Well, my mom is here - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 92 Old 10-23-2007, 11:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I put this in personal growth, because I can tell I'm going to need some continuity here. More than can be provided in TAO when the thread gets buried by the avalanche of new posts and disappears in a day.

It's so much worse than we thought. She's completely bedridden, in supine position, not able to sit up to eat, groom, get on the computer, talk. Just flat on her back or curled up on one side. She moans in pain and can barely be moved to change her diaper or clean her.

Dd is terrified. I totally screwed up and took dd in to see Nana when we woke up this morning (Mom came in by air ambulance late last night). Mom had her false teeth out and when we came in she reached to put them back in. Well, there's not much more horrifying in the mind of a three year old than watching someone take out or put in false teeth. Plus Mom just looks garish: emaciated, gaunt, slurred speech from pain medication.

Today when the babysitter picked up dd from preschool and brought her home, dd was afraid to go into the house. She walked around outside for awhile and then asked to go next door to the neighbor's to play. When I got home, our neighbor came over carrying a crying dd. She'd heard my car and knew I was home, but was too scared to come home.

Poor mom needs diaper changes three times per day. She needs help with eating. She can't poo without an enema because the back injury affected her pelvic nerves. We're arranging for home nursing but I've been dealing with all this myself over the past two days. Today I came home and she was sobbing and wailing. Said she should never have come, that it was awful, she was so sorry, she just wishes she could die.

I'm just numb. I've canceled all my difficult surgeries the past two days because I just don't trust myself to stay on track emotionally. It's just a mess.
blessed is offline  
#2 of 92 Old 10-24-2007, 03:14 AM
 
CowsRock's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Maryland
Posts: 932
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry...

Mama to 3 year old DS and awaiting #2 in June
CowsRock is offline  
#3 of 92 Old 10-24-2007, 11:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Today was a lot better.

I got up at 5 am and sponge bathed her, washed her hair and changed her diaper, nightgown and bedding. Then off to work. Got home, gave her an enema and helped her on and off the bedpan. She threw up her dinner and I cleaned her up from that.

The home nurses can't start until friday. We'll try to arrange for them to come for an hour in the morning to get her cleaned, fed and diaper changed. Then again an hour at noon to change diaper and feed lunch. I'll handle the rest when I get home from work. Poor dh just walks around wide eyed and keeps asking 'are you alright?'

Dd did much better today. I told her that Nana doesn't mean to be scary, that she's just sick and feels so, so sad right now. Dd would go and peek in the doorway and one time called out "hi Nana!", so I think things are soothing down for her.
blessed is offline  
#4 of 92 Old 10-24-2007, 11:35 PM
 
jumpincholla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 327
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
to you mama. you sound so strong in the face of so much.
jumpincholla is offline  
#5 of 92 Old 10-24-2007, 11:51 PM
 
cycle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 2,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Hopefully with the nurses coming things will normalize a bit and the shock will wear off. You are one strong momma!
cycle is offline  
#6 of 92 Old 10-25-2007, 12:23 AM
 
3.14_Opal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 343
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry! How scary for your dd, but your poor mom, too :
I'm sure your mom loves your dd more than anything and this is just breaking her heart. Your such a wonderful daughter for taking care of your mom. My thoughts are with you.
3.14_Opal is offline  
#7 of 92 Old 10-25-2007, 01:18 AM
 
Blu Razzberri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,748
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This will get easier for you once you find a routine. It will get less scary for your DD as she understands it better. Your DH will figure out what his role is in this and he'll figure out how to become a better support to you. Your mom will soon stop feeling like a 'burden' and start feeling the love. Just give it all a little time; and repeat after me....

This Too Shall Pass

I'll bookmark this thread and check in from time to time. I think you're amazing for being willing to help her; and I think you're incredibly strong for watching her go through this - I know that hurts the most. I'm sending positive vibes to you and your family; and I hope the "easier" comes soon.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
Blu Razzberri is offline  
#8 of 92 Old 10-25-2007, 01:47 AM
 
mamajessica's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In tune with the Universe
Posts: 3,800
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow mama, I am glad that I saw this, as I was thinking about you. I am so glad today was better. I am sure it will be a journey of ups and downs, but I know that you are doing what you felt had to be done and that is just amazing to me. I hope the nurses can start ASAP and get you a break from the labor of it all
mamajessica is offline  
#9 of 92 Old 10-25-2007, 02:38 AM
 
Breastfeeding Insomniac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 1,814
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this adjustment. Even though she is your mom, this is still a huge undertaking for you and your family. Your a wonderful daughter.
Breastfeeding Insomniac is offline  
#10 of 92 Old 10-28-2007, 07:18 PM
 
Blu Razzberri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,748
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've been thinking about you, and I came to check in. How are things now? Is everyone doing better and settled into a bit of a routine? How are you? Do you have someone taking care of your needs too?

