40 day meditation, need reinforcement - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 108 Old 06-13-2003, 12:45 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
hey faerie thanks for the post. Yes, go to the golden bridge site LJM. I studied with Gurmukh for nine months during pregnancy and she is a great teacher. You can always get your own meditation from her - it tells you how to do it on the site.

Well I'm going into a crazy phase for the next few days. When I shoot (work) I do it on the weekend and it is all consuming in addition to baby and in addition to the full moon and the lover coming home tomorrow morning and expecting to spend the weekend together. I am concerned I will lose my 17 days!!!

Root for me! I'll try to come in - baby needs bath now!

See you soon!
oatmeal is offline  
#62 of 108 Old 06-13-2003, 01:10 AM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh no you don't! Only postitive thoughts! "I will make it through the busy weekend."

BTW, my yoga was weird. I had that "I'm doing yoga" feeling like you mentioned faeriemom than became very aware of low back pain. : Wasn't a great experience. I felt very aware of my limitations the whole time and I finally packed it in and went to nap with the baby! I guess since it was such a last minute thought, my "presence" wasn't there fully.

Thanks for the thoughts and info ladies! And no faeriemom you don't ramble!

Type again tomorrow!

How old is your baby oatmeal?? Mine just turned a year!! (obviously...hehe )
Gemini is offline  
#63 of 108 Old 06-13-2003, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi LJM my baby is 16 months and GORGEOUS! I love her 7 million tons worth!!

day 18. Not much to tell.

I was happy to see in the midst of my chaos I protectively and agressively forced myself to go honor my 18th day and not lose my time again.

Today would have been the perfect day to blow it off. Life is insane.

Havea great weekend!!!
oatmeal is offline  
#64 of 108 Old 06-16-2003, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So I think Friday was day 18. I was crazed all weekend and we didn't come home until this morning and I kind of lost track here.

I did days 19 and 20 but very loosely because I was completely wiped out both times at the end of very long work days. There is little report other than that. I simply kept my day count pretty much.

I hope to be more invested in this morning's meditation... almost half way there...
oatmeal is offline  
#65 of 108 Old 06-16-2003, 02:30 PM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yay! Glad you got through it. I figured you were still doing them and just had a crazy busy weekend.

Your dd is at a great age! I always said I loved every stage as my first dd grew, and now my baby is over a year! I just love it too!
Gemini is offline  
#66 of 108 Old 06-16-2003, 05:03 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 21. A lot of loose thoughts then at minute 8-9 I started clock watching, getting impatient and sort of feeling annoyed that I was "stuck" doing the meditation... interesting.

Energy work was fine - nothing amazing to really report -
oatmeal is offline  
#67 of 108 Old 06-16-2003, 11:46 PM
 
faeriemom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 541
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oatmeal, you're on a roll now! You're going to make it to 40!! I just know it!

BTW, I've been doing my meditation as well. Haven't had any insights during meditation, but I did have a really strange, personal epiphany today that I think was released from my subconscious because of the meditation....

Ok, I have some anger inside of me. No one really knows this, because the outer me is very calm and patient and soft. But inside of me (not all the time, but often) I'm a whirling mess. I've tried to uncover where the anger comes from for years. I had a difficult childhood, but I've honestly come to terms with that and don't feel any pain or anger about it anymore. I also do not feel anger about my current life....I love my husband and son, I'm living a life that is spiritually and emotionally fulfilling, etc....so for years I've tried to get to the root of where my sadness and anger comes from, with no luck.

But, today as I sat quietly in the dark (the lights were out because of a thunderstorm), I flashed back to my teenage years. It wasn't even a flashback really....I was just suddenly that 16 year old girl again. I was that girl sitting in this strange living room with this almost-six-year-old boy sitting on the floor playing. It was as if I had time traveled. And you know what? That sixteen year old me was angry. For no apparent reason, I was suddenly tight chested with anger.

Then almost as quickly as it had come, it was gone. I was me again. The living room was my living room, the boy was once again my son. Now, don't get me wrong....I didn't not know that it was my home and my son....I didn't blank out or anything. It's just in that moment I was 16 and felt totally out of place.

