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#1 of 108 Old 05-16-2003, 04:29 PM - Thread Starter
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I have started my 40 day meditation three times now. I had a lot more faith in myself for perseverence than this! I need to meditate 11 minutes and do the energy exercise afterwards for 40 days in a row without a break. Every time I miss a day I have to start over from one. I am breaking old karma according ot hte meditation.

Today is day 3. I am going off to complete the task now before DD wakes from morning nap. Keep me going ladies!

Thanks!

(anyone else doing something like this please join in for moral support!
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#2 of 108 Old 05-16-2003, 06:48 PM
 
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Keep going Oatmeal!! You can do this!

I haven't done a 40 day meditation myself, but I hear that they are life-changing. If you don't mind me asking...was your meditation prescribed by a guru? Is it in any way related to Yogi Bhajan or 3HO?

I ask because I study a form of yoga that works with the kundalini and is inspired (in some ways) by Yogi Bhajan's teachings. I know they recommend the 40 day meditation and can even send you a personalized meditation to follow. I've been thinking seriously about trying it.

Anyway, GOOD LUCK! Try not to think about the whole 40 days, just take it one day at a time. And breathe!
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#3 of 108 Old 05-16-2003, 08:11 PM - Thread Starter
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Yes it is Yogi Bhajan

The Ganpati Kriya: sat ta nam ma ra ma da sa sa se so hung

I imagine I am failing at day 5 or 6 because a change is beginning and I am subconsciously resisting it.

Tomorrow will be day 4. I will check in.

And i do very much hope for a dramatic change in me!
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#4 of 108 Old 05-17-2003, 02:26 PM - Thread Starter
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day 4 mission accomplished
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#5 of 108 Old 05-17-2003, 03:51 PM
 
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Congrats on making it to day 5!

I understand what you mean about feeling the changes and then finding yourself resisting them. I've done the same thing in my own personal practice. The yoga I follow is very "powerful," (for lack of a better word) and I find myself afraid sometimes as I begin to open spiritually. Even though the changes are positive, they're still changes....and change can be a scary thing.

I hope you'll keep posting here each day as you complete your meditation. And I'd love to hear any insights you uncover as you go through this, if you'd like to share. I'll keep checking in to see how you're doing!

....maybe I'll start my 40 day meditation too...what am I waiting for?

namaste,

faeriemom
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#6 of 108 Old 05-19-2003, 12:06 PM - Thread Starter
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barely made day 5 and I am wondering if I can count it. The day got away of course and I found myself trying to meditate coherently at 11 at night while aleady half asleep. Does that count?

right around this time is when I hit this weird invisible wall. I hope if I get past say day 10 it willbe smoother sailing.

Will check in later. Faerie - why don't you start one?!
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#7 of 108 Old 05-19-2003, 04:16 PM
 
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Very cool Oatmeal! Keep it up!!

I'm intrigued! Where can I get more information about this?? Do you have to be doing something else before trying this? I do like yoga, but have a hard time fitting it into my life. (maybe less MDC???: ) But my young one is getting older, so I'll be able to do more things in time.
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#8 of 108 Old 05-19-2003, 04:18 PM
 
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Oops! Double post, then my computer locked up, so I couldn't correct my boo-boo right away!
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#9 of 108 Old 05-19-2003, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
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Well this was day 6. Observing that i become very sleepy right after the meditation and want to go to sleep. This could be only because I am the mother of a 15 month old who still does not sleep through the night, I don't know!

LJM - I am happy to post my meditation here or you can also visit www.goldenbridgeyoga.com and see how to contact them for your own personal meditation. Let me know if you need assistance!
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#10 of 108 Old 05-20-2003, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
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Day 7 done

More energizing today, feel more at peace.

No great observations or big feelings.
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#11 of 108 Old 05-20-2003, 04:10 PM
 
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Keep up the great work oatmeal!

I teach yoga and meditate regularly (not every day though) and I am so intrigued by your experience. Please keep posting!

Peace,
Erin
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#12 of 108 Old 05-21-2003, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
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day 8.

Lots of busy buys thoughts colliding in my mind during the whole meditation. Amazing that they can still run rampant while I am chanting and pressing my fingers. I didn't know I was that dexterous!! Getting a calm mind is a true feat for me, today it did not happen.

