Moms who have had their crunchy plans sabotaged by reality-Support Thread - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 213 Old 08-26-2008, 12:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, and I got amazing advice here, too. Not all of it fits, but MDC has so many posters that I'm bound to find something that will work for us.
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#122 of 213 Old 08-26-2008, 01:03 PM
 
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FancyD, I love your siggy. It is so true!
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#123 of 213 Old 08-26-2008, 01:45 PM
 
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I think it's helpful to reconsider whether it's healthy to aim for any sort of 'perfection' or 'simplicity'. That's not real, that's not life. Life is messy and dirty and passionate. Even nature is imperfect, and that in no way lessens the fantastic, wonderful chaos that it often is.

We need to outright reject that we can control everything-- from our toddler's powerful emotions-- to our belief that if we do everything 'right' from the point of cultural pressue-- we can have a certain outcome-- and that's just not true. It leads to shame and guilt and demonizing folks or ideas that can make perfect sense, depending on the situtaion and the people involved.

You can't get messy and take chances and all if you are fearful of not following the tenants of some beliefs to the letter. (From the simple-- shit this baby is heavy, I wish I could put her in the stroller for while without harming her emotionally-- to the profound-- and everyone has a profound. But that's going to be personal...mine was my child's birth defect.
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#124 of 213 Old 08-26-2008, 01:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom View Post
I think it's helpful to reconsider whether it's healthy to aim for any sort of 'perfection' or 'simplicity'. That's not real, that's not life. Life is messy and dirty and passionate. Even nature is imperfect, and that in no way lessens the fantastic, wonderful chaos that it often is.

We need to outright reject that we can control everything-- from our toddler's powerful emotions-- to our belief that if we do everything 'right' from the point of cultural pressue-- we can have a certain outcome-- and that's just not true. It leads to shame and guilt and demonizing folks or ideas that can make perfect sense, depending on the situtaion and the people involved.

You can't get messy and take chances and all if you are fearful of not following the tenants of some beliefs to the letter. (From the simple-- shit this baby is heavy, I wish I could put her in the stroller for while without harming her emotionally-- to the profound-- and everyone has a profound. But that's going to be personal...mine was my child's birth defect.
Great post
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#125 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 01:27 PM
 
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I'm reopening this thread and moving it to Personal Growth, with the OP's input. Please keep the OP's intent in mind:
Quote:
I mostly post on the SN board, but I'd like to talk about this with all kinds of mothers.
How to cope when life doesn't quite work out the way you dreamed, and how to still be AP/NFL, to the best of your abilities.

Topics like this, yk? Not so much 'bragging' how un-AP/NFL we are, but how we are trying to do our best. How to cope with real life issues, and how we attempt to keep them as close to our original ideals as possible.
In keeping with FancyD's intent and the User Agreement, while we recognize that introductions will include a "list" of sorts, that's not the point of this thread. We have not in the past, nor will we host now, threads and posts that celebrate how "un-crunchy," un-AP, or un-NFL someone is. There's got to be middle ground between a non-crunchy hootenanny and wearing a scarlet M (for mainstream, donchaknow) and I hope we can find it on this thread.

So, keeping both the User Agreement and the Statement of Purpose in mind, have a great thread.

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#126 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 01:28 PM
 
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Moving to personal growth.

Also, I removed a few posts but wanted to get your thread back up asap. I'll try to PM people tonight. Thanks!

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#127 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 01:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, AM. I can imagine this is a tricky thread. Thanks to all mods/admin for keeping it around.
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#128 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 01:47 PM
 
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#129 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 02:04 PM
 
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i totally don't have time to type up WHY i belong here; suffice to say that i do.

thank you:

Writer, teacher, and mama to Rhiannon Morningstar 6/28/05
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#130 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 03:49 PM
 
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Hi -

I am new to this thread - and love the idea...

My children are 5 and 2. The 5 yr old is intense - requires a lot of everything....

My DH is intense - or has developed that way in the past 5 yrs...I suspect some OCD/ADD issues...

