any birthmoms in the forum? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 37 Old 01-06-2007, 05:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just wondering if there were other birthmoms on this forum, wether you have had more children or not, that would like to start a thread to chat. Sometimes I feel like it would be nice to talk with other birthmoms.

anyone interested?

Allyn birthmom to S 3/12/03, placed in open adoption 4/06, married to W 6/22/07, mama to H 2/5/08, mama to M 8/26/12.
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#2 of 37 Old 01-06-2007, 08:16 PM
 
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I've been a proud birthmom since August 06. I have a two year old daughter that lives with me. I'm not sure if I'll ever have anymore kids. If I were ever ready for that again, I'd want to adopt (if anyone would let me). But then that would feel kind of weird, yk? That's all years in the future anyway. However, if I somehow accidently got pregnant right now (which I will not) I'd probably place this baby as well since I'm in no condition or place in life to be raising a precious baby right now.

There's my intro/ramble. I don't hang out on this site much anymore. But I would love to chat with other birthmoms if there are any here, or even just you if you like.
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#3 of 37 Old 01-06-2007, 08:29 PM
 
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Hi!
I'm a birthmom!
When I was 18 I gave birth to my first child, a son. his name is Steven-Michael. He was born on August 28, 1989. I was single mother and Steven lived with me until I joined the Army. Steven went to live with my father and stepmother. When I returned his bond with my stepmother and father was incredible and I couldn't tear him away from the only stability he had known. he was legally adopted by them a year later. This was 17 years ago.

When I was 22 I gave birth two fraternal twins on march 17, 1993. The twins were adopted by wonderful people. The adoptive mother came to visit me often, accompanied me on OB visits and just was good friend. I was able to hold and cuddle my newborns for two days before I left the hospital. It was painful and heartwrenching. I felt dead inside, like someone had just cut them from my and I had this giant, irrepairable hole left in me. I still have the hole, but keep it well hidden. The twins names are Sage Cassidy (girl) and Sterling Hunter (boy). They were born 9 minutes apart at 2:54 a.m. and 3:03 a.m. respectfully.

I rarely tell anyone of my children. Most people that have not grown up with me know Steven as my brother.

I have recieved pictures of the twins, who are will be 14 years old in March. I do not know where the time has gone, but they will be old enough to contact me if they wish and though I have went through periods of time when I didn't want them to contact me, I am absolutely excited for the prospects of them contacting me.

Sage looks just like my sister, or did when I got the last picture at age 3. Same skin tone, wispy hair, and attitude.

Sterling is the spitting image of Steven, except with curly hair. It's amazing.

I have one daughter with my husband. She is 5, will be 6 in Febraury. She looks nothing like my other children, except sometimes I think she has their nose. I wonder if the universe did this so I wouldn't suffer more than needed, by having to look at my birth children when looking into the face of Kailey.

My heart aches when I think of them. So, I try not to think of them.

Kailey kowsshe has two brothers and a sister. She knows their names and we have pictures.

I long for her to meet them as we don't have any plans of having more children.

Thanks for this thread.
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#4 of 37 Old 01-06-2007, 08:31 PM
 
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Oh, if we ever did think of having mroe I would want to adopt as well. And I would want to adopt an older child and to me that is 4-5 years old.

Somehow adoption feels like the right thing to do since I gave precious gifts to others, ya know?
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#5 of 37 Old 01-06-2007, 08:46 PM
 
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Guess I could have shared more information about myself as well. Sometimes it just seems like everyone on mdc knows everything about me anyway. I was married at 18, had Zayla at age 20, then got pregnant with Marvel at age 22. We had almost placed Zayla for adoption, but then my husband freaked out last minute, so we raised her.

But when I got pregnant with Marvel, I just knew that I couldn't do it again (for a whole bunch of reasons). Her parents are actually mdc members. They met me before the birth, were there at the birth, and stayed with me a lot at the hospital. I see pictures of her often and chat with them online a lot. I know that I'm welcome to see her in person if I like. They are just so amazing and I feel so blessed that they are the ones raising my little girl.

I really have no regrets. Me and my husband have recently seperated and it makes me feel even more relieved to know that she's somewhere stable and full of love. She's where she needs to be and I couldn't feel better about it.

