I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 90 Old 05-02-2007, 02:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Vypros View Post
If the situation were reversed, the kids would be yanked away from the father so fast his head would spin.
No, they wouldn't. I know firsthand. My son's father attacked me and that didn't stop him from getting JOINT custody. They suggested (not demanded) that he go to anger management (which he never did).

No, kids don't get taken away from men who beat the mother of his kids.


I highly doubt that the op's wife would hurt the children.
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#62 of 90 Old 05-02-2007, 02:11 PM
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No, they wouldn't. I know firsthand. My son's father attacked me and that didn't stop him from getting JOINT custody. They suggested (not demanded) that he go to anger management (which he never did).

No, kids don't get taken away from men who beat the mother of his kids.


I highly doubt that the op's wife would hurt the children.
Well, let me tell you about MY situation then.

I've never hit a women in my life and I never will. However, I did do a dumb thing once with the kids. I took them up to my ex-wife while she was working and left them there with her. Not a smart move, but i left them WITH her, as in she was standing there with them when I walked away. In retrospect I did a really petty thing and I realized it almost immediately.

She, in turn, went down and filed a domestic violence suit against me claiming I left them alone in the lobby. I wasn't allowed to see my kids for two weeks before the suit was dropped for how ridiculous it was.

So, yes, they can be taken away, if temporarily.
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#63 of 90 Old 05-02-2007, 02:15 PM
 
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#64 of 90 Old 05-02-2007, 02:32 PM
 
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I have only skimmed through this so forgive me if I repeat something. I think what you did by telling your wife was a very good thing. She needed to know that. Of course you cant expect her to be happy about it but the attack was completely uncalled for. If it happens again, definately take legal action and get your son away from her.

I cant talk to you about what it is like to be divorced or have divorced parents. I have been married for 6 years, and my parents for 41. But I will tell you this, that if I wanted out of the marriage, if I felt trapped or not in love with my SO, then I would definately get out. That isnt a life for you, your wife, or your child. Your child is smarter then you think, they pick up on vibes and IMO, living happily apart is better then living miserably together.

You need to be their for your son and work as a team in raising him under seperate roofs. It wont be easy but you all 3 deserve better..

Good luck to you and I truly do hope that you find happiness...

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#65 of 90 Old 05-03-2007, 10:55 AM
 
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From your posts, it sounds like she is not a violent person. I don't know what provoked her to attack, but I'm sure we don't have the whole story. I'm sure she's devastated to find out you've been living a lie. If she knows you have the hots for a co worker, this may be enough to send her over the edge temporarily. This doesn't mean she should lose her kid. Unless she has a history of violence or is a danger to the baby, she should keep the child. Sorry, but I believe kids belong with mommy.

She needs counseling to get her through this tough time. You need to leave, NOW. She may not realize it but she needs you out of her life. Once she has time to heal, she'll realize your marriage was a sham (not her fault) and that she is far, far, far, far, far better off without a weak and lying man in her life. She will find a new man who will treat her as she deserves. She will find the love she wants and build a new family, without you.

You need counseling too. Otherwise you will screw up the next relationship you have. THe problems are yours and not hers. Your inability to commit and personal weakness are something you need to work on before you jump into another relationship and ruin the life of another woman. Or another child, if you have more.
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#66 of 90 Old 05-03-2007, 11:33 AM
 
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Originally Posted by writermommy View Post
From your posts, it sounds like she is not a violent person. I don't know what provoked her to attack, but I'm sure we don't have the whole story. I'm sure she's devastated to find out you've been living a lie. If she knows you have the hots for a co worker, this may be enough to send her over the edge temporarily. This doesn't mean she should lose her kid. Unless she has a history of violence or is a danger to the baby, she should keep the child. Sorry, but I believe kids belong with mommy.

