I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore - Mothering Forums
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Personal Growth > I Don't Want to Be Married Anymore
yips123's Avatar yips123 03:55 PM 04-19-2007
Unfortunately, I have found no website which supports men the way this website supports women. So, even though I am a man, I hope to have some feedback on my situation. Thirteen years ago I met a girl via a blind date. Throughout our relationship I never really felt love, but just felt comfortable. I just thought things were meant to be between this woman and I even though I never truly believed she was my true love. In June 2000, we got married. About 3 months before we got married, I cheated on her. It was a very rough time. She was devastated at what I had done. I expressed at the time how I did not want to get married, but I gave in to the pressure. I was getting pressured by her, her family, and my family to get married. She forgave me for what I did and we moved on. While living with my parents for the first few months, she expressed to me that we needed privacy and needed to get our own place. I wanted us to to save mor emoney, but she really was pushing for the house. So I gave in again. We bought a house and about 2 months later she tells me that her parents are coming to stay with us for a few months. I said ok even though the whole purpose for us getting the house was for our privacy. The first year it was 2 months, the next year, it was 4 months, the next year it was 8 months. After the second year, i knew the reason why she rushed me to get a house and I think you do as well. It did not bother too much, but I kinda felt used. Anyway, in 2003, we had a baby boy. I never felt so alive. My son now is my world. In 2004, while her parents were staying with us, her father had a stroke. They are now staying with us permanently. I don't totally mind they are staying with us, but everyday I don't feel like going home to see these people. Sometimes I feel God put me on this earth to be the key they needed. My money goes to pay mortgage, utlities, car, food, and everything else. Now, don't get me wrong, my wife does everything for me. She cooks, cleans, washes my clothes, and is a great mother, but for some reason none of it appeals to me much. Earlier this year, I met women at my job. She is great. I feel so good around her. I wish wasn't married so I could be with her. I have not cheated on my wife. As long as I wear my wedding ring, I respect that i am married. To be honest, I do not feel that i have the ability to love a woman. I love my wife for being the mother to my son, but that's it. I go home everyday pretending I am in love with her. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I know it would be devasting to her to get a divorce. It would kill her. Plus, she would make my life a living hell. I want so much to be happy, but to the to extent where it would crush her. I sit at my desk everyday wishing i wasn't married. I feel dead. My life is dead. It hurts me so much that i'm married. I don't want to hear about getting marriage counselling. I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.

quirkylayne's Avatar quirkylayne 04:01 PM 04-19-2007
You are depressed. I can tell because I've been there too. Even if you don't want to go to individual or marriage counseling I suggest that you see your regular doctor and tell him/her about these feelings. Would you be open to medication? Or maybe some lifestyle changes such as regular excercise?
meowee's Avatar meowee 04:13 PM 04-19-2007
I think you need to ask yourself why you allowed yourself to be coerced and coaxed into so many things you were reluctant to do.
yips123's Avatar yips123 04:15 PM 04-19-2007
I don't think I need medical attention. I do feel like I am living 2 lives. A life at home of pretending to be happy and a life away from where I am not pretending at all. I always picture in my head what my life would be like if I was not married. I am not a party person. I just want to go to work, go home, be with my son, and do things I have always wanted to do. I am just looking for freedom from marriage, because I definitely don't have it being married.
mata's Avatar mata 04:20 PM 04-19-2007
I'd highly recommend talking to a therapist.

And beware the coworker-the grass always looks greener when things aren't going so well at home.
gargirl's Avatar gargirl 04:47 PM 04-19-2007
Wow, you sound so wrung out. I am sorry you are feeling so unhappy and so trapped. The first thing I would suggest is couple's counselling and maybe personal counseling too. There may well be a chance for you to be happy being married to your wife if you are willing to work on it and she is too. It might not work, but the alternative according to your post is severely hurting her and your life being made a living hell.

I am in my second marriage now. I have 2 kids from my first and they spend half their time with my ex... I cannot tell you how horrible it has been not to tuck them in every night, only half, or how excruciating it is to have to watch my ex decide on a very punative way of child-rearing... and NOT have any input, and NOT be there when a few a soft words from me might spare them his anger or frustration. Those type of things are my only regrets from leaving an unhappy marriage, but they are pretty hard to deal with, even more so for my sons.

