02-06-2007, 05:28 PM
 
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Hugs and welcome to mama 0810! My DH and family also don't understand. They think I should be over it by now. I have a happy healthy baby so what's the big deal!!! I don't even know how to explain it! It's awful. I'm also scared to get pg again. We aren't planning on another baby for a few years anyway, but I'm still scared. I'm glad the therapy is helping, we'll all get though this somehow!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#69 of 306 Old 02-07-2007, 11:31 PM
 
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Hi,

The best way to describe how I feel, I guess, is "broken".

I hope to find support and understanding here. My dh and my mom do not get it. They know I'm upset, but they do not understand how I feel.
I also have had feelings of just being "broken" and the physical pain that I still feel is just another reminder. It sounds like you are trying to work through your birth experience and I really think that is so important so that your next pregnancy can be a joyful instead of fearful experience. I also want more babies but I know that I have to move past the c/s emotionally so that I can have the birth that I want. I am really trying to "see" myself having a peaceful birth and not allowing those negative thoughts to creep in telling me that I will end up just like last time. I am slowly starting to regain my confidence simply by telling myself that I can do this! However, I am still so afraid and I know that I have to at least emotionally address the fact that I could have another c/s. I feel like...if I don't at least prepare for the worst then it will be even more devestating for me emotionally.

I am also frustrated because I don't think that anyone can "get" it unless they have been through it. Plus, I find it hard to even be able to fully describe what I am feeling. So much of it is just raw emotion. I can talk about my frustration, anger, and disappointment but there are just some things that I can't fully explain. My dh gets it somewhat since I have gone over things so often with him....but my mom just thinks that she understands but its obvious that she doesn't when she tells me I just need to move on and be thankful for my healthy baby. I hope that we can all support each other and ultimately regain some of our confidence and achieve some peace.

(((Hugs)))
Mandy
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#70 of 306 Old 02-07-2007, 11:54 PM
 
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Does anyone else have an "unfinished" feeling? I feel like I've been pregnant for the last 7 years, since I was pregnant but never gave birth (in the normal sense). This is one reason why I want a VBAC so bad, to feel completed.
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#71 of 306 Old 02-08-2007, 12:43 AM
 
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I have that unfinished feeling too a bit. But it's still all so new that the scariness of trying and failing again is more overwhelming!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#72 of 306 Old 02-08-2007, 02:19 PM
 
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I have that unfinished feeling too a bit. But it's still all so new that the scariness of trying and failing again is more overwhelming!
I didn't find the second c/s (VBAC attempt) really added to my burden, it was like the damage was already done. I am upset about what ds went through, but not more upset for myself.

However, I'm doubly determined to not allow that to happen again. I am planning a UBAC next time.
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#73 of 306 Old 02-08-2007, 03:02 PM
 
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I didn't find the second c/s (VBAC attempt) really added to my burden, it was like the damage was already done.
Thanks, this is actually a comforting thought!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#74 of 306 Old 02-10-2007, 01:55 AM
 
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I had a bad birth memory day today. I am still so angry at the universe for doing this to me and my dd. I am less angry about myself and more angry that my dd didn't get a bunch of things I think are very important! She didn't get to have her cord finish pulsing before it was cut from her, she didn't go to a warm mom right away, she didn't get to nurse for over an hour, she got the Vit K shot and eye junk...AHHHHH I am just so angry about it all. I really wanted my homebirth...I already knew I could birth a baby...I had two that way before but I really didn't want to be at the hospital at all....

Even though I know that there was nothing I could have done, I am still questioning why I couldn't push her out really fast and just get her born! In all likleyhood she would have died right during...I mean if no blood is getting through the cord...baby doesn't survive...but still I am torturing myself.

Is anyone else dealing with major feelings of envy? I have a friend who is having a baby via homebirth in July and I am so envious of her, even though it hasn't even happened yet! Its just awful....

