Final update on saga of my brother getting married - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 04-14-2008, 01:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for reading my posts and your advice. I have been reading the posts every day. Last Thursday I received a letter in the mail from my brother. It said that he and his fiance wanted me to understand why I was pulled from the wedding party. #1 My disrespect towards him by contacting the fiance without permission when all they are trying to do is set up boundries between families. #2 My anger towards my father. The letter went onto say that if I was going to even feel slightly angry at my father while at the wedding that I should not even come to the wedding but they would love to save a piece of cake for me and share the video and photos with me afterwards.

First, of all I can totally understand setting up boundries when they need to be set. But to set up such strong boundries when I have never hurt his fiance or ever been mean to her I think is overkill.

Second, my father has not really been a part of my life in over 15 years. He did not attend my own wedding, did not attend my college graduation and did not come visit after my children were born. I have a three year old he has never seen. The only request I made for the wedding was that I be seated at a different table. My parents are divorced and they are going to be seated at different tables so I wanted to sit with my mom. Over the last 15 years I have tried to include my father. I invited him to come visit. I called him on his birthday and father's day. A couple of years ago I called him on father's day about 8pm and the first thing he said to me was, "you are calling a little late don't you think. I am already in bed call back tomorrow." I did not call him back.

And if my brother thinks I should not attend the wedding because I don't like my father then he should just go ahead and uninvite several more people, like everyone on my moms side of the family.

So in light of that my family will not be attending the wedding. We will be taking our kids to the Great Wolf Lodge. It is a hotel with a big water park inside of it.

My mom read the letter and told me I should tell my brother where he can put his piece of cake.

My heart has ached for days over this. But some of the advice I got was about how people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, I can't let him continue to hurt me because it affects my husband and my children as well. Maybe I need to start setting my own boundries.

Lisa
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#2 of 22 Old 04-14-2008, 07:56 PM
 
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Wow. I don't envy you at all. Sending hugs your way.......

PS
I would write him a long letter and lay everything on the line that you
want to get off your chest. It may help you feel better to know
that he knows that you think he's being ridiculous.
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#3 of 22 Old 04-14-2008, 08:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by N8'sMom View Post
Wow. I don't envy you at all. Sending hugs your way.......

PS
I would write him a long letter and lay everything on the line that you
want to get off your chest. It may help you feel better to know
that he knows that you think he's being ridiculous.
This is a great idea--you can decide whether or not you want to send it after it's written.

So sorry you're going through this.

Have you seen the updated user agreement yet?
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#4 of 22 Old 04-14-2008, 09:29 PM
 
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I just read your three threads about this issue.

I don't believe this last letter was from the fiancee at all but just from your brother.

What sort of boundaries is he talking about? I don't understand what he is trying to accomplish except to prevent you from continuing a friendship you ALREADY have with his fiancee.

Then that bullcrap about you needing to clear moving to his town with him first - I really fear for his fiancee. It sounds like it's going to be a very stifling marriage for her.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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#5 of 22 Old 04-14-2008, 09:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by N8'sMom View Post
I would write him a long letter and lay everything on the line that you
want to get off your chest. It may help you feel better to know
that he knows that you think he's being ridiculous.
I would write it, but wait and see a few months down the road if you want to send it. Right now is a very charged time for the two of you, and a little cool-down might be best. Plus it's his wedding, and adding more anger and stress to the situation doesn't seem kind (no matter how terribly your brother has acted). Once he's married and settled, THEN you can choose to lay it all out on the table.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#6 of 22 Old 04-15-2008, 04:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post
But some of the advice I got was about how people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, I can't let him continue to hurt me because it affects my husband and my children as well. Maybe I need to start setting my own boundries.

Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away. 

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#7 of 22 Old 04-17-2008, 08:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post
Thank you all for reading my posts and your advice. I have been reading the posts every day. Last Thursday I received a letter in the mail from my brother. It said that he and his fiance wanted me to understand why I was pulled from the wedding party. #1 My disrespect towards him by contacting the fiance without permission when all they are trying to do is set up boundries between families. #2 My anger towards my father. The letter went onto say that if I was going to even feel slightly angry at my father while at the wedding that I should not even come to the wedding but they would love to save a piece of cake for me and share the video and photos with me afterwards.

First, of all I can totally understand setting up boundries when they need to be set. But to set up such strong boundries when I have never hurt his fiance or ever been mean to her I think is overkill.

Second, my father has not really been a part of my life in over 15 years. He did not attend my own wedding, did not attend my college graduation and did not come visit after my children were born. I have a three year old he has never seen. The only request I made for the wedding was that I be seated at a different table. My parents are divorced and they are going to be seated at different tables so I wanted to sit with my mom. Over the last 15 years I have tried to include my father. I invited him to come visit. I called him on his birthday and father's day. A couple of years ago I called him on father's day about 8pm and the first thing he said to me was, "you are calling a little late don't you think. I am already in bed call back tomorrow." I did not call him back.

And if my brother thinks I should not attend the wedding because I don't like my father then he should just go ahead and uninvite several more people, like everyone on my moms side of the family.