I hope you find your way through this to a place you can all be happy.
yips123's Avatar yips123 04:53 PM 04-19-2007
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.
muckemom's Avatar muckemom 05:00 PM 04-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.
I would ask for a divorce... you deserve to be happy and your wife deserves to be with someone who truly IS in love with her...

I'm not saying that to cast you in a bad light... quite the opposite.. good for you for knowing how you feel, and for being willing to do something about it. Most men would just sleep around (heck, even most women would too)

If you TRULY aren't in love with your wife and you don't think there is anything that can change that, then you owe it to both of you to end it now, before the resentment and animosity gets so strong you begin to hate each other.
yips123's Avatar yips123 05:04 PM 04-19-2007
"And beware the coworker-the grass always looks greener when things aren't going so well at home."

I can tell you the co-worker has been my only support. Yes, i know people will think I am doing this because of the co-worker, but I can honestly say I am not. I just want to be happy and being married is not making me happy. I do not feel I was ever meant to be married...I don't know if i have the ability to be married or to be in love. I don't think my wife will ever understand that and I don't expect her to.
anamama's Avatar anamama 05:07 PM 04-19-2007
I suggest figuring out if you can hang in there for another couple of years until your son is in school full time. At that time, you can decide whether you want to remain in the marriage or not. If you split up now, your wife would probably have to go to work, and your son would be in day care. Your relationship with your wife sounds pleasant enough, albeit dull, and it sounds like you love your son more than anything.
If you can't imagine sticking with the current situation for that long, then you should separate. This would be traumatic for everyone, especially your ds.

Personally, I know how much it would bother me to be in a passionless relationship, and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life like that, either. Taking on an extramarital relationship would just be crazy, and could possible effect future custody arrangements. Don't do it. Put that energy into your relationship with your wife. It sounds like you two haven't really had a chance to be together.

You said that you want to come home and be with your son and do the things you always wanted to do. Why don't you? You are not your relationship, you are you.
Invite your wife to join you. Bring home supper for her parents, and ask her to pack a picnic for the three of you and go throw a frisbee around or something.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you find a way that works for you and your family.
dinah's Avatar dinah 05:12 PM 04-19-2007
There's an active forum (like this one) that can provide support (from both men and women) in a situation like this at http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It was very helpful for me during a very difficult time. Good luck.
yips123's Avatar yips123 05:13 PM 04-19-2007
I would love to be honest with her because she deserves it, but i know how crushed she would be because of this. I already know she would want to sell the house and take my son away. She has told me in past that she would if I ever cheated or wanted out. My wife and I are both 30yrs of age. I know she will feel that starting a new life would be too much for her. I've known her for 13 years. I know how she is. It will not be a pretty situation if I was honest with her. It will so horrible, that I don't think i want to do it even if I won't be happy for the rest of my life.
devster4fun's Avatar devster4fun 05:13 PM 04-19-2007
I'm glad you found MDC and I hope you find some support.

But, you asked for thoughts and opinions. (These are mine. Please take with a grain of salt)

Based soley on your posts...and your unwillingness to seek counseling....it sound like you are at a crossroads. I mean, do you intend to carry on this charade for the next 15-20 years?

To me, it sound like you have some issues with accountability. Unless you were drugged or married at gunpoint, how exactly were you "coaxed?" It sounds like it's time to be honest with your wife and give her a chance to react. And, interesting that you bring up another woman. (the co-worker) According to you, eventually the same thing would happen. You would date, she would want a committment and you would feel trapped.

Why are you so dismissive of counseling? It appears you have issues with committment, accountability, honesty etc...Why not be open to learning about your authentic self and how it fits into the life you have now, or want to have in the future? If you've not tried it, I'm surprised your judgement is so harsh. If you've had counseling in the past that didn't help...you need to find a therapist who does.

