Angry at someone for ff'ing - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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Personal Growth > Angry at someone for ff'ing
mchalehm's Avatar mchalehm 09:14 PM 09-23-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutie Patootie View Post
Why shouldn't she worry? Just because it's not our baby, we should not have any emotional feeling towards it. Babies are supposed to be breastfed. 200 years ago, it wasn't a choice. You breastfed your baby...someone else breastfed your baby or they died, unless you had a good goat out in the back. Which I am sure didn't happen that much. There is no "digging deeper" to it. Human milk is for human babies. Nature made it that way. It's not a feeling, it what's right and it's down right bothersome to me regardless of why a woman isn't bf'ing. It doesn't mean I judge those mothers, who in rare circumstances, sadly cannot breastfeed their baby, but my heart still hurts for the baby because he/she is not getting the great, awesome and never ending benefits of breast milk that is their right as a human.
I hate this. I really do. I agree with you that breastmilk is best for babies. But if I read one more time about how someone "doesn't judge" someone like me who cannot EBF, but how they feel sad for my baby, I think I might have to be sick. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything--you're responding to a thread that's about this subject, and that makes sense, but I hear this so much, unsolicited.

I'm sorry if this is offensive, but you are judging. It is true that breastfeeding is natural. And it's true that in nature those babies would die. Including my babies.

You might feel sad that a baby doesn't get breastmilk (or in my babies' cases, exclusively breastmilk). But harping on it the way that some do (and I'm not saying that you would do this in real life or if this topic had not been raised--just that I encounter this ALL THE TIME) is hurtful whether you're "blaming" me or not. I am sad enough not to be able to ebf without the whole world feeling sorry for my happy, healthy baby. And since you have no way of knowing what reason ANY woman might have for not bfing, it seems to me that your sad feeling about it could be channeled into something more productive (like offering to bring that mama a hot meal or get together for tea).

Whether or not you place blame on a mama who can't or doesn't nurse, this attitude, IMO, is judging.

Sprungthe2.50's Avatar Sprungthe2.50 10:08 PM 09-23-2008
My in law had to formula feed initially for her milk to get going, but really in defense of ff-ing, there could be a myriad of reasons, and also maybe they just feel that ff-ing is fine, yeah it's better to breast feed but not everyone is convinced of that, and frankly, I was formula fed because breast feeding failed, I wasn't putting on weight until I was moved to formula. I'm fine, and I don't consider my mom a bad mom for doing so. My in law mixes both.

Really, it's not abuse to not bf, if it can be done, I think it is much healthier, but for a mother who doesn't for whatever reason I don't think I have much right to judge, let alone be angry about it. There are so many things to be truly angry about, this is not one of them to get so upset about.

Now if she gets her stuff from cheap un-reliable places and gets it from the same poison you get in China, that's a bit irresponsible to say the least.

She may have reasons she's not sharing with you, and by judging her so much she may not be opening up to you because of it.

Is it really worth losing a friend over? It sounds like you are going to alienate her rather than bring her round to your point of view.
DevaMajka's Avatar DevaMajka 06:31 PM 09-24-2008
I am returning this thread.
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This is a good thread, so lets keep it civil so it can stay!
captain crunchy 07:43 PM 09-24-2008
I formula-fed by choice. I chose it after spending weeks trying to lactate, using pump after pump, meeting with lactation consultants, drinking every tea in the free world, eating oatmeal and whatever else they say to eat...and driving myself literally crazy. My daughter was STARVING...literally. I was starving my daughter because of my principles.

So yeah, I chose to formula feed because I was not going to go through more months of that sleep deprivation (not because she didn't sleep, because I was pumping all.the.time. to get not even half an ounce), depression, tears, anxiety, self-loathing -- watching my baby scream because she wasn't getting enough.

She turned into a different child when we started the formula and I turned into a different mother. I refuse to be guilted into feeling inadequate because I wasn't willing to sacrifice my very soul to breastfeed and that is what some mothers on here expect mamas to do.

Yes, breast is best for most mothers and babies, I do not question that. What is even better though in my firm and unapologetic opinion and experience -- is a sane, loving, nurturing, rested mama who isn't insane, guilty, depressed and hooked up to a pump 24 hours a day practically. What is "best" is a baby who is not starving because of her mother's principles and a subculture who she turns to for support but is instead, judgmental and sanctimonious. What is "best" is a nurturing, loving mama who is not detached and resentful, who is present and creates a feeding experience with her child that is warm, close, intimate, and memorable.

