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#1 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 01:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We moved last March to a place that I hate. I hate the climate, the mentality, the small-mindedness, the lack of progressive thinking, the disrespect of children, the overall aggression of adults and children, the mosquitoes that keep us from ever being able to go outside, the oppressive heat.
I've been so depressed here. My husband is gone at work all day. My son can't adjust to preschool because it's so controlling, cold, and oppressive (and it's the 2nd one we've been to- the first was much worse). I wanted him to be at school so I could work on managing my emotions and try to be a good mom to him while I'm with him. but now he's always with me, I'm always depressed, and he's unhappy. He's lonely and I'm lonely.
If I had supportive family I would just go stay with them with my son. I feel an urgent desire/need to get out of this state.
If my dh can find a job where we want to live, we would have to pay back up to $35k in moving expenses. (To not have to pay back the moving expenses he'd have to be with his job for two full years).
But I'm so unhappy. I've never disliked living somewhere as much as I dislike it here. It seems I've had nothing but bad experiences with people since we moved here. I feel like I'm ruining my son's life, living in such an oppressive place and a place in which I'm so unhappy.
Should we move in spite of the pay back on the moving expenses?
How do I cope in the time between now and when we finally can move?
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#2 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 01:43 AM
 
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Internet!

I swear, the internet saved my life when I was trapped in Kansas.
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#3 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 01:44 AM
 
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We moved last March to a place that I hate. I hate the climate, the mentality, the small-mindedness, the lack of progressive thinking, the disrespect of children, the overall aggression of adults and children, the mosquitoes that keep us from ever being able to go outside, the oppressive heat.
I've been so depressed here. My husband is gone at work all day. My son can't adjust to preschool because it's so controlling, cold, and oppressive (and it's the 2nd one we've been to- the first was much worse). I wanted him to be at school so I could work on managing my emotions and try to be a good mom to him while I'm with him. but now he's always with me, I'm always depressed, and he's unhappy. He's lonely and I'm lonely.
If I had supportive family I would just go stay with them with my son. I feel an urgent desire/need to get out of this state.
If my dh can find a job where we want to live, we would have to pay back up to $35k in moving expenses. (To not have to pay back the moving expenses he'd have to be with his job for two full years).
But I'm so unhappy. I've never disliked living somewhere as much as I dislike it here. It seems I've had nothing but bad experiences with people since we moved here. I feel like I'm ruining my son's life, living in such an oppressive place and a place in which I'm so unhappy.
Should we move in spite of the pay back on the moving expenses?
How do I cope in the time between now and when we finally can move?
i'm in a very similar situation now. 35K is a lot of money... is there a time period in which you would have to have it returned back to the company? If so, stay the entire two years. There are plenty of things you'll find to do. You'll make it work, somehow. But, if your sanity is in question and you absolutely can not stay (you know better than us) move, as soon as possible. You'll find a way to make it without seeing the path ahead...you'll be fueled by your absolute hate for where you currently reside.

good luck!
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#4 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 02:32 AM
 
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You know, I've been feeling similarly, though not as severely since I've lived here a while and do have friends, activities DD and I like, etc. But I am burnt out on New York City and the Village especially. I posted Monday in Parents as Partners about living separately from DH so that we can each live in the cities we'd prefer but visit one another.

What I'm leaning toward for this year, mostly for work, preschool, and financial reasons, is me and the kids spending lots of time away. I plan to be out of town for about 115 days over the next year, maybe 1/3-1/2 with DH. I tried for at least a week of every month, either as a couple long weekends or preferrably a full week. Most will be to visit family and friends so less housing costs, but some will be hotel and some will be plane trips.

In your situation, can you look for info on here and elsewhere on the web for both "crunchier" cities within weekend driving distance/train distance to visit and any interesting museums or zoos, etc, especially less traditionally child-focused? Have friends/relatives in travelable distance where you can arrange a night a week in a more friendly environment? If your DH loves his work, and is like mine, he might be thrilled at the idea of having a night where he can work late or get a drink with a friend and not be putting you or the kids out in any way.

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#5 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 06:03 AM
 
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Wow! It almost sounds like you live in my area. What a difficult situation to be in.

How's your husband doing? Is he enjoying his job? Is what he's getting out of it helping the family in anyway? If not, maybe it'd be worth considering moving—especially if he can find a job in another state that pays better compared to the cost of living.

For now, though, it may not be a bad idea to stick it out a little longer. You may find that 2 years seems like forever, but it's not terribly far away. There are ways to cope with living somewhere you don't like, but it takes a little detective work to find things you enjoy and it takes a little time to adjust too.