I know this probably doesn't make any sense! But it helped me see that the anger I have stems from something in my teen years. Oddly, I've never even thought about that before. I always assumed it must have something to do with my younger years, but now I really think I know when it started. I don't yet know why it started, but I think I'm going to figure that out soon. I feel really good about this discovery. I was a very angry and hurt teenager for some reason, and my subconscious hasn't been able to let that go even though my life, my self, and my situation has changed drastically since then. I also feel like there's something that is buried in my memory somewhere, something I've blocked. But I feel it opening now.

Hope you don't mind me sharing this. I really feel like the meditation has loosened me up somehow, so that this realization could come to the surface. I also feel very positive about all of this! It's really momentous for me because whatever it is that I haven't been able to uncover all these years, has kept me from fully living in the moment. I want to know where the anger started and why. What was it that hurt me so badly that I haven't been able to move past it? I think the meditation will help me clear all of that out!

I'm going to talk to my teacher about it too....but in the meantime, thanks for letting me express all of that!

Needless to say, I'll be back on the mat tomorrow!

faerie

P.S. LJM -- how's your yoga going? Were you able to practice over the weekend?
faeriemom is offline  
#68 of 108 Old 06-17-2003, 12:11 AM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ugh...: thanks for asking...

Remember me mentioning the low back pain I felt?? Well, on Saturday night,Sunday morning I ended up with a pinched nerve! It hurt to lay on my side and it hurt to get up out of bed. It would get a little better throughout the day, but if I stepped wrong, it would hurt again. It still hurt today, but I went to Half Price Books and it let loose there! But the low back pain is still there...:

So, I guess I overdid it with the yoga. I guess I need to ease into it better, but I thought I did! I'll do less next time.

Hey guess what?! I am on this email list for the Minnesota Birth Network (I'm a doula) and I get this email today about Golden Bridge stuff!! Let me quote the email so you two can see! (I'm so excited!)

Quote:
I wanted to share with you all this great program we have started at the Center for Happiness in Minneapolis. If any of you are familiar with Gurmukh's work with the Khalsa Way at Golden Bridge in LA, or hew New Method Pre and Post Natal yoga videos, you know what this is all about. The center director, Helena has trained extensively with her, and I have been training with Helena for a few years. I hope to spend some time with Gurmukh in the spring as well. Here's the info on our pre and postnatal yoga classes...your first class is always free, so come try it out...I really think you'll like it...hope you find the info useful anyway!
Neat huh?? I can get the info you're talking about with someone around here (I'll still want to talk to you gals too!)! I'll try to go to some of their yoga classes to ease into it and then get info about meditation. We'll see what my and my hubby's schedule will permit!

Thanks for sharing your experience Faeriemom! I think it's important to share that stuff! Very interesting! I'm curious what the future will reveal for you. Keep sharing!

Oatmeal...21 days!! Three weeks! Yes!!!! Over half way!!
Gemini is offline  
#69 of 108 Old 06-17-2003, 12:20 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Faeriemom, you are getting what I wanted to get from my meditation! An insight, a clue, a path to something. I so relate to the whirling thing inside - and everyone thinks I am so in control.
I wanted my mediation to open somethoing, move something, change something - or just show something, and it seems to be doing absolutely nothing!!

So congratulations to you and keep it up. Thanks for sharing your experience so much!

LJ< sorry about your back - that's gotta suck!
oatmeal is offline  
#70 of 108 Old 06-17-2003, 11:31 AM
 
faeriemom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 541
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Don't give up yet Oatmeal. Your meditation could open things up for you at any time. You know, I've only been doing this particular meditation for a week or so now (and I started it for other reasons, not the anger issue), but I've acutally had a regular spiritual practice for over a year and have been studying yoga for five years. Plus, just a couple months ago I did a weekend intensive that was very intense (!), with a lot of meditation and energy work that really opened me up. So, it's about time I started seeing some progress!! It took me this long just to get to the realization I came to yesterday. It's slow work sometimes, but totally worth it.

In your posts, you really come across as someone who is growing and learning (about yourself). Maybe there's more insight and change there than you are able to realize yet. Or maybe it's so subtle you just haven't been able to see it yet....like one of those 3D pictures that you can look at for hours and then finally your eyes adjust and there it is -- a hidden picture.

