I need advice on how to deal with my offensive "friend" - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-21-2008, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have this "friend" (she used to be my friend in junior high, but I moved and stopped talking to her). The other day, I got on AIM and she started talking to me. I told her that I moved, and that I have Jamie, and she was shocked. She was mad at me for not telling her, which I understood. (She also said that the name Jamie is a bi name [ugh] but I said that it was a boy's name first, and that it's short for James, which I figured she would know...oh well...) What I don't understand is how, instead of saying congratulations and all that, like the average person would, she asks, "Was he planned?" I mean, I know that there are things that you just shouldn't ask, but, apparently, she doesn't, and it could be because she's bipolar. I think she's on medication, which could explain it, because I had another friend who was on medication and she had no inhibition whatsoever. I did admit to her that no, he was not planned. I figured she would stop there, but then she asked if I was on the pill. I said that no, I was not, and I said that I'm glad that I wasn't. She asked why, and instead of yelling at her for asking stuff like that, I said, "Because then I wouldn't have my little boy, who I love more than anything in the world." She then proceeded to tell me that because I'm not in college and I don't have a job that I was wasting my intelligence. She also said that Sam and I are probably going to break up just because someone that she thought she was going to be with forever broke up with her.

I don't understand why she says things like that! She's just so immature and offensive, and, to be honest, I never want to talk to her ever again. I think the only reason I kind of talk to her is because she doesn't really have any friends (apart with the people she drinks and parties with -- and she's only 18...ugh...) and she's very unstable, and I worry that if I dump her completely, she might kill herself. I know that sounds unbelievably egotistical, but I've seen a person who has no inhibition and who is losing friends left and right because of it try to kill herself, and, to be honest, I don't want to have to deal with it all over again. Does anyone have any idea what I should do?

Edit: I just thought of something else that she said that really made me mad, but I didn't call her out about it. When I told her that I gave birth unmedicated, and admitted that it hurt, she said, "Yeah, I could imagine what that would feel like." Oh. My. God. No, you cannot *possibly* imagine what that would feel like. Not unless you've done it. It's like she trampled all over everything: Jamie's birth, his name, his right to exist, his right to have a mother who devotes her entire day to him, everything! After remembering that, I just want to go up to her and smack her in the face! Good thing I don't live anywhere near her anymore...
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Old 01-21-2008, 10:42 PM
 
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Walk away from this person. Don't answer her phone calls or emails, just live your life without her in it. Drama queens do not add to one's life.
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Old 01-21-2008, 10:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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But if I do that, then there's a very good chance that she'll get depressed, and I'd feel like anything she did after that (like self-injuring, binging on alcohol, suicide attempts) would be my fault. That's what I'm trying to avoid. I know that logically, it wouldn't be my fault, but I would still feel like it is. She's very unstable and she's done stuff like this in the past when she lost friends and boyfriends.
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Old 01-21-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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if I do that, then there's a very good chance that she'll get depressed, and I'd feel like anything she did after that (like self-injuring, binging on alcohol, suicide attempts) would be my fault
You are not responsible for your friend's actions! Repeat: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FRIEND'S ACTIONS!!

How does this person enrich your life? If she's a "legacy"-sort of friend from when you were much younger, and your life has changed to the point that she doesn't have a place in it, don't feel guilt over walking away! Your obligations are to your baby and your partner, and to the people who love you and support the life you have now.

s

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Old 01-21-2008, 11:18 PM
 
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You are sooooooooooooooooooo NOT responsible for her actions!
It's not your fault if she is or will get depressed.
She obviously has mental problems, which have nothing to do
with you. She's toxic and she says hurtful things to you.
It's time to let that one go.
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Old 01-21-2008, 11:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by beansmommy View Post
You are not responsible for your friend's actions! Repeat: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FRIEND'S ACTIONS!!

How does this person enrich your life? If she's a "legacy"-sort of friend from when you were much younger, and your life has changed to the point that she doesn't have a place in it, don't feel guilt over walking away! Your obligations are to your baby and your partner, and to the people who love you and support the life you have now.

s
Thanks for that. It made me turn the focus off of her and onto Jamie. When I did that, I wondered how I would feel if my mom was still talking to someone who asked her why she didn't just prevent my existence. It made me realize that I have to stick up for Jamie no matter what she might do, because he comes first.
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Old 01-21-2008, 11:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by acannon View Post
I worry that if I dump her completely, she might kill herself. I know that sounds unbelievably egotistical, but I've seen a person who has no inhibition and who is losing friends left and right because of it try to kill herself, and, to be honest, I don't want to have to deal with it all over again. Does anyone have any idea what I should do?
I also say you should just not talk to her any more. Don't respond to emails or IMs, just fade away from her. As for what she might or might not do, you're not responsible for her actions; and if you really cut her off, how would you know what she does with her life after that?