She needs counseling to get her through this tough time. You need to leave, NOW. She may not realize it but she needs you out of her life. Once she has time to heal, she'll realize your marriage was a sham (not her fault) and that she is far, far, far, far, far better off without a weak and lying man in her life. She will find a new man who will treat her as she deserves. She will find the love she wants and build a new family, without you.

You need counseling too. Otherwise you will screw up the next relationship you have. THe problems are yours and not hers. Your inability to commit and personal weakness are something you need to work on before you jump into another relationship and ruin the life of another woman. Or another child, if you have more.
EXACTLY! You have summed it up, perfectly.
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#67 of 90 Old 05-03-2007, 11:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
First, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. I took everything everyone said to heart. I opened up to my wife last night and told her how I really feel. She knew I felt this way, but she is now devistated. We both started to cry. She said she never would have thought this would happen to us. She said she is willing to give me the divorce, but does not know how to start. She does not know how to tell her parents and her family. She wants to also sell the house because she cannot stay there. Too many memories. I don't want to sell it. I would rather my wife and son stay there with her parents. I would give her mortgage, money for bills, and money for my son. I would see my son everyday if I have to. I have a feeling that even though she is willing to give me the divorce, she may not because she does not want to go thru the process...
You guys should still go to counseling. I don't know if it's worthwhile to attempt to save your marriage, but you are going to be co-parenting for the rest of your lives. It sounds like you could use help with communication, even if you are headed for divorce. My sister was divorced from her first marriage and even though things didn't work out, she was very glad they got counseling. It helps to have someone thoughtful creating a safe space for discussion, and you can learn something about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

It's not a safe space if she's freaking out to such an extent, with uncharacteristic hitting and scratching.

You need to be able to talk, whether you reverse your decision to divorce or go ahead with it. The counselor shouldn't be invested in which way you go--just someone you both can trust who will give you a hand with this. Sometimes a clergyperson with pastoral counseling certification can do this. You want someone who isn't biased and doesn't want to overdetermine the outcome, just to be your ally and help you communicate.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#68 of 90 Old 05-03-2007, 12:03 PM
 
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Good for you for coming clean. I wish my STBX would have done that before cheating on me.

If you told your W about the other woman, I can understand her violent reaction. I slapped my H (for the first time in our 14 year relationship) and would have beat the crap out of him if I thought he wouldn't fight back.

While you have let yourself be cohereced into this life you don't want, she probably does want it, and doesn't want to lose it.

My advice would be to ask yourself before every act you make "am I acting with integrity (to myself and others), honesty and compassion?" Secondly, ask yourself, and reinforce this with your wife "is this decision in the best interest of our son?"

That second point is what got me through my separation with a minumum of violence (in words and actions).

Good luck!
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#69 of 90 Old 05-16-2007, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello everyone...been away for a while. Just wanted to everyone an update. After minutes, hours, and days of talking, my wife doesn't want to have a divorce. She has asked for her parents to move out and we will help them find a place. I have tried to let her know that this will not resolve anything with regards to my feelings about not wanting to be married anymore. She is not listening. I don't want to just leave, because I don't want it to look like i abandoned my wife and son. I think I might just sit tight and see how things play out. These past few weeks have been draining emotionally and physically. To be honest, I don't think she will ever get how I feel. I have come to the realization that marriage is just not for me. I know I can be and I am a great father, but just not cut out to be a husband. Getting marrierd was the biggest mistake I ever made. Unfortunately, I held in my feelings way too long. Now my wife, my son, and I are paying for it.
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#70 of 90 Old 05-16-2007, 03:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Hello everyone...been away for a while. Just wanted to everyone an update. After minutes, hours, and days of talking, my wife doesn't want to have a divorce. She has asked for her parents to move out and we will help them find a place. I have tried to let her know that this will not resolve anything with regards to my feelings about not wanting to be married anymore. She is not listening. I don't want to just leave, because I don't want it to look like i abandoned my wife and son. I think I might just sit tight and see how things play out. These past few weeks have been draining emotionally and physically. To be honest, I don't think she will ever get how I feel. I have come to the realization that marriage is just not for me. I know I can be and I am a great father, but just not cut out to be a husband. Getting marrierd was the biggest mistake I ever made. Unfortunately, I held in my feelings way too long. Now my wife, my son, and I are paying for it.
Thanks for the update. I didn't reply to the orignal post because I have just now found it and read through the whole thing.