Looking forward to the 20 day mark. If I make it that far without having to start over - how cool.
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#13 of 108 Old 05-22-2003, 09:17 PM - Thread Starter
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Hitting a wall. It's already nearly evening and haven't calmed down enough to accomplish day 9. Major spiritual fatigue and chaos inside today. Had upheaval with guy I've been dating - he's still a little too close to his recent ex and it's really upsetting me. A lot of comparisons inside of me: she's prettier, richer, smarter (speaks 5 languages!) sexier- whatever - than me. A lot of self torture.

I have not been able to settle down and go inside. Meditation is difficult for me when I am uncomfortable with myself - going inside is intimacy with one's self, isn't it? I am abandoning myself today in favor of being unhappy. I refuse to be at peace.

I hope to come in here again before I go to bed for th night with news that I have achieved day 9...

Thanks.
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#14 of 108 Old 05-22-2003, 11:01 PM
 
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It sounds like you're being very honest with yourself about your feeling today!

I wish you good luck working through your issues this evening...

I hope you get through it! Keep up the good work! You're doing great!

I'd love to talk about this more with you oatmeal! I'm going on a short vacation and won't be back til Monday, so good luck this weekend!

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#15 of 108 Old 05-23-2003, 11:50 AM
 
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Oatmeal -- I find your honesty refreshing and extremely healthy. Not everyone can see these things about themselves, let alone openly admit it to themselves. I think that's a sign of emotional and spiritual maturity.

I'm sorry that those issues have interrupted your meditation though. I hope that you were able to find a little peace last night to complete day 9.

Isn't it amazing how our subconscious mind sabotages us whenever we are on the path to enlightenment and bliss? The subconscious is the ego, of course. And the ego is used to running the show. Whenever we're close to killing the ego (or at least putting it in its place), it begins to panic and does whatever it can to hang onto its control over us. I think that's why people find that so many of their issues, so much of their baggage, comes roaring to the surface when they begin a serious spiritual practice. It's definitely a struggle to get through that sometimes. It's hard to face these long-held thoughts and habits and get out from under their grip. Unhappiness can be addictive.

It sounds like you are doing a great job though. I hope you don't have to start over. But even if you do, I know you'll make it to day 40.

I love reading the insights you're sharing. Thank you for posting them.

I am going to do my own 40 day meditation. I don't think I'm going to get one from Golden Bridge or Yogi Bhajan though. I've decided to ask my personal guru for one, as she knows me and always seems to give me exactly what I need, when I need it!

You have inspired me to get moving on this though! Thank you for that!

faeriemom

P.S. BTW, I love the Golden Bridge web site. And Gurmukh!! She's incredible. Have you read her book, The Eight Human Talents? It's one of my all time favorite yoga books. I'm on my third reading of it right now!
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#16 of 108 Old 05-23-2003, 01:33 PM - Thread Starter
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Well I did fail f aeriemom. After my post yesterday I thought about losing my time a couple more times, but I consciously let it slip away. This caused me quite a bit of pain I must say. Disappointment in myself; thoughts that I will never have the spiritual strength to deal with and overcome the demons I see to be keeping me back from bliss in my life.

Then I read your post this morning and I realize that the failing now for the 4th time tells me a great deal about who I am. I abandon myself. I feel that I am not worth keeping up for, and certainly my ego does not want me to be free of the hiderances this meditation is designed to dissolve. In a weird way, this gives me a sliver of hope, that liberation is nearer with the realization of these subtle forces inside of me that are dragging me down and stopping my progress.

In spiritual maturity, the kind that I wish to have, I could face the perceived "torments" of yesterday with a quietude and remain true to myself and maintain my meditation. This is what I am looking for. The nobility and spiritual depth to really know and trust that I am indominable and infinite inside, and the letdowns of the outside world are only temporary and mean quite little in the scheme of things.

I am hoping to start over today. Once again I am hoping to make it through in one go to day 40.

I look forward to hearing about your meditation and what your guru will come up with for you to practice!!
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#17 of 108 Old 05-23-2003, 01:38 PM
 
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Good for you for making it to day 9. When you first posted you were getting stuck at 4 or 5 and now you pushed past it. That's an accomplishment. Celebrate small victories too.
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#18 of 108 Old 05-23-2003, 05:31 PM
 
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Your post was beautiful Oatmeal! And I don't think you failed. You may not have made it to day 40, but you've learned a lot at day 8. Besides, L.J. is right, this time you made it twice as far as you did last time. I think you'll get even further now that you're starting over.

