Can you vent to DH? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 12 Old 05-19-2008, 08:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
slm21bl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not sure if this appropriate? Is there a place to vent about DH? LOL. I feel like I can't have a bad day. Is it too much just ask for simply understanding? I'm just done today. I haven't left the house since last Wednesday and I don't ever get a break. I just want him to say I understand. But all he ever says is "relax". And it irritates me. Just wondering if anyone else, gets this from their husband. I feel like I can't even vent to him. It makes me sad.
slm21bl is offline  
#2 of 12 Old 05-19-2008, 08:49 PM
 
dex_millie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MD
Posts: 1,643
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi,

I sometimes think I cannot vent certain things to DH eighter. I guess guys are just more 'relax', 'just be glad so and so', 'you know how much people would like to be in your shoes(concerning my SAH job)'. First of all just because I had a crappy day or week doesn't mean I am ungrateful. I just want to let some frustration out. Have someone care to understand and proberly do/say something nice.
dex_millie is offline  
#3 of 12 Old 05-19-2008, 09:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
slm21bl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Exactly. Well I'm glad that I can come here and talk or vent when I need to.
slm21bl is offline  
#4 of 12 Old 05-19-2008, 10:16 PM
 
Juvysen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Binghamton, NY
Posts: 7,479
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
My husband said "relax" to me a couple times (weird b/c usually he's really understanding) and I about ripped him a new one. I made it exceedingly clear to him that "relax" was about the most rude and obnoxious thing he could possibly say to me. He's stopped : Have you tried telling him how obnoxious you find it?

Jenna ~ mommy to Sophia Elise idea.gif  (1/06), Oliver Matthew  blahblah.gif (7/07) and Avery Michael fly-by-nursing1.gif(3/10)

 

dizzy.gif Wading slowly and nervously into this homeschooling thing.

Juvysen is offline  
#5 of 12 Old 05-19-2008, 10:37 PM
 
dex_millie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: MD
Posts: 1,643
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
My husband said "relax" to me a couple times (weird b/c usually he's really understanding) and I about ripped him a new one. I made it exceedingly clear to him that "relax" was about the most rude and obnoxious thing he could possibly say to me. He's stopped : Have you tried telling him how obnoxious you find it?
LOL, I have said stuff like that before sometimes it works others he just don't get it. He tries at times but you can see the look sometimes. I guess some guys are more on the 'it is the past just move forward it is nothing you can do':
dex_millie is offline  
#6 of 12 Old 05-19-2008, 10:59 PM
 
Kaitnbugsmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,997
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When he's home I can say anything to Dh. and I do. we are each other's sounding board and venting post. He has gently told me i was over-reacting a bit a few times but never harshly and he's always understood why I was on a tangent or whatever
Kaitnbugsmom is offline  
#7 of 12 Old 05-20-2008, 10:14 AM
 
nancy926's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: where we always need more bookcases
Posts: 2,472
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Being told to "relax" (which annoys me to NO end - that was my dad's standard response to any display of emotion) is like telling you that your feelings aren't valid. It's like saying "Don't feel stressed/unhappy/sad/lonely - stop that right now because it makes me uncomfortable. Instead, chill out so I don't have to figure out what to do with your strong emotions!"

I am stereotyping, but I've found that many men are "fixers." You spill your emotional guts and they cannot just SIT there and let you - they feel like you are asking them for help, and they don't know what to do.

Can you make it clear that you just need someone to listen and say "Wow - I can see you are really upset" and that's IT? That you don't need or want solutions?

and that you definitely DON'T want to be told to relax?

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
nancy926 is offline  
#8 of 12 Old 05-20-2008, 10:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
slm21bl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 122
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes he is a "fixer". And we have talked about this many times...that I don't want him to fix anything. I just need to him to listen. He actually was very sweet when he got home (he told me to relax over the phone). And was very understanding. I guess he has his moments were he is great but he tells me to relax a lot and it irritates me.
slm21bl is offline  
#9 of 12 Old 05-20-2008, 02:39 PM
 
rightkindofme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 4,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nancy926 View Post
Being told to "relax" (which annoys me to NO end - that was my dad's standard response to any display of emotion) is like telling you that your feelings aren't valid. It's like saying "Don't feel stressed/unhappy/sad/lonely - stop that right now because it makes me uncomfortable. Instead, chill out so I don't have to figure out what to do with your strong emotions!"

I am stereotyping, but I've found that many men are "fixers." You spill your emotional guts and they cannot just SIT there and let you - they feel like you are asking them for help, and they don't know what to do.

Can you make it clear that you just need someone to listen and say "Wow - I can see you are really upset" and that's IT? That you don't need or want solutions?

and that you definitely DON'T want to be told to relax?
Yeah, this. My husband asks, "Do you want solutions or validation?" It's great.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

rightkindofme is offline  
#10 of 12 Old 05-20-2008, 07:52 PM
 
LizD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: with all the madmen
Posts: 2,302
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I suppose it depends on what it is, and also whether a spouse is themselves in the mood for being vented to (and possibly upon! ). Also, there are just some things that might be better served in another friendship or relationship.

My dh is as supportive as the day is long. But when it comes to my academic work, even though I know he *feels* supportive (and is; I couldn't do it without him), if I want someone to say the "right" thing, well, I finally realized the right thing would sound weird coming from dh; it wouldn't be him, it wouldn't be natural, it might even be creepy!

A friend of mine already done with med school says the right things. So I email him when the academic pressure is building, he says the absolute right things that no one else seems able to, I feel fabulous, and I even feel more receptive to dh's and other friends'/family members' words of support, which would have made me cranky otherwise. It's silly semantics, and I am grateful for everyone's kind words and feelings and I know they're all rooting for me. But even in other situations there are some conversations that are just more fun (especially complaining!) with different friends.
LizD is offline  
#11 of 12 Old 05-21-2008, 01:06 AM
 
Smokering's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 8,610
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Yes, although I've also found it's helpful to vent to the baby on occasion. She's cool--just sits there looking cute with fat cheeks and lets me get it all out.

DH likes to fix things if he can. Fortunately (or not?), most of the things I vent about are entirely unfixable. But since I had the baby, he's pretty eager about attributing everything to incipient PPD, so his usual response these days is 'Did you have your placenta capsule today?'. Occasionally I've had to say 'No, sweetie, listen to what I'm saying...'. He's great though! He has a lot of patience with my perennial, never-can-or-will-be-fixed, should-be-over-it-by-now vents.

If decomposition persists please see your necromancer.

Smokering is offline  
#12 of 12 Old 05-22-2008, 11:20 AM
 
nancy926's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: where we always need more bookcases
Posts: 2,472
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LizD View Post
..., well, I finally realized the right thing would sound weird coming from dh; it wouldn't be him, it wouldn't be natural, it might even be creepy!
This is a very good point. My DH is awesome, and he does like to know what I want to hear, but I could see that in some cases, him saying what i want to hear would just sound totally fake. I usually vent to my editor/writer friends about work, for example, because they have BTDT and know the frustrations.

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
nancy926 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off