I need to make changes but I am afraid (x-posted in "parents as partners" - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-11-2008, 11:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My life, my marriage, everything has come to a turning point and it is all my choice where to go from here. I just need to get it out so I can gain some perspective and sort it all out.

My Husband is in basic training right now and it looks like because he is sick he will either be recycled (have to wait there until the next cycle starts and re-do Basic for a total of 18 weeks), which I am ok with, or be medically discharged, which I am going to be devastated about. This was our last chance. He is 33, working at a gas station, barely paying the bills, no health or life insurance, borrowing my Brother's car. This will be the 5th humongous failure in 4 years of his. He's been fired 2 from fairly well paying jobs (though only once was his fault admittedly),failed his CNA test the first time, failed out of Nursing school (this was kind of understandable since his UA violation boss kept scheduling mandatory meetings during his class time) and now this. Add to this an emotional affair on his end too. I can not live in poverty for the rest of my life and in this area that we live I could not find a job that would even cover daycare costs for 2 kids. If we have no $$$ moving isn't really an option either. The military was literally our best and only option at this point. I am mourning our dream. Part of me very much wants to send him a letter saying if you don't just get over it and get through the training don't bother coming home. Part of me wants him home because I do love him and miss him. I don't need him, I am perfectly capable of caring for our children on my own other than financially but I could find a way if I had to. Damn-it i wanted more babies though, I wanted a home with a Husband, I wanted to be able to take family vacations and have life insurance, and dental insurance, and a retirement plan, go shopping for a pair of pants when the seat wears out of my jeans and various other things that most people take for granted.

I can either let it go or not but he is never going to change, he is never going to come through for me. The only person who I can expect to change is me.

Becky married to Dave with our sons Davey(6), Beren(3), an Angel, and Seifer(11 m)
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Old 08-13-2008, 02:06 PM
 
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Your sig says happily married, I'm thinking today you're feeling at a crisis point now, but generally your relationship is strong. Am I right? For the most part it seems like you guys have just had a lot of tough breaks. Illness, scheduling conflicts, things like that aren't under control of either of you. He's trying, I'll bet he feels much as you do that he needs to provide better, and feels like crud about the failures and misfortunes you've suffered together. I don't know your DH but mine would be feeling very pessimistic and self blaming already at this point, and it'd be up to me to encourage and look to improving in the future, not let him sulk about the past and expect more of the same. If you want to tell him he'd better suck it up and make this military thing work, I'd say to do it by telling him you need this from him and he can, you believe he can. He needs your support and you need his. Without it he definitely won't come through.
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Old 08-13-2008, 05:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JamieCatheryn View Post
Your sig says happily married, I'm thinking today you're feeling at a crisis point now, but generally your relationship is strong. Am I right? For the most part it seems like you guys have just had a lot of tough breaks. Illness, scheduling conflicts, things like that aren't under control of either of you. He's trying, I'll bet he feels much as you do that he needs to provide better, and feels like crud about the failures and misfortunes you've suffered together. I don't know your DH but mine would be feeling very pessimistic and self blaming already at this point, and it'd be up to me to encourage and look to improving in the future, not let him sulk about the past and expect more of the same. If you want to tell him he'd better suck it up and make this military thing work, I'd say to do it by telling him you need this from him and he can, you believe he can. He needs your support and you need his. Without it he definitely won't come through.
I found this to be an amazing post. :
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Old 08-14-2008, 01:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am deeply disappointed in him and am trying to realize that he is not going to change. So I need to do something because this isn't working. That something probably involves going back to school. I have an associates degree in Fine Arts, so not too many career choices out there for me. I will probably do something like massage therapy, though I dream about becoming a midwife, though it will take longer than I can feasibly do while on my own with 2 littles. I am hoping and praying for him to call and tell me that his test wasn't as bad as he thought, or that he realizes 18 weeks isn't so bad, or that they won't let him go, just wait until he gets better. I do very much love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I need him to work harder for our family's future, and I need to be able to feed and clothe the kids too. This is the FIFTH time in FOUR years that something like this has happened. Every time I have stood by him, filled out application, helped him study, helped him work out. I'm just tired of it is all. I am also mourning the loss of a 3rd baby I don't feel comfortable conceiving because of all this. I wanted at least one more kid, in no way shape or form do I feel we were done but I can't have another with a man who isn't going to help provide for them.

Becky married to Dave with our sons Davey(6), Beren(3), an Angel, and Seifer(11 m)
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Old 08-14-2008, 01:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And no he is not trying, he is an intelligent and bright man, if he were trying he would succeed. I would be better about supporting him if it this wasn't an every year kind of thing, but I'm tired. I wanted another baby, a family vacation every once in a while, money so I could buy DS some big boy underwear, money so I can get my cavaties filled because my teeth hurt. I wasn't asking for anything more than what most people take for granted.

Becky married to Dave with our sons Davey(6), Beren(3), an Angel, and Seifer(11 m)
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Old 08-14-2008, 12:52 PM
 
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So, by making changes you are meaning going back to school? I am a little confused if you are LEAVING him over this or just trying to change the course of your career. I don't see why you have to leave him- if you feel like you need to become the breadwinner, that doesn't mean you need to end your love relationship does it?

I guess if it does, maybe you could talk to someone who is objective about how you are interpreting his not providing for you as not loving you. Maybe if you can separate his inability (whether real or in his own mind) or unwillingness to provide for your physical needs from you ability to love him unconditionally, you can make positive changes in your life that enable you to meet those physical needs for yourself and still have a husband and father for your children... and eventually I am sure he will come around when he sees your beautiful example and knows that your love for him is not based on him measuring up? I think marriage has to be 100/100, not 50/50- in other words, sometimes one person might give 10% but you still give 100%, and sometimes you will give less and the other person more.

There is a thread about NVC (non-violent communication) and I really recommend the book to you to help you clarify what your wants and needs are, empathize with him and how he is seeing things, and adjust to the idea of making requests to him, and how to accept it when he doesn't fulfill them. My attitude towards my husband was highly improved when I stopped making demands for things I felt were necessary and instead, made requests with the assurance that I only wanted him to contribute to my well being if he could do so willingly. If not, I need to find other ways to meet my needs- and for this I rely on God and my inuition. The results have been incredible in that where he has not met needs I felt were necessary, I have been able to channel out other ways of getting them met and still have harmony between us.
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Old 08-14-2008, 06:32 PM
 
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A p.s. to my last post- I can relate to where you are at and why you feel like maybe you need to move on. I hope what I said doesn't sound judgmental and as though I don't take your unmet needs lightly. It just seems like maybe you are interpreting his failures to provide for the things you want or need as a sign he does not truly love you. I'm sure he does tho- some people just have "blockages" in their lives and they can't seem to break out of negative patterns. I guess the thing for you to ask yourself is do you think he loves you- and what is the real measuring stick of love- is it just a feeling? is it just actions? where do the two meet? If getting our needs met through another person becomes the criteria of a successful relationship, I think our relationships could all be on rocky terrain... and yet, how to we depend on each other in healthy ways, because loved one DO depend on each other. Just thoughts to consider. I am considering them myself! My husband and I have been on the verge of living on our 20 acres on separate spots do to certain unmet needs on both sides that we are trying to resolve. But I know that we are "meant to be" and so we are still trying.
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