Regarding spiritual growth, it's strange, but I think the harder it is, the more it's working. If it's too easy perhaps we're not going deep enough. If we find ourselves struggling, and facing mental & emotional obstacles along the way, it's a sign that the subconscious mind is being forced to let go of its negative thoughts and habits. Like I said before, when we begin destroying the ego it fights back. The struggle is in the ego trying to retain its hold. The ego is what tells us that we're not worthy of happiness, or that meditation is silly, or that we've got other things to do that are more important. The ego is what keeps us clinging to what we know and resisting change, even if the change is for the better.

Anyway, I will let you know when I start my meditation. I'm going to see my teacher next week.

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#19 of 108 Old 05-27-2003, 01:53 AM
 
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Hello Oatmeal! (love that username btw!)

How are you feeling now?? It's been a few days. Have you been able to start again?

I am feeling this striking a cord with me before I even know much about this meditation stuff!! I find the dialogue between you and faeriemom touching me because I 'get' what you are talking about, I really do. I can relate to sabataging your own personal growth for sure!

I wish you luck in working out what is plaguing you. Can't ever be easy, can it? Must be what the 40 day meditation is all about. I wonder if anyone has made it through the first time, when I think about it, I'd be surprised. I'll just have to tell myself I'll go through it 100 times before getting through it fully or I'll stop before I even start! Persiverance!! (sp?)

Take care! Looking forward to hearing from you again!
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#20 of 108 Old 05-27-2003, 09:56 AM
 
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Yes Oatmeal, how's it going? Have you started again?

I'm going to see my teacher either tonight or tomorrow night. If so, I'll start my meditation this week. I'll let you know!

Hope everyone had a nice weekend --

faeriemom
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#21 of 108 Old 05-27-2003, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
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Today, Tuesday, began day one again. This time it was like starting at -10 rather than at 1. I had an agonizing weekend because of my situation with the guy I've been seeing. Possibly the end of us because he can't reconcile the ex it doesn't seem like. When in pain it is hard for me to focus and become quiet. also my dd has been really demanding and loud the past couple of days and I have to say it has been wearing at my last nerve extremely badly.

The first five minutes were my chanting banging up against the painful babble going on in my mind. The second six minutes I was relieved to observe that the chanting beat out the insanity and I was anchored for a minute, there was peace and a moment to breathe.

I am back in the insanity already now. My prayer is to make it through this time without starting again. The restarts do get harder and harder. It is so helpful to come in here and report. I appreciate the support SO MUCH.

I'll be back tomorrow -
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#22 of 108 Old 05-27-2003, 06:55 PM
 
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Good luck!! I hope things get easier for you this week.

Dh and I had problems with his "ex issues" way back in the early days of our relationship, so I know how painful and distracting that can be. We were able to work ours out. Maybe you will too?

And I also know about children getting on the last nerve....as much as I LOVE and am thankful for my ds, there are times I'd like to have a whole day of quiet -- where I don't have to talk to anyone, and I don't have to listen to constant chatter about robots and Bionicles and superheroes.

Anyway, congratulations on getting through day 1 even though it was tough! Let us know how it goes tomorrow.

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#23 of 108 Old 05-27-2003, 10:31 PM - Thread Starter
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faerie as a quick side bar - interested to know how entangled your DH was with his ex - a lot, a little? How did he handle "fixing it" in the context of your relationship and how much incentive, if any did you have to give him to get it done to your satisfaction/comfort level?

Thanks
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#24 of 108 Old 05-28-2003, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
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day 2 was very nice. I had gone riding this morning and it was really hot. After I cleaned and put the horse away I went to the stream below the stables and did my meditation there. Needless to say it was wonderful. Afterwards I washed off in the stream and dropped my very expensive sunglasses that I have only had for 2 months in the stream and couldn't find them. i was upset for a minute but when I had to walk away because I had to leave to go pick up my daughter, I was thankful to the stream for its beauty and fresh clean water, and I decided to think of my sunglasses as an offering to it rather than a loss to me. Don't ask me where that came from.

So the morning was rather blissful and then the pain of my guy situation set in on the way back to town. A lof of insecurity and comparing to his ex - the car she drives, the way she looks, her education, etc. It's all about her being superior to me, which she is - feeling small and dumb and very average looking.