I have a lot of negative energy surrounding such judgments of mamas who formula feed. Yes, I encourage breastfeeding -- I support it... when we have another I will give it my all and seek out the same kinds of support etc.... but I absolutely refuse to turn into the person I was, who was.going.to.breastfeed.at.all.costs. at the sake of her own wellbeing and her child's health.

My child has never been sick a day in her life thankyouverymuch other than one or two very minor sniffles.

I find it so absurd (and hypocritical) that some mamas who think formula is the devil think nothing of taking their child to the doctor at 2 weeks of age and injecting them with what I consider to be absolute poison (vaccinations).

I think to judge someone so harshly based on something that really is none of your business is something that calls for self examination, not outward judgment. Just my opinion.
Cutie Patootie's Avatar Cutie Patootie 08:28 PM 09-24-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by mchalehm View Post
I hate this. I really do. I agree with you that breastmilk is best for babies. But if I read one more time about how someone "doesn't judge" someone like me who cannot EBF, but how they feel sad for my baby, I think I might have to be sick. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything--you're responding to a thread that's about this subject, and that makes sense, but I hear this so much, unsolicited.

I'm sorry if this is offensive, but you are judging. It is true that breastfeeding is natural. And it's true that in nature those babies would die. Including my babies.

You might feel sad that a baby doesn't get breastmilk (or in my babies' cases, exclusively breastmilk). But harping on it the way that some do (and I'm not saying that you would do this in real life or if this topic had not been raised--just that I encounter this ALL THE TIME) is hurtful whether you're "blaming" me or not. I am sad enough not to be able to ebf without the whole world feeling sorry for my happy, healthy baby. And since you have no way of knowing what reason ANY woman might have for not bfing, it seems to me that your sad feeling about it could be channeled into something more productive (like offering to bring that mama a hot meal or get together for tea).

Whether or not you place blame on a mama who can't or doesn't nurse, this attitude, IMO, is judging.
I'm sorry you feel judgment from my post. I disagree wholeheartedly though. I'm most definitely am not, and do not "harp" on the issue. It's not really my fault that you are encountering so many insensitive goobers.
It is not a judgment...it is life, and I posted this in response to something a pp posted about "why are you so worried about someone elses life", hence the quote above my post. I frankly do not walk around thinking, "poor poor baby, no breast milk for you", nor would I say this to anyone...unless instigated. I am however tired of the "to each his own" or "whatever is best for my family" thinking. I have love and regard for all children, whether they are mine or not.
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar MCatLvrMom2A&X 08:38 PM 09-24-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertandenith View Post
I understand your post so much!!! I get like that and I worried about THE BABY . I worry that the baby might get a lot infections, will probably suffer adjusting to formula that who knows he will develop some sort of allergy, I worry that probably the baby will be healthier if the mother at least try for few months to breastfeed him or leave her laziness because yes, that's what a good friend of mine told me, she was too lazy to breastfeed. : It's not about judging someone but worrying about the child's sake. I'm seeing my little cousin going through some major chemo treatments due to leukemia, and I always wonder if the mother would've breastfed him this would not be happening... I think of that friend's child who is suffering from many allergies, asthma and other illnesses, if she would've breastfed him at all, probably he would not be suffering from any of that... I know what you mean but we can only control our lives and that's so frustrating... at least you tried

I am sure you are not probably worrying about her life but the baby's, which is how I always feel...
There are studies that show children who are bfed have a much lower chance of having cancer so yeah I can definatly see wondering about that.
Sprungthe2.50's Avatar Sprungthe2.50 08:43 PM 09-24-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by karne View Post
I obviously don't know you or the woman you say is your friend, but this is a pretty remarkable statement. New mom's with major mental health issues requiring medication in order to be stable and parent have lots on their plates. Maybe the end goal is safe mom and safe baby? Probably no one is helped by judgement in that situation.

Again, I am not in her shoes, so I don't know. Just an observation.


Yeah, unless you have EVER dealt with mental health issues, it's really a horrible thing to judge. She is putting her mental health first so she can be a good mom, rather than runnning in an unstable mode, or yes, even being suicidal.

And you call that selfish? I know people that have had to make this painful decision, and believe me the mental anguish with out meds is agonizing in an of itself and you're saying she should just live with it so she can BF, and maybe make other mistake as a mom? I believe in BF-ing, but to put that over mental health and being a good mom in other, more important ways is the wrong decision, not a matter of being selfish.
ErikaG's Avatar ErikaG 09:31 PM 09-24-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by mchalehm View Post
I hate this. I really do. I agree with you that breastmilk is best for babies. But if I read one more time about how someone "doesn't judge" someone like me who cannot EBF, but how they feel sad for my baby, I think I might have to be sick. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything--you're responding to a thread that's about this subject, and that makes sense, but I hear this so much, unsolicited.

