i dont want to be a mom anymore. please help. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 07:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i started out doing great. attachment parenting, co-sleeping, breastfed until she was 2.5. now my daughter is 3 and i cant stand her. every time i scream at her, spank her, every time she screams at me, i feel like a failure.

i am a single mom, living with my mom who i still hate for abusing me as a child/teen. my mom still constantly nags and picks at me about EVERYTHING i do. as well as constantly criticizes my parenting. she tells me that i now i know why she told me to consider adoption, when she found out i was pregnant.

i am so unhappy. i am miserable. i moved in with my mom 5 months ago to get away from the abusive relationship with my daughter's dad. i feel like i'm constantly making horrible choices with my life, and living situations.

i am terrified. i feel totally incompetent.

i am so afraid my daughter is hating me the way i hate my mom.

and i feel horrible... like maybe i've ruined my life. and like i'm definately ruining my daughter's life. sometimes (often) i wish i wasn't a parent. i wasnt ready to be a parent. but her dad wanted to get me pregnant... and i was young and afraid of him. i still had so many dreams... things i wanted to do with my life. and i feel so much resentment.

i hate living at home, hating my life as if i were 15 years old again. i feel like i'm grounded.
i hate potty training and cleaning up poop "accidents" every day because my daughter REFUSES to use the toilet.
i hate the person i've become... the helpless victim. the pathetic, broke single mom. the horrible, mean, angry mother.

i see no light at the end of this tunnel.
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#2 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 08:29 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not respond. Hugs to you.

If it helps, I don't think your dissatisfaction is because of your age, necessarily... I'm 42 and feel like that sometimes.

The key is to find some support for YOU. Whether it's a therapist (I know, expensive!!) or a good mentor, having that kind of helpful, positive support to balance out the constant criticism you are getting from your mom is REALLY important to break the cycle.

Also, you sound clinically depressed. Having dealt with depression myself for my whole adult life, you are showing some of the symptoms (the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, etc. irritability, etc.). If there's any way for you to get to your primary care physician, you may want to ask him/her about it and see if you can get some meds to help break the cycle. If that's not an option, you can try taking lots of Omega-3's, St. John's Wort and Sam-e and treating it on your own... but even then, I'd recommend talking to a naturopath to make sure you're getting the best supps, etc. for your needs.

I feel for you, I really do. Know that you are doing the best you can right now. Just wanting to change is a HUGE step.

Hugs to you.
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#3 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 08:30 PM
 
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This is actually kmeyrick writing, I am using SachaMacina's computer. I couldn't just leave you hanging.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope. There are counselors to help you. Contact the women's crisis center- they can direct you to classes, counseling, support groups. See if you can get her into state funded preschool. She could use the structure and you can use the break. See about subsidized housing perhaps with another young mother to get away from your mom.

You are not a bad woman. You are a good woman in a bad situation. PM kmeyrick if you need someone to talk to without judgement. I can easily be found in the News And Current Events section. I am leaving but will check my computer in a couple of hours.

Like I said, there is hope. We at MDC will find some way to help you. Every problem has a solution, we'll find it.
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#4 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 08:35 PM
 
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Any chance that you could get away from your mom and live with someone who actually believes in you and your positive abilities?? That would make the world of difference for both you and your daughter. I haven't seen my abusive father for over 3 years now and he's never met my twins and if his wife wants to control him that's totally fine.

You're in a great position to break a cycle of abuse with your daughter as I've chosen to do with my 3 girls, not every day is a cake walk but I keep trying to instill "nice" in my girls.

Best wishes!

