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#1 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 07:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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*Sigh*

I want another baby so bad. I still haven't got that first AF yet either. I think I'm having problems with my thyroid that's preventing it from happening.

I hear about relatives or others havaing babies, and I get insanely jealous, that I need to be alone for awhile so I can cry and hit something because it's not fair and I get mad about it. Then I think awful thoughts & hope they miscarry . I'm awful, I know , especially when I know that the person shouldn't be having another right now (my sister, for example).

My womb is literally aching for another, I feel so empty and worthless when I'm not pregnant. It's hard to describe it exactly.

I don't know what to do about it either. I'm on an anti-depressant, but it doesn't help much. I don't know why I have this obsession with babies either.

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with posting this, but I just had to get it out.

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#2 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 07:26 PM
 
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do you have a counselor to talk to? it sounds like kind of a serious issue. baby fever is one thing, but what you're describing sounds like more. it is especially worrisome that you feel empty and worthless when you're not pregnant.

i am really sorry you are feeling this way. how old is your youngest?

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#3 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 07:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My youngest is just about 14 months old. I've tried therapy, but either the lady just doesn't get it, or just didn't care. I mean, I told her EVERYTHING that was bothering me; I haven't opened up like that to anyone ever. I don't know what else to do.

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#4 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 07:39 PM
 
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I've been there . I don't have any advice (sorry) I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I also was able to pull myself out of it, it took time, but I did have to take medication and get therapy for a while, I needed to do something drastic because I got nothing from therapy being so depressed. Doesn't make sense but it is true. When I was in the hole, there was nothing the therapist could do or say to help me. Once I had the right meds I was able to crawl up enough to get the help I needed. You don't need to stay on meds necessarily, they do have their uses though.

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#5 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 07:43 PM
 
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I don't have advice either, but I had to post.
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#6 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been there . I don't have any advice (sorry) I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I also was able to pull myself out of it, it took time, but I did have to take medication and get therapy for a while, I needed to do something drastic because I got nothing from therapy being so depressed. Doesn't make sense but it is true. When I was in the hole, there was nothing the therapist could do or say to help me. Once I had the right meds I was able to crawl up enough to get the help I needed. You don't need to stay on meds necessarily, they do have their uses though.
Thank you . I hope I can get past this too.

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I don't have advice either, but I had to post.
I appreciate that, thanks .

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#7 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess I should just be fortunate to have what I have & just try to get over this. But I don't know how.

I hope I don't come across as ungrateful or anything like that, because I know I'm very lucky to have 6 beautiful children. That yearning for another will always be there.

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#8 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 09:26 PM
 
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Mama, do you think you are just feeling like you want another baby or is it more than that b/c you feel that you aren't worth anything w/o being pregnant or having a baby?!

Is this a self worth issue? Is this a depression issue? Or do you just want to have another baby?

I do think resenting others who are pregnant to the point of wanting them to miscarry is sad.

So, what do you think it is? We are usually the best at figuring this stuff out if we just stop and listen to ourselves.
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#9 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 09:50 PM
 
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I think being pg can be exciting and a wonderful distraction. I found being pg made me feel special and it's easy to crave that feeling when I'm feeling blue. When you're (general 'you') focused on a pg, it's very easy to ignore the areas in your life that are lacking.
I'm sorry therapy didn't help you. Hope you start to feel better soon!

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#10 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 09:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mama, do you think you are just feeling like you want another baby or is it more than that b/c you feel that you aren't worth anything w/o being pregnant or having a baby?!

Is this a self worth issue? Is this a depression issue? Or do you just want to have another baby?

I do think resenting others who are pregnant to the point of wanting them to miscarry is sad.

So, what do you think it is? We are usually the best at figuring this stuff out if we just stop and listen to ourselves.
I honestly don't know at this point.

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#11 of 34 Old 02-22-2008, 10:01 PM
 
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Just wanted to offer my support. Best wishes to you.

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#12 of 34 Old 02-23-2008, 12:08 AM
 
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I honestly don't know at this point.
Mama, you need to get really quiet, pray and listen. See what you hear. Do you get ppd usually?
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#13 of 34 Old 02-23-2008, 11:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to offer my support. Best wishes to you.
Thank you .

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Mama, you need to get really quiet, pray and listen. See what you hear. Do you get ppd usually?
I will do that. I don't usually get PPD, so this is really messing me up. Thank you for your help .

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#14 of 34 Old 02-23-2008, 11:26 AM
 
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mommy.. something to cheer you up. I have NEVER seen such an active signature on MDC

I swear, you have us all beat!!!