I can't do everything I "aspire" to do - some is because of the amt of energy devoted to DS and DH - some from budget issues (organics are not in the budget for example).

One thing I can ditto from an earlier poster is that it has made me much more accepting of all parenting styles...parents of all types usually love their children/families as much as I do...they just find different ways that work for them....who am I to judge any of that?

I've had to be happy with a balance...some local foods, some WIC cheese

some gentle discipline, some time outs

homebirthing, cloth diapering and breastfeeding have worked out for us so far...but I would be okay if it didn't with baby #3 because I know there are lots of different ways to do things....

glad to see this tribe here....
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#131 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 03:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Welcome Tribe Members!
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#132 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 04:00 PM
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My boys are 20 and 14 (Dd is 3 but I didn't deliver her) and I'm finally over the fact that they were C-section babies wedged in breech. Probably due to me being 4" 11" and Dh being 6" 1" and I have a short waist. I was really grasping at straws thinking I was going for a natural birth.
I did get to breastfeed both for a couple years and I'm grateful for that. Other NFL stuff just didn't happen, Co-sleeping meant everyone slept but me.
Organics are few and far between, but we try I usually look for no HFC and other chemicals in food rather than organic, although organics seem to be missing the HFC and other junk so it makes shopping easier, just more expensive.
Dd had formula from Day one seeing she was adopted and was already happy with her bottle when we got her.
I have pretty much aimed for Happy, healthy, independent, loving, attached, sympathetic and accepting kinda kids. I hope I'm getting good results.
I also have been known to yell when I need to reel myself in a bit and time outs have worked well for my kids, I don't mes with success if I can help it.
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#133 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 04:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom View Post
I think it's helpful to reconsider whether it's healthy to aim for any sort of 'perfection' or 'simplicity'. That's not real, that's not life. Life is messy and dirty and passionate. Even nature is imperfect, and that in no way lessens the fantastic, wonderful chaos that it often is.
Well put! I fully agree!

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#134 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 08:12 PM
 
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I fit here.

All four of my kids were vaginal births, although in the hospital. We don't have a birthing center or midwives here, if we did I would have gone that route. I also nursed all of my kids (ds is still nursing, at 3.5) with nothing more than a few toe-curling bouts of thrush to contend with. For these things, I'm grateful.

While pregnant with dd#2, I became aware of the reality of circumcision. Had dd#1 been a boy, I would have circed. I am eternally grateful that I had a girl first. I know many mamas here have this same experience.

I went on to have a third girl, while many of my friends were having boys, and circ'ing. I was thrilled when we found out we were expecting ds, because I felt like I could show people that leaving your son intact really is possible. I always felt like my credibility was somehow compromised when I only had daughters.

Then ds was born with third-degree hypospadias.

Three surgeries later, everything works the way it should, but he looks circ'ed. Kind of. He's got some extra skin on the underside that our urologist suggested removing for cosmetic reasons. Dh and I said no, we'll leave that decision up to our son. We felt like it was the least we could do, after everything else we had to put him through.

I know we didn't have a choice (really, we didn't -- it was incredibly severe), but I still feel so robbed.
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#135 of 213 Old 08-27-2008, 09:49 PM
 
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me me can i play?

oh the pizza guys is here...
i will share my story later

Erika, wife to Eric, Mom to Son's, Mathias, Colin and Bonus Baby Girl Salem ::
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#136 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 12:45 AM
 
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I circ'ed I had no idea that there were reasons to not! And my DH wanted him to be. Or so I thought.

But now I've talked to my DH about it, and he's not as passionate about the subject as I thought. Our next son will not be circ'ed.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#137 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 02:12 AM
 
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I started as a very mainstream mom. I didn't know any better. I had researched and thought I knew what I needed to know. I had pre-e. Dd was born at 35wks due to prom. It was a scary, intervention filled birth that I had a hard time getting over. She was fine, but I had a raging infection of some sort and was in the hospital on iv meds for a week after her birth. Being a preemie and me being on meds made bfing very hard. I ended up supplementing from the beginning. She was tiny and grew slowly. I got her vaxed, because that was what the dr said to do. I had no idea that there was even an option. She stopped nursing at 4.5mo. She was (and still is) a very high needs kid. It's always been about making her environment amenable to her, because she won't meld to her environment.