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#5 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 08:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ccorrell View Post
i started out doing great. attachment parenting, co-sleeping, breastfed until she was 2.5. now my daughter is 3 and i cant stand her. every time i scream at her, spank her, every time she screams at me, i feel like a failure.

i am a single mom, living with my mom who i still hate for abusing me as a child/teen. my mom still constantly nags and picks at me about EVERYTHING i do. as well as constantly criticizes my parenting. she tells me that i now i know why she told me to consider adoption, when she found out i was pregnant.

i am so unhappy. i am miserable. i moved in with my mom 5 months ago to get away from the abusive relationship with my daughter's dad. i feel like i'm constantly making horrible choices with my life, and living situations.

i am terrified. i feel totally incompetent.

i am so afraid my daughter is hating me the way i hate my mom.

and i feel horrible... like maybe i've ruined my life. and like i'm definately ruining my daughter's life. sometimes (often) i wish i wasn't a parent. i wasnt ready to be a parent. but her dad wanted to get me pregnant... and i was young and afraid of him. i still had so many dreams... things i wanted to do with my life. and i feel so much resentment.

i hate living at home, hating my life as if i were 15 years old again. i feel like i'm grounded.
i hate potty training and cleaning up poop "accidents" every day because my daughter REFUSES to use the toilet.
i hate the person i've become... the helpless victim. the pathetic, broke single mom. the horrible, mean, angry mother.

i see no light at the end of this tunnel.
*HUGS* There is light.

You sound trapped and extremely unhappy, sounds like you need to move out, or you will only spiral downwards. You can do it, you have to believe that you can.

Make a decision to change your life TODAY. Sit down with a notebook and write down 3-4 personal goals with timelines, and the steps for reaching each one.

1. To move out (by the end of August).

2. To dedicate 2 hours a week to my mental health (starting next week).

3. To never yell and spank my child (starting tomorrow).

4. Find support (friends? mdc? agencies that can help you in your situation? by ....)


You deserve to be treated with love, compassion and understanding, repeat it to yourself often. Disengage from any and every argument your mom makes. It doesn't matter what she thinks, it doesn't matter what she says, period. When she starts her thing, walk away and close the door behind you, and remind yourself that you are moving out. YOU CAN DO IT *hugs*

Ask single mamas about living arrangements. Decide on the minimum you need to have on hand to start a new life. If you need to move to a new town, city, state, do it! You might have to work an extra job, but you will be working for yourself, and you will come home to YOUR place, not your mother's place.

P.S. Your daughter will not hate you... *HUGS* She is three years old, and you love her. You are about to change both of your lives around. This is a beginning of something good for both of you... All it takes is just a first step. Pick up a newspaper and start looking for rentals tomorrow, make a list of expenses and apply for three jobs. *HUGS* When in doubt, come back here.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#6 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 08:59 PM
 
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You are so brave to have gotten yourself and your daughter away from your abusive partner. Please keep talking and posting here. We will listen without judging you. Also the ladies in the single parenting forum are a wealth of advice and support. many hugs to you.
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#7 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 09:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
*HUGS* There is light.

You sound trapped and extremely unhappy, sounds like you need to move out, or you will only spiral downwards. You can do it, you have to believe that you can.

Make a decision to change your life TODAY. Sit down with a notebook and write down 3-4 personal goals with timelines, and the steps for reaching each one.

1. To move out (by the end of August).

2. To dedicate 2 hours a week to my mental health (starting next week).

3. To never yell and spank my child (starting tomorrow).

4. Find support (friends? mdc? agencies that can help you in your situation? by ....)


You deserve to be treated with love, compassion and understanding, repeat it to yourself often. Disengage from any and every argument your mom makes. It doesn't matter what she thinks, it doesn't matter what she says, period. When she starts her thing, walk away and close the door behind you, and remind yourself that you are moving out. YOU CAN DO IT *hugs*

Ask single mamas about living arrangements. Decide on the minimum you need to have on hand to start a new life. If you need to move to a new town, city, state, do it! You might have to work an extra job, but you will be working for yourself, and you will come home to YOUR place, not your mother's place.

P.S. Your daughter will not hate you... *HUGS* She is three years old, and you love her. You are about to change both of your lives around. This is a beginning of something good for both of you... All it takes is just a first step. Pick up a newspaper and start looking for rentals tomorrow, make a list of expenses and apply for three jobs. *HUGS* When in doubt, come back here.
This is brilliant.