In regards to my moment of realization yesterday -- I've probably had that happen a million times, but never noticed it before. It's just that yesterday the time was right and my mind was quiet enough to really observe it and realize what I was looking at.

Don't give up!

LJM -- I think it's wonderful how the universe unfolds sometimes! It's synchronicity that Golden Bridge-style yoga classes are now being offered in your area, and that you got the email about it.

If Oatmeal had never posted about her meditation, if you hadn't logged in and checked out what she was posting about and then stuck around to find out more about it....that email may not have made much of an impression. But check out how it all comes together! You've been hearing about Gurmukh and Golden Bridge for weeks now, you've made an effort to start a regular yoga practice, and suddenly this opportunity arises. Too sweet to be just a coincidence! I love when things like this happen! I hope you get to go to classes there. Post and let us know what you think.

faerie

P.S. I'm sorry my posts are always so long. I think I should make an effort to not always write so much.
faeriemom is offline  
#71 of 108 Old 06-17-2003, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 22

Very tough emotionally this meditation. There could be many reasons - I don't know why I can't pinpoint it.

Had a tough time with the guy over the weekend and we are in a weird limbo state

This morning dd melted down while I was trying to work and it gave me a ferocious knot in my stomach which is still there - again not sure if it's DD's screaming or the guy thing

This morning when I woke up I had to confront some issues in my business that are draining much needed money from me and that gave me a knot in my stomach. I worry about being destitute with DD.

At minute 9 of the meditation after feeling quite solid I just started to cry. I felt desolate. I felt very sad. No insight as to why.

I could not do the energy work because of the incredible sad knot in my stomach. I am wondering if the guy has made a decision about us and I am feeling it intuitively. Or if I am fabricating. Or if I am being hormonal and it's all fabrication. My period is due in 3 days.

As faerie put it, I am all whirling inside and it feels very bad today...
oatmeal is offline  
#72 of 108 Old 06-18-2003, 07:39 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 23

A miracle I got it done today with my obssesive and unhealhty mental state over the guy and his ex. Man am I suffering. I do not know if I am causing my suffering or if the situation is at this point, all I know is I am in a terrible emotional place which made it very hard to settle down.

Meditation was vaguely calming, ended without incident and I did the energy work.

That was it -
oatmeal is offline  
#73 of 108 Old 06-18-2003, 10:00 PM
 
L.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In my house
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oatmeal~
Maybe this meditation will help you work through these issues with the boyfriend. Maybe that's why it's happening all at the same time. It seems like when we have issues that we need to really work through they have a way of whacking us in the face. (I know that doesn't make it easier). Just thought maybe the meditation will be able to provide you with more clarity on this issue.
Love & peace to you ~ L.J.
L.J. is offline  
#74 of 108 Old 06-19-2003, 12:33 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you for your kind words, LJ.

I don't know if the meditation is tied to the guy situation, but the pain is giving me some insights into myself. The pain is also tiring me out, which in turn is starting to take the kick out of the obsession. Tonight he wanted me to come play tennis with him (which I hate) and when I said I couldn't (because he wanted to do it right at DD's dinner time) he said ok he would call some girlfriends to come over and play with him. I got off the phone thinking I couldn't care less if he called over 3 playboy bunnies and his ex for a naked fondue party after which the ex and he would ride off into the sunset to get married. Believe it or not that's growth. I actually had a moment where I just didn't think he was anything at all, even less than anything for making the mean comment in the first place. Perhaps I am getting wise despite myself.
oatmeal is offline  
#75 of 108 Old 06-19-2003, 01:41 AM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oatmeal~I'm sorry things have been tough for you these last few days.

Know that I'm rootin' for you over here!

You're doing so good for yourself and everything around you seems to be doing the opposite. Maybe that is your challenge these tough days is *simply* to get through your meditations. At least, you can feel good about that. What would you feel if it messed up now?? You'd feel failure at best, but you know what?? You're succeding! Take victories no matter how small.

Whatever the situation is happening with your guy, you're staying on top of your mediations. You're being forced to pay attention to yourself, even if for a mere eleven minutes. I think that's marvelous! But, I know you're hurting and in turmoil, and I'm sorry.

