someone's hitting on my husband--how to deal? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 15 Old 07-23-2008, 10:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my husband attended a professional certification course for 6 weeks in may & june and one of the female attendees has taken an interest in him. i guess the instructor wrote down everyone's e-mail address and distributed the list to the class--with the students' permission--and this woman has now written to him twice. The first time was to invite him AND his wife "if she's interested or available" to an intimate birthday celebration with some of her most cherished friends. he declined. then he received another note yesterday from her asking if he is available to attend a concert with her and a friend of hers this coming friday evening, and that he should feel free to include me in the invitation. she then said if that didn't work out, she'd like to meet him at a restaurant after work, and began inquiring about his work schedule, etc.

he has been completely forthcoming with me about the whole thing and has forwarded both of her e-mail messages to me. he also said that he only made small talk with her during the class and did nothing to imply that he was interested or available. we agreed that he should write to her and say that he is not interested in or available to meet her and that he spends his time after work with his family, which he did today.

but i am feeling so incredibly freaked out. i know part of the problem is that i am feeling insecure because i'm still carrying around 12 or more lbs. of baby weight after almost 3 years, and i am aging, but another issue is how could a woman deliberately try to harm a precious little family this way?

i guess i just needed to vent. any insight would be most welcome.
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#2 of 15 Old 07-23-2008, 10:41 PM
 
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Honestly if she's inviting you, it doesn't sound like a come on to me. But if your DH is getting that vibe from her then his instincts about it are probably correct. I would do nothing, it;s for him to deal with. If he really thinks she is hitting on him I think it would be appropriate for him to tell her that her overt gestures are not welcome, as he is a happily married man.
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#3 of 15 Old 07-23-2008, 10:58 PM
 
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sounds like he handled it well and you have nothing to worry about.
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#4 of 15 Old 07-23-2008, 11:02 PM
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I didn't get the "he's getting hit on" vibe from your story, either. In fact, if I met a guy that I thought was cool and wanted to get to know better, just as a person, I would invite him and his s/o in exactly the same way that your husband was invited. I always thought that was the only way to make it perfectly clear to the s/o that my intentions were innocent. What else could she do? Is she just not supposed to try and make friends?
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#5 of 15 Old 07-23-2008, 11:03 PM
 
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If he tells her off firmly and she keeps it up I'd suspect his story.

He needs to be blunt and slightly rude (She knows he's married so tact is out the window at this point) and get rid of her. For good. Then block her email.

All that being said, if what he says (that she's only emailed TWICE) is on the up and up, just relax.

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#6 of 15 Old 07-23-2008, 11:11 PM
 
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and I do think it's a little odd that after just having small talk at a work thing she'd invite someone (including you) to an "intimate birthday gathering with cherished friends."
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#7 of 15 Old 07-23-2008, 11:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i can see from the story i presented that it might appear to be a harmless attempt at forging a friendship. i'm not going to cut and paste the e-mails, but i gotta tell you, they imply much more than that. my husband said that he didn't think anything of it when she sent the first note, but the second one made him uncomfortable and that's when he asked my advice about how to handle the situation.

and thanks, mata, for validating my sense of impropriety surrounding an invitation to this woman's intimate birthday party when she doesn't even really know my husband and has never met me. it's not that i don't think single women are allowed to have friends that are married men. this person just came on rather strong and suggested engagements that appeared inappropriate for less than casual acquaintances.

at any rate, i always appreciate the varied perspectives this kind of forum provides. thank you for taking the time to reply.
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#8 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 12:18 AM
 
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i think your husband is handling it well and it's good he's being honest about the emails. i think it's weird she would invite him to an intimate birthday party ... i'd almost be tempted to go with your husband to one of her invites just to see what she's up to but that's me

as to your question about why a woman would deliberately try to harm a family, you could always call up my ex's new wife. she was having an affair with my ex while i was pregnant with our second so i'm sure she might have some insight