I also want to adopt an older child (a girl) should I decide to have more kids someday.

It's nice getting to know other birthmoms here.
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#6 of 37 Old 01-09-2007, 07:47 PM
 
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I am a birthmother also. I won't tell my story, because right now I'm in a crisis over it because of something wretched that my MIL said to me.

But anyway, yes, I am here.
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#7 of 37 Old 01-09-2007, 08:03 PM
 
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Amris,
Hello and welcome!
I am sorry you are have a stressful time regarding your birthmom status. My MIL has said some rotten things about my birth children as well, but I know it's HER problem and not mine.

She has called me a whore and that I didn't care about my birth children and that is why they were adopted. This couldn't be farther than the truth but I refused to justify her comments with a response. It's none of her business.

MIL found out about my birth children via an ex-roommate. I was under the impression that we were still good friends when I moved out to live with my husband. I guess my ex-roommate just liked to gossip. I trusted this woman and for a little bit was really sad. Of course knowing the truth about my own life is key No worries here.
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#8 of 37 Old 01-09-2007, 08:03 PM
 
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(((((amris)))))
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#9 of 37 Old 01-09-2007, 08:22 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
Amris,
Hello and welcome!
I am sorry you are have a stressful time regarding your birthmom status. My MIL has said some rotten things about my birth children as well, but I know it's HER problem and not mine.

She has called me a whore and that I didn't care about my birth children and that is why they were adopted. This couldn't be farther than the truth but I refused to justify her comments with a response. It's none of her business.

MIL found out about my birth children via an ex-roommate. I was under the impression that we were still good friends when I moved out to live with my husband. I guess my ex-roommate just liked to gossip. I trusted this woman and for a little bit was really sad. Of course knowing the truth about my own life is key No worries here.
It wasn't anything like that. She didn't say anything bad about me. It's hard to explain. Maybe if I just tell you what she said, you'll understand, as a fellow birthmother.

Just to give you background, she is an adoptee herself. She said to me, "Even all the other adoptees I've talked to say the same thing. Every adoptee knows they weren't wanted."

For me personally, nothing could be further from the truth. And I am wretched to think that the very reason I gave him up may be thwarted by "what every adoptee knows."

Long story, but suffice to say, I didn't want to give him up. I did it literally to keep him safe from being stolen from me and sold.

I realize that my anger is no doubt misplaced, but she knows I gave him up, she knows why, and yet she said that to me anyway. I opened up to her and told her how horribly hard it was, and how much I still ache (14 years later) and can't wait til he's 18 and I can contact him.

And she tells me that he wasn't wanted... WTHeck? I just wanted to call her the b-word and never go back to her house. I can't think of anything more hateful or hurtful being said to me since my ex-husband (abusive man) said to me, "what are you going to abandon me like you abandoned your son?"

Anyway, I am sorry your MIL was a b-word to you, too. *HUGS* for you!!

Thanks iamleabee for your hugs, too.

Thanks all for forgiving me for dumping like this. I'm extremely distressed about it, I've been crying daily since christmas, which was when she said it to me.
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#10 of 37 Old 01-09-2007, 10:36 PM
 
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Mama,
What your MIL was so insensitive and hateful. I am so sorry such negatively fell on your ears. We all have our very own intimate and personal reasons for letting go of our children, none of which include them "not being wanted- or loved".

It may be easier for her to deal with the knowledge tht she has grandchildren somewhere in the world (are they her grandkids- I may be assuming again, sorry in advance) by telling you that adoptees "know" they were not wanted than by just allowing herself to feel the loss or pain of it all.

That being said, my first born son may indeed feel as though I didn't want him because of things he has been told by my father (deceased) and my stepmother (who chose to end her ability to have children at a young age). I have always been the black sheep of the family and always lived outside of their prying eyes. I also was weak towards them, never standing up for myself, which ultimately led to my son being legally adopted by them. I was coerced into believing I would be a poor mother.

My twins however KNOW, I am sure, that they were loved and wanted by me. Their adoptive parents are wonderful people who will no doubt be honest with the children about the reason for their doption.

I too am looking forward to the day that they seek me out.