As you don't want to end up somewhere else you hate, you will want to do lots of research for the ideal place to live. Add in the fact you also want your husband to be happy with his new job and your son to be happy with his school, and you may find it takes nearly two years just to find a good place to move to. Do lots of research on other states and individual cities. Take trips out there. Little vacations are wonderful ways to cope with living somewhere you don't like.

In the meantime, it could help to open a small savings or CD account where you can stick away a little month every month to contribute to getting out. Taking these proactive measures for the future can help you feel less trapped in the present.

For your and your LO's present sanity, it is important to find like-minded people ASAP. It may not be easy to do where you live, but I'm sure a few exist.

Check out a "tribe" on MDC that's close to (or in) your location and see if anyone there has any suggestions on schools for your son and activities for you where you can find others who share your values. Do a little detective work using google. If you can find a little oasis of people you like, it will give you friends (who are key to coping) and they will give you the dirt on how to deal with the craziness of where you live (and they probably will vent with you too ).

One last thing to keep in mind is that your situation may improve if you simply moved to a different county. Both the people and the environment can be different—even just 20 miles in a different direction. Your husband wouldn't have to give up his job and it'd cost a lot less than going to another state.

I lived in my state for 10 years and always wanted out, but when we found our house (in this county that we never even heard of at the time) life really improved. It's made it enjoyable enough that I'm okay with staying here a few more years until our house has built up some equity and/or my husband is tired of his job.

Best of luck to you!

Enjoying the adventure of NFL with my partner-in-crime , DD 03.09 , , &
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#6 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 06:33 AM
 
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Tudo bem, i just wanted to send you hugs & support, & like the tattoo on my arm reads, "boa sorte!"

i have lived places i hated. some times it sucks the whole time, & sometimes you find a niche. best wishes!
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#7 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 06:38 AM
 
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You have to bloom where you are planted.
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#8 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 12:27 PM
 
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Definitely internet is good for that, lol. I'd like to be living somewhere else myself. I hear you on heat and mosquitos. Odds are there really are people in your area that think like you do. Unfortunately they're probably used to keeping to themselves for the same reason you are so they might be hard to find. Are there any kind of group activities in your area that sound like they could attract more open minded people? I'm not sure which ones to suggest since I don't go to any myself. Just thinking of ideas. My way of coping now is to get more into hobbies I haven't had time for in the past. My personality is more of a recluse though so if I don't find like minded people I usually don't care much.
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#9 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 01:06 PM
 
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You have to bloom where you are planted.
I lived in a rural area near Topeka, Kansas, where the westboro baptist church, a nationally known hate group is based. Some of their followers harrassed me on the job and actively tried to get me fired because I was 'evil' due to my beliefs. There is so much silent support for them it is unbelievable.

Even before I worked with them, I was surrounded by ultra religious people who were against equal rights for women, against equal rights for GLBT people, against pretty much everything I believe for that matter. I have a mixed race child and I was constantly asked if he was mine or subjected to obnoxious comments. As a single mom, I didn't even consider dating or trying to make friends because there was nobody, except for a couple of other miserable misfits who were trying desperately to get the hell out of Kansas who I could even have a conversation with about anything. The people I worked with went out of their way to turn conversations around with anyone single to try to determine their sexual and religious status. The Topeka area is hands down the most miserable area I have ever had the misfortune to live in and believe me, I've lived all over. There was no blooming. I didn't care much for Orlando or Tulsa either, but I managed to have friends and carve out a life in both of those places, which was something I was completely unable to do in Topeka. Wichita is like another country. If I didn't know better I would swear Lawrence was in a completely different state, as well. The entire time I was in the Topeka area, I saw a counselor who was in the process of transferring out of the area, and we would laugh about how much we disliked the area, which somehow helped me cope.


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#10 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 02:39 PM
 
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I'm an internet addict because of this. I have open minded crunchy moms around but I seriously hate where I live. DH doesn't really want to move anywhere because hes afraid his mom will die and he wont be here. (She's had a triple bypass but is fine now - no other health concerns). The only 2 places he wants to move are Texas or California because he has family there - and only 1 individual family in California he has met - the rest are total strangers. UGH. I wasn to move to Pitkin, LA where my entire family (minus my dads family here who we rarely talk to, my mom, and my grandma - mom and grandma would move with us)
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#11 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 03:25 PM
 
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Here are some of the things I'm doing to try and be happier in the now, while I'm stuck feeling isolated and lonely and hating the place I live in.