In many ways ds has helped me heal from the problems I had with dd's birth and newborn period, but he had his own challenges as well. He was induced at 38wks because I had pre-e again and ob wanted me to deliver while I was still relatively healthy. Even with tons of pitocin & iv antibiotics I had as natural of a birth as I could. I borrowed hypnobabies and it worked well until about an hour before his birth. Looking back, it was probably transition, but I was tired (by that time it had been 10hrs of constant pit and more and more pit), the baby's heart rate was dropping and I was freaking out. I ended up getting an epidural, even though I had planned not to. I did what I had to do to.

The further I go on this parenting journey the crunchier I want to get. I did stop vaxing dd and ds hasn't had any. Ds is intact and like a pp I'm glad he was my 2nd, before finding mdc (while pg with him) I had no idea that you could refuse a circ.

I had done a lot of reading about eating local and organic this winter and I was determined to buy a freezer and stock it with local, organic food from the farmer's market so that I could see each person who raised my food. Then I went to the farmers market. The prices are in some cases way more than I can afford. So I compromised. Our grocery store buys produce from local growers so I'm getting stuff there on sale and stocking the freezer. I have gotten some things from the market, but not everything as I had planned. I had to do it the way were I could get the most food for my family that my budget will allow. I got organic grain and a mill and started making my own bread because it's cheaper to do that than to buy locally baked organic bread. (and really who knows where their flour comes from, we don't live in a big wheat producing area)

So my ideals of crunchy-ness and my reality sometimes are quite far apart. But I always keep those ideals in the back of my mind and try to take steps (no matter how small) towards being a better mom and consumer (among other things).

It's getting late and I have to go to bed. I didn't even get into dd's eating issues or having to supplement ds with formula to avoid him being diagnosed with failure to thrive. (talk about tons of tears and guilt over that)

bbl
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#138 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 03:21 AM
 
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My niece couldn't nurse because of her rough start, so i I understand that side perfectly well. I wasn't judging non-nursing moms as lazy at all. Far from it.

It's some of the LCs I have met and especially the LLL in the town where I used to live. I called the LLL leader in tears one day because DS hadn't had a wet diaper in over 24 hours and she just said "oh, it's just your latch. Everyone can breastfeed, just be the boss and push him on there properly!"

Yeah... no. It's that mentality that would be preventing me from even participating in the organization.
I would've wanted to reach through the phone and do unspeakable things. :

I don't feel guilty for my breastfeeding experience, I really don't think anyone could've done more. I busted my ass and still do to give my daughter as much breastmilk as I could (can), so the fact that about 90% of her diet has come from formula is not a guilt-making thing. Guilt-making would be the fact that I let her weight stagnate for so long before giving her the formula!

I should be a LLL leader too

So low supply affected my NFL aspirations... I had hoped to exclusively bf for as long as possible, do extended bf'ing, etc. But I'm just glad that I fought through to the point that now we DO have a really beautiful nursing relationship. Not perfect; but what is?!?

GD is something I'm always working on. I was spanked/smacked as a child a lot. More than I *remember*, because my body remembers... when I get angry, my body moves to strike. I have to fight with myself. It is getting easier. I do not ever intend to strike my baby girl. She deserves better than that.

Now, yelling... oy, I am a big yeller! I gotta work harder on that!

Hiyas everyone
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#139 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 02:16 PM
 
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GD is something I'm always working on. I was spanked/smacked as a child a lot. More than I *remember*, because my body remembers... when I get angry, my body moves to strike. I have to fight with myself.
Me too me too! I've been thinking about this a lot lately - I wonder what it was like with my mom when I was a baby. She was a single mom at 19 and apparently I was the worst baby ever...