You are more than welcome to "dump" your feelings right here and I believe this was the purpose and intention of the OP.

Hugs,
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#11 of 37 Old 01-09-2007, 10:46 PM
 
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I am a BM, I had Bennett at 17 and he looks juts like me, very sweet and smart boy too! He turned 4 in November.

I now have a 2 year old Emma, and I may have another someday, you never know... I could be happy with Em, but I could love another baby someday
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#12 of 37 Old 01-09-2007, 11:56 PM
 
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No, thank god, he's not her grandchild. My new baby is her grandchild, though, and she's already made it clear that she will NOT listen to me with regards to any rules about her while she's at grandma's house.

I forsee a lot of fights in my and dh's future. I will find it hard after she gets to the solids stage to leave her at grandma's house. Because grandma wants to give her chocolate and various other extremely unhealthy foods.

So even as far as my current child goes, I'm nto very happy with MIL. But to say my son wasn't wanted... grrr, I can't even articulate it.
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#13 of 37 Old 01-10-2007, 12:40 AM
 
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subbing.

I will come back tomorrow and post my intro and chat.

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#14 of 37 Old 01-10-2007, 01:05 AM
 
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I'm very happy to meet you mamas and hope we can share our experiences, joys, sorrows, expectations, etc with each other. I've not talked about my birth children in any great detail with others who would understand giving birth and having nothing to show for it (in a physical sense).
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#15 of 37 Old 01-10-2007, 01:15 AM
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Hi there...

I'm a birthmom, too.

Had my oldest son at 18...and chose to parent him. But when I found out I was pregnant again when he was about 3, I really beat myself up and couldn't believe I'd gotten myself into that situation. I believed there was no way I could care for two small children, so I gave my 2nd child, a little girl, up for adoption.

When I gave birth to my 3rd child, another girl, I couldn't give her up. But I was riddled with guilt for "keeping this one, but giving the other away". So, I reached out to the adoptive family via the agency--it was a closed adoption to begin with. Over the years, the adoption has gradually opened up.

My birthdaughter turned 11 in December. I can hardly believe it. I haven't had contact with her family in a few years.

I have thought of reaching out to them again, to update them on our family situation--I've gotten married in the last two years and I'm almost 5 months pregnant with my fourth child...my intentional pregnancy with a child desperately wanted by her father.

Sometimes it's hard to think about, but for the most part, I am absolutely sure I did the best thing for my kids at the time...and that's all we can do, right? The best we know how to do until we learn how to do better.
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#16 of 37 Old 01-12-2007, 03:13 PM
 
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I'm a birthmom, too. I got pregnant half-way through college. The guy was an on-again, off-again relationship, and we had no plans to be with each other in the future. Plus, he denied being the father! We didn't get a paternity test done, but since I named him as the father, he signed a paper that said (basically), "I'm not the father, but if I was, I am giving up my parental rights." Sweet, huh?

Anyway, I gave birth to Adam 6 days after my 21st birthday. His 16th birthday is near the end of this month. I have a pretty open relationship with his parents. We used to write each other frequently. But as Adam has gotten older, there has been much less communication on my part. His mother actually called me after 9/11 (I was in NYC at the time and they live near Boston) to make sure I was okay.

I'm thinking of writing him a letter for his birthday. I now have 5-year-old twin girls and have been married for almost 11 years. I don't know how he'll feel about getting a letter from me after all these years. I'll actually send it to his parents and let them decide.

Anyway, it's always "nice" to be able to talk about this with other birthmoms. No one else can ever really know what it is like.

Best wishes to you all!

Julie, mom to my beautiful twin girls twins.gif

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#17 of 37 Old 01-18-2007, 05:47 PM
 
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I'm a birthmom! I had a baby that at 17 that I placed for adoption. I met the family when I was still pregnant. It was their first (which I wanted him to be!) and they have since adopted another child (girl) as well. He is now 6, and the adoption is open. I used to live only 2 hours from them, but I moved, so I'm now 4 hours away. The last 2.5 years, I've only seen him 3 times. But they send me pictures, we e-mail, and I can call whenever I want. I picked the best family!! I have since had another baby (girl) who is now 2. (They have different "sperm donors") I am a single mom. I tell you, I was with my daughter's father for a little while while pregnant, and everything I read about after birth (first bath, first outfit, first diaper, etc etc) *I* wanted to do!! I didn't want to share!! Now I don't have to if I don't want to! (Although, because I had general anestesia (sp) with my daughter, my mom put her first diaper on!)