Best wishes for you to find yourself and your happiness.
Amris's Avatar Amris 05:23 PM 04-19-2007
You got yourself in this situation by being dishonest.

Do you actually think that continuing the dishonesty will help you in any way? Have you not figured out yet that your dishonesty is destructive?

You went with things because you didn't want to hurt anyone. At any point in time, you could have had the confrontation and ended things at that point. Rather than do that, though, you drug things out, drug things out, drug things out.

Now you're going to hurt her worse than if you'd been honest to begin with.

If you keep going, and keep going because "I don't want to hurt her," then at some point, you are going to hurt her even worse.

Every time you put off doign what you KNOW is right (being honest), you make the situation worse.

You lied about being in love. You lied about wanting to stay with her. You lied about not minding her parents staying for a while. You lied about not minding her parents living with you.

How many more lies are you going to tell? Just how far are you going to let this go? How bad does it have to be before it's okay to "hurt her"? When she'll end up suicidal? Can't do it until then? Can't do it until her dad dies so it can be "dad died and hubby left me, too"?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but you really need to realize that there will NEVER be a time in the future where it will hurt her LESS than it would today.

You've allowed yourself to be emotionally coerced into a great many things you didn't want to do. It has caused you nothing but trouble.

So why do you keep allowing it?
UmmBnB's Avatar UmmBnB 05:35 PM 04-19-2007
My brother just left his ex-wife (they divorced 2 years ago and she convinced him to try and reconcile) of 14 years. He was here visiting last weekend and he is more alive than he's been for 14 years. He is happy for the first time in 14 years.

Everyone deserves happiness. I'm not a proponent of staying together for the kids. I don't think growing up with miserable parents is any more healthy than growing up as a child of divorce.
muckemom's Avatar muckemom 05:38 PM 04-19-2007
[QUOTE=UmmBnB;7897662]My brother just left his ex-wife (they divorced 2 years ago and she convinced him to try and reconcile) of 14 years. He was here visiting last weekend and he is more alive than he's been for 14 years. He is happy for the first time in 14 years.

Everyone deserves happiness. I'm not a proponent of staying together for the kids. I don't think growing up with miserable parents is any more healthy than growing up as a child of divorce.[/QUOTE]

Yeah to the bolded part.

1. She could sell the house, true... but she could NOT take your child away from you

2. Being in daycare would be far less damaging to your son then living in a loveless home, and if anyone thinks a child can't pick up on that they're wrong.
Petersmamma's Avatar Petersmamma 05:40 PM 04-19-2007
I agree with Amris.

If you are this unhappy, you should get out. You deserve, she deserves it, and your son deserves it.

Although I definitely do think that once you have kids you should try to work things out if at all possible, I definitely do NOT believe in "staying together for the kids".

Also, sure, your wife may have to work and your son may go into a daycare if you divorce. But you know what? That really isn't such a bad thing. Most kids love daycare.

I don't think waiting is the answer. If you know, in your heart, what you need to do, then do it. If you don't know, then therapy is a good option (it isn't just for people who want to hurt themselves or others) as it is an objective source helping you to look at life in a different light.

Good luck.

FWIW, I second the warning about the co-worker. There is no better, only different (as in, all relationships have their problems).
yips123's Avatar yips123 05:48 PM 04-19-2007
I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.
muckemom's Avatar muckemom 05:51 PM 04-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.
Then don't complain... if thats what you choose then make the best of it...

But for the record, there is no way to live like this forever, and your wife is going to be a lot more pissed once you've wasted 23 years instead of just 13...
mata's Avatar mata 05:52 PM 04-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work. I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need to. Yes, I'm not happy with life, but not to the point where I am thinking of doing something bad to myself or someone else.
I wasn't suggesting you were going to harm yourself or someone else-I suggested therapy as a means of understanding how and where to find happiness and fulfillment. Looking outside ourselves and hoping to find happiness in a relationship, a job, etc. can be a slippery slope. A therapist can help you discern appropriate actions to take (obviously doing something drastic like having an affair or quickly getting a divorce might create pain, hurt and regret) that will help you be happier. Believe me, I've been there before (21 years ago) and felt all the things you describe, not to mention having a confidante at work. I created a LOT of pain for myself and others by acting impusively and looking for happiness outside myself. Good luck to you.

