I am sort of working out a similar situation here--my mom has lots of control issues, meltdowns (with lots of verbal abuse)...I could go on.
Set boundaries. Right now, I am going through the rotten part of setting boundaries. After my mom's most recent outburst in front of my kids (including lots of cursing and belittling), I quietly asked her to leave my home. It is not the first time I have done this. However, it is the first time I have talked with my mother after the meltdown, and laid down some groundrules. She didn't like that. We are currently not talking--actually, she is not talking to me, but I call her every few days to tell her that I love her.
I too, grew up with lots of sadness attached to the relationship with my mother. I tear up just thinking about some of the awful things she said to me. I was a workaholic in high school, college, and beyond--to compensate for all of the shame I felt about my childhood and my childhood home.
My children, like yours, love grandma. That is what has made setting boundaries the hardest. They haven't seen grandma in over a week. I won't lie...this is the part that is so hard. But I have to set the boundaries.
Sounds like you could use a
, and that you have done some really good thinking about you and your mom. Make decisions youi can live with--make sure they are decisions that affect your children positively.
For me, I needed my mom to really understand how much I DIDN'T want all of the hurtful words to ring in my children's ears as they do in mine.
You are geographically close to your mom. Can you limit the time of visits with her--and cut them short when she says or does things that are hurtful?
Oh, forgot to add--I keep hearing good things about the book, Toxic Parents. I haven't yet read it, but I might get a copy soon!