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#241 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 12:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
that i should have known better .........it would have changed my life radically.
that someone should have stopped me. that those men should have stopped themselves. that I could be without pain about that part of my life ....and I'm not.
and then thinking about that makes me sad. I wish it weren't true....and it leads me back to I am unloveable.
I get so angry w/ my niece for acting the way she does , because it mirrors alot of who I was ....and reminds me of my past and of my pain.


Ok. It sounds like what you get for holding onto that belief is that ~


you get to be right.


Can you know more than God (the god of your understanding) about what things mean?

Do you trust that the god of your understanding is the seer and knower of all things, or do you find yourself assuming that position by believing your story and therefore being right in your thinking?


Who needs God when you have your opinion?




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#242 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 01:28 PM
 
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I do believe that my god is the seer and knower of all things.
so why is it so hard to let go of my story and my need to control my life?
I don't want something horrible to happen....as it happens in my thoughts.....and I need to control it enough to keep my thoughts at bay....
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#243 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for sharing that. If you don't mind, would you share your thoughts on the best way to really start to make The Work a "habit"? I guess I feel like I have a bunch of pieces, but am not quite sure how to begin to put them into the puzzle so that I can really create that space for it to become a regular part of my life, instead of something I think about from time to time.......does that make sense?



By the way.....just wanted to say again, how amazing I think it is that you are taking so much time with us all Thank you Mamma!!


You are so welcome, Earth Angel. It is such a joy for me to share this Work with others and I love the convenience of the set up at a discussion board where many, many people can gather together on their own time to learn, talk and study such an amazing tool as The Work.


As far as integrating the habit goes ~ I can only share my experience, as I have no advice to give. . .


Again, when I became swept away by the miraclulous effects of The Work in my life, I was very moved. So moved that I began to take notice of how I spent every little minute of my time . . . and began to ask myself, "Is it true?" Is it true that I would spend my time most-happily and highest-functioning doing what I'm doing in that moment?

And there was no shame or blame when I noticed the refused option to put The Work where it previously had not been. There was just a noticing . . . a mental inventory . . . an awakening process in which I saw (and still continue to see on this path of evolution) where I have options and choices that I can work and move in order to make more time for The Work.

It is interesting to notice, too, that sometimes I choose not to do The Work even when my story has it that "I need to do The Work" about something. It is at those times that I'm getting better and better at 'catching myself' at moving away from reality. . . arguing with reality, with what is which, in that moment, is to NOT do The Work (whether I believe that I "can't" or "won't"), I notice.


Let's say, for example, that I am vegging out in front of MDC, which I've found myself doing from time to time. Maybe I'm aware enough in the moment to notice that there's conflict in my thought. My thoughts say something such as, "You really should be cleaning the house/being with the children/doing The Work/etc./etc./etc."

However, when I look at my body, I notice that it is actually not moving toward those things that I believe I should be doing. Instead, it is just sitting there, not cooperating (or so the story goes!) and just vegging out.


That is where war begins in the world, you know. Inside of Mind.


So, how I live out of that unquestioned, stressful story (question #3) that conflicts with reality in the moment is that I start 'laying down the law' in my own head, against my own dear self. I threaten and judge and criticize. . . basically leaving myself, abandoning my dear inner child because the 'adult' side of me needs to be right and, after all, has all the evidence in the world that it is, indeed, right! I SHOULD get up out of the chair and do the dishes! I should! After all, they're piled up high and a good mother just does not let that happen in her home . . . the thoughts say as they shake their finger at the self that is not cooperating.


And then I notice how I react when I believe the thought that I should be doing something differently than I am and I simply am not. I notice that I render myself emotionally paralyzed with all the layers of thought pollution being created in my mind - from the thought war - and that I am now even more hopeless than before I had the original thought! Well, the crazy-making appearance of that agonizing dance is impetus enough, alone, to move onto the next question (# 4) in which I ask myself, "Who would you be without your story?" I then imagine that, without that story of "should be doing something different than I am" , I am just a woman, sitting, surfing MDC. A woman sitting, relaxing, enjoying herself. . . noticing things . . . And that, in that space of relaxed, non-fearful noticing, I can see clearly my options. They may or may not consist of the following examples to my original thought:

I could continue to sit and read MDC.