Anyway-I see you're thinking you have no choice but to live with your circumstance. I say you can take steps to improve them.
devster4fun's Avatar devster4fun 06:04 PM 04-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.

In the future, label these type of posts as "Vent." That way, people know you are just getting your feelings out and not looking for helpful suggestions. It's frustrating when perfect strangers take the time to consider your situation and offer suggestions, when that's not what you want.

You "hate" when people suggest something that they have found tremendous help from. Yet, you're not happy with your life.

You made your bed.....
Amris's Avatar Amris 06:05 PM 04-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
I know i lied about a great number of things, especially my feelings. It kills me everyday to realize what i've done. I just can't be honest with her about this. I just have to live this life i created. Not sure what else to say.
You know, you really need to stop it.

You CAN be honest with her.

You WON'T be honest with her.

Stop saying "I can't" when that's just another lie in a long line of lies. You CAN.

You actively CHOOSE not to, REGARDLESS of the fact that you will, in the end, destroy her life because you CHOSE to continue to LIE.

If you WON'T be honest with her, at least stop lying to yourself. I won't let you lie to me and to the people here.

Saying you can't is a lie. You simply choose not to be honest with her.

You choose a life without integrity. Which is your right to do, but at least be honest about it somewhere and with someone.

Every day that you lie to her again will bring you lower and lower. Your self esteem will dwindle because you are 1. A liar, 2. Weak, 3. Lacking in compassion towards her.

These behaviors and actions create self-loathing. Self-loathing leads to addictive behaviors. Addictive behaviors lead to abusive behaviors.

This is the life you have to look forward to if you stay on this road you have chosen. Think about it.

And then start being honest with yourself, "I could end this now when it will hurt everyone a lot less. But I CHOOSE NOT TO because I am too weak to be honest and face the consequences of my lies."

Now, that being said, I know how you feel from the front of not wanting to hurt someone. But you not doing this for her. You are doing it for you. You don't want to face the consequence of being honest. So you lie, thinking that there are less consequences for that.

This is an illusion, and one day, when you are standing over your son, in a towering rage, with a bottle of booze in your hand... and you suddenly realize what you're doing, and wonder how you got there... you'll realize that you are hurting her and your son horribly, terribly, wretchedly. And you have no one to blame but yourself.

On the bright side, you can always buy another bottle of booze to drown out the painful realization.

For a few hours, at least.

And by the way, no one ever thinks they could end up doing that sort of thing. EVER.

But the path you're on is EXACTLY the path that a huge number of alcoholics have travelled.

I recommend you find a new path, immediately. I recommend that you man up, take responsibility for your lies, and do the right thing for everyone involved. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a place one day, that you can't even imagine right now.

So filled with self-loathing and rage that you find yourself hurting others.

What will you do then? You will look back and say, "I should have taken responsibility for this a long time ago."

Perpetuating a lie so you can avoid facing consequences, is not taking responsibility. You are just telling yourself that so that you can get out of actually facing these consequences.