So in light of that my family will not be attending the wedding. We will be taking our kids to the Great Wolf Lodge. It is a hotel with a big water park inside of it.

My mom read the letter and told me I should tell my brother where he can put his piece of cake.

My heart has ached for days over this. But some of the advice I got was about how people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, I can't let him continue to hurt me because it affects my husband and my children as well. Maybe I need to start setting my own boundries.

Lisa
Homebirth mom and midwife student
_________________

Thanks for updating us-- its been an interesting thread to follow. I think if you stay in touch at this point it will lead to more heart ache... and I couldn't agree with you more - set your own boundries.

ps -- is your mom attending the wedding? I know at one point she was not sure
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#8 of 22 Old 04-18-2008, 01:31 PM
 
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#1 My disrespect towards him by contacting the fiance without permission when all they are trying to do is set up boundries between families.

Your brother has mental issues??? Boundaries of who you can and can't speak to in a family???? That is just weird.

#2 My anger towards my father. The letter went onto say that if I was going to even feel slightly angry at my father while at the wedding that I should not even come to the wedding but they would love to save a piece of cake for me and share the video and photos with me afterwards.

He ought to be more concerned about you being ragingly PO'd at HIM!

So in light of that my family will not be attending the wedding. We will be taking our kids to the Great Wolf Lodge. It is a hotel with a big water park inside of it.

That is a great place, you will all have a much better time anyway.

My mom read the letter and told me I should tell my brother where he can put his piece of cake.

Your mother is right on the money. Is she too forbidden to speak to her DIL? Is she boycotting the wedding as well?


Maybe I need to start setting my own boundries.

Now you're talking!
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#9 of 22 Old 04-18-2008, 04:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post
Thank you all for reading my posts and your advice. I have been reading the posts every day. Last Thursday I received a letter in the mail from my brother. It said that he and his fiance wanted me to understand why I was pulled from the wedding party. #1 My disrespect towards him by contacting the fiance without permission when all they are trying to do is set up boundries between families. #2 My anger towards my father. The letter went onto say that if I was going to even feel slightly angry at my father while at the wedding that I should not even come to the wedding but they would love to save a piece of cake for me and share the video and photos with me afterwards.

First, of all I can totally understand setting up boundries when they need to be set. But to set up such strong boundries when I have never hurt his fiance or ever been mean to her I think is overkill.

Second, my father has not really been a part of my life in over 15 years. He did not attend my own wedding, did not attend my college graduation and did not come visit after my children were born. I have a three year old he has never seen. The only request I made for the wedding was that I be seated at a different table. My parents are divorced and they are going to be seated at different tables so I wanted to sit with my mom. Over the last 15 years I have tried to include my father. I invited him to come visit. I called him on his birthday and father's day. A couple of years ago I called him on father's day about 8pm and the first thing he said to me was, "you are calling a little late don't you think. I am already in bed call back tomorrow." I did not call him back.

And if my brother thinks I should not attend the wedding because I don't like my father then he should just go ahead and uninvite several more people, like everyone on my moms side of the family.

So in light of that my family will not be attending the wedding. We will be taking our kids to the Great Wolf Lodge. It is a hotel with a big water park inside of it.

My mom read the letter and told me I should tell my brother where he can put his piece of cake.

My heart has ached for days over this. But some of the advice I got was about how people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, I can't let him continue to hurt me because it affects my husband and my children as well. Maybe I need to start setting my own boundries.

Lisa
Homebirth mom and midwife student
You know what--this is insane. Frankly, after following all of this--I think your brother AND his new wife are both fXcking nuts. Sorry--but honestly--that's how it stacks up. They are total control freaks. All I can think is: they are both REALLY young OR they are both REALLY immature OR a combination of BOTH.
If I were you--I'd send them an email with a link to this very post. I don't know them and don't have to deal with them but your MOTHER hit the nail on the head. What a miserable bunch of people. You have every right to not want to sit with your dad. Your family is RIGHT to pull out of this fiasco. What a joke.
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#10 of 22 Old 04-18-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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Enjoy your vacation time with family. Do not stress about if you did the right thing. It still sounds to me like your brother needs help, and your future SIL may too. You may try to continue the relationship after a few months of calm down time, and if it goes just as badly then, maybe you would be better off without the stress.

Huge hugs.
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#11 of 22 Old 04-18-2008, 05:23 PM
 
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It seems to me your brother wants an awful lot of respect without giving any in return. i don't like the fact that if you are good and behave the way HE wants you to behave, you get rewarded with a wedding invite but if you don't act the way he wants you to he punishes you. I don't know if I am explaining things well. Its jst something that is bothering me about him and really, I think its best if maybe you do steer clear of him. Something isn't 'right'.
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#12 of 22 Old 04-23-2008, 01:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi All,

Well, my family and I went to Great Wolf Lodge on Friday and stayed through Sunday. That is a GREAT family place. The kids LOVED the water park. It was great to get away and enjoy my family. My mom decided at the last minute to attend the wedding. My mom called and cancelled the rehersal dinner she was hosting last Tuesday. When she got to the wedding my brother looked surprised to see her and said hello but that was it. At the reception when they called time for the mother/son dance and father/daughter dance my brother actually went and got my DAD's WIFE!!! I was utterly shocked when my mom told me this. My dad married his wife when I was 15 years old and we have hardly been around her. My mom was also not asked to be in any pictures.