Neither biological "father" has met my children.

My daughter has met her brother, and we have a couple pictures. But I haven't really explained it to her yet. I WANT to, but I just don't know how. I'm hoping to call an adoption agency sometime relatively soon and talk to a birthparent counselor. Hopefully, they'll have some information on what to tell my daughter. My son and his other sister already know more about it, but they are 6 and 5.

Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions!
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#18 of 37 Old 01-18-2007, 07:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow I am so excited that this thread got some much attention. i never knew how many birthmoms were out there.

There are some very heartbreaking stories...Amris, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Adoption was so much different back then and now children do not grow up thinking they were not wanted, at least for the most part. That was so aweful of her to say. (((hugs)))

I am also glad to see that others went on to have more children or adopt. My fiance and I do not know if we are going to have children, as of right now we know that it would not be a good choice. When I went through my placement I always felt that if I placed my dd I did not have the right to have more children, the adoption counselor and my step mother reassured me I did have the right to have more children. My stepmother placed a child for adoption some 22 years ago and has never heard from them.

I suppose I should actually give a little insite to my story. I am a birthmother...I gave birth to my bd march 2003 when I was 21 almost 22. I lived with my best friend and my mother over the next four years but it was never enough. Living with my mother was not fun b/c we did not agree on a lot of things. I had been on and off welfare and did not want to be on anymore. I moved from NC to MA several times and decided this was no life for my wonderful little girl who showed the stress in her behavior. I posted an update but this has been the best decision for both of us. We are both doing great.

I do hope to have another child when i am in my 30s but I am still not sure I am cut out to be a mom. although I loved it...i heard someone on Bringing Baby Home yesterday say..."it's hasn't been fun, but no one said it would be fun, it's joyful but not always fun" and that is so true. My fiance does not understand children or the want to have a big family, but he may change his mind...actually I think it is a money issue with him.

anyway...look forward to this thread going on and sharing and dumping all we want.

Allyn birthmom to S 3/12/03, placed in open adoption 4/06, married to W 6/22/07, mama to H 2/5/08, mama to M 8/26/12.
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#19 of 37 Old 02-02-2007, 10:18 PM
 
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I'm a birthmom! I had a baby boy in October 1998. He was 4 months old when I placed him for adoption, I was 17. There were many reasons behind my decision, and I feel it was best. It was hard for a long time but we still got pictures until he was two. We had agreed to 8, but the parents thought we should "be over it" is what we were told by the adoption agency. I have issues with that. I know he is happy, and loved but I don't appreciate the treatment in the end. Anyway, off topic. So yes, I am a birth mom. He turned 8 this year.

I married his father, had two more kids and got divorced. I am now married to an awesome guy who loves my kids as his own and is their "dad", and we have one baby together. I hope to have one more some day.

Kim, Wife to Michael, Homeschooling Mom to Hannah (14), Aidan (12), Brighton (9), and Oliver (6) and Ephraim (3) 
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#20 of 37 Old 02-18-2007, 01:09 PM
 
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i'm a birthmom. my first child was born when i was 18 and i chose open adoption for him. he just turned 14 (holy cow!) and i have seen him 3 times since he was born. no regrets, absolutely none. i don't know if he'll seek me out in the future or not... i will leave that up to him as i don't want to intrude upon his life.
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#21 of 37 Old 02-18-2007, 01:23 PM
 
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It was hard for a long time but we still got pictures until he was two. We had agreed to 8, but the parents thought we should "be over it" is what we were told by the adoption agency. I have issues with that.
That happens so often it seems and I'm so sorry. It makes my heart sick for the birth moms who end up being treated that way after giving the adoptive parent such a blessing.

I'm in kind of the opposite situation. I'd actually like less contact with my adoptive family. They're the coolest people ever, but sometimes hearing from them just reminds me that I'm not a great mom. They're doing and providing so much more for my daughter than I ever could have. It makes me think about my two year old (who is still with me) and I feel like I'm cheating her now because she doesn't have things even half as good as her sister does. I'm not just talking about stuff that costs money either.