You are telling yourself lies so that you can continue to hide from the adult responsibility of being honest at last.
dillonandmarasmom's Avatar dillonandmarasmom 06:06 PM 04-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Unfortunately, I have found no website which supports men the way this website supports women. So, even though I am a man, I hope to have some feedback on my situation. Thirteen years ago I met a girl via a blind date. Throughout our relationship I never really felt love, but just felt comfortable. I just thought things were meant to be between this woman and I even though I never truly believed she was my true love. In June 2000, we got married. About 3 months before we got married, I cheated on her. It was a very rough time. She was devastated at what I had done. I expressed at the time how I did not want to get married, but I gave in to the pressure. I was getting pressured by her, her family, and my family to get married. She forgave me for what I did and we moved on. While living with my parents for the first few months, she expressed to me that we needed privacy and needed to get our own place. I wanted us to to save mor emoney, but she really was pushing for the house. So I gave in again. We bought a house and about 2 months later she tells me that her parents are coming to stay with us for a few months. I said ok even though the whole purpose for us getting the house was for our privacy. The first year it was 2 months, the next year, it was 4 months, the next year it was 8 months. After the second year, i knew the reason why she rushed me to get a house and I think you do as well. It did not bother too much, but I kinda felt used. Anyway, in 2003, we had a baby boy. I never felt so alive. My son now is my world. In 2004, while her parents were staying with us, her father had a stroke. They are now staying with us permanently. I don't totally mind they are staying with us, but everyday I don't feel like going home to see these people. Sometimes I feel God put me on this earth to be the key they needed. My money goes to pay mortgage, utlities, car, food, and everything else. Now, don't get me wrong, my wife does everything for me. She cooks, cleans, washes my clothes, and is a great mother, but for some reason none of it appeals to me much. Earlier this year, I met women at my job. She is great. I feel so good around her. I wish wasn't married so I could be with her. I have not cheated on my wife. As long as I wear my wedding ring, I respect that i am married. To be honest, I do not feel that i have the ability to love a woman. I love my wife for being the mother to my son, but that's it. I go home everyday pretending I am in love with her. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I know it would be devasting to her to get a divorce. It would kill her. Plus, she would make my life a living hell. I want so much to be happy, but to the to extent where it would crush her. I sit at my desk everyday wishing i wasn't married. I feel dead. My life is dead. It hurts me so much that i'm married. I don't want to hear about getting marriage counselling. I hate when people think that getting counselling will help. I know i will never be happy again. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't know what to do.

Please understand that I have never been in your shoes regarding marriage, but I have felt many of those similar feelings. I have had those thoughts during three different episodes of depression. I suffer from cyclical depression brought on by stress and exhaustion. It can definitely develop just as easily by living a web of lies, as you are.
You shared some pretty tell-tale phrases of depression. Sure, you assume you will be happy outside of this marriage. Truth be told, there is no magic solution.
I do agree that what you created and are continuing is very detrimental to everyone involved.
FME, you would defintiely benefit from a visit to a doctor. You can express these feelings, request a simple written, multiple choice test, answer it honestly, and discover whether you truly are depressed. If you are not, it will solidify that. If you are, it can be very eye-opening.
I won't press the counseling. Youa re obviously not interested. And, to be honest, it can be a very uncomfortable journey to find one you feel good about. Counselors come in all shapes and sizes, good and bad...
You are absolutely at a crossroad...now make a move.
grisandole's Avatar grisandole 06:17 PM 04-19-2007
Moving to parents as partners

Oops, moving back to PG so the OP can read!
Nickarolaberry's Avatar Nickarolaberry 06:36 PM 04-19-2007
Hmmm.

I agree with some of the previous posters. You are certainly living a lie, and it isn't fair to anyone.

However, I disagree with the premise that "happiness" is the end-all and be-all of relationships and should be what you strive for at all times. Obviously, noone wants to be unhappy. Everyone wants to feel "in love" with their partner. But those kind of feelings are, at best, elusive. Being "in love" and "in passion" and "happy" are feelings that wax and wane with how life is going at any given moment. Passion and the feeling of being "in love" tend to temper over time into something more deep and meaningful -- certainly that passion and love is there but the urgency of it as we experienced at the dawn of a relationship usually dissipates somewhat.

The key isn't looking to someone else to find happiness. The key is being honest with yourself about what you really want in life and how you need to go about achieving it. If you don't see your marital relationship as one which can be fulfilling and meaningful over the long haul, then you need to examine what kind of love relationship *would* and what that relationship would look like. Not just what the other person would look like/do/be like -- but how the relationship would work between you, and what YOU would put into it.

You can't be "happy" -- or maybe a better term would be content or deeply satisfied -- with someone else until you are at peace with yourself in a real way. That means being honest with yourself about your own accountability, behavior, and responsibilities. I don't really understand your resistance to therapy as it would be a way of finding out some of these issues with an objective party, but then again maybe I do. Because if honesty is a problem for you -- and it looks like it really is and has been for a very long time -- then the naked honesty upon which real therapy depends would be exceedingly uncomfortable for you. Maybe you're frightened of that. And if you are, even getting out of your marriage isn't going to help you much. You'll just be right back where you started and liable to make exactly the same mistakes.