I'm sorry if this is offensive, but you are judging. It is true that breastfeeding is natural. And it's true that in nature those babies would die. Including my babies.

You might feel sad that a baby doesn't get breastmilk (or in my babies' cases, exclusively breastmilk). But harping on it the way that some do (and I'm not saying that you would do this in real life or if this topic had not been raised--just that I encounter this ALL THE TIME) is hurtful whether you're "blaming" me or not. I am sad enough not to be able to ebf without the whole world feeling sorry for my happy, healthy baby. And since you have no way of knowing what reason ANY woman might have for not bfing, it seems to me that your sad feeling about it could be channeled into something more productive (like offering to bring that mama a hot meal or get together for tea).

Whether or not you place blame on a mama who can't or doesn't nurse, this attitude, IMO, is judging.
Absolutely. I find, when reading posts that make the claim "I don't judge mother's who can't..." I get very upset. Because I know there are moms who judge my bottle feeding my daughter, but if they bothered to ask, they would find out that often what's in her bottle is donor milk, and the decision to use bottles wasn't made lightly. And knowing that judgment, is out there made me avoid Mom groups for the first four months of my daughter's life.

When there's a conflict between "feed with love and respect" and breastfeeding, one has to make a decision about which one takes priority. For me, it was "feed with love and respect"-I wanted to be able to develop a loving and trusting relationship with my daughter and when I was fighting with the SNS or feeling resentful about my inability to solely breastfeed her, I couldn't do that. Because that lifelong relationship with me will probably outweigh any of the differences between formula and breastfeeding.
pookel's Avatar pookel 09:38 PM 09-24-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErikaG View Post
Absolutely. I find, when reading posts that make the claim "I don't judge mother's who can't..." I get very upset.
... because it feels like what they really mean is "I don't judge mothers who have tried everything under the sun and were unable to pump at ALL and used an SNS for 6 months and went to every LLL meeting and IBCLC in the state and waited until their babies lost 2 pounds before even THINKING of supplementing with formula, and if you didn't do all that then you just DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH ...."

Yeah. I don't think mothers should be judging other mothers on how much hell they went through to try to do the best thing for their children. And sometimes the best thing is a sane mama who gets enough sleep and uses formula.
angie7's Avatar angie7 11:29 PM 09-24-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by pookel View Post
... because it feels like what they really mean is "I don't judge mothers who have tried everything under the sun and were unable to pump at ALL and used an SNS for 6 months and went to every LLL meeting and IBCLC in the state and waited until their babies lost 2 pounds before even THINKING of supplementing with formula, and if you didn't do all that then you just DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH ...."
:
mchalehm's Avatar mchalehm 01:53 AM 09-25-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy View Post
I formula-fed by choice. I chose it after spending weeks trying to lactate, using pump after pump, meeting with lactation consultants, drinking every tea in the free world, eating oatmeal and whatever else they say to eat...and driving myself literally crazy. My daughter was STARVING...literally. I was starving my daughter because of my principles.

So yeah, I chose to formula feed because I was not going to go through more months of that sleep deprivation (not because she didn't sleep, because I was pumping all.the.time. to get not even half an ounce), depression, tears, anxiety, self-loathing -- watching my baby scream because she wasn't getting enough.

She turned into a different child when we started the formula and I turned into a different mother. I refuse to be guilted into feeling inadequate because I wasn't willing to sacrifice my very soul to breastfeed and that is what some mothers on here expect mamas to do.

Yes, breast is best for most mothers and babies, I do not question that. What is even better though in my firm and unapologetic opinion and experience -- is a sane, loving, nurturing, rested mama who isn't insane, guilty, depressed and hooked up to a pump 24 hours a day practically. What is "best" is a baby who is not starving because of her mother's principles and a subculture who she turns to for support but is instead, judgmental and sanctimonious. What is "best" is a nurturing, loving mama who is not detached and resentful, who is present and creates a feeding experience with her child that is warm, close, intimate, and memorable.

I have a lot of negative energy surrounding such judgments of mamas who formula feed. Yes, I encourage breastfeeding -- I support it... when we have another I will give it my all and seek out the same kinds of support etc.... but I absolutely refuse to turn into the person I was, who was.going.to.breastfeed.at.all.costs. at the sake of her own wellbeing and her child's health.

My child has never been sick a day in her life thankyouverymuch other than one or two very minor sniffles.