Take care of yourself, you're not an awful person and I hope you feel better soon

Peace
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#15 of 34 Old 02-23-2008, 11:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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mommy.. something to cheer you up. I have NEVER seen such an active signature on MDC

I swear, you have us all beat!!!


Take care of yourself, you're not an awful person and I hope you feel better soon

Peace
Thanks! That made me ! I needed that!

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#16 of 34 Old 02-23-2008, 12:02 PM
 
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I wanted you to know you're not alone in how you feel.....sometimes we think awful thoughts.....that doesn't make you an awful person, it makes you human.
Take care of yourself.....enjoy the life you have and be grateful everyday...when you feel those thoughts creeping up, find something to be grateful for....
sometimes it will feel forced, but eventually it will be second nature.
I hope you get the help and support you need...if I were closer, I would come over and have tea with you.....and just listen.
if you would like to pm me and think it might help....I have one of those "types of thoughts" that I have over and over...and it makes me feel like a bad person too.....but I have to remind myself I am only a human being...we make mistakes, we have bad thoughts sometimes...and we move on and try our best to be better....its all we can do.
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#17 of 34 Old 02-23-2008, 09:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wanted you to know you're not alone in how you feel.....sometimes we think awful thoughts.....that doesn't make you an awful person, it makes you human.
Take care of yourself.....enjoy the life you have and be grateful everyday...when you feel those thoughts creeping up, find something to be grateful for....
sometimes it will feel forced, but eventually it will be second nature.
I hope you get the help and support you need...if I were closer, I would come over and have tea with you.....and just listen.
if you would like to pm me and think it might help....I have one of those "types of thoughts" that I have over and over...and it makes me feel like a bad person too.....but I have to remind myself I am only a human being...we make mistakes, we have bad thoughts sometimes...and we move on and try our best to be better....its all we can do.
Thank you Christine. I'll PM you when I have more time .

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#18 of 34 Old 02-23-2008, 09:43 PM
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Have you been to a doctor about your thyroid?

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I feel so empty and worthless when I'm not pregnant.
You are more than a uterus. Until you realize that, you're not going to be happy and you're not going to feel fulfilled. A therapist could probably help you, as could an increased dosage of your current anti-depressant or maybe a different anti-depressant.
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#19 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 12:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you been to a doctor about your thyroid?



You are more than a uterus. Until you realize that, you're not going to be happy and you're not going to feel fulfilled. A therapist could probably help you, as could an increased dosage of your current anti-depressant or maybe a different anti-depressant.
I'm seeing a new doctor on Tuesday about my thyroid. I know I'm more than an incubator, but I'm not completely happy unless I'm pregnant. It's hard to explain.

I'm going to look into what other therapists are in the area. I know I need more than what the other one gave me, which wasn't much, to be honest.

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#20 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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Mama, you need to get really quiet, pray and listen. See what you hear. Do you get ppd usually?
THIS......
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#21 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 12:59 AM
 
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I'm seeing a new doctor on Tuesday about my thyroid. I know I'm more than an incubator, but I'm not completely happy unless I'm pregnant. It's hard to explain.

I'm going to look into what other therapists are in the area. I know I need more than what the other one gave me, which wasn't much, to be honest.
What about your dh/dp/d?

Have you any support?
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#22 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 02:10 AM
 
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Haven't read the replies.

Everyone has thoughts like that. Having the thought doesn't make you an awful person. Acting on those thoughts makes you an "awful" person. Thinking about hurting someone is vastly different than actually hurting them, you know? I mean, how many moms have admitted to having visions of throwing their babies out the window when they wouldn't stop crying? It doesn't make them a bad mom. Actually throwing the baby out the window - well, that speaks for itself.

Be compassionate with yourself. When you have a "bad" thought, instead of saying "I'm an awful person" trying saying something like "I'm handling my pain in the best way that I know how right now."

I highly recommend reading or listening to Pema Chodron. She is an American Buddhist monk, and discusses still struggling with "having jealous thoughts" about others. Go easy on yourself. You are not an awful person.

(Oh, and I had undiagnosed thyroid issues for 3.5 years. Now that it's treated, I barely recognize the person that I was during that time. When you're in the middle of it, you don't believe it. When I was diagnosed, I didn't want to take the medication because I really believed that my problems were all due to me just being a really bad mom, wife, and all around person, and that my thyroid was just a little side issue. I was very wrong.)
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#23 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 09:55 AM
 
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Well, I can certainly relate to the jealousy/anger/wishing people miscarry/needing to cry and scream and hit things... I went through about ten years of this when DH and I were dealing with infertility. Now that I am a parent, it's disappeared. I think I could even survive a baby shower now . I didn't really feel guilty for having the thoughts I did during that time although I was very embarrassed when I learned a pregnant coworker overheard me saying I hoped she miscarried

I think a different therapist might be a good idea. Call around to different ones and let them know what you are dealing with and see if they have worked with infertility issues before. I think, even though you have a bunch of kids, the feelings you have are quite similar to those who are dealing with infertility.