Eden yikes.gif, working on a PhD in Education mama to Laurelleshamrocksmile.gif (16), Orijoy.gif (6), Yarrowfaint.gif (4) and Linusfly-by-nursing1.gif (1) partner to Brice. 
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#75 of 306 Old 02-10-2007, 02:15 AM
 
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Bathrobe goddess- I have many of these same feelings. I also know that medically I needed the c-sec. I'm terrified of home birth, envious of friends having ones (I have 2 friends doing hb in Aug) Regretting that I didn't enjoy my pg, worried I'll have another c/s worried that for some weird reason I won't be able to have another baby, and I don't know how to deal with all of these feelings! I kinda feel like I need to see a therapist but have no money or insurance to do so. I talk about it to my friends, but it's still so hard!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#76 of 306 Old 02-13-2007, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hugs, mommas.

i am finding that healing comes in spurts for me. i experienced a major set back recently.... then, over a recent trip, as often happens for me, i had a jump forward in healing. my scar is fading. my stregnth (and that sense of "real me") is reemerging from that haze (anyone else think about that-- those drugs stay in our system a real long time).

I found that time i was spending around new mommas and mommas to be, talking about those early days, remembering them... and yeah, remembering pregnancy (which also was not fun for me, and is also something i mourn-- having a "fun" pregnancy), and of course, and most especially, birth.... was draning me. it wasnt rubbing the wound with as much salt as it used to, so i do think there is hope. but it was definately wrenching my tummy into knots, and sapping a bit of my "here & now" energy.

So, i'm returning once again to my womb of healing. my universe of two, babe and me, in the garden, in the sun, in each other's arms. in our love, our bliss, our little tangle of us. because the time i spend there mutes the blaring hurt of our shared birthing method. the time we spend wrapped up in getting dirt under our fingernails and chasing slugs grows healing vines over the sense of loss.

i'm so glad people have found this thread helpful! i hope it continues. we all find our paths of healing. me, i find mine in the sun, in the garden, with my babe. so, that's where i'll be, if you need me.

i'll be doing my henna tatoo over the scar for ds's birthday. we'll also be planting a tree. i'll be thinking of you all, and sending you many many vibes of healing and love!

xoxoxox
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#77 of 306 Old 04-14-2007, 09:52 PM
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I know I'm digging up an old thread, but moosemommy, your last post really struck a chord. I had my first c-section just one month ago today. This was my 2nd birth, my first was a vaginal birth, so the emergency section for this baby was a big shock. I am so thankful to have my beautiful healthy baby boy, but I can't help but wonder if the surgery was actually necessary. Some days I feel like I can accept it, other days I feel like I am mourning a huge loss. The fact that I can't even lift my 2 year-old just adds to the pain of it all. Anyhow, moosemommy, I am so inspired that you are finding some peace. I have fleeting moments of peacefulness-usually at 4 AM when it is just my baby and I and he is nursing and looking up into my eyes. I don't know what else to say at this point--there's so much I have yet to process--but I wanted to thank all of you who took the time to post on this thread. YOu've articulated all of those feelings I've been experiencing over the last month but haven't known how to deal with them. I hope we all find peace on our journey of healing...
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#78 of 306 Old 04-15-2007, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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jkg-- hugs to you, momma! those 4 am moments of peace still happen. had one last night, actually.

the funny thing is, just yesterday i searched for this thread....thought about bumping it, cause there hadnt been any posts since my last one.

our one year anniversary was the 6th of this month, and i've been spending a lot of time thinking about it.... i am now going to ramble... please forgive. but that's part of what i wanted this thread to be, rambling musings from mommas... so......

when i was still raw from the c-s, i did a lot of second guessing and doubting myself. but with a year's worth of distance, i remember more of the rest of it... i remember that night we got B to turn half way back 'round, then he turned back and didnt move for the rest of the day-- so unlike my squiggley babe... i remember the night before my u-s (to see if we could do a version), sitting in his room trying to "convince" him that a water birth would be soooo nice.... and i remember being overwhelmed with the feeling he was telling me "no." i remember not wanting to believe him, wanting to be "right"... i remember feeling that everything was riding on not just a vaginal birth, but the water birth i'd dreamed of for so long... everything. justification for pregnancy not being how i'd imagined it would be, justification for almost losing my job-- and for losing the best parts of my job-- because i was so sick.... justification for losing my friendships with my girl friends who were pregnant too-- who had very different pregnancies & very different reactions to being pregnant... justification, redemption, salvation... for how pregnancy took over my whole life, my whole world... that water birth was going to refresh me, cleanse me, purify me.... rid me of all the "bad" things that happened to me while i was pregnant....