I wonder why I get so physical when I get angry. It is a conundrum.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#140 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 02:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was also spanked, and when I get frustrated I want to spank. For me, that means we both need some 'meditation' time. We're both happier when we're done.
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#141 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 03:24 PM
 
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Me too me too! I've been thinking about this a lot lately - I wonder what it was like with my mom when I was a baby. She was a single mom at 19 and apparently I was the worst baby ever...

I wonder why I get so physical when I get angry. It is a conundrum.
same here. I used to be so judgmental and unforgiving of parents who yelled at their kids or even spanked them (possibly because I was yelled at and spanked) - now I'm starting to understand why parents can get pushed to their limits (not that it excuses it - just that I feel more compassion for them) and that they are human. I want to do GD with my child and I'm struggling with accepting that I prob won't be able to do it perfectly all the time, esp with my anger issues...I'm prob gonna lose my cool now and then, which is oh so hard for me to accept.

I'm struggling right now with not being able to be as crunchy as I'd like in the food department... because of finances Unfort being a SAHM means compromises in the organic and eco-friendly everything thing...I still try to do it all but it's taking too much toll on our budget.

It's funny but a lot of second, third and fourth time moms I meet seem to have been more able to let go of some of these high standards we put on ourselves, of being perfect AP crunchy moms...as a first time mom I am still trying to do it all 'right' and am very idealistic, I think.
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#142 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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The important thing to remember is that it's your child that determines what type of parenting they need, not some arbitrary checklist on a website or comments from strangers. No matter how 'AP' some action is, there are children out there, both SN and NT, who want no part of it.

I wanted a vaginal birth - had a c-section. My child hated being worn. Those are just a few examples of things that went differently than I had planned.

Right now I am pregnant with my second child. This one is different before birth, as I can't eat several foods including whole wheat or whole grains without suffering severe indigestion and heartburn. My diet is mostly highly processed foods, as that is what my stomach can tolerate. I'm not happy about it, as I had worked for a long time to improve my diet and I feel like I'm backsliding, but it's temporary (I hope).
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#143 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 04:14 PM
 
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same here. I used to be so judgmental and unforgiving of parents who yelled at their kids or even spanked them (possibly because I was yelled at and spanked) - now I'm starting to understand why parents can get pushed to their limits (not that it excuses it - just that I feel more compassion for them) and that they are human. I want to do GD with my child and I'm struggling with accepting that I prob won't be able to do it perfectly all the time, esp with my anger issues...I'm prob gonna lose my cool now and then, which is oh so hard for me to accept.

I'm struggling right now with not being able to be as crunchy as I'd like in the food department... because of finances Unfort being a SAHM means compromises in the organic and eco-friendly everything thing...I still try to do it all but it's taking too much toll on our budget.

It's funny but a lot of second, third and fourth time moms I meet seem to have been more able to let go of some of these high standards we put on ourselves, of being perfect AP crunchy moms...as a first time mom I am still trying to do it all 'right' and am very idealistic, I think.
This is exactly right! My friends and I used to talk about so and so not bfing or cosleeping or whatever but then baby #3 or #4 comes along and then you realize that perfect isn't the goal, sanity and grace are. We as women do not give eachother the grace we should. I have spanked. Do I like it? Am I proud of myself? Hell no! But its where I was then and I am constantly trying to do better for my kids and family. I have never needed another mother criticizing me. Just a shoulder and support. The reality is that almost every family has some dysfunction in it if you look hard enough, and those of us who are trying to live up to the AP/NFL doctrine beat ourselves up harder than anyone else could, and those parents who aren't on the AP trip are not going to change because some mom disapproves. Love each other. My least AP friend has great kids, and she herself came a long way from how she was raised. She was put in the hospital by her father. So even though she isn't doing GD she is trying to be better, without having been given the skills, and without the innate curiosity alot of us AP moms have.
Love each other. Give your stuggling friends a break. Help them clean,Potluck together. I find a good potluck, even if the food literally came out of a dumpster(which sometimes it has for us), really helps the spirit.
We are all trying. Even if we have to let go of some of the ideals we started with. We will get there or close enough, and if WE don't, our kids will, because every generation tries to do better than their parents

homebirthing,,homeschooling intactalactivist mom to 3dd jumpers.gifand 2dsbouncy.gif.babyf.gifAlways busy
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#144 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 04:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We will get there or close enough, and if WE don't, our kids will, because every generation tries to do better than their parents
This is something that keeps me sane in my darker moments. I am doing better than my parents, and DS will be a better parent than me.
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#145 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 07:50 PM
 