Just to add - this is a good time to marshall support and resources. If you're at all churchy, consider calling local churches with a specific request - "I am a single mother transitioning from an abusive relationship, I am finding my own place and I could use some grocery staples to get me through the first month. Could your congregation help?" - that kind of thing. People can help you, and they will, if they know you need it.

You're going to get through this.

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
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#8 of 27 Old 07-07-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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I think almost every mom with a 3 year old wants to run away at times and feels like our kids will hate us when they grow up...you just have a situation that really exaggerates that feeling and makes you feel that way all the time. Don't beat yourself up with guilt. It can be really hard. I try to remind myself that he won't be 3 forever and eventually it will get better.

I really hear you when it comes to your mom making you feel incompetent- my mom does the exact same thing but thank the lord I don't live with her.

You might want to check with your local Department of Family and Children services about housing, daycare stipends, food stamps, etc. I have several friends who are single moms and most of them receive government help in order to live on their own and be able to go to work. One of my friends gets almost all of her daycare expenses paid for by the state so that she can work and go to school.

It seems like things would get a lot better for you if you were able to get your own place and be able to go back to school or go to work instead of being stuck at home all day.

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#9 of 27 Old 07-08-2008, 12:02 AM
 
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It seems to me you are in a really unhealthy living situation. Have you considered going to a battered women's shelter for a bit?
I worry about a few things in the situation you are in currently:

A. You seem to be depressed and you have someone breathing down your neck and belittling you which makes EVERYTHING harder in life.
B. Your child is seeing Grandmother belittling you and will therefore learn or begin to think that its okay for her to treat you that way as well. This can really become a challenge.
C.You feel stuck because someone wont leave you alone to get out of the rut.

I think you have already gotten a great deal of ideas on this thread so I will leave you with the shelter idea - and my prayers!

Loving Mother to our adoption miracle, Riana :, and our angel baby, Xavier. Trying for baby. Wife to my Hero! BLOG LINK IN PROFILE
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#10 of 27 Old 07-08-2008, 01:38 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are struggling. I have been there! You some great advice so I’ll just add that you may want to check out the book called 123 magic from your library It is a great stepping stone for moving out of the cycle of yelling and spanking and you can start using it the day you get it. Contact your county health department to see if they have a list of places that provide help to ppl in you situation. See if there is a Catholic Charities or Catholic Social Services in your area (they will not preach at you ask you about your own religious orientation, or ask you to convert) be very specific about your situation and ask to meet with some one. They have a variety of programs that can range from family shelters to helping cover the costs of moving in to your own place and getting your utilities set up. Also look into Head start (free preschool ) in your area. Good luck
Hth
Oh also Victim Witness Services may be able to provide you with free counseling

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#11 of 27 Old 07-08-2008, 02:54 PM
 
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I really feel for you mama. I struggled alot with yelling and feeling like I was a failure as a parent when my son was 2 and 3 years old, I'm a young mama and survivor of abuse too, and didn't quite feel ready to be a parent yet. I had to push my resentments aside and gain perspective on my life by bouncing my thoughts and feelings off of people in my life who I could trust.

what helped me the most was making sure I wasn't isolated. Interacting with other moms here and irl eased stress, inspired me to be a better mom and kept me accountable.

Nothing good you do for your child is ever wasted

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#12 of 27 Old 07-08-2008, 07:36 PM
 
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Oh sweetie, don't ever beat up on yourself for trying! I reiterate everything said here and want to add some. My mom left my dad b/c of abuse when I was 1 and 1/2 and went back to school. I don't know if everyone can, but if you can't find somewhere to get away from your mom, there are a lot of resources out there. Shelters can be so depressing, but I think you could find a way to make it on your own, like going back to school with Pell Grants, loans, Medicaid, WIC, Foodstamps, etc. I know taking government help can seem like a low, it did to me when I was in college, but education is power. And that power can help you feel more in control of your life and your situation. And it's a lot better to live on the gov for a while and be a sane parent. When I feel out of control of my life and my emotional needs aren't being met through family and friend support, I am not a happy mamma! You can find a way, I know it! Anyway, my mom got her doctorate and is a professor, raised me on her own, and was not perfect, but we have a good relationship, she is a kind woman, and was able to stop the cycle from her parents AND siblings AND husbands, sparing me from his abuse of his other children from subsequent marriages! Sorry so long.