I find it so absurd (and hypocritical) that some mamas who think formula is the devil think nothing of taking their child to the doctor at 2 weeks of age and injecting them with what I consider to be absolute poison (vaccinations).

I think to judge someone so harshly based on something that really is none of your business is something that calls for self examination, not outward judgment. Just my opinion.
Hugs to you. I've been there, done this, and I can tell you that I don't consider formula feeding in that situation to be "by choice."
Cherry Alive's Avatar Cherry Alive 03:05 AM 09-25-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by SachaMacina View Post
Yeah, unless you have EVER dealt with mental health issues, it's really a horrible thing to judge. .
And if you have mental health issues, it still isn't good to judge others—even ones with the same conditions as you.

Different people have different levels of mental illnesses and different needs. Some can be healed by a simple change in lifestyle. Some *need* certain meds. But the same thing doesn't work for everyone—otherwise so many people wouldn't struggle to find a "cure" their entire lives. Our minds and body chemistry are all so different from one another.

I have anxiety and OCD. When I was in college, for about two years, I was on Paxil, because I went through a very difficult situation (long story). The stuff didn't do diddly squat for the OCD, but it worked great for the anxiety for maybe the first 8-10 months. After that, it turned me into a mentally numb zombie and really messed up my head. I actually *lost* the ability to remember phone numbers! Near the end, I quit cold turkey (yeah, dumb move) because the stuff gave me a seizure while driving down a highway, and my stupid psychiatrist didn't listen to me when I'd tell him this (he just kept upping the dosage).

Over the years after that, I discovered meds don't really help my anxiety and OCD as much as getting my butt out and exercising regularly—as well as working on conditioning techniques. Occasional counseling helped me too.

Does that mean Paxil is a crappy drug? For me it was, but for some people it's a blessing. Not everyone has the kind of reactions to it that I did.

And while it turns out getting exercise helps me more than the Paxil, I'd never advocate that someone would throw their drugs out based on my experience—even those who have anxiety disorder like me.

We all have very different bodies, minds, and life experiences that give us different sets of needs when it comes to treating our mental health. This is why it's not cool to judge others for needing certain meds—even if you have "been there."
robertandenith's Avatar robertandenith 05:02 AM 09-25-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by segata View Post
How do you keep from getting upset when someone chooses to not bf for no reason?I tried to encourage her multiple times,she had her baby a few days ago,saw a pic of 'first time feeding...' and it was from a bottle.My little guy had to have a bottle for his first too but that was because he was hungry,he was in the nursery and they had him on oxygen.I pumped colostrum to take to him and when he was doing better,we started trying to learn how to latch.When I tried encouraging her,some things she said was 'well,I have to go back to work in x weeks..' 'pumping takes up so much time...'

I understand that some women want to bf and can't for whatever reason,that's not what I'm angry about
guys don't forget the OP is actually saying that she is not angry at those who CAN'T breastfeed. The girl (she mentioned) it is just not interested in bfing at all..
bmcneal's Avatar bmcneal 01:20 PM 09-25-2008
I don't get angry, but it hurts my heart, when a mom formula feeds when she *could* breastfeed. (I wouldn't assume she could, just if she said something like "Oh, I just don't want to.") I tried to nurse DD for months, but she couldn't latch on and no one would help me because my milk wasn't coming in strong enough, but my milk wasn't coming in well because I wasn't nursing, etc. I tried getting help, and did everything the LC *would* tell me, and DD ended up losing almost a pound because she couldn't nurse When the ped first told me she had lost too much weight, and I had to give her formula, I couldn't give her the bottle, DH had to, I felt like I had failed her.

So when I see/know someone who *chooses* not to nurse, I just pray that they feel it was the right decision and they don't have any regrets. (I know formula is bad, and I know breastfeeding is best, and I do my best to inform people of that, but if their mind is made up and they are dead set on doing something, there's not much I can do.) So as long as they feel confident in their decisions, I don't feel there is much I can do, say a little prayer for them, and let it go.
mamameg's Avatar mamameg 01:22 PM 09-25-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertandenith View Post
guys don't forget the OP is actually saying that she is not angry at those who CAN'T breastfeed. The girl (she mentioned) it is just not interested in bfing at all..
But the end result is the same. It's not our choice to make for others, and if we want to be friends with people who make different choices than we do, we have to learn to let go.