Try to make a mental list of the things you like about where you are now. There has to be something. Some of mine are....my wonderful garden, a big master bedroom that fits all our beds, it's green, the sky is pretty when it's the perfect color blue, watching the trees blowing in the wind.....
Then remind yourself of this list every morning.

Get yourself and ds out. Find somewhere appealing to go. Even if it's far. Just do it. Even if it's only once a month.

Start planning your escape. Do research online about where you'll go in two years when you can get out. Start saving for your move now. Do proactive things to get yourself somewhere else.

CHOOSE to be in a good mood. This works. I know it sounds hokey but it helps sometimes. Smile. Even when you don't feel it inside, smile.

Come to MDC for like minded Mammas. It's always nice to have friends IRL. But when there are none, MDC has saved my life.

Don't forget that these days with your lo will be gone fast. No matter where you are on this planet, you will not get these days with him back. Make a blanket fort in your living room, get in it with him and then forget everything else. I promise, you will blink and he will be big. Focus on that.

I know it's hard. IT SUCKS. As cliche as it sounds, you only have today. Just focus on getting through today. Make it through this one day as best you can, don't think about tomorrow. Just today. And before you know it, the two years will have flown by!!
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#12 of 45 Old 09-04-2008, 06:52 PM
 
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oh i can relate, to top my problem off too is that my family all live here so they are all like OP list, but they are my FAMILY!!

i live near jacksonville, fl, in waycross, ga.

its terrible. i have two like minded friends tho! one is from croatia! (she just moved here and is my age with a little boy my sons age) and a friend from down south florida. i am lucky to have them. also the preschool here is very very nice, they base their disclipline in the classroom on the HALT theory, how cool is that! other than that, i try to hang out in places where different people will be or go to in my town.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#13 of 45 Old 09-05-2008, 04:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all of your advice! It is a big decision to make. Maybe the approach we will take is to be "looking" for another job and see what the options are, but try to do whatever we can here to feel connected.
I think I worry the most about my son. He is affected by my level of contentment. That may be the biggest deciding factor. I need to be grounded and available to him which is harder when you're not happy nor feeling connected.
A lot to think about...
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#14 of 45 Old 09-05-2008, 09:38 PM
 
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Wow, it must be so difficult for you!

Would you say you're more of an extrovert or an introvert? If you really need to be around people to recharge your batteries (and there's nothing wrong with that) I can see what this environment you're in is so challenging....

Just the other day I heard Dr. Bernie Siegel say the most "important relationship we have is with our self!" So, how would you feel about doing "inner work" -- reading up on subjects that interest you, meditation, working out/fitness. Of course it's not easy to find spare time being a stay-at-home mom. But maybe some "me time" will give you some optimism....It's also a healthy way to escape from the negativity/depressing surroundings.

But if you are truly unhappy I would set a goal of moving in 2 years when you are free of the financial obligation. In the meantime, I would try and use the time for something positive. Maybe you and your son can start your own little preschool? You could play "school!" even if it's just the two of you!

If you're into self-help/new age type things, there's a GREAT online radio station www.hayhouseradio.com I highly recommend it and listening to actual live persons makes me feel less alone. The site has lots and lots of programming (free) that is quite uplifting, something for everyone. I subscribe to to the "wisdom community" and have access to the archives (it's $48 a year) but if you don't want to subscribe there's still lots of free programming every day, 24 hours a day!

Best of luck to you! I hope something positive comes out of all this for you and your family. :


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We moved last March to a place that I hate. I hate the climate, the mentality, the small-mindedness, the lack of progressive thinking, the disrespect of children, the overall aggression of adults and children, the mosquitoes that keep us from ever being able to go outside, the oppressive heat.
I've been so depressed here. My husband is gone at work all day. My son can't adjust to preschool because it's so controlling, cold, and oppressive (and it's the 2nd one we've been to- the first was much worse). I wanted him to be at school so I could work on managing my emotions and try to be a good mom to him while I'm with him. but now he's always with me, I'm always depressed, and he's unhappy. He's lonely and I'm lonely.
If I had supportive family I would just go stay with them with my son. I feel an urgent desire/need to get out of this state.
If my dh can find a job where we want to live, we would have to pay back up to $35k in moving expenses. (To not have to pay back the moving expenses he'd have to be with his job for two full years).
But I'm so unhappy. I've never disliked living somewhere as much as I dislike it here. It seems I've had nothing but bad experiences with people since we moved here. I feel like I'm ruining my son's life, living in such an oppressive place and a place in which I'm so unhappy.
Should we move in spite of the pay back on the moving expenses?
How do I cope in the time between now and when we finally can move?
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#15 of 45 Old 09-05-2008, 09:51 PM
 