Quote:
The pain is also tiring me out, which in turn is starting to take the kick out of the obsession.
I think this is neat that you have pin-pointed the feelings associated with this. I have a very hard time *naming* my feelings. You read yourself very well and man, is that important to personal growth for sure!

Til tomorrow...
Gemini is offline  
#76 of 108 Old 06-19-2003, 10:17 AM
 
faeriemom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 541
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oatmeal -- I'm sorry you're having so much trouble right now. I think LJM's right about the issue with your guy being connected to your meditation, in that the growth you're experiencing from your meditation and energy work could be heightening your insight & emotions regarding that situation.

What a mean thing he said. I can't believe he'd say that to you after you've told him how you feel.

One thing that came to me as I read your posts yesterday was that a lot of the pain you're feeling in your relationship could be caused by attachment. It's often easier said than done, but by not attaching yourself to any specific outcome (i.e. wanting him to choose you over his ex), and just opening up and letting whatever happens, happen....you release a lot of the pain. If you just focus on living in each moment and doing what's best for YOU, without attaching to a particular outcome for the situation, you might find a little more peace. I feel like that's what happened in that moment when you didn't want to play tennis....when you hung up the phone with him you didn't care what he did and who he did it with.....that was a moment of letting go of your attachment to the situation.

I don't know if I'm saying all this very clearly, so I want to clarify that I'm NOT suggesting that you shouldn't love him or try to work on the relationship. And I'm not saying to let him do whatever he wants. I'm just saying be open to whatever will come. If he's hurting you and you've had enough, walk away. If you feel it's worth working out, then try to work it out. But don't be too attached to any one resolution of all this. Let it unfold as it's supposed to unfold.

I agree that you are very good at reading yourself, and I'm so glad you're still doing the meditation and energy work. I think you're gaining a lot of insight into what you need and want in your life. Even though you're going through difficulties right now, I know you'll come through stronger and happier.

faerie
faeriemom is offline  
#77 of 108 Old 06-19-2003, 06:10 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 24

Thanks you guys for your encouraging words re: the guy and my logjam about it. I truly feel like I'm whining too much and staying stuck in the problem, and that I must certainly sound that way, so I am appreciating that you all don't just get fed up with the patheticness of me right now!!!

Today's experience was intersting. The morning started and I was feeling happy and productive, getting baby ready for playgroup and me ready for my morning ride. On the way to drop at playgroup, guy called. We exchanged pleasantries and everything seemd ok then I mentioned I'd need to get a sitter if we were having our date tomorrow night -to which he said I should get the sitter. then he asks me where I want to go for dinner. I mention a place where everyone has gone - that I am really interested and would love to go there - then he quashes it - says he's been there and would rather not. (it's a popular place right now and i have heard the food is great - whatever) - so he asks me where else and i say one other place that used to be a favorite of mine where I haven't been in a long itme. I say how much I'd love to go there instead, and again he quashes it. So I say whatever, and let's go where ever he wants and I have nothing further to say. He tries to get me to say another place and I say I have none in mind and don't have time to think about it and that he's in charge - and I need to go (because I can hear he's getting obstinate) because I don't have time to go around the bush again about it. When we hang up, once again I'm feeling like he's treating me like crap. There is a resentment building because of my chosen compromise on the ex, I realize it. He calls me back again to tell me I am being "hard". I say ok and get off the phone as quickly as possible.

then I go riding and the horse, my dear friend and loved one who I always get on great with, is being the hugest brat and just fights me the whole way out. At one point he breaks into a run then slams on the brakes and drops his head forward to the ground to try and throw me off. I struggle with him all the way back to the barn.

(this is leading somewhere I promise!)
Then I sit by the stream and do the meditation. First it's the guy and our morning clash. Then the ex - I am thinking they are sitting at that moment in his office together doing whatever mindgames they have going together - then I start thinking of the horse and why he was being that way - then I go into a scenario with a client I have been struggling with since January - totally out of nowhere. Then I am thinking of myself as the hub for all this. Usually I will blame myself - I have already started thinking I am too much of a Diva and expect too much from people and I am being hard on the guy - and am probably sabotaging something. But I start just dispassionately thinking about me as the center of the problems and a word come to my mind "conflict".

