Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: proud mama land
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I am in a spin over life and over missing the meditation. I realized today how hard things have gotten in the past month in my life. I thought the time in the first year of DD's life was hard, doing it alone, but I realize now that the simplicity of just getting up, caring for her, and going back to bed again had its own beauty. Trying to rise higher, trying to forge love with another person so we might have a real family, it has put such a burden on me, and today that burden is heavier then it's ever been. I wonder if I am doomed to a life of being solitary since it seems I cannot handle the emtions involved in trying to create and intimate relationship with another person.
I called Golden Bridge and they were very encouraging. One person told me she failed at day 30 three times on her first go. Another woman told me she had a great teacher who it took 15 years to get through his first 40 day meditation. they explained that the binding of karma is powerful, and that is why the meditation is so powerful and so difficult to accomplish.
So I will start again. And I won't put so much pressure on myself to finish this time, and perhaps just see what happens.
Until then, how I get through the days during this time I don't know. Dd is sleeping now and I am sadly dreading the moment she wakes up and requires all my energy again.
Thanks everyone for the support.