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We moved last March to a place that I hate. I hate the climate, the mentality, the small-mindedness, the lack of progressive thinking, the disrespect of children, the overall aggression of adults and children, the mosquitoes that keep us from ever being able to go outside, the oppressive heat.
I've been so depressed here. My husband is gone at work all day. My son can't adjust to preschool because it's so controlling, cold, and oppressive (and it's the 2nd one we've been to- the first was much worse). I wanted him to be at school so I could work on managing my emotions and try to be a good mom to him while I'm with him. but now he's always with me, I'm always depressed, and he's unhappy. He's lonely and I'm lonely.
If I had supportive family I would just go stay with them with my son. I feel an urgent desire/need to get out of this state.
If my dh can find a job where we want to live, we would have to pay back up to $35k in moving expenses. (To not have to pay back the moving expenses he'd have to be with his job for two full years).
But I'm so unhappy. I've never disliked living somewhere as much as I dislike it here. It seems I've had nothing but bad experiences with people since we moved here. I feel like I'm ruining my son's life, living in such an oppressive place and a place in which I'm so unhappy.
Should we move in spite of the pay back on the moving expenses?
How do I cope in the time between now and when we finally can move?
Wow. All I can say is I thought I was the only MDC mama living in my town. Now I have to read your responses so I can benefit from them too.
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#16 of 45 Old 09-05-2008, 11:56 PM
 
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This was me...

We had moved to Arkansas and I got pregnant right away. I was puking constantly and couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I was extremely homesick and extremely bored and felt useless.

After my son was born I got very involved in our church group. When the opportunity came for us to move back to Utah after only a year in Arkansas, I was almost sad to take it.

It took me a year to adjust, but I think if we were still in Arkansas I would be okay. I was able to get out there and meet new people, and I was surviving. But I am so much happier where we are now it's ridiculous. Luckily we only had to wait 1 year to not pay back moving expenses.

Good luck.

Kris - married to Nate since 12/06, mom to Toby since 1/08. Also servant to two felines. Done having babies for medical reasons.

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#17 of 45 Old 09-06-2008, 12:12 AM
 
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Sounds like you moved to where I grew up. I have lots of sympathy for you, not only b/c of that, but b/c I spent last year in a state I hated, before DH and I decided to cut our losses and move back to the pacific NW after 11 months.

How old is your son? I might just keep him at home, if I were you, since it sounds like you are worried about it and he is unhappy. Can you afford to do trips with him to visit friends/family out of state or have them visit you? That really helped me get through.

Look online to see if you can find any groups of like-minded people in your area, even if you have to drive to get to them.

Hang in there...I know it really sucks. (My other coping method was bourbon and late night tv, but I won't recommend it...)
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#18 of 45 Old 09-06-2008, 06:40 PM
 
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I lived in New England a couple of yrs and ABSOLUTELY detested it there. The people were not friendly, everyone cranky, etc. etc. Negative up the yin yang ick.

Well now we live in a place we absolutely love. I don't agree bloom where you are planted, that's a load of whooey if you are planted with nothing to fertilize your soul. You will wither.

If you are stuck there for awhile, try to connect with some people online or something like that, old friends, etc. Then dream of your new home! Research it. find out where you want to be. That really helped get me through the horribleness.

Good luck and warmest wishes. While it took me a yr or two to really sink in here. i love love love it!
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#19 of 45 Old 09-08-2008, 02:19 AM
 
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((()))

I lived in a place I grew to hate. At first, I let myself be grumpy about it and grieve what I was missing, etc. Then I tried things like looking ahead and planning a move that I knew would come eventually but didn't know exactly when.

But all that did was distract me from the present and it felt like I was living in some weird sort of limbo.

What helped me was, yes, the internet, but also the things I could tolerate about where I lived. Also friends. And making my home so comfy and cozy that I could create my own little sanctuary I focused on hobbies I could do at home and did crafts with my dd and read a lot.

What about playing tourist and finding SOMETHING you can enjoy about where you are living?

Or you could take pictures of the town and make a "hate" collage, if your sense of humor falls that way.
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#20 of 45 Old 09-08-2008, 02:24 AM
 
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Or you could take pictures of the town and make a "hate" collage, if your sense of humor falls that way.


I wish I'd thought of that way back when. That would have amused me to no end.