Conflict. Like a sign in bright lights. Not unlike faerie's experiecne where she had the vision and then it just as quickly disappeared without much explanation. Conflict.

Then I look at the clock and it was minute 9. I closed my eyes again and felt that the tension and anger in my stomach had disappated after I saw the word. I kept meditating and no longer thought about any of the prior problems. I heard the stream running. Then I opened my eyes again and it was the last minute and I watched the stream flowing past as I finished.

I don't know what the word conflict is trying to tell me. Is it about me? About situations? I am wondering how the horse figures in - and i do believe he has something to do with the lesson because I had a vivid dream last night that he threw me off. He has never resisted me before.

I don't know what it means. I don't know my responsibility in all the discord. Am I making it up about the guy? Am I fabricating conflict?

If so why does it hurt so much when I have to face his reality with the ex? I wonder if I am making everything up and I'm crazy. I am awash with ambivalence at whether I should apologize to him or keep my distance. The distance feels better but i feel guilty becuse he said I was "hard". I am feeling a lot of ambivalence over even seeing him tomorrow.

Anyway - interesting thoughts and situation today...

To be continued I'm sure.
oatmeal is offline  
#78 of 108 Old 06-20-2003, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 25

Less charged - kind of back to normal on the non-eventful meditation. Did the energy work.

Appears relationship/90 day pact is over with the guy and I am strangely at peace. (He canceled our date to night at the last minute to go ot the Opera without me instead... and has no plans to see me again) A few past events - positive ones - darted in and out of my mind during the meditation. After meditation I am feeling kind of nothing and once in awhile I when I think of never seeing him again and get a brief pang - once realized I am 36 this year and had a momentary attack of anxiety that I will never have more kids - but it went away fast.

I hope this is the worst of it... Cross your fingers for me gals!

Have a great weekend. I am working again and i think going to Palm Springs on Sunday, so may not report until Mon...

ciao
oatmeal is offline  
#79 of 108 Old 06-20-2003, 11:07 PM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi Oatmeal~

Glad to know your doing better and are dealing with things on a more even keel.

Hope you have a nice weekend!

LJM

(sorry, I'm feeling very uninspired today, hence the short post, but just wanted you to know I'm still here! )
Gemini is offline  
#80 of 108 Old 06-21-2003, 06:02 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 26

thanks LJM. I sometimes feel I am in here reporting to myself!

Today's meditation was a clock watcher. Not much happened. I noticed a feeling of real absence in it - like the essence of the guy is gone, the essence of whatever magical feeling was there has disappeared. Like someone has left and is gone for good. I also felt my own power coming back in. When I opened my eyes and looked around my livingroom it seemed like order had been restored, like things were back the way they were before - whether that is good or bad (the way things were before-guy) I don't know.

Now I am off to work -
oatmeal is offline  
#81 of 108 Old 06-21-2003, 07:42 PM
 
L.J.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In my house
Posts: 2,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow -- you're doing great. Keep up the good work. Growth usually involves work so keep moving forward.
L.J. is offline  
#82 of 108 Old 06-21-2003, 10:25 PM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I think that is good! You're still a whole person without this guy!

This week has been not great. That back pain has been taking over things lately. It's slowly getting better, but not fast enough for me. I have been miserable at best on some days, and now I can do more but am still limited. *sigh* Hard to pick up 22 pound momma's girl. :

I hope the rest of your weekend is good...
Gemini is offline  
#83 of 108 Old 06-22-2003, 11:15 AM
 
faeriemom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 541
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oatmeal -- you sound so at peace. There's a real calmness in your posts that wasn't there before. Do you think the resolution of your guy problem is helping you feel more centered? Or is it the meditation that's helping you feel ok about everything? Or maybe a little of both? I'm just curious.

I still think you're doing great with the 40 days. You're almost done now. The last time you started it you really struggled, but this time your working right though it even when you've had a lot of emotional stuff to deal with. You should be proud of yourself.

When the 40 days are up will you continue with the meditation, or is that it? If you don't continue with this particular meditation, will you do another type of meditation every day?

BTW, you're not just reporting to yourself in here! I think a lot of people are looking at this thread and just don't want to post anything. And I log on everyday to read what you post, even if I don't have time to respond at that moment. We're all behind you in this and want you to get to Day 40 (and beyond)!

