Blaming myself for what probably sounds like a weird reason - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-19-2008, 10:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've recently come to the realization that for nearly nine years now, I've been blaming myself for being raped because I feel like it was some kind of cosmic punishment for disobeying my parents.

It feels like a relief to say that--but where do I go from here? There are so many ways.

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Old 05-20-2008, 12:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Juliacat View Post
I've recently come to the realization that for nearly nine years now, I've been blaming myself for being raped because I feel like it was some kind of cosmic punishment for disobeying my parents.

It feels like a relief to say that--but where do I go from here? There are so many ways.


therapy? are you already in therapy?

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Old 05-20-2008, 01:39 AM
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It's common for rape victims to blame themselves. But you need to know: it's NOT your fault. You didn't ask for it, you didn't bring it on yourself, and you didn't piss off the cosmos.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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therapy? are you already in therapy?
Yeah, this revelation was stimulated by it. I feel a lot calmer and more able to deal with it than I ever have before. I'm just not sure where to go from here.

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Old 05-20-2008, 03:37 PM
 
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I found The Courage to Heal to be an invaluable resource in getting past sexual abuse/trauma. It's incredibly well written and it helped me process stuff I didn't even realize I needed to process.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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Old 05-20-2008, 04:39 PM
 
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what a profound realization for you.
i hope this is the catalyst for healing.
it's unreal the amount of responsiblity we allow ourselves to bear for the actions of others.
i pray you'll be your courage peace and freedom grow from this.
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Old 05-21-2008, 02:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, it was a date rape (or rather, a series of date rapes over a five-month period).

And it wouldn't have happened if I had obeyed my parents' command never to be alone in a room with an unrelated member of the opposite sex.

But I was twenty years old, and it was the 1990's! Is that no defense at all?

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Old 05-21-2008, 09:20 PM
 
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the rule your parent's gave you all those years ago was a blanket knee jerk reaction to not wanting or being able to discuss the nuiances of selfdefence and judgement. they avoided the discussion by giving you that directive.

just say no to boys all together is easier than sitting with your young child and dealing with sexual issues.

in some ways this may have been your way of not only punishing yourself but allowing you to "control" what happened to you in a emotionally negative way.
the responsiblity lays with the individual who did not accept no.

i pray you are on your way to peace. it sounds like you held this too long.
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Old 05-22-2008, 12:14 AM
 
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*hugs* Mama.

I can relate. Last week I did some major "mind work" with my best friend. It was really hard. I acknowledged things that I had never acknowledged before, and actually spoke to DH afterwards and took him on my "journey". In some ways I feel a lot better, in others I've realized how much help I need.

Peace to you as you work towards healing.
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Old 05-22-2008, 01:04 AM
 
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Old 05-23-2008, 09:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need, somehow, to forgive myself from my parents' point of view (even though I don't plan on their ever knowing).

I guess I'm afraid of having the you-were-being-a-slut-and-asking-for-it card pulled out on me.

Which is absolutely not true. Nobody asks for bad stuff to happen to them. If they're trying to find me guilty of being a sexual person, then I'm guilty. But I didn't want to be forced.

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