Noticing the dishes in the sink, I could stand up, walk to the sink and begin to wash them.

I could contemplate things and decide to do the dishes in a little while and not feel stress surrounding that decision (as in the case that includes the element of procrastination, which is the result of a conflicted and therefore confused mind).

Etc. (You probably get the point.)



~
So, It is and has been muchly about prioritization. An appearing-to-be-but-far-from ruthless prioritization. As a single and homeschooling mama, I have noticed that I can only have time, physical & mental energy and daylight hours to do so much. . . certainly far, far from what I would do if I had more of those things and/or different circumstances in my life. But I do not wish for different circumstances or more time or energy. I used to wish for that . . . In fact, I have experienced being on my knees in tears & desperation about those subjects many, many a time during my 12 years of mothering, before The Work came into my life.


I've noticed, also, that the stories which I'm now making time to investigate are *already* dominating my every waking moment. That I can't NOT think about them. That they literally rule my world. That, in fact, The Work has very much helped me move out of denial about the fact that these stories are on my mind -dominating my attention - literally all of the time, with or without my conscious awareness of them (which I had previously worked very hard at building up walls to avoid, in my innocence, by means of the addictions I discussed previously).


I now recognize that I simply do not have the power to NOT make my stressful thoughts a first priority in the realm of my thinking, which I take wherever I go and that, as I become more and more *aware* due to discovering the awesome power of awareness, I can really understand how it is in my best interest to be genuinely present with each one of my stressful thoughts, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, as much as it is possible for me to do in my ldaily life.


Lately, it's really, really been becoming crystal clear to me, through my inquiry practice, that it is precisely because of the path that I've walked (a sometimes grueling one, or so my story has gone. . . ) that I am who I am and that I know what I know because of my sometimes very challenging path, and I experience true appreciation and gratitude when thinking that thought, as opposed to using that thought to be dismissive and belittling to my struggles by chalking them up to be stepping stones (i.e. rationalization).


I am so very, very filled with gratitude to be who I am and to know what I know. In fact, my most-adored meditation these days is the one where I notice the beauty and awe in my own suffering - even in the most intense moments of my suffering. That, whenever I've suffered in this life, my heart & mind have simultaneously been wide open and the beauty of that experience, when I have The Work, is indescribable.


It certainly gives me a radically-different perspective on the experience I call pain.


If any of you have checked out the website for The Work, you may have noticed a section titled Number 6, listed under the title of 'Embracing Reality' on that webpage. Number 6 is indeed about embracing reality, in my experience. Number 6 is where we substitute the statements ~ "I'm willing to. . ." and "I look forward to. . ." to our answer to the last question on the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet (which is: What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
I don't ever want to ____________________________________________
___________________________________.
) because we find that it is going through something again (AKA pain & suffering) that is our way out of it. Not around it, above it or below it, but THROUGH it. And it is in going through it that we find our salvation, in my experience.


Therefore, I am finding that I am willing to and, at this point, eagerly looking forward to my experiences of suffering in this life. . . of which there happen to be fewer and fewer and fewer, thanks to my answers to the questions of The Work.




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#244 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. -- Byron Katie




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#245 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mothertoall
so why is it so hard to let go of my story and my need to control my life?
I don't want something horrible to happen....as it happens in my thoughts.....and I need to control it enough to keep my thoughts at bay....

I hear you, mama. And I'm noticing you moving away from answering the questions and moving back toward your story. I'm inviting you to come back and to trust the process . . . gently bring yourself back to inquiry. There will be plenty of time for your story, later.



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Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
I do believe that my god is the seer and knower of all things.

Ok. Thank you for clarifying that.

So, do you then implicitly trust your god to be in charge of ruling the universe, of the fate of your life, of your niece's fate?




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#246 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 02:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by May May View Post
If any of you have checked out the website for The Work, you may have noticed a section titled Number 6, listed under the title of 'Embracing Reality' on that webpage. Number 6 is indeed about embracing reality, in my experience. Number 6 is where we substitute the statements ~ "I'm willing to. . ." and "I look forward to. . ." to our answer to the last question on the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet (which is: What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
I don't ever want to ____________________________________________
___________________________________.
) because we find that it is going through something again (AKA pain & suffering) that is our way out of it. Not around it, above it or below it, but THROUGH it. And it is in going through it that we find our salvation, in my experience.