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
Blu Razzberri is offline  
#11 of 92 Old 10-29-2007, 04:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for thinking of me. I've been too bitter to face having to talk or write about how things are going.

We're in somewhat of a routine now, but it's not a very pleasant or liveable one. The home nurses stood us up this weekend, so we've still never had anyone out to help us. We hope they show tomorrow.

Basically I'm exhausted. Mom constantly calls out, wanting to be adjusted in bed, or hand her her water, or turn the channel, or comb her hair, or, or, or... It feels a lot like having a new baby in the house. No one can get any rest.

It's really taking a toll on dd. She'd already been reacting negatively to my busy work schedule, and now when I am home I'm constantly pulled away and distracted.

Plus my mother has early dementia and narcissistic personality disorder. Gawd, what a combination. She's paranoid and convinced that we are keeping her captive so that we can get at her money. She's angry that we've arranged for the home nurse to stop by daily because it will cost her $350 per week (Mom stupidly let her medicare B lapse, so she has no coverage). Instead, she thinks that it's completely reasonable to expect me to get up at 4am to get both her and dd cleaned, bathed, dressed and fed before heading off to work, then for dh to spend his lunch hour (which he never actually gets anyway) changing her diaper and feeding her, then for me to start all over again when I get home from work at the end of the day. She truly believes that her care is just this minor blip in our normal schedule and that we have nothing better to do and no other interests than tending to them.

What a freaking mess.
blessed is offline  
#12 of 92 Old 10-29-2007, 04:53 AM
 
Maluhia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: in Paradise with my Papaya!
Posts: 5,157
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh my - I watched my family go through this with one of my grandmothers and it is so rough. I'll be thinking of you.

Do you have a chance to journal? It helped my Mom who was the main caregiver....but it seems your time is so precious now. Maybe when you get reliable nurses you and DD can go for a "girls night out" once a month to a hotel and spend a few days together just the two of you?

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
Maluhia is offline  
#13 of 92 Old 10-29-2007, 10:45 PM
 
WuWei's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: In the moment
Posts: 11,492
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mama, I have read some of your posts about the situation with your mother. I wanted to support you in creating a situation which works for your family, but without the emotional obligation which it sounds like you are experiencing. Consensual solutions don't suck. This sounds overwhelming, abet there is a transiton phase to home health care. I hope that the relationship with your mom is easier for you than the past ~30 years have been. You don't have to "fix" it. As a surgeon, I understand that is a satisfying role. Some things can't be fixed. Your mother seems to have made many autonomous choices and has lived life *her way*.

Nurturing a healthy family environment for your daughter and husband and yourself isn't something in which she has participated. Don't expect miracles. Your heart is obviously wretched about her situation. We can not change other people.

I hope you can find peace with your relationship.


Pat

I have a blog.
WuWei is offline  
#14 of 92 Old 11-01-2007, 04:40 PM
 
Blu Razzberri's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,748
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The nurses thing....was that a paperwork mixup maybe? Whatever happened with that, I'm sorry that happened. Don't feel obligated to write here, if you don't feel like it....I'll check in from time to time anyways.

It's been a while now, and I hope things are going better now. Unlike the PP; I don't know anything about your story prior to this; but I'm here anyways. I'll check in when I can. Hang in there mama!

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
Blu Razzberri is offline  
#15 of 92 Old 11-01-2007, 04:50 PM
 