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#13 of 27 Old 07-08-2008, 09:37 PM
 
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Everyone has posted great ideas. I just want to say that you are not alone in struggling with being a mother to a young child. I had such a hard time with my DD from age 3-5 or so. We are so much alike, so it drove me crazy. I was also very stressed/depressed. AP takes alot out of you, sometimes too much if we have other challenges like depression, history of abuse, etc.. And I had a supportive husband, who unfortunately worked too much. None of us are perfect. Don't expect it of yourself.

So i know what it's like to hate your child and hate being a mother. Sometimes I still wish I were alone, but that is so rare now. I think you have to take care of yourself first. Look at the thread about EFT here. Get that rescue remedy stuff and look at the Mood Cure book. Get on the mental health thread immediately. I wish I had know about this forum when i was at my worst. Apologize to your dd when you don't like the way you behaved. Give yourself time outs. I wish I had taken better care of myself, ie more sleep, less escapisms like tv, reading and computer. I feel I could have done more to take care of myself, and it would have impacted my relationship with my dd. We have a good one now, but I feel like there is residual resentment maybe on my part, some distance maybe that I wish weren't there. Good luck and keep reaching out. I also wrote an article about this topic, if you want it pm me.
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#14 of 27 Old 07-09-2008, 12:31 PM
 
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First off, 3yo's are hard to love. Most of them anyway. They're completely unreasonable. Ok, so that's normal.

I think that a huge part of this problem is your mother. All parents have bad days and bad weeks, months, etc. Times when our children make us wonder where we went wrong. ALL OF US. The problem is that you've got your mom talking in the back of your head (whether she's there or not) telling you that this is proof that you're no good at this. Proof that you've messed up your child and can't do this. It's wrong. You CAN do this. You just need her out of your head to do it.

Start seeking any and all public services available. Find some supportive friends through local mom's groups or a church with a mom's group. When you mom says that you're not good at this, just brush it off and keep moving forward. She's probably just upset that she wasn't very good and projects that onto you. Think to yourself "I'd appreciate it if you didn't project your own experiences onto me Thank you very much" and realize that it's her...not you.

Your just in a hard spot that you'll need to work your way out of. You can do this.

Lisa

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#15 of 27 Old 07-10-2008, 10:22 PM
 
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I just read a great exercise that maybe you can do. When you wake up in the morning, you have to choose whether to be a mom or not. Once you make that decision you honor it and live the day with the awareness that you made that decision consciously. The example in the O mag July 08 letters to the editor or whatever used marriage. For this use Mother. The person said her therapist gave her this exercise and felt like the yoke of marriage and family was lifted and they were in control of their life again.

Mothers of young kids are hardly ever in control it feels like. Gain control and conscious awareness of your choices however you can.
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#16 of 27 Old 07-10-2008, 10:43 PM
 
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Big love to you Mama... I am so sorry you are going through this. You CAN do it though. Where are you located? Maybe we can rally support from local MDC Mamas to help you. Can you call catholic charities & see if you can find a councelor to talk to? I know just talking to someone helps me get through tough times.

I am thinking of you.
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#17 of 27 Old 07-10-2008, 11:08 PM
 
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[QUOTE=chaoticzenmom;11654607]First off, 3yo's are hard to love. Most of them anyway. They're completely unreasonable. Ok, so that's normal.