but you know what i know now? now i know that most of those "bad" things really were not "bad".... i'm now grateful that i lost the best parts of that job, because it made it easier to not go back. i'm grateful that my husband lost his job right after the babe was born, because he got to be home with us when i really needed him. i'm grateful that he got on a better job path because of it, and took us away.... away from where we were, to where we are now-- in a garden, in the sun, away from the (metaphorical and very real) grey, dismal dank rain.... now i know that the "upside down" that pregnancy turned me, got me out of overworking myself for a job that wasnt fulfilling me.... and put me in a quiet meditative place out of which being a mom has been more than i'd imagined, more than i'd dreamed. that exhausting pregnancy and draining birthing experience put me in a place where long nights up with the babe, endless days sitting on the sofa holding him while he sleept... FILLED ME BACK UP.

pregnancy and birth were not what i'd dreamed, not what i'd "wanted"... they, in many senses, "ruined" my old life, old me.... but the babe.... he birthed a new me, and continues to do so each and every day.

i spent a lot of time listening to women who were pregnant go blissfully on about nursery plans and cute baby clothes, and then go on about wonderful birthing experiecnes. i grumbled to myself and secretly hated them. but then, B was born, and their babes were born, and i listened to them complain about babes, and how hard it was being a mom. after my pregnancy and my birthing experience, being a mom was sheer bliss... no matter how much sleep i dont get, how long i go without shaving my legs, how much time i spend nursing him and not getting "stuff" done... i just cant seem to complain.

i still have this... thing... "stuck in my craw," my grandmother would say... about not connecting with other moms. this thread is the closest i've gotten, but you can see by reading it that even we c-s mommas have very different experiences and interpretations of those experiences. i'm not sure i will ever really "connect" with another mom over pregnancy, birth, or even babes.... i've tried to come to peace with that. i actually think that much of my lingering pain over "all of this" (i've been including a pregnancy that wasnt the peppy delight i'd figured it would be... i've been lumping that in with having a birth that wasnt what i'd wanted... thinking of it as a "whole package" as it were) has a lot to do with the loss of "connecting" with other moms. but that is a whole different can of worms, i guess!

ok, enough rambling from me. i'm not sure any of that was helpful to anyone but me, but this is the one place i feel i can really share... the one place i can really be honest about everything. i hope more mommas can feel that way in this very special thread.

xoxoxo

ps. i did get the henna tatoo... not over the scar, but in a more visible spot on my ankle-- a lotus flower. oh! and-- we planted a fig tree. yum!
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#79 of 306 Old 04-15-2007, 03:16 PM
 
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I don't know if this is the appropriate thread to post on, but I need to deal with my c-section and it's aftermath before I can birth my next child.

I blame myself for my c-section. I went to the hospital way too early - I was having regular contractions, but they barely hurt. Once I got there I was put on monitors and because my OB said my dd's heart rate dipped, he broke my water to check for meconium. There was none, but the next step was to start pitocin because I was only 1 cm dilated. Meanwhile I was still lying in bed. I regret not walking, etc. I got an epidural at only 2 cm dilated, and I never got further than that. Soon after the pitocin started, my dd's heart rate dropped and I was rushed to the OR, after given a shot to stop contractions. Luckily her heart rate went back up, and I was brought back to continue to labor, but at that point nothing was happening. My OB decided to do a c-section when the heart rate continued to fluctuate.

After birth I was in the recovery room for a good 24 hours due to no beds being available. I refused the removal of the catheter because there was no bathroom in my room. My dd was in the room with me, but when she cried I couldn't pick her up because of the pain I was in and there was no one to help me (I picked her up with difficulty). No one helped me to nurse because I wasn't on the maternity floor. Etc, etc.

I never felt the instant love I was supposed to feel for my newborn baby. I felt that she was torn from my body, that I didn't give birth to her, etc. I did have ppd which was really helped by nursing and meds. I need to have a better birth experience this time around. I don't know how I will cope with another c-section.

my husband had an appendectomy in 2001 and I asked him if he remembers the pain he went through after the surgery and if he would purposely schedule a surgery with a much larger incision and go through that pain again. he said he would if it was for a baby. I understand that, but I am going to have to be completely convinced it is necessary before I allow that to happen to me. I am so scared that I will be in more pain this time due to dilation and pushing and THEN having a c-section.

I guess my biggest emotion right now is fear. Thanks for reading if you did so!

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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#80 of 306 Old 04-16-2007, 10:21 AM
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Dara00--I'm sorry you're dealing with that fear right now. That must be so difficult. I can really understand that, I know I'll feel the same way if I am pregnant again. Sending you many peaceful birthing vibes...
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#81 of 306 Old 04-16-2007, 05:24 PM
 
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Hi all!