Your wife is doing the right thing by having her parents move out. You can't just run away when you're not happy. You have to at least *try* to work things out. It sounds like you're being very stubborn as you keep saying that you just WON'T be happy. How do you know??? You aren't giving it a fair chance at working with that attitude. Sure, if you keep telling yourself that you won't be happy, than you won't be happy. What about adjusting your attitude and making the most of what you have and THEN decide if you are still unhappy?? Your wife is trying her damndest to keep her family together and you should really give her credit for that. I wish you peace and the strength to really try to work things out.

Bethany, mama to M (9), J (7), S (4), and baby BOY 9/13/10!!
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#71 of 90 Old 05-17-2007, 11:53 AM
 
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As much as it would hurt your wife, you need to be honest with her and tell her everything, from A to Z. Just let your feelings pour out. You need to deal with this asap, don't live in misery any longer. As long as you are able to change your situation and you know what makes you happy, then why not make those changes? You must not stay with your wife because of your son or because of sympathy. That won't do any good to anyone around you.
If I was in that situation, I would rather hear the truth from my husband and let him go, than being misled and living my life thinking that everything is great in my marriage....you know what I mean?
Sit her down and tell her that you don't love her "that" way, explain it to her..., maybe once she hears you, she'll realize that she needs a man who loves her all the way.

Good luck!

Kristina(29) mama to Jasmine(4)-:novax: :

Kristina-mummy to Jasmine and David :
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#72 of 90 Old 05-17-2007, 12:12 PM
 
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oooops, sorry...I just realized that you wrote an update.
I meant my previous reply for your original post.

I feel so bad for you. I don't understand your wife.
Why can't she get it? Why is she holding on to
this marriage? I guess for your son's sake and also
she knows that you are a good man, which makes
it harder for her, thinking that she won't find another
man like you, who provides for her and her son.
But is she fair to herself? Knowing that you don't
wish to be in this marriage anymore and she's still
forcing the whole thing. People must know limits.
She should consider your feelings too, that you are
just not too happy anymore.
I suppose she is okay with living in a marriage which
is not desired by one half. I would not want that for
myself.

Keep talking to her... I guess.


Kristina(29) mama to Jasmine( 4)-
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Kristina-mummy to Jasmine and David :
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#73 of 90 Old 05-17-2007, 01:25 PM
 
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If I was in that situation, I would rather hear the truth from my husband and let him go, than being misled and living my life thinking that everything is great in my marriage....
I would definately want to know the WHOLE truth and let him go rather then live with someone that doesnt love me. If you dont want to work on it, then dont. Unless your heart is 100% commited to making this work, it's not going to. No matter how much talking or counseling you do, it just wont work. It sounds to me that you have already made up your mind, you are just holding on b/c you fear of further hurting your wife's feelings and also for your son. Either commit to her completely or file for divorce...

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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#74 of 90 Old 05-17-2007, 01:51 PM
 
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From your posts, it sounds like she is not a violent person. I don't know what provoked her to attack, but I'm sure we don't have the whole story.
You know. While, strong emotions explain violence, they don't justify it--EVER.

If the OP was a woman and it was a husband who attacked, I think we'd all be saying to press charges.

I'm a woman. I had the misfortune of having an abusive father, and I even did counseling thorugh a domestic violence center. But--still--I don't understand why there's a such double standard. I think allowing women to have excuses to be violent to men(except in cases of self-defense) enables abuse to continue in chains within family trees. Violent mothers raise violent children--of both sexes. It doesn't matter whether this woman attacks her children or just her husband. If she crosses the line verbally, sexually or physically, she is an abuser--and abusers damage their kids even if they are just attacking their spouses.