Amen sister! My first was twins and I didn't think I would live through age 3. My 4th child just turned three and turned demon on me as they all have done. It will pass and four will be sweet, but get away from your mom and her undermining ways.
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#18 of 27 Old 07-10-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not post. You have gotten some great advice here, and there are tond of supportive women on here. There are a lot of resources out there, but many times they are tough to find, and there are many women here who can help you(as will a women's shelter). 3yo are really one of the toughest ages, so don't feel alone in that.
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#19 of 27 Old 07-10-2008, 11:27 PM
 
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No advice, just
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#20 of 27 Old 07-10-2008, 11:55 PM
 
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You sound much like me. I yell at my son often and see my mother in me who I still resent for the way she treated me. IF I didnt have my husband I would be way harder on my son then I already am. The only thing I can tell you is to turn to God. You may not have ever traveled that road and thats ok, hes been waiting for you your whole life. Just pray, tell God you are lost and desperate and he will find you. Dont give up, I know sometimes I feel like God is ignoring me but Gods timing is always perfect and he knows far better what we need with our lives then we do. Just pray to him, talk to him like you would talk to a friend. Give all your problems to God and he WILL take care of them Maybe not in the way exactly that you think it should be done but if you surrender to God someday down the road you will look back and say wow, it did all work out. Let go and let God. I especially love the song jesus take the wheel by carrie underwood (you tube has it). Its inspirational when I need it. Or try a joyce meyer book..her books have really spoke to me. Most of all pray, God cries when you cry and he loves you and he will see you through this. I will be praying for you!
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#21 of 27 Old 07-11-2008, 12:05 AM
 
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Assuming the OP isn't an atheist....
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#22 of 27 Old 07-11-2008, 01:24 AM
 
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Assuming the OP isn't an atheist....
Amen to that (pun intended)

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#23 of 27 Old 07-11-2008, 02:31 AM
 
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LoveChild421 I think almost every mom with a 3 year old wants to run away at times and feels like our kids will hate us when they grow up...you just have a situation that really exaggerates that feeling and makes you feel that way all the time. Don't beat yourself up with guilt. It can be really hard. I try to remind myself that he won't be 3 forever and eventually it will get better.

I really hear you when it comes to your mom making you feel incompetent- my mom does the exact same thing but thank the lord I don't live with her.

You might want to check with your local Department of Family and Children services about housing, daycare stipends, food stamps, etc. I have several friends who are single moms and most of them receive government help in order to live on their own and be able to go to work. One of my friends gets almost all of her daycare expenses paid for by the state so that she can work and go to school.

It seems like things would get a lot better for you if you were able to get your own place and be able to go back to school or go to work instead of being stuck at home all day.
07-07-2008 05:04 PM
:

Sweet girl, I was 27 when I had my first, had a house, I was a SAHM, no responsibility for finances at all. I was COMPLETELY overwhelmed. You are dealing with a pile up of stressors. ITA with PPs- get all the financial aid you can, move away from your mom and remember there are lots of alternatives to traditional daycare, such as home daycare and co-ops. For example - When I was in school, my DD went to a friends house. My friends and I rotated houses and each paid our fabulous kidherd (we called her! complete with yodeling!) 6 bucks an hour, so she was making pretty good $. Right now you sound depressed. Depression can be chemical or situational, but either way, you need to be evaluated or do a self evaluation. AP is all fine and well, but it doesn't mean not having boundaries. To me the key is kindness. It is not kind to allow a child to be rotten, KWIM? Many of us have a hard time with that dichotomy that either we are 'perfectly' AP OR we are tyrants, but that is a false dichotomy. We can say 'no' (and yes, sometimes it is best not to actually utter the word) without being angry or controlling, but it is incredibly hard to do that when our own needs are not met. I have not been in your situation, but I can relate to your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Things CAN get better. It will take work and maybe some sacrifice, but you can do it. Good luck, mama, and be kind to yourself too.
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#24 of 27 Old 07-12-2008, 02:18 AM
 