I had my c-section 2 1/2 years ago.

I remember during my childbirth class walking out when they showed the c-section video, because that was not an option for me.

DD's heart rate dropped after almost 3 hours of pushing and it would not come up. It got really low, so low that it makes me tear up just thinking about it and how we almost lost her.

I am thankful for my section, thankful that my beautiful little girl is here and is happy and healthy.

I recovered right away, with hardly no pain after the first day. I was up and walking the next morning. So physically I had no problems.

I would like another child, but am fearful of a VBAC as well as another section. I have attended local ICAN meetings, but they haven't really helped with my fear.

Kelly
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#82 of 306 Old 04-16-2007, 07:39 PM
 
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I can't help but wonder if the surgery was actually necessary. Some days I feel like I can accept it, other days I feel like I am mourning a huge loss. The fact that I can't even lift my 2 year-old just adds to the pain of it all. Anyhow, moosemommy, I am so inspired that you are finding some peace. I have fleeting moments of peacefulness-usually at 4 AM when it is just my baby and I and he is nursing and looking up into my eyes. I don't know what else to say at this point--there's so much I have yet to process--but I wanted to thank all of you who took the time to post on this thread.
I truly hope that you can continue to process everything and find your own peace. I am 7.5 months post partum and I am just now starting to feel better emotionally. You will be able to get through this and all of your feelings seem very similar to what I have felt and worked through. Now, I have more days where I feel like I can accept everything. I wish you a speedy recovery physically and emotionally.

Many hugs!!!
Mandy
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#83 of 306 Old 04-16-2007, 07:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dara00 View Post
I don't know if this is the appropriate thread to post on, but I need to deal with my c-section and it's aftermath before I can birth my next child.

I blame myself for my c-section. I went to the hospital way too early - I was having regular contractions, but they barely hurt. Once I got there I was put on monitors and because my OB said my dd's heart rate dipped, he broke my water to check for meconium. There was none, but the next step was to start pitocin because I was only 1 cm dilated. Meanwhile I was still lying in bed. I regret not walking, etc. I got an epidural at only 2 cm dilated, and I never got further than that. Soon after the pitocin started, my dd's heart rate dropped and I was rushed to the OR, after given a shot to stop contractions. Luckily her heart rate went back up, and I was brought back to continue to labor, but at that point nothing was happening. My OB decided to do a c-section when the heart rate continued to fluctuate.


I guess my biggest emotion right now is fear. Thanks for reading if you did so!

I am sending you wonderful and peaceful pregnancy and birthing vibes! I can only imagine the fear that you must be enduring right now. It is completely normal and hopefully you can channel this fear and gain even more empowerment for your birth. You talked about blaming yourself for your c/s....I did that too...still do some days. But instead of focusing on blaming yourself really look at the situation. I mean, did you have any idea that you shouldn't just trust what the OBs and Med-pros say? Did you have any clue that their interventions often lead women to c-sections? The OB should take the blame for breaking your water when he shouldn't have. I made many of the same "mistakes" you mention and at least we now know the dangers of all the interventions they try to throw on you. It sounds like you have learned so much and that you are much better prepared for this birth. Don't let anyone try to take control of your birth. No two pregnancies or births are alike so you are not destined to the same outcome....you CAN have the birth you want!!!

Hugs,
Mandy
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#84 of 306 Old 04-16-2007, 08:13 PM
 
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thank you mandy! I'm copying your post and keeping it to read often!

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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#85 of 306 Old 04-16-2007, 10:21 PM
 
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One year ago I was almost due. I was feeling confident in my ability to birth a child, I was looking forward to the experience. Then I had the section. I really do think it was necessary, I just wish I would have known about spinning babies while I was pregnant, or before I was pregnant! I have had a lot of emotional healing over the past year, I finally fell in love with my baby, I'm finally adjusting to life with a babe, and she's almost a toddler now! I still physically hurt frequently. The scar, and my insides in my lower left quadrant hurt often. I am mostly very scared to have another baby. I always wanted a homebirth, but now I'm too afraid of one, and I wanted lots of kids, but I'm scared now of that too! We aren't TTC for another year or so, but I find myself planing my whole life around the VBAC, don't want to move until after we have another kid, don't know if I should start grad school or not, etc etc etc. DH is great and supportive, but he doesn't really get it, no one seems too! I'm so thankful for you ladies! I'm glad the thread got resurrected, I was thinking about it the other day!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#86 of 306 Old 04-16-2007, 10:29 PM
 