Edit: One last word. While everyone is trying to encourage the OP for staying married, I have to wonder if the whole reason he believes marraige isn't for him is because is wife is abusive. Would you believe marriage is great thing if you thought it was normal for a spouse to be abusive and controlling?

He sounds very trapped and controlled. If the situation was reversed and his words were written by a woman, it'd look like red flags all over the place for a domestic violence situation.

He tried to leave her. She attacked him and it appears like she used a lot of psychological stuff (ex - guilt trips) to get him to stay against his will. That's clear signs of abuse.

OP, whether or not you stay with your wife, please see a therapist. If you can't do it for yourself--do it to be a better father for your kid.

Enjoying the adventure of NFL with my partner-in-crime , DD 03.09 , , &
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#75 of 90 Old 05-18-2007, 09:18 PM
 
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yips123-just saw this update and hope that her parents moving out helps you both have a little more clarity. I think it's really smart that you aren't rushing into big decisions right now. I remember when I was splitting up with my ex-I was so impulsive-that's it, I'm out of here, etc. and did it ever create waves of chaos that lasted for years.
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#76 of 90 Old 05-21-2007, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone, thank you for the posts. Your words have been comforting and helpful. As an update, my wife's father is now in the hospital for irregular breathing. This is now been placed as the primary concern as it should. To be honest, with this happening and the fact that her mother is not all that well also, the apartment thing just will not happen. Her parents are going to be living with us for good. I have decided to give up my feelings of wanting to be divorced. Living out my life with her parents is just in my future. I have to face it. This just adds to my frustration. Everytime i think a door has been opened for me, my wife and her parents close it. I know I am a good father, I was just never cut out to be a husband. I've decided to put my life in God's hands. Whataver he sees fit will happen. I will not take active role anymore in pursuing divorce. It's just too hard. My son deserves to be happy and I just have to do whatever it takes to make him happy. Maybe i can teach him to learn from my mistakes and hopefully he can make better decisions than i did.
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#77 of 90 Old 05-21-2007, 04:06 PM
 
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Since you have decided to try to make the best of it, I would suggest trying to build up your relationship with your wife to be the best it can be, even if that is just a good friendship. This would make a huge difference in your son's life. I think counseling would be really useful to this end. You can "shop" around for a counselor until you find one you really like. For me, it was the fourth couselor I met and she was awesome and a big help. Good luck!

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#78 of 90 Old 05-21-2007, 09:33 PM
 
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Yips123, sounds like you are taking a reasonable approach for the time being. Keep an open mind though. You've said "I've decided to do this, so now I have to do this for the rest of my life." There's no need to exagerrate your situation and make it even worse than it is, right? Try "I've decided to do this for now."

Sometimes when I have a mental habit that is causing me trouble--as it sounds like your self-punishing approach is--I ask myself each time it comes up, "Has this EVER helped me? Has this EVER done ANY good?" Has it EVER done you any good to say "I have to do X forever now"?

It sounds reasonable to wait and see while life is in flux right now. In the meantime, why not look for a good counselor for yourself? Whatever you decide to do later will be easier if you have cleared up some of your underlying issues. You'll be more able to understand other people, and to act in a pure way, with less self-obstruction. As great as a thread on mdc can be, believe me, a good counselor is better.

One thing you can do now is to make subtle changes in the way that you think. As long as you view yourself as the victim of your wife and in-laws, you'll experience life as if you are the victim of your wife and in-laws. Who do you want to be? This isn't about external things that you want to happen in your life. Who do you want to be?