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Stop! First, you are angry and frustrated. Take a deep breath... -take another one, as deep as your lungs will allow. O.K. once more. You are not your mom. Now repeat that over and over to yourself, about five times. Another deep breath. We are just coming out of that annoying three year old faze. She turned 4 the other day, thank the universe! Though todays tragedy was that she would not accept that the "Annie" video she was watching was in fact English and not in another language. It was. IN any case, her anger and frstrations are NOT yours. They aren't. She is learning and growing and it is your job to guide her. Your moms critisisms are not a reflection of your parenting. They are a reflection of her own ineptitudes. Hard to differentiate, I know. Be the rubber... you know, "I'm rubber your glue" When she throws critisism at you, go back to step one. Take a long deep breath and re-assess. Are you doing what you feel is right for your DD? It is so hard to seperate from our dc's when they are freaking out, but when we freak out, they freak out more. and nothing is solved. So take that deep breath and focus on what she is really asking for. Keep breathing. And then find a place for you and dd to live away from mom. If that isn't possiblem just keep breathing. Long deep breaths and TRUST yourself.

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#25 of 27 Old 07-12-2008, 06:46 AM
 
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I could have written a post very similar to yours 5 years ago. I'm also a single mom, and I moved back in with my parents when my dd was very young. I moved home to help my dad care for my mom while she was ill.

First of all, the toddler years they are hard. Especially for a single mom. There were times when I just needed 10 minutes to breath by myself, and I couldn't get that time. I lost my temper several times when my dd was a toddler. I felt that feeling like there was no going back, and I was stuck, and this was going to be my life forever.

It wasn't.

There is a light, I swear there is a light. I see that light everyday now. I see it in my dd and the close connection we have together, even after I messed up time and time again.

Your not incompetent. You are human, and you are stressed. We all have our breaking point, AND it can get better.

My dd didn't potty train until she was 4.5 years old. She would often throw tantrums that reminded me of the Exorcist. I've never received a dime in child support. I've been doing it all on my own.

Next month we've moving into our own place. I'm taking classes here and there to finish my degree. Slowly but surely I'm creating a really good, and healthy life for myself and my dd.

My first step that helped me save my mind. Therapy and crafting. Seriously, therapy to sort out all the pain from my past. Crafting for something that slowed my mind down and gave me a sense of accomplishment.

You need some help. Please seek out some people in your area. Look into the tribes and maybe there is a MDC Mama where you live. If your anywhere near Western Pa I will drive to you for a play date.

Stop allowing anything your Mother says to enter your mind as the truth. You can be the best Mama you know how to be. I wasn't ready either, and sometimes I would wonder if I had got my dd and myself into a situation that I couldn't make better. It got better, it gets better.

I love my life, and I know you can be in the same place, but it doesn't come quick, and you need to rely on somebody right now. Somebody healthy and safe. We can help you find those people.


-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#26 of 27 Old 07-13-2008, 05:56 PM
 
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Just wanted to let you know that kids do a lot of growing in a short period of time. It does get better and your toddler will grow up to become a little girl. She will throw less tantrums. I look at my eldest dd who just turned 6 and am amazed everyday how grown up she is.
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#27 of 27 Old 07-15-2008, 07:58 PM
 
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There are days I just want to walk out of the house and never return.

You are not alone. I'm really happy to see you get support and not beratings.

It is extremely difficult to break the cycle of parenting like you were parented. I struggle daily and have for 10 years now. I have lapses in judgment. I feel horrible for having said xyz. My kids are old enough now to remember and have hurt feelings, which makes it worse for me emotionally when I just can't hack it.

There are days I just don't want to do this anymore too. I've been told I have no right to complain about being at home all day everyday. I've been told I should be happy I can be home. Well, I keep telling myself these things.

Parenting is not easy, single parenting is not easy, having kids is hard work -- work. At least Oprah has said it is a tough job.

Highlights in motherhood -- Kindergarten, watching them get on the school bus for the first time with their little backpack, lunch box and all smiles, knowing I can have a few hours of quiet time.

Crazy days like today had me throwing the dishes in the garbage, we'll just use paper. So not a : moment.
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