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This is exactly right! My friends and I used to talk about so and so not bfing or cosleeping or whatever but then baby #3 or #4 comes along and then you realize that perfect isn't the goal, sanity and grace are. We as women do not give eachother the grace we should. I have spanked. Do I like it? Am I proud of myself? Hell no! But its where I was then and I am constantly trying to do better for my kids and family. I have never needed another mother criticizing me. Just a shoulder and support. The reality is that almost every family has some dysfunction in it if you look hard enough, and those of us who are trying to live up to the AP/NFL doctrine beat ourselves up harder than anyone else could, and those parents who aren't on the AP trip are not going to change because some mom disapproves. Love each other. My least AP friend has great kids, and she herself came a long way from how she was raised. She was put in the hospital by her father. So even though she isn't doing GD she is trying to be better, without having been given the skills, and without the innate curiosity alot of us AP moms have.
Love each other. Give your stuggling friends a break. Help them clean,Potluck together. I find a good potluck, even if the food literally came out of a dumpster(which sometimes it has for us), really helps the spirit.
We are all trying. Even if we have to let go of some of the ideals we started with. We will get there or close enough, and if WE don't, our kids will, because every generation tries to do better than their parents


what a fabulous post. thanks for that. it made my day.
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#146 of 213 Old 08-28-2008, 10:54 PM
 
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Wow. Just wow.

The humanity and reality of this thread is just mind blowing. Just finished reading, and I am amazed by the honesty and striving of you all. I haven't seen the word "grace" used in a way I could appreciate in a very long time.

Count me in.
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#147 of 213 Old 08-29-2008, 02:09 AM
 
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We are all trying. Even if we have to let go of some of the ideals we started with. We will get there or close enough, and if WE don't, our kids will, because every generation tries to do better than their parents
My Mom made a comment to me when I was pregnant, about my chosing a home birth. She was a forceps baby with full intervention, & bottle fed because the Dr. would not let her mom BF (1952, the Dr. told her "your not a cow!") She however, birthed naturally at a small hospital, with only an epesiotimy as intervention. (1979 & 1981) She was very excited that I was planing a home birth, & said something to the effect of "If we keep it up, at this rate, your kids will be birthing under a bush in the back yard!" My homebirth didn't work out though, I'm glad that c/s exist though, I'm glad DD & I are alive. Sometimes I wonder though, how her birth will affect how she will give birth.

Elisha; happy, working, mountain/river/music, single mamma to Charlotte hearts.gif 03/16/08.      http://rivermamma.blogspot.com/

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#148 of 213 Old 08-29-2008, 03:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so happy this group is working out. : Kudos to all of you...
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#149 of 213 Old 08-29-2008, 03:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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150-ish posts and over 4,000 views. People are certainly curious!
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#150 of 213 Old 08-29-2008, 10:17 AM
 
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I'm going to sub!

Thankfully I never had trouble breastfeeding (at least, only minor struggles in the first week or so) but I sure had trouble birthing. I labor for days and only when I got an epidural and could sleep, did things start moving along.

DS is very active and hated the sling. He is awful to sleep with because he thrashes and squirms and kicks. He would keep me up for hours in the middle of the night, in the dark, wanting to play. DD screamed from 1-4 in the morning for the first couple of months of life and I wound up with mono for 6 months because I was so sleep deprived. I also stopped CD during that time because I didn't have the energy to stand there and wash diapers. Or cook. Or engage DS in meaningful activities instead of TV, because I literally was running on fumes. Mono on top of fibromyalgia is really awful.

Both my kids are very headstrong and high needs and have minds of their own. We have had to do whatever we could to keep everyone's sanity intact and get everyone as much sleep and rest as possible. I'm subbing.
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