LJM -- I'm sorry to hear your back is still bothering you. Have you seen anyone about it? A chiropractor maybe? Make sure you take care of it and try not to stress it anymore than it already is (I know, it's easier said than done when you've got small kids....). Hope you feel better soon.

faerie
faeriemom is offline  
#84 of 108 Old 06-24-2003, 04:00 AM
 
MamaMichelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Concord, CA
Posts: 26
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I hate to jump in here - I feel like an intruder.

But I wanted to post my encouragement to Oatmeal. You've been going through such a difficult time emotionally and your commitment to the 40-day meditation is inspiring. I just found this thread today but I am rooting for you and will continue to check back and see how you're doing.

I'm considering beginning my own 40-day meditation. The concept is intruiging. Meditation makes me uncomfortable. Once I get past the initial mind wanderings, leg shifting and really focus inward, when I reach that place of emptiness, clearness, nothingness (and believe me, it doesn't happen that often for me) - but when I do get there, I realize it an instant later and it makes me want to jump up and scream and shake my body out. I've never committed to meditation becasue of this. It's obvious that my uncomfortable feelings are because I am resisting the change... Anyway, thank you for your inspiration Oatmeal.
MamaMichelle is offline  
#85 of 108 Old 06-24-2003, 04:17 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi all

Last night would have been 27 and tonight 28. Both were done at night in that half-sleep stupor I'm afraid so little was possible in the cosmic realization department - but at least I did the days. It's weird thinking about when it's over now. I feel like I am approaching high school graduation and that I am losing some big part of myself when it ends! I want to go on and deepen my meditation and go to the next level. Maybe I will call Gurmukh and see if that's the thing to do or not...

I do not htink I have changed much in this meditation time. I do not sense any deep insights yet. I guess it is not over yet...

Thanks to all for your replies it means a lot.
oatmeal is offline  
#86 of 108 Old 06-24-2003, 03:10 PM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Welcome MamaMichelle!

Glad to hear you got through your mediations these last couple of days. (I was ready to poke my in and say "hello?")

Maybe it would be a good idea to get a hold of your teacher to see what can be done for the remaining 12 days. I can see your frustration with the 'lack of insight' right now. Wish I could be of more help.

(By the way...my back is FINALLY getting better, I'm not anymore and am feeling improvement. It's been a tough week cuz of my dang back.)

Anywho...care on...
Gemini is offline  
#87 of 108 Old 06-24-2003, 09:41 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 29

Really exhausted and worn out today. I over meditated by a minute becuse I didn't open my eyes to check time. Once again no great insights.

I didn't know if it was because of a consciousness change or tiredness this morning - but I had to go to small claims court. I was waiting out in the hall with the baby and people were out there arguing about their problems. I found the conflict and the arguing into the core of my bones. It was really painful and ugly and I wanted to run from the building and never come back. I saw that it was all basically lies -from every standpoint, people being dishonest with each other over petty issues, people prolonging pain, making pain, where there didn't need to be any. I wanted to run from the building so much - it was so upsetting to my core. In the past I think I would have had little reaction to any of it and would probably have just been tuned out.

Thanks for letting me share.
oatmeal is offline  
#88 of 108 Old 06-24-2003, 10:33 PM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hmm...maybe the insights aren't *in* the meditations, maybe it's the awareness your gaining outside of the meditation. It may be transforming you in a way to affect you in your day to day life, not just within the meditation. Make any sense?? Just a thought.

Gemini is offline  
#89 of 108 Old 06-25-2003, 05:43 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
oatmeal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
Posts: 1,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Day 30

I think the meditation - the mantra part and mudra part, do some kind of work separately than from what I can cognate. Today my heart started racing when I began to meditae and I became very short of breath and I felt that was directly because of the mantra. It was tough to get to the end and I just laid in child's pose afterwards in order to catch my breath. I had no coffee or any other reason to have a heart racing episode like that - wasn't thinking any particular scary thoughts.

I am curious to this reaction.
oatmeal is offline  
#90 of 108 Old 06-26-2003, 12:51 AM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
All I can say is wow....

I'm curious too!
Gemini is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off