I'd like to amend the above by mentioning that it absolutely does not HAVE to hurt to Work through things and that, in my personal experience, the pain begins to shift after a while of practicing The Work. The pain begins to take on a whole new definition, in fact.


It very much is reminding me of giving birth naturally. People ask me if it hurt to give birth in the desert. I've often sat, silently, unable to respond to that. I find myself thinking that there is just so much more to the story than simply *hurt* and that, because of the other glorious and beautiful parts to my story of birth, the hurt takes on a whole new meaning and therefore ceases to be known as pain at all. Suffering, as everything else, is always a story. . . and therefore can be Undone through answering the questions of The Work.




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#247 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 03:02 PM
 
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yes....but does it mean that if I trust GOD to be in charge that I am supposed to do NOTHING? I mean...I am supposed to raise my children/ and my niece....not just trust that GOD is raising them right?
or am I trusting that GOD is showing me the way?
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#248 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 03:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yes....but does it mean that if I trust GOD to be in charge that I am supposed to do NOTHING? I mean...I am supposed to raise my children/ and my niece....not just trust that GOD is raising them right?
or am I trusting that GOD is showing me the way?

I am asking you if you trust that your god is in charge of your fate or if you believe that you are in charge of your fate.


I want to be careful to distinguish between the semantics of the words fate and behavior --


For example, my personal belief is that God is in charge of my destiny (as in when and how I will die, whether or not I or my children will get sick, what will come of my best efforts in this world, etc.) and that my job is to be the one who is in charge of my behavior, my actions, in this life while trusting that, in always doing the best that I can, I am doing all that is in my personal power to do and that the rest is God's business.


Is that helpful?
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#249 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 04:47 PM
 
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God is in charge of my fate.
I need to ask a quick off topic question that maybe you can answer....
short and sweet....what do you think of seeing numbers.?
I see 11's ...and 22's ....simply put...I could go into it...but its been for years now....I see them all the time everywhere....if you have any insight could we veer off a second?
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#250 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do not know about numbers. . . I am offering The Work on this thread. That is my job, here. Your job, if you choose, is to answer the questions of The Work. Or not.




The topic here is of answering the questions in response to your stressful belief that your niece should know better than to be flirtatious with grown men.


And The Work only works when you answer the questions. . .


Are you willing to stay on topic, mama?

~
So is it true for you, in your opinion, that you get to be right in this scenario? That that's what the payoff is for you in attaching to this belief that causes you suffering? Do you get to be The One Who Knows (and therefore declares) What Meaning Things Have?


I ask you now to sit with that noticing, if it is true for you, feeling what it feels like to sit in the stress of needing to be right. After that, please sit in the awareness of your truth that you believe God is in charge of your fate (i.e. please sit in the space of 'not knowing' what is best for you and for your niece but, instead, trusting God to be the one to know what is best for you and her and to carry that out).


This Work really is a meditation. That is why it is affectionately yet sincerely referred to as 'The Work'.


This Work is about closing your eyes while the mind asks the questions and then waits, silently, for the heart to answer.


To move back into your story, even just in your thinking, is to move away from inquiry and back to the suffering. . . in my experience.


And it's always a beginning.



~
After sitting with that awareness for as long as you need, please come back to the following questions ~


Whose business are you in mentally when you think the thought that your niece should know better than to be flirtatious with grown men?

Does the thought bring you peace or stress?
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#251 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 08:13 PM
 
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I just want to say that I was going to abandon this thread.....I realize I went off topic...but I really felt like I was a little child being told that I did something wrong. It really hurt.....
I am going to answer you on the business question...i'm in my nieces business I guess...but I am supposed to raise her, how do i raise her without being in her business?

oh, the thought, brings me stress.