Canadianmommax3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
how difficult this must be for you all!
Canadianmommax3 is offline  
#16 of 92 Old 11-01-2007, 05:31 PM
 
beanma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: with the dustbunnies & sugar beans
Posts: 8,157
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
blessed, I went back and read one of your older threads. I know you had trouble getting her to stay in a facility when she was in Mexico, but maybe you can find one near you. My dad is in a nursing home and while sometimes I think my mom would prefer to have him at home in reality it's nice for her to be able to go home and relax, too. It sounds like the current situation is difficult for everyone in your family. My mom doesn't have a lot of nice things to say about some of the nurses/CNAs at the nursing home, but especially the agency nurses who fill in on the weekends and are often unreliable. She has some faves on the regular staff, though. Anyway, I realize you're a professional, but I'm not sure that you wouldn't be doing your best by her to place in a facility near you and visit frequently. My mom goes every day for hours at a time (probably a bit too much since she is elderly, too, but it's what she wants). You could go by every day and check in with her and let the staff know that Dr. Blessed was coming by so they'll stay on their toes. Like a previous poster said, the facilities that have an Alzheimers' ward are used to dealing with belligerent patients.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I just wanted to throw it out there. Taking care of an elderly parent that you have a good relationship with and a young child is difficult at best and when you have a strained relationship with the parent, yikes, I can only imagine. . Hope things get better for you all soon.

Mamatreehugger.gif to two girl beans, Feb 2001hearts.gif and Nov 2003coolshine.gif . DH geek.gif, and two crazydog2.gifdog2.gif . Running on biodiesel since 2004!
 
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
beanma is offline  
#17 of 92 Old 11-01-2007, 06:47 PM
 
Laggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 3,124
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Finally pregnant with #1 and #2! Due September 9th, 2014 
   
Laggie is offline  
#18 of 92 Old 11-01-2007, 07:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for hugs and for thinking of me.

In our case, I really don't harbor any illusions about providing better care for Mom at home versus an extended care facility. She just won't go. We'd have to have her declared mentally incompetent and forcefully committed. Someday I expect we'll come to that, but for now I'm just taking it one day at a time.



ETA: Oh, I forgot. The home nurses are coming out now and that part is better. Mom verbally abuses them and tries to fire them, but I guess they're used to having to deal with dementia and so forth, so that hasn't been a major problem so far.
blessed is offline  
#19 of 92 Old 11-01-2007, 07:39 PM
 
beanma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: with the dustbunnies & sugar beans
Posts: 8,157
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Ah, I see. She refuses. Gotcha.

Well, super duper duper big s to you. Glad the nurses are working out, too.

Mamatreehugger.gif to two girl beans, Feb 2001hearts.gif and Nov 2003coolshine.gif . DH geek.gif, and two crazydog2.gifdog2.gif . Running on biodiesel since 2004!
 
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
beanma is offline  
#20 of 92 Old 11-02-2007, 10:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mom's getting stronger, and more difficult to deal with.

Originally she was very weak and just wanted to sleep and moan in pain all day. Her mood was dispair. Now she's better and she wants to talk and socialize, which is difficult given that dh and I work fulltime and are raising a 3 yo. She calls us into the room constantly. Last night I got about 2 hours of sleep, up getting dd dressed and ready at 5 am, worked all day, home at 5pm, and I counted 17 times she called me in the room between then and now (about 7pm.

Dh and I both try to sit with her and talk a bit, but it's difficult and we're both exhausted. Plus she's so negative. Her new thing is to hound me to kill her, as in euthanasia. I don't live in a state in which that is legal and I wouldn't want to do it anyway. It just pisses me off because she lay in her house for the past two years with bottles of narcotics and benzos next to her, always talking about suicide and never doing it. Now she wants to dump it off on me, with no thought or care about what that would do to me or to dd.

It's hard. I'm trying to be empathetic. And I know that she's trying too, in her way.

This sucks.
blessed is offline  
#21 of 92 Old 11-02-2007, 11:14 PM
 
WuWei's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: In the moment
Posts: 11,492
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I do believe in self-elective euthanasia. Has she researched the logistics of this? Assuming she is competent, and in intractable pain, I assume that is a possibility in some areas of the world. Are there specific reasons that she is so negative? I get the impression she is a strong woman. Are there possibilities of cognitive therapy to help her direct her (growing) energies toward a more constructive focus? Perhaps, writing, dictation, other communication vehicles which allow her to connect with the world specific to her interests and passions?

Focus on what you/she can do, rather than what you/she can't do, and it can manifest!