Something I've learned is that sometimes when we refuse to learn a certain lesson in life, the lesson keeps getting bigger and bigger until finally it's so intense that we can't stand it anymore, make the stretch to learn the lesson, and then life gets better again. So often when I find myself saying "This sucks and I just don't want to deal with it" I remember that it will probably slowly get worse until I can't stand it anymore and deal with it. I can skip all that if I open up and learn from my experience now. A lot of times that means taking action, learning a new approach, seeking out support of whatever kind is most appropriate at the time, changing my mindset, taking responsibility for myself... etc.

And even though other people are responsible for their own screwups, they aren't responsible for the basic fact that I was refusing or simply not ready to learn an important lesson in life. Plus then I get the credit when I do finally learn it.
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#79 of 90 Old 05-22-2007, 02:53 AM
 
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I think you need to see why you're not happy. Maybe it is not even your wife that is making you unhappy.

What do you want in a partner? In life? In a family? You need to find the answer to these questions before making any decisions.

I highly doubt divorce is the only solution ...in fact, I don't think divorce usually is the solution. You might just get divorced and get back into the same situation with a different person ...only that would be more complicated since you have baggage already.

I'm very suspicious when I hear this "true love" stuff. What exactly is love to you? Do you want to feel butterflies or wild passion? A movie kinda love?

These are just some questions for you to think about...you don't have to answer them.

I once spent several months wanting out of my marriage because I thought that's why I was upset. The truth is other things were upsetting to me and I was blaming it on my husband. I also thought for a good while my husband's great but I just don't love him..well it turns out we both were so caught up with outside things that we needed to take time to bring romance and passion in our life. I also felt bored and noted I needed to spend time with my girlfriends. I can't get everything from my husband alone. Then too I also realized I need to spend time by myself.

Relationships aren't one dimensional. They are multifacted and to thrive and succeed in a relationship we have to work on all areas of our life. Too often people are failing in other areas and blaming it on their partner. You need to make your own happiness. Your partner is not responsible for your happiness. Find a hobby or something fun to do for yourself. That might just be all you need.
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#80 of 90 Old 05-23-2007, 11:42 AM
 
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I still don't think you should rule out divorce--but I think you're in a low place right now where you'd have an almost impossible time seeing everything clearly and making the most responsible decision--whether it's to stay married or not. Again (!), you need to see a therapist. No matter what happens with your wife, or if she'd be willing to go to marriage therapy, you need to go for yourself. Go to therapy for a while, get some perspective, get a view of what healthy is, and then you'll be able to make a path for you and your family.

Unless you take some steps to get healthy and get some perspective, you're going to be carrying this weight for the rest of your life. It's not worth it, and getting rid of the weight isn't as easy as leaving or saying "I want a divorce." Obviously you've seen that. I know the weight of being in an impossible situation makes it hard to motivate, but while you're sitting around you're wasting time and feeling worse.

....try to motivate. Just try therapy--how could it possibly make things worse, you know?

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#81 of 90 Old 05-23-2007, 12:22 PM
 
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yips123-

Your inlaws are NOT your children. You are NOT responsible for your wife's parents- not their health, not where they live, not their finances- none of it.

My mom's parents and siblings lived with us, off on and on, for my entire childhood. This was not the only problem in my parent's marriage by a long shot, but it was a very big part of it.

Amris hit the nail on the head when she told you to man up and gain some accountability. You have *got* to get some control over your own life.

And your wife attacked you? I'll tell you what, any partner who is physically violent to their spouse gets a chance to do one time- you should be outta there, my friend, and yeah, I'd take your son with you. Responding to anger with violence is the definition of abuse.

(Yes, I'm a woman, a mother, too, and yes, I've been abused. It's bullshit no matter who does it.)

Your life is YOURS, not your wife's, nor son's, and for sure not your inlaws. I bet you just feel like a paycheck, huh? Like a worker bee.

That's how my dad felt- he was an abusive rageaholic, no saint, for sure, but he has bipolar, and since getting treatment, has been able to better articulate what supporting my mom's whole family did to him mentally.