I can't say if I will be back....though.
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#252 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 08:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I thought of some more in response to this ~


Quote:
Originally Posted by Earth Angel View Post
Thank you for sharing that. If you don't mind, would you share your thoughts on the best way to really start to make The Work a "habit"? I guess I feel like I have a bunch of pieces, but am not quite sure how to begin to put them into the puzzle so that I can really create that space for it to become a regular part of my life, instead of something I think about from time to time.......does that make sense?


I used to read while I ate and sometimes while on the potty. Now I sit and do The Work during these activities, instead.

I also do The Work instead of reading threads on MDC, when I would otherwise.

I also do The Work while driving, while falling asleep at night and when I'm laying awake at 3am due to some anxious thought jolting itself into my endocrine system and reacting by waking me from peaceful sleep with a stressful thought.

I also do The Work in between listening to my precious children share themselves with me.

I also do The Work instead of watching TV or movies. In fact, I almost never view films due to my commitment to making as much time as possible for The Work to work in my life and still being available to my other commitments that are equally important to me such as caring for my children, sunshine, food, water, sleep, etc.


After a while, I began to see how the Work worked and I developed a voracious appetite for understanding. I wanted to understand all things. A natural result of that desire born in me was an incredibly open mind.


The Work is a living, moving meditation in my life. It is a headspace that I 'sit in' as I live my daily life.



Hopefully this is painting a much more tangible picture, in answer to your question.
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#253 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to say that I was going to abandon this thread.....I realize I went off topic...but I really felt like I was a little child being told that I did something wrong. It really hurt......

Oh, dear mama, I hear you.

I want to remind you that are absolutely free and autonomous in this conversation. And The Work is, simply, a series of questions. They nor I can tell you anything about you, in fact, such as your hearing that you did something wrong. That did not come from the questions nor from me.

After all, how can questions tell you that you did anything at all?

My job is to hold the space for inquiry. I cannot advise you or guide you in your decision-making in your life ~ that would be your job.

The purpose of The Work, as well as my intention, is to support and enable you to be in touch with that part of you that has the answers, that is the guide. You're the one and only who holds the key to your heart, dear one.


I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt, mothertoall.


I'm here for you if you'd like to do The Work, and I completely understand if it's not time for this in your life, mama. Please let me know your decision.

There will be absolutely no judgment coming from me whatsoever, and I feel only understanding and unconditional acceptance for where you're at, right here, right now.


Much Love.
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#254 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 09:50 PM
 
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okay...i'm in her business....but how isn't it my business? I am supposed to be raising her?
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#255 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 11:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Glad to see you've decided to stay present for the ride.


We're doing mental surgery here, sweetheart, and it can sometimes get overbearing, I know. I'll totally understand if you just don't want to finish. . . and I highly encourage you to do so. I believe that you will be very glad you did.



Quote:
Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
okay...i'm in her business....but how isn't it my business? I am supposed to be raising her?

You are moving away from this process by analyzing, again, love. There will be plenty of time later to discuss your thoughts about other stories. Right now, we're doing The Work on the particular story that's titled My Niece Should Know Better Than to Be Flirtatious With Grown Men. Remember: you are not making any decisions, right now, you are only considering your answers to some questions.
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#256 of 796 Old 07-04-2007, 11:21 PM
 
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I don't know.
I want to do this...but my mind gets cluttered trying to answer....
I honestly don't know the answer to your question.
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#257 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 12:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
I don't know.
I want to do this...but my mind gets cluttered trying to answer....
I honestly don't know the answer to your question.

It's ok, it's ok. That strain you're feeling is your mind excercising new perspective muscles, some for the first time. Be assured, it is a normal part of learning The Work.


Let's just move onto the next question.


Mothertoall, who would you be, living your life as you normally do, day to day, without the thought that your niece should know better than to be flirtatious with grown men? What would that feel like. Close your eyes. Imagine. . .



. . . then please describe what you see and experience.
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#258 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 12:46 AM
 
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I would be a happier person. I know that...I can consciously know what I am doing keeps me in a sad place...but i still do it. I know I would be happier without the thought.
I experience myself having a fun day...where WE are a family instead of a bunch of individuals fighting for space and love....
I see happy children....fullfilled mama....and content and happy dp.
I see less stress.....alot less stress....not a stress gone...but stress lessened.
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#259 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 10:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok. Good. And I invite you to really sit in that imagining - sit with your eyes closed and *feel* the experience of life without that thought. . . please do not concern yourself with what your consciousness knows or doesn't, right now.