Several people inquired as to where I was and my mom told them the truth choking back tears about the way my brother has treated us. My mom left the reception soon after that dance. When she called me she was changing her clothes in the grocery store parking lot before she drove four hours to home. My brother did not make sure she was ok, nor did he make any arrangements for her. Talk about disrespect. All I have heard out of his mouth for the last month is how I don't respect him. But look at how he disrespects his own mother.

All I can say now is let the chips fall where they may because how a man treats his mother and his sister is how he will treat his wife.

Thank you again to everyone for reading about my family drama and giving me your perspectives and advice.

Lisa
Homebirth mom and senior midwife student.
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#13 of 22 Old 04-23-2008, 03:01 AM
 
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Hi All,

Well, my family and I went to Great Wolf Lodge on Friday and stayed through Sunday. That is a GREAT family place. The kids LOVED the water park. It was great to get away and enjoy my family. My mom decided at the last minute to attend the wedding. My mom called and cancelled the rehersal dinner she was hosting last Tuesday. When she got to the wedding my brother looked surprised to see her and said hello but that was it. At the reception when they called time for the mother/son dance and father/daughter dance my brother actually went and got my DAD's WIFE!!! I was utterly shocked when my mom told me this. My dad married his wife when I was 15 years old and we have hardly been around her. My mom was also not asked to be in any pictures.

Several people inquired as to where I was and my mom told them the truth choking back tears about the way my brother has treated us. My mom left the reception soon after that dance. When she called me she was changing her clothes in the grocery store parking lot before she drove four hours to home. My brother did not make sure she was ok, nor did he make any arrangements for her. Talk about disrespect. All I have heard out of his mouth for the last month is how I don't respect him. But look at how he disrespects his own mother.

All I can say now is let the chips fall where they may because how a man treats his mother and his sister is how he will treat his wife.

Thank you again to everyone for reading about my family drama and giving me your perspectives and advice.

Lisa
Homebirth mom and senior midwife student.
Wow. Just wow. What a crappy wa to treat his mother. That breaks my heart for your mom
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#14 of 22 Old 04-23-2008, 03:25 AM
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Dude

Your brother is a piece of...work.

I am always appalled at the idea that we're supposed to accept such gross mistreatment from family members simply because they are family.

Screw that. You wouldn't accept this treatment from a friend or a stranger on the street, you certainly do not have to accept it from him.

I'm sorry this was so painful for you and your family. I hope you are able to make peace with not having your brother in your life because he truly doesn't deserve to be there. I'm sorry for your mom, too.
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#15 of 22 Old 04-23-2008, 11:43 PM
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wow I'm so shocked at the way he has treated your Mother, it will come back and bite him in the butt, Hugs to your Mom. He was sooo wrong.
I'm glad you and the kids had a nice time. Better than the stress of that weird wedding.
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#16 of 22 Old 04-23-2008, 11:49 PM
 
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Wow -- I wish your mom had gone with you instead! Well - I guess you don't have to wonder if its just you anymore --- he apparently treats others this way as well...!

I am sorry this has happened to you.

Hugs
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#17 of 22 Old 04-25-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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Huge hugs about all the stress this caused.

I just hope and pray that his new wife handles all of the stuff that she is going to face.
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#18 of 22 Old 04-25-2008, 09:20 AM
 
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My mouth is open in shock, and I am nearly in tears for your poor mother I don't know what i would do if my own son every treated me this way .

I am glad you had a good time though, now you can go on with your life without wondering though. I also feel sorry for his poor wife What a situation.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#19 of 22 Old 04-25-2008, 01:21 PM
 
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Wow, that is insane. Please give your mum a hug for me, I cannot understand why your brother treated her so shabbily.

Hugs to you and your family as well. I am so glad you all went and had a good time, to bad your mum didn't join you!
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#20 of 22 Old 04-28-2008, 02:35 AM
 
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: Your poor mom! I feel even more sadly for your brother's wife. She is not bound legally to someone who will try to control her every action. How sad.

I am so glad you made the decision not to go. It sounds like you and your family had a much better weekend together.
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#21 of 22 Old 04-29-2008, 07:30 PM
 
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I'm coming in late to all of this, but I have to say that if I were you I'd stay far far away from your brother. He is becoming a carbon copy of your father and will probably cause as much, if not more, heartache for you if you try to maintain a relationship. While I do feel bad for his wife, she's also an adult and has now made two bad choices for marriage. If she refuses to see this, it's her problem.

Mrs.Oz :, wife to Mr. Oz , mother to Boo : 2 years and Sissy 9 months.
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#22 of 22 Old 04-29-2008, 07:38 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that your brother has been acting in such an un-brotherly fashion.

I think you made the right choice in keeping yourself and your kids away from his wedding. I fear for his new wife.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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