God helps those who help themselves. You need to focus on yourself to be a better person- not a better husband or son in law, but better for yourself and your own sake.

Only you can change your life.

Please don't deceive your wife into thinking that something has changed. You still don't love her. You'll probably have to say it more than once, because when people are hurting, they deceive themselves.

You deserve to happy. But sometimes, you have to fight for your happiness. This could be why so many people have suggested therapy for you- you sound like a man who needs help finding his inner warrior.

Trying to turn hearts and minds toward universal healthcare, one post at a time.
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#82 of 90 Old 05-24-2007, 02:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yips123-
You deserve to happy. But sometimes, you have to fight for your happiness. This could be why so many people have suggested therapy for you- you sound like a man who needs help finding his inner warrior.
Hi all,
I hear what everyone is saying. Yes, I do need therapy, but just not willing to go right now. I allowed my wife to destroy my inner warrior a long time ago. before, I was only concerned with her happiness and what she wanted. My feelings and happiness was put on the back burner. You can pretty much call me "Yes Man". Anything she wanted, I said yes nomatter how I felt about it. I do deserve to be happy, but I know I cannot be happy knowing I just devastated her. She will never make it easy for me to just walk away. I'm 30 yrs old. I think I know my future already. Things that I hoped and prayed for before I was married will never come true. I come to the realization that I have been living a lie for almost 13 yrs. That's how long I have known my wife. I'm in too deep to turn back now. Me living this life was just meant to be. Everything everyone has been saying in these posts I have taken to heart. Sometimes it's just too easy to say than do. My wife has drained me mentally. I have nothing left in my life except the love for my son, his hopes, and his dreams. That is my only concern.
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#83 of 90 Old 05-24-2007, 04:42 PM
 
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Hi. I'm a therapist. I've been reading some of the posts on this thread. I think the thread starter really has misunderstood therapy, particular marriage counseling. Marriage counseling most often happens when it's already too late... like in your situation... and then it is a way of breaking up mindfully, both partners learning something from the current dysfunctional relationship in order not to carry it forth to the next relationship.

I believe that staying together for the child is a cop-out. It's all in order to avoid addressing the bigger issues. I also believe that the in-laws being there actually preserves the status-quo: it's triangulation. You can blame the in-laws for the unhappiness you feel.. it's called "displacement"... and never actually confront yourselves or each other.

Also, on a personal note: I am a child of a dysfunctional marriage. Because my parents didn't have the courage to face their issues, my mother saying, "I stayed for your sake"... I ended up inheriting the problems they refused to face and I, myself, spent 12 years in therapy.
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#84 of 90 Old 05-29-2007, 09:50 AM
 
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you did lie about your feelings before....but your feelings now may change, so if you say truth now you may regret later as you will change. i suggest you do yoga and meditation. your happiness is your inner peace. learn to find it in your family :

Katie, farmer's wife belly.gifmom to ds (9y) modifiedartist.gifand dd (6y)dust.gif and ds (3y) jog.gif   we goorganic.jpg    saynovax.gifhomebirth.jpghomeschool.gif 
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#85 of 90 Old 05-29-2007, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey all, hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend. Just wanted to let everyone know that her parents are no longer moving out. Based on the amount of money they receive from the government, it will not be enough for them to get an apartment. This is just another let down in my life with my wife and her family. Just feel like a beaten man right now. I want to thank everyone on this site for your advice, but I don't think i have the energy or the will to make things better for myself. Right now, I am just concentrating on making things better for my son. My wife is pretty much okay right now being that we are not really arguing anymore. Basically, everything seems to have smoothed itself out for her sake and my son. There is an interesting article in the New York Post today. http://www.nypost.com/seven/05292007...an_kadison.htm ... I wish this article was around when i got married at 24.
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#86 of 90 Old 05-31-2007, 07:45 PM
 