I hope the next 38 days will help me with that.
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#25 of 108 Old 05-29-2003, 11:30 AM
 
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Hi Oatmeal. Meditating at the stream after horseback riding sounds wonderful! I'm glad you were able to do that.

T regarding my dh and his "ex situation....he was married once before, and I actually knew him and his ex when they were married. She was a lot older than him, very pretty, highly-educated, had travelled around the world. YOu get the idea. So, they divorced and then two years after that I ran into him again and we just clicked -- long story short, we became a couple and moved in together. But I think because I had met his ex and knew a little about her, I felt inferior. I constantly compared myself to her. To make things worse, dh had a habit of living in the past. He still had a picture from their wedding on his mantle when I moved in with him. Would still mention her from time to time. I knew that he had been the one who wanted out of the marriage, and filed for divorce...so it wasn't that he wanted to be with her. But every time he said her name or talked about that time in his life, I took it personally. I assumed that he was comparing us and found me lacking.

To complicate matters even further...his ex-wife wasn't even the "love" of his life. That honor went to a girl he was involved with in high school. They had a very volatile relationship -- up and down, like a roller coaster. And she was the one who finally left him. For some reason, because of all of that, he could not get past her. After we'd lived together for a few months he told me that he still had dreams about her sometimes at night. I found letters from and photos of her in the top of his closet. I felt threatened and asked him to get rid of them. He refused. I took that to mean that he had chosen his fantasy of her over me. We lived together for a few years and from time to time the ex's names would come up, something would be said and I'd feel terrible. It became a very unhappy relationship. So finally I said to him, "Let's just take a break for six months." I moved out, but we had a few ground rules. We weren't ready to completely break up -- we just needed space for him to be sure he really wanted to be with me, and for me to spend time with myself working on building up my self-esteem. (I felt like a lot of the problem wasn't with dh's attachment to the past, but MY REACTION to it.).

Anyway, the rules were that we couldn't see other people during that six month period, we'd have weekly dates, etc....after I moved out, it took some of the pressure off. (The first week was horrible for me. I felt so alone. But it got easier.) We spent the night at each other's apts. sometimes. We went on dates. He stopped talking about his ex's. And we just had a nice time being together. When the six months were almost up, we decided to move in together again. He made the choice to be with me even when he could have ended it. It would have been easy to end it since we were already living apart and had our new routines/lives established. But we both chose to be with each other. A month after I moved back in with him we found out I was pregnant with ds! We've been together ever since (and we married when ds was two).

What helped me the most was taking time for myself to work on the issues that made me feel like I wasn't as good as his ex's. He'd never said that I wasn't as good, or that he didn't love me as much. But I felt that way anyway. I had to fix that myself. It didn't have anything to do with dh, it was my own insecurity. It also helped that we took a break and then chose to be together. The fact that he made an informed and conscious choice to be with me and grow our relationship helped me feel more secure.

As time has gone on, he's cared less and less about the past. He's admitted that he rarely thinks of his ex's anymore and when he does it's just a flash of memory, it's not out of desire to be with them or missing them or anything. As time has gone on we've built our own memories and I feel confident that he loves me and loves the family we've made. And I feel better about myself as a person -- that I'm worthy of being loved. I'm me and I have a lot to offer.

Dh still has photos of his ex's. He still has letters, and his old journal is full of the life he lived during those years with the other women. He wants to hold onto it because it's part of his life. It's part of who he is. But now all of that stuff is boxed up and stored away.

I don't know if any of this relates to your situation. It probably doesn't help you much! But I wanted to share since you asked about it. Sometimes flat out ending a relationship isn't necessary....changing the habits and dynamics of a relationship can make all the difference.

I hope you work things out in a way that is good for you. And keep up the good work with your meditation!

faerie
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#26 of 108 Old 05-29-2003, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
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Day 3. Bad feelings, tightness in stomach, forced myself to sit down. Half way through the meditation I could hear my cell phone ringing in the house and almost jumped, made myself stay. Cell phone rang again a minute later and I observed that my gut was filled with a fearsome dread, I felt like I was going to throw up. An interesting reaction to a phone. I observed that I felt it was bad news coming to me. I stayed on with the meditation. It ended without a sense of peace, I just had a lot of anxiety. My dog had been at the back gate the entire meditation yalping for me so that added to the tension.