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#21 of 45 Old 09-08-2008, 09:47 AM
 
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It's tough. I know where I would like to live and instead of feeling negative about where we live now, I'm choosing to think positive and work on manifesting the ideal situation for us. But oh, how I've come to not like certain things about where we live. : At least I know what I simply cannot tolerate.
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#22 of 45 Old 09-08-2008, 04:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's tough. I know where I would like to live and instead of feeling negative about where we live now, I'm choosing to think positive and work on manifesting the ideal situation for us. But oh, how I've come to not like certain things about where we live. : At least I know what I simply cannot tolerate.

i'm working on positive thinking and manifesting, too. the positive about our living here is that it has really pushed me in the direction of spiritual growth.
i did check out the hayhouse radio. i think someone recommended that. very interesting talks!

has anyone been able to manifest a move/resources to move?
i'd love to hear some success stories!
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#23 of 45 Old 09-08-2008, 08:58 PM
 
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well, we did manifest a move from NYC to CA! Dh sent a resume' out, within a month the company in CA flew him out for interviews, and three months after that they moved us across country. I feel a little greedy and ungrateful for wanting another change-that was pretty huge. Hopefully that's not our only shot.

I do try to stay positive by taking actions-even if they're empty-I look for new houses in our area regularly-maybe if we have a home more compatible with our tastes and around people who are a little more compatible it will help. But even then I know we probably need to leave the area for me to be completely happy.
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#24 of 45 Old 09-08-2008, 10:37 PM
 
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At least I know what I simply cannot tolerate.
Ya know, we found out a lot of those our 11 months in CT, and while it was no fun, it has helped us know where we want to go and where we want to be and appreciate it so much more now.
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#25 of 45 Old 09-11-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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I live in a place I hate right now and my DH does also. We've lived here for 4 years now and can't take it anymore. For 35k, I'd wait out the two years.

We're letting our house go b/c we can't sell it for what we owe and we're heavily upside down in it. But at this point, we've decided that our happiness is more important than good credit or owning a house b/c we really don't care to purchase anything on credit and we want to save money to be able to buy some property and build a yurt so we can become debt free.
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#26 of 45 Old 09-11-2008, 03:16 PM
 
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I'm also living in a place that I'm not crazy about. We had been thinking about getting out around this point, but circumstances have changed and it looks like we'll be here at least another 5 years.

Things we do to enjoy where we are in life:
Remind ourselves that as long as we're together, we can be happy anywhere
Take small vacations to the outdoors
Take advantage of whatever local entertainment that IS offered
Try to find and connect with like-minded people (we have actually found a few)
Make our home really enjoyable to live in

Hope things get better for you. Have you looked in your local Tribe to see if anyone lives near you?

Mom to DD ('06) and DS ('08)
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#27 of 45 Old 09-11-2008, 06:28 PM
 
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I have lived where I hated it and for the most part I say get out when you can. I put up with what I hated for about 6 years and it was hard and made mothering that much harder, but i admit I found excuses to travel about 3 hours to where I had friends about every 2 months. On the other hand... that is alot of money and two years really isn't very long. I know it seems long, but travel and internet should make it better... I moved around alot with DH and I have usually been able to find a decent coffee shop or bookstore or both to spend time (but I admit there wasn't any such thing in the place I hated.)

If it is your things there are spiritual practices that can make dealing with unpleasant situations more bearable.

Good Luck
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#28 of 45 Old 09-12-2008, 12:53 PM
 
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http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080911/...ty_map_usa_dc?

I thought this was interesting. I'd like to see the entire study and hear what they have to say about the places I hated.

for intuitive readings click here :
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#29 of 45 Old 09-13-2008, 03:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
Internet!

I swear, the internet saved my life when I was trapped in Kansas.
LOL I moved here in 2002 and am still plotting my escape, when the kids graduate that is.

(hugs to the op) you aren't in KS are you? It can be so hard to adjust. It seems like everyone here is snobby and born here and knows everybody and thinks the exact same way...It's been tough but you have to search out like-minded ppl and activities that make it bearable to you. For me it's been at school and volunteer work that I really found some ppl I clicked with.

My dh had an awesome job and thought things were just peachy while my oldest dd and I struggled. In fact I still think she hasn't forgiven him for the move. I'm over it now but when it gets cold I think I have got to move somewhere warmer for my arthritis and asthma.

There are some good things about it. Try to focus on the things that work for your family.
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#30 of 45 Old 09-27-2008, 08:43 PM
 
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I grew up in a place I hated. I feel your pain. I believe that some people are just not compatible with some places, and one needs to find the spot that feels best to them. Myself, I feel most comfortable in a big city. If you're of a Wiccan/Pagan path, the Goddess Hestia has helped me find a home where I felt like I could really be "me".
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