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I realize these quotes are taken out of context, but for god's sakes man, you need help. In reading this thread, I feel both intensely sympathetic toward—and equally irritated by—your histrionic self-pity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
I know i will never be happy again.
Living out my life with her parents is just in my future.
I'm 30 yrs old. I think I know my future already. [PUHLEEZE]
Everytime i think a door has been opened for me, my wife and her parents close it.
This is just another let down in my life with my wife and her family.
Just feel like a beaten man right now.
I don't think i have the energy or the will to make things better for myself.
Me living this life was just meant to be.
Things that I hoped and prayed for before I was married will never come true.
You are living in victim mentality. You are the only one who can get yourself out of it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
My son deserves to be happy and I just have to do whatever it takes to make him happy.

I have nothing left in my life except the love for my son, his hopes, and his dreams.
So now you are going to burden your son by making YOUR life revolve around him?

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet
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#87 of 90 Old 05-31-2007, 10:06 PM
 
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Yips, you have had such a lot of advice/thoughts here. I think you are being used a bit. And I'm sure your wife feels she has been used too.I've never been married, never wanted to actually wed and have only suffered abuse at the hands of 'partners'. I've been on my own for years raising my dc, u know I would never live with someone again, it's too hard for me to deal with anothers stuff. Happiness and contentment has to come from within not from another relationship. The co-worker wifie may seem all roses now but come on, in your current situation you probably are craving for some love and thats usual i guess. And very flattering for her probably but I wonder how she would like to be the spurned wife, it can so easily flip to the other side. Not now imo not till you are emotionally stable and are divorced from your wife or separated. You and your wife and ds will imo never be happy continuing in this situation and I agree with the pp who says you can't live your life through your ds. You will never be happy with your wife imo, seems like a sentance, stop being a martyr/victim, life too short,get out now, however hard it is, whats the point in staying apart from your ds, but it won't work from that angle either imo. Your wife seems imo to be terrified of facing up to her own fears, of being 'left alone', I was left with a 4 week old, a 16 month old and a 4 yr old living in the back of a tranny van with no money, friends or family support and it was terrifying, literally the bottom dropped out of my world, I had serious palpatations, panic attacks major confusion like I had never felt and I'd felt some over the years all right. She is gonna have to stand on her own two feet and admit the marriage is over ( or indeed never begun, if there was no love how can that even be a marriage?)as you have said yourself it is, but you have to take the next step. You told her whats been going on, how you feel and stuff so you are movin ahead cos you have to, why oh why are you just gonna stay in it cos you can't get out? Take a calculated risk. What if's can go on and on for ever, get it sorted so you have time with your son, you say you will let her keep the house, if there is no love in your marriage why on earth does she want to prolong it? Is there any chance she just hasn't given much thought to making the union a happy one or developed other interests and goals aside from being your wife in recent years? Why was she soo desperate to get married to someone she knew had doubts in the first place? To fullfil a need, a purpose in life? Is this her identity she's losing?
She must be hurting all right but I think she also needs to come to her senses about this and is probably depressed as she doesn't seem to have much going on in her life aside from wife and mother, oh and carer for her ageing and sick parents, which I am not knocking, thats a lot of work, it's just you need outside interests to develop personal growth to make a marriage work in the first place. She also need a life.Things can get stagnant I guess. It's not a healthy situation and there's no point in hanging on in there imo. I was freakily possesive of my bf's when I was younger and I drove them away, I was terrified of being on my own but could not realise it, now I want to be alone cos I know where I stand and am not a party to emotional bs on a daily basis and not so needy, your wife sounds miserable and controlling, the other woman thing must be eating her up inside, both of you need to get a perspective on this, to prolong this is to prolong the pain, your ds needs strong parents too, there has to be an iota of love/peace/acceptance/clarity somewhere within your situation so you can make plans for all of your futures and support and love for your ds.
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#88 of 90 Old 05-31-2007, 10:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xochimama View Post
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet
This is beautiful. I printed it and am hanging it on the refrigerator. Words to live by...
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#89 of 90 Old 06-03-2007, 03:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xochimama View Post
So now you are going to burden your son by making YOUR life revolve around him?