And in the process you will have torn apart several lives.

So before you decide on a course of action WRT your marriage, maybe you should figure out what it is you really want, and start digging a bit into yourself so that you can rebuild a sense of self that is healthy, accountable, and honest about how you should live your life.
meowee's Avatar meowee 06:56 PM 04-19-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by yips123 View Post
Sometimes I feel i was coaxed into marriage, but I am past this realization. I guess my way of showing I did not want to get married was to cheat. It didn't work.
Don't you see how passive aggressive that is? If you didn't want to get married, you are the one responsible for not getting married. To cheat so she will break up with you is absolutely the wrong way to get out of a marriage/ relationship. It sounds to me like you are blaming everyone but yourself, yet you are too afraid of change to get out of a situation you have nothing but complaints about. And again the fact that you won't leave is your wife's fault (in your eyes), not yours-- "she would make your life a living hell" so you can't leave. You seem unwiling to recognize that you got yourself into this situation and you are the only one keeping yourself there.
gottaknit's Avatar gottaknit 06:57 PM 04-19-2007
Just a couple of thoughts:

You've been a couple for 13 years, and you are 30 years old? You've spent your entire adult lives with the same person and that's all you know, now you think there must be something "better" out there. This is a normal reaction, but not necessarily true or likely.

It doesn't seem like there's any specific problem with your wife. It seems like the main problem is that her parents live with you and you've never been on your own together. Just being bored with your wife, and you life, isn't a good enough reason to throw everyone's lives into chaos.

Every long term relationship goes through dull periods - it takes work to make things interesting. You could divorce her and start a new life with the co-worker, but realistically you'll probably feel the same way about her in 5 or 10 years, too.

I agree with the previous poster that you need to learn to be happy with yourself and not expect to find happiness in some perfect soul-mate. How about a hobby? Sport? Career change? Continuing education? You just sound bored and whiny to me.
lilgreen's Avatar lilgreen 07:32 PM 04-19-2007
I haven't read the other posts, so I apologize for any redundancy. I just wanted to say that you should see a counsellor. Not so that you can 'fix' things, but rather so that you can be clear about your needs and wants and also so you can develop a strategy to move forward with your life, whatever that may entail. You may find that learning to set boundaries can give you the independence you need. You may realize something else. The great thing about counselling is not that someone tells you why and how your life is messed up and how to fix it, but rather it gives you the ability to look at things from angles that you couldn't see from before. often benefit packages include counselling services of some kind. I would truly look into it.



lilgreen
mandib50's Avatar mandib50 07:37 PM 04-19-2007
if you don't want to be married and you're unwilling to try counselling or to put the work into yourself and your marriage to make the changes needed, then it is not fair to your WIFE to continue to lie to her. she deserves better.

i think it's cowardly to express this to complete strangers and other people in your life instead of discussing this with your wife.
rpar003's Avatar rpar003 07:49 PM 04-19-2007
It sounds like you're really unhappy with your life. I'm sorry - that must be hard I hope you can find the support you're looking for.

I agree with what someone else said - do you really want to do this for another 15, 30 years? Counselling isn't just if you feel like you'll hurt yourself or others, counselling can help you get to a happier and healthier place in your life. Help you figure out what really is the best path for you. It may be that the first counselor you see doesn't "fit" quite right, but it really can help (and keep looking til you find the right one!)

Since you have a child involved who you obviously love deeply, the first choice would probably be to find a way to work things out with your wife. This might not be possible, and being divorced is by no means the end of the world - but you (or your wife) would not see your son as often.

If you really don't feel you can remain with your wife, then let her be free to find someone who really will love her. I have a good friend who realized two years into her marriage that it was a huge mistake. She loved her husband, but just in a brotherly way. It hurt both of them a lot to end the relationship, but they are now both happily married (to other people!).

Good luck, and I hope you find a way to be happier.
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