Next, close your eyes, picture your niece doing what she does.

Drop your story about her and what she should know better about, period.

Look at her eyes, her face, look closely.


What do you see?
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#260 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 01:18 PM
 
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I see a scared , sad...lonely....frustrated , angry girl.
I see me.....and I hate it.
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#261 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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may may where are you?
I know you have other stuff to do....sorry to bother you....
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#262 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 08:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
I see a scared , sad...lonely....frustrated , angry girl.
I see me.....and I hate it.

Ok. Try to stay out of your story in this meditation. "Hating" seeing "you" is the story I'm referring to. That would be a good thing to question at another time.


When you close your eyes and see your niece's face, without your story of her or you ~ what do you see in her eyes? Look closely. . .



Quote:
Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
may may where are you?
I know you have other stuff to do....sorry to bother you....


Yes, I've had a busy day, today. There are plumbers here drilling and we have no running water in our house so it's a bit hectic. . .

I definitely will not leave you hanging, friend.




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#263 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 08:49 PM
 
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a little girl who just wants to be noticed and loved.
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#264 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 09:11 PM
 
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Thank you May May for sharing The Work with us. I know someone who went to a weekend with Byron Katie and it sounded great. I love to journal through any problem so I find the worksheets awesome!

Thank you mothertoall for going through this - you are very brave!

peace, Helen
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#265 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 09:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
a little girl who just wants to be noticed and loved.

Wow.


Ok, so, how would you treat your niece without that thought?

What might you say to her, how might you behave toward her as she's doing what she does?




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#266 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 09:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you May May for sharing The Work with us. I know someone who went to a weekend with Byron Katie and it sounded great. I love to journal through any problem so I find the worksheets awesome!

Thank you mothertoall for going through this - you are very brave!

peace, Helen


You're welcome! It's my pleasure. Thank you for joining us and for sharing your thoughts, Helen!
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#267 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 10:10 PM
 
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dn....i know its hard growing up...but that is an inappropriate thing you're doing and it makes me totally uncomfortable.
if you need something ...or just need to talk...i'm here...i will do my best to make time for you.
I might act loveingly towards her....
thats what I might do.
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#268 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 10:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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dn....i know its hard growing up...but that is an inappropriate thing you're doing and it makes me totally uncomfortable.
if you need something ...or just need to talk...i'm here...i will do my best to make time for you.
I might act loveingly towards her....
thats what I might do.


Ok. So, question #4 is all about imagination. It's about really getting creative, mentally, visually. The goal with this question is to really go to that place and make it real - without the thought.


Your quote above sounds like it may have the thought still present in the mindset that you paint. See if you can go a littler further. .


Here's another way of wording the question ~


If you were just put on the planet without the ability to think the thought that my niece should know better than to be flirtatious with grown men, who would you be in the same situation? What if it were impossible for you to think that thought?




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#269 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 10:42 PM
 
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I would think she was just a child learning, figureing things out..and trying to be noticed and loved....beyond that i dont' know if i'm answering the question you ask.

I might hold her or hug her....I might tell her she is a wonderful , smart girl...I don't know...this all feels really fake....to me...because I can't imagine doing it ....
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#270 of 796 Old 07-05-2007, 11:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would think she was just a child learning, figureing things out..and trying to be noticed and loved....beyond that i dont' know if i'm answering the question you ask.


This all sounds really good, if it is genuine.



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Originally Posted by mothertoall
I might hold her or hug her....I might tell her she is a wonderful , smart girl...I don't know...this all feels really fake....to me...because I can't imagine doing it ....


Well, you're the one, angel. If, when you ask you, it "feels really fake", then I'd say - get real, sweetheart.


I hear that you can't imagine doing it. Does that mean that you can't imagine who you would be without the thought or that you can't imagine doing the responses you describe?


Mind can't be fooled, in my experience. It knows what is genuine and what isn't.

Would you like to give the question one more try?
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