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet
That quote just brought something to mind that I thought was very profound.

Oprah the other day... Martha Beck? was talking about meeting a man ? one time ? who was happy, centered, blah, blah, blah... The first question was... "What was your mother like?" (The response was something she has only heard once in her life.) Was the response "oh I was the center of my mother's life" or "My mother did everything (dropped everything) for me" ? Nope. The response was "my mother loved life."

Martha Beck's point was, how you treat yourself is how you teach/model for your children to treat themselves. If all one does is sacrifice, sacrifice and one doesn't have their own interests/passions, you aren't providing children a service, you are doing them a profound disservice.

I thought that was pretty profound. Because I tend to make the kids the center of my universe and now I'm going through a lot of emotional pain for some "unresolved" stuff that's rearing it's ugly (but necessary) head.

FYI, I truly believe, that if you ended your marriage with your wife right now (where you are at at this moment) and started a relationship with that other office romance, it wouldn't last. She might have issues with you or vice versa because you are still you with all your issues/baggage.

But, unlike you, I am going to into therapy this coming week because I * really * need it before I lose it. It's a hassle, a drag to shelp myself over there, but getting help is better than wallowing in self-pity, pain, the run-around of my confused mind, yada, yada, yada...

10 - boy
5.5 - girl
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#90 of 90 Old 01-19-2008, 06:11 PM
 
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Quote:
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Unfortunately, I have found no website which supports men the way this website supports women. So, even though I am a man, I hope to have some feedback on my situation. Thirteen years ago I met a girl via a blind date. Throughout our relationship I never really felt love, but just felt comfortable. I just thought things were meant to be between this woman and I even though I never truly believed she was my true love. In June 2000, we got married. About 3 months before we got married, I cheated on her. It was a very rough time. She was devastated at what I had done. I expressed at the time how I did not want to get married, but I gave in to the pressure. I was getting pressured by her, her family, and my family to get married. She forgave me for what I did and we moved on. While living with my parents for the first few months, she expressed to me that we needed privacy and needed to get our own place. I wanted us to to save mor emoney, but she really was pushing for the house. So I gave in again. We bought a house and about 2 months later she tells me that her parents are coming to stay with us for a few months. I said ok even though the whole purpose for us getting the house was for our privacy. The first year it was 2 months, the next year, it was 4 months, the next year it was 8 months. After the second year, i knew the reason why she rushed me to get a house and I think you do as well. It did not bother too much, but I kinda felt used. Anyway, in 2003, we had a baby boy. I never felt so alive. My son now is my world. In 2004, while her parents were staying with us, her father had a stroke. They are now staying with us permanently. I don't totally mind they are staying with us, but everyday I don't feel like going home to see these people. Sometimes I feel God put me on this earth to be the key they needed. My money goes to pay mortgage, utlities, car, food, and everything else. Now, don't get me wrong, my wife does everything for me. She cooks, cleans, washes my clothes, and is a great mother, but for some reason none of it appeals to me much. Earlier this year, I met women at my job. She is great. I feel so good around her. I wish wasn't married so I could be with her. I have not cheated on my wife. As long as I wear my wedding ring, I respect that i am married. To be honest, I do not feel that i have the ability to love a woman. I love my wife for being the mother to my son, but that's it. I go home everyday pretending I am in love with her. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I know it would be devasting to her to get a divorce. It would kill her. Plus, she would make my life a living hell. I want so much to be happy, but to the to extent where it would crush her. I sit at my desk everyday wishing i wasn't married. I feel dead. My life is dead. It hurts me so much that i'm married. I don't want to hear about getting marriage counselling. I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.

____________________________________________



Bumping this thread forward and wondering if anyone ever heard the outcome of Yips life drama?

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