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#24 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 10:31 AM
 
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My youngest is just about 14 months old. I've tried therapy, but either the lady just doesn't get it, or just didn't care. I mean, I told her EVERYTHING that was bothering me; I haven't opened up like that to anyone ever. I don't know what else to do.
She probably doesn't get it-- most people don't get it. I think some women are just born with a monster reproductive instinct that never stops being in overdrive. I have this too-- I've wanted a huge family every since I was old enough to know what a family is (which is weird, because my family was pretty miserable). But I loved the idea of having lots of kids and I couldn't wait to be old enough to have them.

You sound so much like me! We are both "monster mommies." I also feel empty and without a purpose if I'm not pregnant or lactating. But reality is setting in for me and I am realizing that for a myriad of practical reasons I really should not have any more children. I don't know how I'm going to face this. I know I should get a tubal ligation after this pregnancy, but I know I won't. As crazy as it sounds part of me hopes I'll have some complication that will land me with a hysterectomy (I know that sounds insane). I just know that for every sane reason in the universe I need to stop getting pregnant, but, I have this incredible urge to conceive.

Personally-- I don't think it's about self-worth. Everyone has self-worth issues to some degree. I think the desire to have children is an evolutionary benefit, but in some women, it goes into overdrive. I really think this is just how I was wired, especially since I've ALWAYS thought this way, even when I was 5 years old! So we're fighting against thousands of years of evolutionary fine-tuning (which means it's a losing battle ).

The one thing I have never had, are bad thoughts about pregnant women. It could just be that your desperation is getting so severe that you are getting neurotic thoughts. I assume you're not a mean-spirited person in general?

As far as what you should do-- if your DH is supportive and if you really feel you have room and energy for another, you could see a fertility specialist (if your are BFing you could stop that), or consider foster care or adoption. I don't know how easy infant adoption would be if you already have a large family, but I'm sure something is possible. There are many children out there desperate for love, and reproductive technology, while expensive, can do amazing things!
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#25 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 01:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What about your dh/dp/d?

Have you any support?
He tries, really. But I sometimes feel guilty of asking for help, like I can't handle it. Then he says "So why do you want more if you can't handle these ones already?".

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Haven't read the replies.

Everyone has thoughts like that. Having the thought doesn't make you an awful person. Acting on those thoughts makes you an "awful" person. Thinking about hurting someone is vastly different than actually hurting them, you know? I mean, how many moms have admitted to having visions of throwing their babies out the window when they wouldn't stop crying? It doesn't make them a bad mom. Actually throwing the baby out the window - well, that speaks for itself.

Be compassionate with yourself. When you have a "bad" thought, instead of saying "I'm an awful person" trying saying something like "I'm handling my pain in the best way that I know how right now."

I highly recommend reading or listening to Pema Chodron. She is an American Buddhist monk, and discusses still struggling with "having jealous thoughts" about others. Go easy on yourself. You are not an awful person.

(Oh, and I had undiagnosed thyroid issues for 3.5 years. Now that it's treated, I barely recognize the person that I was during that time. When you're in the middle of it, you don't believe it. When I was diagnosed, I didn't want to take the medication because I really believed that my problems were all due to me just being a really bad mom, wife, and all around person, and that my thyroid was just a little side issue. I was very wrong.)
Thank you, I will look into Pema Chodron. I also hope that it's because of my thyroid and that I can get that under sontrol as well.

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Well, I can certainly relate to the jealousy/anger/wishing people miscarry/needing to cry and scream and hit things... I went through about ten years of this when DH and I were dealing with infertility. Now that I am a parent, it's disappeared. I think I could even survive a baby shower now . I didn't really feel guilty for having the thoughts I did during that time although I was very embarrassed when I learned a pregnant coworker overheard me saying I hoped she miscarried

I think a different therapist might be a good idea. Call around to different ones and let them know what you are dealing with and see if they have worked with infertility issues before. I think, even though you have a bunch of kids, the feelings you have are quite similar to those who are dealing with infertility.

I've never been considered infertile, or done fertility treatments. I think my thyroid/adrenal glands are just worn out after so many babies.

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She probably doesn't get it-- most people don't get it. I think some women are just born with a monster reproductive instinct that never stops being in overdrive. I have this too-- I've wanted a huge family every since I was old enough to know what a family is (which is weird, because my family was pretty miserable). But I loved the idea of having lots of kids and I couldn't wait to be old enough to have them.