Pat

I have a blog.
WuWei is offline  
#22 of 92 Old 11-04-2007, 12:23 AM
 
RedOakMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: A little stone house
Posts: 6,913
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Blessed, I had no idea this was going on. I am so, so, so sorry you're having to live this. I think you're being very strong in the face of many challenges, so feel free to vent and moan and complain as much as you like....I know I would be.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
RedOakMomma is offline  
#23 of 92 Old 11-04-2007, 08:39 PM
 
mamalisa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Germantown WI
Posts: 8,427
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have no advice, but I'll keep you all in my thoughts. What a difficult situation for everyone involved.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? It might be a good idea for you to have someone outside of your dh to help you deal with it all.
mamalisa is offline  
#24 of 92 Old 11-04-2007, 08:41 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Paradise
Posts: 8,134
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am sorry to hear that. Your dd is going to learn a whole lot of nurturing from you. You are a wonderful daughter.
transformed is offline  
#25 of 92 Old 11-04-2007, 10:00 PM
 
Dabble's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't begin to imagine trying to function on a daily basis with that kind of burden. You are a wonderful person for caring so much. Don't ever forget that.

CPST ***I can help keep your child safe in the car. Ask me a car seat question!***
Dabble is offline  
#26 of 92 Old 11-05-2007, 12:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks everybody. But I'm a terrible person. I'm frustrated and short tempered.

Today the home nurse stole almost all of Mom's pain pills. She was a new one that we hadn't had before and we left to go hiking while she was here. When we came home the bottle was sitting on Mom's bedside table - which is inappropriate in the first place. She's not allowed to give my Mom any medication. Mom is totally incapacitated - cannot even lift her head off the pillow by herself or roll over without help - so there's no question that she couldn't get the pills herself, even with them next to her. She obviously left the bottle at the bedside as a ruse, so she could claim that Mom had taken the meds herself.

God, this sucks.
blessed is offline  
#27 of 92 Old 11-05-2007, 07:33 AM
 
trinity6232000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,418
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Blessed I am so sorry about your situation, and about the nurse. I helped my dad care
for my Mom from 1999 till last year when she passed. It brings up a lot of emotions
that are simply hard to deal with. There were times when I would hear my Mom calling
me from the other room and I would just want to cry. My dd and I lived here and dd had
times when she was afraid of my Mom. She got used to it, and at times it was like the
most normal thing in the world to her. When my Mom had her leg amputated dd was
very upset. She thought that the Dr had "stolen Memaw's leg". It took sometime for dd to
understand that having my Mom's leg amputated was in her best interest. In the end my
dd was given a huge gift for compassion that I don't see in many children.

Caring for a loved one in your home is so hard. So much of the control over our lives is just
shattered. The experience brought up so many feelings in me that I never expected. Be strong.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
trinity6232000 is offline  
#28 of 92 Old 11-05-2007, 09:40 AM
 
maisiedotes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Central MA
Posts: 2,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh my. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine. We are going through a much less severe situation with my grandmother- she is sick and will not go into assisted living and I see the toll it takes on the family emotionally, so I understand how hard it must be for you. You are amazing to take this on. I will be thinking of you and your family. I have not read any of your older posts but do you have any siblings who could help out? Or any other family members? At least it would give you a break to spend some time with your DH and children and do something fun.

I hope everything is going OK.

Kerri, mom to Doran  angel2.gif  (born still 7/6/05 at 33 weeks), Mairaed (11/16/07),  angel1.gif 11/15/08 at 10 weeks,  Kieran (11/2/09).   angel1.gif 1/11/11 at 15 weeks
maisiedotes is offline  
#29 of 92 Old 11-05-2007, 11:05 AM
 
RedOakMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: A little stone house
Posts: 6,913
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed View Post
Thanks everybody. But I'm a terrible person. I'm frustrated and short tempered.
Are you comparing yourself to the Mother Theresa crowd, or are you comparing yourself to we normal humans? Honey, even the best person would be frustrated and short tempered in your situation. This is a stage of your life where you're having to live in a pressure cooker, and NO ONE can stay themselves, or stay happy, or stay perfectly calm and accepting, in those situations. NO ONE.

This isn't fair. To you or your mom, or your daughter, or anybody. Everybody goes through "this" (an incredibly unfair, sad, burdensome stage) in their lives, and eventually this will pass.

Keep your eye on what matters. Put your energy into taking care of yourself, and in staying close to your husband (I don't know about you, but in situations like this I sometimes get really short and mean with the people I can count on), in nurturing your daughter, and in giving what you can to your mom. The rest of life can play second fiddle for a while. Nothing's going to get as much attention as you feel it should, but everything's going to be okay. Really.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
RedOakMomma is offline  
#30 of 92 Old 11-05-2007, 05:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
blessed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,401
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks. I just wanted to say, I was so discouraged this weekend. I can't believe how much everyone's kind words made so much difference.

ROM, I'm so touched by your encouragement, especially. It just meant so much.

blessed is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off