Can you vent to DH? - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-19-2008, 09:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure if this appropriate? Is there a place to vent about DH? LOL. I feel like I can't have a bad day. Is it too much just ask for simply understanding? I'm just done today. I haven't left the house since last Wednesday and I don't ever get a break. I just want him to say I understand. But all he ever says is "relax". And it irritates me. Just wondering if anyone else, gets this from their husband. I feel like I can't even vent to him. It makes me sad.
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Old 05-19-2008, 09:49 PM
 
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Hi,

I sometimes think I cannot vent certain things to DH eighter. I guess guys are just more 'relax', 'just be glad so and so', 'you know how much people would like to be in your shoes(concerning my SAH job)'. First of all just because I had a crappy day or week doesn't mean I am ungrateful. I just want to let some frustration out. Have someone care to understand and proberly do/say something nice.
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Old 05-19-2008, 10:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Exactly. Well I'm glad that I can come here and talk or vent when I need to.
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Old 05-19-2008, 11:16 PM
 
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My husband said "relax" to me a couple times (weird b/c usually he's really understanding) and I about ripped him a new one. I made it exceedingly clear to him that "relax" was about the most rude and obnoxious thing he could possibly say to me. He's stopped : Have you tried telling him how obnoxious you find it?

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Old 05-19-2008, 11:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
My husband said "relax" to me a couple times (weird b/c usually he's really understanding) and I about ripped him a new one. I made it exceedingly clear to him that "relax" was about the most rude and obnoxious thing he could possibly say to me. He's stopped : Have you tried telling him how obnoxious you find it?
LOL, I have said stuff like that before sometimes it works others he just don't get it. He tries at times but you can see the look sometimes. I guess some guys are more on the 'it is the past just move forward it is nothing you can do':
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Old 05-19-2008, 11:59 PM
 
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When he's home I can say anything to Dh. and I do. we are each other's sounding board and venting post. He has gently told me i was over-reacting a bit a few times but never harshly and he's always understood why I was on a tangent or whatever
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:14 AM
 
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Being told to "relax" (which annoys me to NO end - that was my dad's standard response to any display of emotion) is like telling you that your feelings aren't valid. It's like saying "Don't feel stressed/unhappy/sad/lonely - stop that right now because it makes me uncomfortable. Instead, chill out so I don't have to figure out what to do with your strong emotions!"

I am stereotyping, but I've found that many men are "fixers." You spill your emotional guts and they cannot just SIT there and let you - they feel like you are asking them for help, and they don't know what to do.

Can you make it clear that you just need someone to listen and say "Wow - I can see you are really upset" and that's IT? That you don't need or want solutions?

and that you definitely DON'T want to be told to relax?

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Old 05-20-2008, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes he is a "fixer". And we have talked about this many times...that I don't want him to fix anything. I just need to him to listen. He actually was very sweet when he got home (he told me to relax over the phone). And was very understanding. I guess he has his moments were he is great but he tells me to relax a lot and it irritates me.
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Old 05-20-2008, 03:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nancy926 View Post
Being told to "relax" (which annoys me to NO end - that was my dad's standard response to any display of emotion) is like telling you that your feelings aren't valid. It's like saying "Don't feel stressed/unhappy/sad/lonely - stop that right now because it makes me uncomfortable. Instead, chill out so I don't have to figure out what to do with your strong emotions!"

I am stereotyping, but I've found that many men are "fixers." You spill your emotional guts and they cannot just SIT there and let you - they feel like you are asking them for help, and they don't know what to do.

Can you make it clear that you just need someone to listen and say "Wow - I can see you are really upset" and that's IT? That you don't need or want solutions?

and that you definitely DON'T want to be told to relax?
Yeah, this. My husband asks, "Do you want solutions or validation?" It's great.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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Old 05-20-2008, 08:52 PM
 
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I suppose it depends on what it is, and also whether a spouse is themselves in the mood for being vented to (and possibly upon! ). Also, there are just some things that might be better served in another friendship or relationship.

My dh is as supportive as the day is long. But when it comes to my academic work, even though I know he *feels* supportive (and is; I couldn't do it without him), if I want someone to say the "right" thing, well, I finally realized the right thing would sound weird coming from dh; it wouldn't be him, it wouldn't be natural, it might even be creepy!

A friend of mine already done with med school says the right things. So I email him when the academic pressure is building, he says the absolute right things that no one else seems able to, I feel fabulous, and I even feel more receptive to dh's and other friends'/family members' words of support, which would have made me cranky otherwise. It's silly semantics, and I am grateful for everyone's kind words and feelings and I know they're all rooting for me. But even in other situations there are some conversations that are just more fun (especially complaining!) with different friends.
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Old 05-21-2008, 02:06 AM
 
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Yes, although I've also found it's helpful to vent to the baby on occasion. She's cool--just sits there looking cute with fat cheeks and lets me get it all out.

DH likes to fix things if he can. Fortunately (or not?), most of the things I vent about are entirely unfixable. But since I had the baby, he's pretty eager about attributing everything to incipient PPD, so his usual response these days is 'Did you have your placenta capsule today?'. Occasionally I've had to say 'No, sweetie, listen to what I'm saying...'. He's great though! He has a lot of patience with my perennial, never-can-or-will-be-fixed, should-be-over-it-by-now vents.

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

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Old 05-22-2008, 12:20 PM
 
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..., well, I finally realized the right thing would sound weird coming from dh; it wouldn't be him, it wouldn't be natural, it might even be creepy!
This is a very good point. My DH is awesome, and he does like to know what I want to hear, but I could see that in some cases, him saying what i want to hear would just sound totally fake. I usually vent to my editor/writer friends about work, for example, because they have BTDT and know the frustrations.

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