You sound so much like me! We are both "monster mommies." I also feel empty and without a purpose if I'm not pregnant or lactating. But reality is setting in for me and I am realizing that for a myriad of practical reasons I really should not have any more children. I don't know how I'm going to face this. I know I should get a tubal ligation after this pregnancy, but I know I won't. As crazy as it sounds part of me hopes I'll have some complication that will land me with a hysterectomy (I know that sounds insane). I just know that for every sane reason in the universe I need to stop getting pregnant, but, I have this incredible urge to conceive.

Personally-- I don't think it's about self-worth. Everyone has self-worth issues to some degree. I think the desire to have children is an evolutionary benefit, but in some women, it goes into overdrive. I really think this is just how I was wired, especially since I've ALWAYS thought this way, even when I was 5 years old! So we're fighting against thousands of years of evolutionary fine-tuning (which means it's a losing battle ).

The one thing I have never had, are bad thoughts about pregnant women. It could just be that your desperation is getting so severe that you are getting neurotic thoughts. I assume you're not a mean-spirited person in general?

As far as what you should do-- if your DH is supportive and if you really feel you have room and energy for another, you could see a fertility specialist (if your are BFing you could stop that), or consider foster care or adoption. I don't know how easy infant adoption would be if you already have a large family, but I'm sure something is possible. There are many children out there desperate for love, and reproductive technology, while expensive, can do amazing things!
OMG, my mom was like this too! She had 7, but wanted 12! I'd LOVE to have 12! So maybe it's genetic. I believe it when you said some are wired to have lots of babies. We definitely have room & energy for more, and are considering foster care in the future too.


Thank you everyone for the replies. It's good to know that I'm not truly an awful person.

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#26 of 34 Old 02-24-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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I've never been considered infertile, or done fertility treatments. I think my thyroid/adrenal glands are just worn out after so many babies.
I didn't mean to imply you are infertile- just saying the feelings you are experiencing seem to be quite similar to feelings many women with fertility issues experience. A therapist who has worked with people around infertility is likely to have more skills to help you than the one you've been seeing.

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#27 of 34 Old 02-25-2008, 02:51 PM
 
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Mollie, I remember you from our ddc. I am sorry to read that you are struggling

If I remember correctly (and I apologize if I have this wrong), you struggled a bit after dd's birth because you had been hoping for a chance to "redo" the circ issue. Could that be part of your struggle now?
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#28 of 34 Old 02-25-2008, 04:20 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not an awful person. When you want something SO BADLY that you ache for it, and you see others getting it, it hurts, it just does. It doesn't mean you're not happy for them, just sad for yourself. I will never forget that, when I wanted a baby soooo badly, my friend from out of town called my DH to share their happy news. I cried and cried and was surprised and horrified by my reaction. But I reflected on it and accepted my feelings. I hope that you do too, and that you have your baby if that's meant to be.
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#29 of 34 Old 02-26-2008, 09:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't mean to imply you are infertile- just saying the feelings you are experiencing seem to be quite similar to feelings many women with fertility issues experience. A therapist who has worked with people around infertility is likely to have more skills to help you than the one you've been seeing.
Thank you; I will keep that in mond when looking for a different therapist.

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Mollie, I remember you from our ddc. I am sorry to read that you are struggling

If I remember correctly (and I apologize if I have this wrong), you struggled a bit after dd's birth because you had been hoping for a chance to "redo" the circ issue. Could that be part of your struggle now?
Yes, I think that's part of it. I desperately want another boy to "undo" what I did wrong with the others. The guilt is eating me up, I can't get over it. I know having a boy won't undo it, but it would definitely help me heal inside. Thank you for the .

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not an awful person. When you want something SO BADLY that you ache for it, and you see others getting it, it hurts, it just does. It doesn't mean you're not happy for them, just sad for yourself. I will never forget that, when I wanted a baby soooo badly, my friend from out of town called my DH to share their happy news. I cried and cried and was surprised and horrified by my reaction. But I reflected on it and accepted my feelings. I hope that you do too, and that you have your baby if that's meant to be.
That's exactly how I feel. It doesn't help much when 2 of my sisters are expecting baby boys this year . I can literally feel my uterus ache for another baby all the time.

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#30 of 34 Old 02-26-2008, 11:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mommyofmany View Post
Yes, I think that's part of it. I desperately want another boy to "undo" what I did wrong with the others. The guilt is eating me up, I can't get over it. I know having a boy won't undo it, but it would definitely help me heal inside. Thank you for the ..
I ask because I suspect that it would be far better for you to release this guilt before having another baby. Your next baby could be another girl, of course.

I wish I had the words that would help you heal that guilt. Maybe imagine what you would tell your own daughter, or best friend, if she were struggling with similar guilt.
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