Vent...Feeling resentful and alone - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 03-02-2008, 08:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Part of the problem is DH working nights and weekends. He was going to try to change this because he felt family life suffering too, but now turns out he changed his mind because staying in his current position holds a lot of promise for growth in his career. He has always been one to feel that family comes before work, but at the same time he wants to be realistic, and since he is the breadwinner, and we're hoping to start TTC for a 2nd child this year, I think he just wants to be responsible and is also excited about the prospects in his career (this motivates him to go to work each day).

I want to be supportive of him, and I told him I was, but I'm having a very hard time showing it, without being resentful towards him. And he can see this. Not good. I guess I had my hopes up high for the soon to happen change in schedule, and now I'm so dissapointed...but I am proud of his dedication and willingness to realize that he has to work hard to get what he wants...and isn't this a great role model for DS?! But I keep making comments and saying things that make him feel guilty for having to go to work, like "Fine, DS and I will just sit here miserable all afternoon"...why? I don't know. I just can't seem to bite my tongue at times. I get sooo annoyed when I hear him snoring away while I have to get up at 6am and deal with DS, constantly asking him to be quiet so DH can sleep.

I WAHM, and DS goes to daycare for most of the day. DH often wakes up (more like it, DS wakes him up) in the morning to play a while and eat breakfast together. He does so without ever complaining, even if he went to bed at 3am the night before. Then I drop DS off and go home to work. DH works 3pm-11:30/12:30. So DS doesn't seem him again til the following morning. On his days off obviously he gets more time with him, and on weekend mornings a little too. I have to deal with DS falling asleep on the way home at 5pm, wake his groggy little body up to eat dinner, then he's on his second wind, and up til 10pm.For the past couple of weeks he's been waking at 6am regardless of his bedtime...whew...that's probably why I'm feeling so easily annoyed by everything, I'm so sleep deprived...but I can never sleep in because DH has to.

Weekends are just hard because I don't have any friends with other kids, and it seems like all playgroups are for SAHM during the week only. I feel like I'd be interfering with others family lives if I even asked anyone to hang out on the weekends with us, since thats the time most families have to spend together. I am so jealous of all those other families. Weekend afternoons I often sulk at home alone with DS and just stick him in front of the TV...I get tired of playing with him all day. I love him, and play with him and enjoy doing it some of the time. Just not all the time. He's noticing it too- he's very in tune w/ my feelings. Just a while ago he came up to me and said "Mami Salami don't be so sad!" Of course that cheers me up a little, but it's hard to just get over it...

Please help me enjoy being a mommy more and not complain so much, I know I should feel lucky just to have a wonderful healthy boy and a wonderful loving husband!

Mom to a happy 6 year old boy and a new baby girl (9/27/09)
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#2 of 11 Old 03-02-2008, 09:00 PM
 
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Can't say much right now because DD asleep on lap, but I COULD HAVE WRITTEN YOUR POST! My DH is in the last few months of his PhD and things are bad... We also just moved and I started a new job, we have no friends in the area and I would kill for some weekend play group friends. I feel your pain - you are not alone!!!!


, , , , , to DD1 (4.5 years old) and DD2 (7 months) and 2
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#3 of 11 Old 03-02-2008, 09:54 PM
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I was feeling resentful of Dh for many of the same reasons.
After so many years of him working "normal" hours he has for the last three years worked from 2.30pm till 1am and we are all asleep when he arrives home. It doesn't help that he works fri sat sun mon either.
I want my life back, I want to vacuum at 8am get the housework done and laundry folded and have afternoons with the kids.
Once Dd starts school he'll hardly see her, he hardly sees Ds as he's at school. and Dh doesn't wake till about 10.30.
it really pissed me off when he let slip he could have moved to day shift and been home about the same time Ds gets off the school bus :
He's enjoying the quiet of commuting at odd hours, and sleeping till later. I feel really mean to want him to change it all for me and the kids, he has worked so hard over the years and I'm home with kids, he should at least be able to work hours he likes right?
So why do I want to shout "What about me" I feel like I have no routine for shopping, cleaning, laundry anymore. I feel a bit lost and the house suffers for it.
Sorry for the rant, I know where you are coming from really.
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#4 of 11 Old 03-03-2008, 12:09 AM
 
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Arrrgh, that sounds like a tough schedule. Of course it's hard on you! Anyone would be worn down by it.