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Old 01-22-2008, 12:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by beansmommy View Post
You are not responsible for your friend's actions! Repeat: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FRIEND'S ACTIONS!!

How does this person enrich your life? If she's a "legacy"-sort of friend from when you were much younger, and your life has changed to the point that she doesn't have a place in it, don't feel guilt over walking away! Your obligations are to your baby and your partner, and to the people who love you and support the life you have now.

s
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Old 01-22-2008, 02:38 AM
 
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I have a 'friend' like this too. She always says the most jacked up stuff (thats the only way I can explain it.) I have no idea why I am still putting up with it. She recently informed me, upon her becoming pregnant with her second child, that my son needs a sibling bc he will be spoiled, lonely and mal-adjusted socially. (This is also the same girl who thinks coloring ghosts, pumpkins and the like for Halloween decorations is a "sin" but anyhow..) but I just DO NOT understand why I wont stop talking to her! Its making ME feel like the idiot! Sorry to mini-hijak your thread, but it just really struck a chord with me!

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Old 01-22-2008, 11:22 AM
 
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oh my goodness... how mean =/

If the conversation ended well (as in, you not telling her to go shove it) - I'd just put her on your AIM block list, block her email, and let that be it. If she tries to contact you again, don't engage her - just ignore/delete. She'll get the message.

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Old 01-22-2008, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know. I feel tempted to do that, but, on the other hand, I feel that she has a right to know why she's being blocked. Maybe she doesn't because she said horrible things to me, but I want her to know that she's being immature and mean and that it pushes people away.
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Old 01-22-2008, 12:20 PM
 
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I'm guessing that she isn't going to be happy with hearing what you think is wrong with her style of communication.

If you just fade away and don't tell her why, you leave the door open to reconnect sometime in the future, should she ever get her head on straight.

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Old 01-22-2008, 12:26 PM
 
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Block her and walk away. You don't need a "friend" like that. I've had "friends" like that before and finally I realized I didn't owe them anything - best thing I ever did was walk away from their toxicity.

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Old 01-22-2008, 01:26 PM
 
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Be grateful it's only a friend and not a family member like that. I have a sister similar to that (though not as bad), and just recently got some bad emails from her. I can distance myself somewhat from her, and block her emails, but as family, I can't walk away completely.

It's okay to walk away from a "friend" to protect yourself and your son.

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Old 01-25-2008, 01:10 PM
 
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Oh my goodness! ITA with everyone who has said you do not need this person in your life and you are in no way responsible for her happiness. You do not need her approval and you certainly don't need "friends" like this in your life. Nothing she says is actually ABOUT you. It's about her fears and insecurities and her unmet needs. This has nothing to do with you or Jamie.

I might consider emailing her to let her know that you're not going to be taking emails/IMs/etc. because you're focusing on your son and learning about new motherhood. I would say I'm not in a place where I wish to deal with unkind words and unsolicited criticism. Wish her the best and make a commitment to avoid any contact with her. And remember, it's not at all about you. You're just one of her targets. You don't need this

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Old 01-25-2008, 02:11 PM
 
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I think that people who feel really low get a momentary high from feeling the power of being able to make others feel low with them. I agree that you should let her go and let her know that you don't feel like you guys are in the same place anymore and feel it would be best to part ways. I bet you'll be teaching her a huge lesson, by staying nice and not enabling her to treat you that way.

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Old 01-26-2008, 12:54 AM
 
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I know what you mean. I have a "friend" every time I see her she is downright rude. When I was miscarrying she said off handly, "Oh well, you already have kids and can have more".

That hurt me deeply and she always says things that I find rude. But she has a ...illness per say and I feel bad for her. I thought about it for a long time. I said to myself if she didn't have this problem I wouldn't be her friend. that' also unfair to her in a way.

I have slowly just backed away from her. I am much happier. She was bringing me down. I don't need that, especially when I am trying to raise happy children. Seriously, each time I talked to her, the rest of the day I was snappy and just at ill ease. Not the kind of mother I want to be.

I am trying to keep friends around me that as another poster said, "enrich" my life. I will pray for my friend, I figure I do more good with that then biting on my tongue and letting her say rude things to me.
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Old 01-26-2008, 01:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I deleted my MySpace account, I blocked all of her screennames on AIM, and I'm thinking of getting a new phone number. I wouldn't answer the phone if she called me, anyhow. I never wanted to talk to her again in the first place, but, like the last poster said, I felt sorry for her. She doesn't really have many friends (which isn't a surprise), and when we became friends, I was the one who didn't have many friends, so I felt like I owed her something. I don't need to be insulted. No one needs that. I don't like the way she talked about Jamie, and I know that if I confronted her about it, she wouldn't say sorry. She would twist it around to make it seem like I'm the one who should be sorry. Well, she's not going to get the chance.
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Old 01-26-2008, 02:48 AM
 
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Good for you! You certainly don't deserve "friends" like that.
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