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subbing....hello ladies! i have had 3 sections and it sucks after i had my 2nd i was told no more due to scar tissue well i found another doctor and he told me it would be fine so i had #3 well after that he told me no more due to scar tissue i guess it is really bad..uterus adhered to bladder and bowel..i am devistated b/c dh adn i both wanted a big family...well here i am with 3 boys and i know i will want more..i cant even imagine having to be done...i think about it all the time..sections suck they sure dont tell you about all the problems that can come from habing them and that the # you can have willl be limited..the medical world is not ALWAYS right...
#1 was failure to progress and i didnt know any different i was forved into an unecessary c i think and then my hospital believes once a c always a c so theres 2 and 3...and i dont think i would have any chance of finding someone to let me VBAC3c...well thanks for listening..great thread!
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#87 of 306 Old 04-17-2007, 04:13 PM
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REading through this thread has shown me that I want/need some sort of healing ritual to begin. I know the whole process will probably take a long time, but I'm just not to sure where to start. Can anyone share their ideas/experience?
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#88 of 306 Old 04-18-2007, 01:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i was just working on this, so i'll jump in and address this one--

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkg View Post
REading through this thread has shown me that I want/need some sort of healing ritual to begin. I know the whole process will probably take a long time, but I'm just not to sure where to start. Can anyone share their ideas/experience?
rituals have been a huge help to me. i think figuring out the deepest source of your personal pain over the c-s stems from is the first step. i've got a year start on this, so this is my perspective....

for me, once i dig past all the "crap"-- emotions, feelings, guilt, all of it... i can analyze it and know that i really DO feel i did what i needed to do.... i can analyze it and know that thru my pg i did what i felt was best and right... and i was connected to my babe..... but still. i cant entirely shake the feeling that IF i was WOMAN enough... if i really was the goddess i've always attached to pregnancy and birth... then there would have been no way i would have ended up with a c-s. yeah, i get to that point and i just toss all the thinking and understanding out the window.

so, it seems to me, i need to find ways to believe that i AM that goddess-- and for me, that means i need to INCLUDE the c-s in my thinking of My Goddess.

i'm working on my treasure map right now, and it occured to me that i need to find a goddess for my central image.... i found one! i stumbled (ok, tracy would say i was led... if you're following the treasure mapping threads) across a deck of "goddess cards" and there was one image that just jumped out at me.... labeled the goddess of music, ritual, and healing.

i'm taking that as a sign.

hugs!!!
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#89 of 306 Old 04-18-2007, 02:07 PM
 
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One ritual type thing that really helped me was apologizing to DD for not having the perfect birth. I did it in the middle of the night while she was nursing, I cried a lot, but I really felt a lot better afterwards. I got that suggestion from earlier in the thread but it helped a lot!

Mama to Clara 5/2/06, & Anna 11/4/08 and wife to Dan 6/8/02
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#90 of 306 Old 04-18-2007, 02:42 PM
 
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Rambling...addressing many other posts, but not directly, as they're scattered over the thread. This may get long...I don't know.

I've had three c-sections:
1st - 1993, emergency for breech, after a little over 20 hours of labour - I'd had a perfect pregnancy, and it was a shock.
2nd - 2003, scheduled section after planning a VBAC...dd was footling at 39 weeks.
3rd - 2005, scheduled section after planning a VBA2C...doctor told me Monday that if I didn't agree to the section on Tuesday, he'd drop me as a patient. I was 41w, 5d.

Between ds1 and dd, I'd been trying to conceive for years...finally did when ds1 was 4. I miscarried. I got pregnant again 8 months later, and miscarried again. I separated from my ex and met dh...and had an "oops" pregnancy (was thrilled!)...and miscarried again.

I spent 10 years wondering why I didn't work anymore...wondering if something had gone wrong during my first surgery and nobody had told me...wondering if I'd ever have another baby.

When I had ds1, I saw him for about 30 seconds on a gurney in the hospital hallway. I was so doped on morphine that I hadn't even remembered being pregnant, had no idea why my stomach hurt so much and just couldn't take anything in. They wheeled me into the maternity ward, gave me a sleeping pill...and I finally got to see and nurse ds1 when he was about 13-14 hours old. They let me out of the hospital 5 days later, and I still don't think I'd entirely absorbed that I'd had a section. Maybe if I'd been conscious, it would have been different, but I really don't know.