Though when my birth daughter is older, I'll always be available for her. I just doubt that she'll ever really be that interested in me.
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#22 of 37 Old 02-18-2007, 08:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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"They're the coolest people ever, but sometimes hearing from them just reminds me that I'm not a great mom. They're doing and providing so much more for my daughter than I ever could have"

I feel this way all the time. I have the openess to call whenever I like and you would think I would take them up on this but I do not. I have been missing her a lot so it is hard to pick up the phone. I do not want her to think I did not care or love her. My family is so good at writing her letters and I am not good at those things. I think I will call her on her birthday in March.


Other than that...how is everyone doing?

Allyn birthmom to S 3/12/03, placed in open adoption 4/06, married to W 6/22/07, mama to H 2/5/08, mama to M 8/26/12.
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#23 of 37 Old 02-18-2007, 09:17 PM
 
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I'm doing a lot better, personally. I've come to the point where I feel like, even if he does feel that way, when he's 18, he'll have the chance to hear that he's loved and very dear to me.

I am working hard on forgiving the adoptive parents for screwing me on the open adoption (they 'change their minds'), and forgiving myself for giving my child to liars.

Some days, I manage it. Some days, I don't. To be expected, methinks.
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#24 of 37 Old 05-21-2007, 03:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey I was wondering...1)if any of you ladies have other children after you placed and 2)how long did you wait to have more kids?

Just curious

Allyn birthmom to S 3/12/03, placed in open adoption 4/06, married to W 6/22/07, mama to H 2/5/08, mama to M 8/26/12.
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#25 of 37 Old 05-21-2007, 08:36 PM
 
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I am working hard on forgiving the adoptive parents for screwing me on the open adoption (they 'change their minds'), and forgiving myself for giving my child to liars.


Me too.

Kim, Wife to Michael, Homeschooling Mom to Hannah (14), Aidan (12), Brighton (9), and Oliver (6) and Ephraim (3) 
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#26 of 37 Old 05-21-2007, 11:00 PM
 
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I read somewhere once that about 90% of birthmoms get pregnant again with in a year after placing their babies. Not sure how true that is, but I thought it was interesting.

I knew darn well that would never be me. But now my birth daughter is nine months and I find myself wanting to be pregnant again. I don't even have a husband anymore or a steady boyfriend but I have a bad case of baby fever going on right now. I do know deep inside that getting pregnant now would not be a great idea. I'm doing better in life than I was nine months ago, but not good enough to be planning for any kids.

Before planning for more kids just make sure that you're really doing it for the right reasons. You placed your daughter for a bunch of reasons. It would probably be best to make sure that you've done and finishd at least most of what you set out to do when you placed her (finish school, working at a good job, or whatever your goals were). Otherwise you could end up in another bad situation all over again.

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#27 of 37 Old 05-22-2007, 04:28 PM
 
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Hey I was wondering...1)if any of you ladies have other children after you placed and 2)how long did you wait to have more kids?

Just curious
I had a daughter 6 months ago... after 13 years of TTC (well, 12 years, I waited a year before even TTC).

In fact, I was ready to give up. I had decided in Jan to do the hysterectomy at last if it were still possible, and I got preg. in Feb.

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Originally Posted by Kimmiepie View Post
Me too.
It's so hard, so hard.

I want to forgive them for my son's sake. When I meet him, I don't want him to feel and hear my anger towards them.
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#28 of 37 Old 05-22-2007, 05:09 PM
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#29 of 37 Old 05-22-2007, 09:11 PM
 
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#30 of 37 Old 05-22-2007, 09:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by savannahmomi View Post
Hey I was wondering...1)if any of you ladies have other children after you placed and 2)how long did you wait to have more kids?

Just curious

My daughter is 4 years and change younger than my son. I was pregnant previous and due when my son would have been about 18 months, but I had a miscarriage.

I always wanted children, and I wanted my son. But I just wasn't in a good relationship or place in my life at the time. My daughter didn't come from the best relationship either, but I'm in a better place in my life.
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