Am I reading it right that he's not off on weekends but you are? So you're on child-duty all weekend when you're off work, and on his days off, you're working and DS is @ daycare? That would make anyone nuts, if you never have a whole day just to be a family. I assume your work schedule doesn't have any flexibility either?

On a practical note, because I think sleep deprivation isn't helping the situation one bit...do you think your DS is getting enough sleep? I'm asking because of the early wakeups and late bedtime; when my daughter isn't getting to bed early enough, she starts waking up earlier and earlier. It's totally counter-intuitive, but moving her bedtime back by half an hour or so usually gets her back to waking at a civilized hour within a few days. I just start the bath/pjs/story cycle about 45 minutes early so that there's time to dawdle in the tub or read an extra story, and she winds down fine and thinks she's making out like a bandit because she's not being rushed (while playing right into my plan bwah ha ha ha ha).

Hang in there, mama!
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#5 of 11 Old 03-03-2008, 06:30 PM
 
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I will agree w/grace'smommy about the sleep deprivation. And of course you are feeling resentful and alone, that is one tough schedule you've got going on! The only thing I can say is that when I'm feeling resentful towards dh, I try really hard to focus on the positives and see things from his perspective. Sometimes that can be very, very difficult, but as long as I can see it from his perspective I don't feel taken advantage of and I can remember that we do in fact share the same goals.

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#6 of 11 Old 03-07-2008, 04:19 PM
 
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:
and
Your are definitely not alone.
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#7 of 11 Old 03-08-2008, 11:49 PM
 
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My son is older now but when he was that age I would have loved playdates or playgroups. I worked outside the house and didn't get to see him interact with kids during the week. I encourage you to call the families you know with kids (especially the single moms) and invite them to the zoo or the park. Many will be happy to have an activity for the kids and a mom to talk to. And good luck.

Married to the love of my life, mom to DS :
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#8 of 11 Old 03-09-2008, 12:49 AM
 
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I know how hard it can be! WHen dd2 was 3 months old, dh got an outside sales job that kept him away most nights and weekends. It was SO hard on us. It really was like being a single parent. But our bills were finally being paid, so I just dealt with it. Not an ideal situation. I was doing all the yardwork and all his "chores" around the house because he was always so wiped out, and it was just a really hard time. Not to mention that I felt like he was missing out on his baby. He literally has very few memories of her first year of life. Well, he's no longer at that job, thankfully. He's back to being self employed. During winter months he has to work weekends in a sales office...it's hard! We don't get those "family" weekends that we used to have. We get a couple of hours, if that, and he's usually wanting to unwind, not be running around. So my weekends are essentially the same as my weekdays (I SH). In our case, at least it is seasonal. I asked him once if he secretly enjoyed having to work weekends, though, and he admitted he did. He's not used to having to "deal" with kids all day long. Guess how that made me feel???? I think he's sorry he ever admitted to it. Now he feels guilty every time he goes to work.

Sorry, I kinda hijacked your thread! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. It's hard to find a balance. Just keep in mind that this is temporary and that eventually it will lead to benefits. Maybe you can talk to him about what the time line is, so you can mentally prepare yourself to cope with it. It is a short term situation. Sometimes knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel is all it takes to make the situation bearable.
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#9 of 11 Old 03-11-2008, 10:20 PM
 
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[QUOTE=mattysmomma;10675689]Part of the problem is DH working nights and weekends. He was going to try to change this because he felt family life suffering too, but now turns out he changed his mind because staying in his current position holds a lot of promise for growth in his career. He has always been one to feel that family comes before work, but at the same time he wants to be realistic, and since he is the breadwinner, and we're hoping to start TTC for a 2nd child this year, I think he just wants to be responsible and is also excited about the prospects in his career (this motivates him to go to work each day).



you're lucky he feels and acknowledges his family life is suffering. that counts for so much....
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#10 of 11 Old 03-11-2008, 11:14 PM
 
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#11 of 11 Old 03-11-2008, 11:15 PM
 
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My dh has a big work schedule. We've been together over 20 years , and still going strong. He has a great relationship with the children as individuals, and we have a loving marragie. All I can say is sometimes it works. Dh is very present when he is home and maintains contact when he is away. It's worked, for whatever reason(s). It's not always been easy , but it's worked and he is very loving and we are all very close. Mentioning this to help give you hope.
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