By the time ds1 was about six weeks old, I was able to walk uphill back from the OB's office, so I guess my physical recovery was pretty good. It sure hurt like hell for the first few weeks, though. I'm still boggled when I hear women say it didn't hurt...just can't wrap my brain around it...

So...finally had dd. I went in for a checkup at 39 weeks, and was sent for an ultrasound, because my family doctor couldn't find her head. I went home from the ultrasound in tears, expecting hear from my doctor to discuss options (that's what she'd said when she booked the ultrasound). Instead, I was woken up the next morning - Thursday - by the consulting OB's office, telling me that my c-section had been scheduled for Friday, and giving me my "no food" instructions. I freaked...talked to the OB, demanded to speak to my family doctor - just went nuts. In the end, they wouldn't listen to me, and I caved in. I think 10 years of trying to have another baby had left me very susceptible to scare tactics and dead baby cards. All I really wanted was to wait until I went into labour naturally...

So - they took out dd. She couldn't nurse for the whole time we were at the hospital, because I wasn't producing anything...no milk, no colostrum - nada. She was starting to get something from me when we left the hospital after three days. She lost over a pound in hospital. She was NOT ready to be born...not even close. My body wasn't ready, either.

I remember that dh and I started doing a bit of light hiking in July of that year. DD arrived May 9, so I must have bounced back fast. I was stilll experiencing pain at one end of the incision into the new year, though.

So...then I had ds2. My doctors weren't supportive of a VBA2C, but the OB agreed to go along with it. Then, I went "post-dates". The u/s had given me a due date a week earlier than LMP, and I went 41w, 5d, by LMP. The pressure started at about 39 weeks. "What are you going to do if the baby isn't here by xxx date?", "Isn't that baby here yet?", etc., etc. It was a hellish pregnancy - full of stress and always fighting. I ended up caving in to a threat from the OB, and walked in for my scheduled section. I went into labour the night before, and hoped that the OB would agree to hold off. I should have just said "no"....

So, they cut another one out of me, while I sat there under that creepy spinal, feeling all those little "tugs" and wanting to puke. I wish dh could have been there for the "births" without me having to be conscious....as gross as general anesthetic is, I like it a lot better than a spinal....

Anyway - they stuck me in a room with a window, so the sun beat down on me all day, and I sweated like a pig. The nurses burst into my room every time it looked as though I might actually get some sleep. I twisted a staple, and tore my incision back open at one spot, and they almost kept me in the hospital for an extra day. The OB actually figured out that that would be a BAD idea. I was basically assaulted by a "lactation consultant". It was hell.

I went home, and spent most of my summer dressing my incision and putting fresh layers of prescription antibiotic ointments on it. It finally closed when ds2 was about 3 months old.

I'm numb from my navel to the end of my incision on the left side. I can only feel my bladder when it's full to the point of bursting. My pelvis is all screwed up and I'm only just starting to respond properly to sexual stimulation (took a long time to figure out what was what, as nothing feels right, anymore). After 21 months, I still can't isolate the muscles to do proper Kegels. I can do them, but I tense other muscles, as well. I think this is all the result of the nerve damage that killed a chunk of my abdomen.

It's all OKAY, though - I'm a "healthy" mom. I can't say what I think about my doctors - UA violation. I can't say what I think of me for going along with their crap, either. I hate it when someone gives me that bs about "you still gave birth" - gag, choke & puke. Suffice it to say, I'm angry, hurt, struggling with depression, and fed up with the whole thing. I think I'd rather die than go back to the hospital again - for anything. I'm pregnant, and planning a homebirth...and scared to death I'll wind up in that hellhole again. I'm a little like a previous poster (Kleine Hexe, maybe?) - except that I'm not stronger than I was...nowhere near. They broke me - and I helped.

I've been cut open three times. The only one I'll concede may have been necessary was dd...and they should have f***ing waited until I'd laboured.

With respect to scheduled sections vs. sections with labour. I've heard all the "it's an easier recovery" crap, too. Maybe it is for some people - maybe even most. There's no way I'd ever go for a section without labour again...not ever. DD's "birth" was the most sterile, soul-less fiasco I've ever been part of. My recovery wasn't great physically, sucked emotionally...and my little girl went through hell, because of my lack of guts.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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