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#9 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 02:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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mandib50,

thanks for your input, in particular surrounding the issue of infidelity. i'm so sorry to hear about your own experience with that, and under the most delicate of circumstances. i don't know how one woman could betray a sister like that. it's just wrong on so many levels.

i think i'm particularly sensitive to this stuff b/c my father was pretty much a career philanderer. unfortunately--or fortunately depending upon your perspective--for the family, my parents stayed together. catholic guilt or something like that.
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#10 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 07:51 AM
 
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Have you asked your husband how much he talked to this woman at the course? He must have talked to her more than he is letting on. It did last 6 weeks, which is a long time. Why else would a perfect stranger e-mail him and ask him to attend her personal gatherings? That makes no sense to me. Maybe he isn't telling you something. I'm not trying to say your DH has done something wrong but maybe he was overly nice to her at the seminar and spent time with her and hasn't told you that part. Not that he would be wrong for doing something like that, but obviously he gave her the wrong impression.

Why doesn't your DH just put a block on her e-mail? I've done that a couple of times in the past. That does the trick. If she doesn't have his phone number or know where to find him then that's all that needs to be done.

Either way, she sounds odd. I think I'd let the people that were in charge of the seminar know about it as well so in the future they can have more rules in place when offering to share everyone's e-mail addresses.

How strange.

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#11 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 11:15 AM
 
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I think it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and you shouldn't worry about it...easier said than done, I know, but honestly it sounds like his heart and mind are in the right place and he's proving that to you through actions as well...
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#12 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 11:20 AM
 
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[QUOTE=mommy68;11766872] but obviously he gave her the wrong impression.QUOTE]

I certainly don't think your husband necessarily gave her the wrong impression...and this is the result...

Women are crafty and if they see "something" they want, many will stop at nothing (including destroying a family) to get it...especially where men are involved.

I think your husband, from what you've written, seems delightfully faithful to you, his wife, and I don't think you should assume anything was necesarily done on his part to cause her advances (if they are, in fact, advances)...
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#13 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 12:24 PM
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A response of any sort--even declining an invitation--is attention.

So, from now on, he should just delete her emails without even reading them. Eventually she'll get the message that he's not interested.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#14 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 12:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysLearning32 View Post
I think it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and you shouldn't worry about it...easier said than done, I know, but honestly it sounds like his heart and mind are in the right place and he's proving that to you through actions as well...


I NEVER phrased an invitation "for you and your wife, but if she can't come that's okay".

New endeavor coming soon...
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#15 of 15 Old 07-24-2008, 04:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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well, thanks again to the others who have responded. and thanks for the really nice comments about my DH. he really is a gem.

of course my initial response was "what the h*ll did you say to her to encourage this??" he assured me that during the 12 class meetings this woman sat next to him once or twice and that he really only chatted with her about aspects of her work that were applicable to the class they were taking and that was about it. part of the class is networking

he is a manager in the hospitality industry and being friendly and open is etched into his very being. on a zillion occasions, i have seen him work a room and have been blown away by his charisma and charm--especially with little old ladies. so i can see where a person who is looking for something or someone might read more into what he perceives as small talk. i told him he should tone it down when dealing with a similar situation and he said he would.

both DH and i have significant trust issues. i have the history with my own father's, um, let's call them "indiscretions," plus a previous long-term relationship that was torn apart by cheating (among other things). my DH was engaged 12 years ago, and with the invitations almost in the mail, his fiancee revealed that she'd been having an affair and they called off the wedding. SO this is something we both feel quite strongly about. i trust him as much as i can possibly trust anyone, and that sadly still isn't 100% due to no fault of his own. but given his openness and communication about this particular woman and her invitations, i have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

ultimately i think there are lonely people out there, and i agree with Alwayslearning that some can be "crafty" and manipulative. i think the woman in our situation was including me in her invitations as a smoke screen like Oriole subtly points out.
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