Faerie thanks for your explanation above. I wish all I had to worry about were journals and photos. At least your husband's exes weren't with him every day and talking to him everyday...
I have to start getting over this guy now and it's extremely difficult. I have made myelf into nothing next to her - the comparison game is one that really kills the life out of me.

More meditation news tomorrow -
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#27 of 108 Old 05-29-2003, 08:32 PM
 
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I'm sure it's much harder if the ex is still around physically. I think in that case I would have given dh an ultimatum.

If you don't mind me asking, does your guy compare you with his ex? Does he make you feel bad about yourself, or is it something you do to yourself? Or a combination of the two? I would hate to think that he openly compares you to her...but I'm sure there are people who do that, maybe without even realizing they're hurting the person they're with. Also, does your guy seek out his ex, or is she the one who won't let go? Does he know how this bothers you?

I understand if you don't want to get too personal, or say too much here on this thread...but if you want to talk about it, I hope you know that you can.

Wow -- even with a barking dog, a ringing phone, and a heavy heart, you made it through day 3. I'm impressed! I really hope tomorrow goes better for you.

BTW, I have a private counseling session with my teacher next Thursday. I'm going to ask for a mantra/meditation from her then.
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#28 of 108 Old 05-29-2003, 09:59 PM - Thread Starter
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The only direct thing he said once about a month ago was "You should really meet her, she's a great person" plus the odd remarks about how they are best friends, and how he is so much closer to her now that they are friends, how he loves working on projects with her now - etc. I asked him today - how is there supposed to be room for anyone new to come in when she's taking up all the space?

It's really hard not to compare oneself to a photo shrine on the wall that you have to see every time you go over to your guy's house - and she's gorgeous, perfect, funny, cute, sexy, wealthier than me - has the same education as he does, and the same culture as him which is something I can never share with him. They are holding each other - laughing, she's looking sultry into the camera on an exotic beach somewhere in Tahiti - you get the idea.

Wouldn't you compare?

I don't know if he is going to make room for me or not. I know he knows I am suffering - which I told him today - and he seemed surprised ot hear that. I don't know what is going to happen.
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#29 of 108 Old 05-29-2003, 10:29 PM
 
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I would compare too. When I asked if the comparison & feeling inferior was something you are doing to yourself, I didn't mean it as a judgement against you. I asked because I know how easy it is (for many women) to do that to themselves. I've done it so many times, in so many different relationships. I still do it to some degree, but not so much with dh anymore.

It does sound like what he's doing is extremely hurtful to you, though he probably doesn't even realize. And I think you were absolutely right to ask him how he's supposed to have room in his life for someone new when she's taking up all the space. That's exactly what it felt like from your description of their relationship. The way you expressed that was so perfect. I really hope it helps him wake up to the pain you're in. I REALLY hope this all works out for you.

In the few posts I've read of yours, and the exchanges we've had, I really get the sense that you are a very cool and interesting woman. I admire the fact that you're spending time on self-study and reflection, and following your own spiritual path. I'm sure your guy sees these qualities in you and so much more.

I know you probably didn't want the thread to go in this direction...but I think it is so relevant to your meditation and the struggle you're having with it. Thank you for sharing.

Good luck with day 4!
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#30 of 108 Old 05-29-2003, 11:43 PM
 
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Ugh! It really is a weird situation he's putting you in, and frankly, I don't know if the torture that it's putting you through is worth it. I've had a toxic relationship (not boyfriend, family) that was very painful to break off, but I was better off and more clear headed in the long run, and maybe that's what might need to be done here.

And I also agree with faeriemom...I think you really neat too!

It's been neat reading about your journey. I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time with all this, but you do seem to be very intune to defining your feelings internal and phsyical. I have the TOUGHEST time doing that! The way I put my feelings to words is hearing someone else describe it and I say "YES!, that's it!" Logic isn't one of my strong suits, and naming my feelings isn't either. I've been on MDC for almost 2 months now, and it helps so much to read other peoples experiences and relate it to mine. Makes it easier to help me identify my feelings a little bit.

I wish I could be of more help with your situation, but I hope I can at least lend support. I think it's great what you're doing for yourself and it really is a journey. Good luck with tomorrow!

LJ's Mom
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