AND it's important to consider that some women have very personal reasons (sexual abuse, medical issues, etc) that they may not feel comfortable sharing and they over simplify by saying, "oh well, I have to go back to work anyway." They do this because it's not really any one's business why they are making that choice, and I support their right to not have to justify their choices to the world.
kmeyrick's Avatar kmeyrick 12:13 AM 09-26-2008
Haven't read all the posts, but I wish BF vs. FF didn't turn into a woman against woman thing. Another way to put women down. If this woman needs meds, she needs meds, and she doesn't need people she considers friends or loved ones making her feel like crap about using formula.
Georgetown HB Mom's Avatar Georgetown HB Mom 01:17 AM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by MilkTrance View Post
I can't speak for the OP but for myself, I care because I love my baby soooo much I just cannot imagine making the decision not to BF.

Also I was a very sickly child and I am doing my best to avoid that for my child.

Is that "deep enough" within myself?
I would like to address this issue. My BS degree is in Respiratory Therapy. I worked for several years in the NICU. I had my first child in the hospital. I did not like the way it went and thought things could be better. I had my second child three years ago at home attended by a very respectful and wonderful midwife. It was the most beautiful day of my life. I am now a senior midwife student. I chose to formula feed both of my children. I chose this route not because I was sexually abused as a child, not becaue I have any mental problems, not because I am taking medication that would hurt my child, I chose this route because that is what I know is best for me. I know that breastmilk is "best." And as a midwife I encourage mom's to breastfeed that want to and I will help them if they have problems. I do not push my opinions or what I choose to do off on other mothers, nor do I discuss what I do in my own life with clients. My girls are now 12 and 3. They are both extremely healthy. Neither one of them has ever had an ear infection. They never got sick as babies. My oldest is so smart, she is in all of the top classes in school and Duke University has invited her to take the SAT in January. She is in the top 1% of her class. My three year old started climbing up our stairs at five months old, started cruising furniture at 6 months old and walked at 7 months old. I am very well bonded with both of my children. I love my children as much as any other mother and the way I choose to feed them has nothing to do with my love for them and I take offense to anyone who would ever think that. Every time my baby needed to be fed, I fed them, held them and loved them. Mother's that choose to formula feed are not stupid, they are not lazy, they do not love their children any less. As mothers and as women we need to support each other, not judge each other. I do not get angry at mothers for making the choices they make. I only want them to know the facts and then they can make the best choice for themself and their family. I am very educated and I know the facts and I made the best choice for myself and my family and no one should be angry at me for that. There are lots of things I do not agree with and if a mom choses something I do not agree with that is ok. I do not get mad at her. I think it is wasted energy for someone to get mad at a mom for formula feeding. If you want to get mad at another mom get mad at the mothers who throw their baby's away, mother's who beat their children, mother's who are mean to their children. No one should get mad at another mom simply because of the way she chooses to feed her baby.

Lisa
Georgetown HB Mom's Avatar Georgetown HB Mom 01:23 AM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifer_lc1 View Post
maybe we should not judge each other as mothers until we do something wrong? either way, we love our babies the same, and the baby gets fed. its really annoying when we judge each other so stingingly over this. yes, i breastfeed. i also have the luxury of being a sahm and can nurse on demand. most moms dont get that.. and pumping is not an easy thing. lay off and keep your opinions to yourselves because it really isn't just in saying youre angry at a mom for feeding her baby a different meal than you feed yours.

and also, i know a few kids that were EBF for 2+ yrs, still had earaches, colds, and run of the mill normal kid things happen, so saying that the kid is always less ill is not true.. and i can say for myself that the losing weight faster thing isn't true either!

i support happy babies and happy mamas, and whether comes by way of breast or bottle, i don't care

Thank you.

Lisa
Georgetown HB Mom's Avatar Georgetown HB Mom 01:30 AM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy View Post
What is "best" is a nurturing, loving mama who is not detached and resentful, who is present and creates a feeding experience with her child that is warm, close, intimate, and memorable.

.

FondestBianca's Avatar FondestBianca 03:19 AM 09-26-2008
I think we all have little things like this that set us off. Even though we probably know our anger or frustration doesn't do the situation ANY good and may actually make things worse we can't help but feel a bit annoyed.

for me it's especially people with small children who smoke. they have plenty of excuses: i dont' smoke in the house, i change clothes before I interact with my kids, it's only a couple, i don't smoke around my kids, i only smoke at work. but all I hear is, "blah, blah, blah, my petty fix is more important than the health of my kids or the security that i will be healthy and always there for them."

I know it's harsh, I know its intrusive, I know I do things others might not agree with either but, still, it bugs the bajesus outta me! we all have to refocus our intentions a bit and keep ourselves in check so IF we do decide to come to someone about our concerns it is presented in a way that will be well recieved and stand a better chance of creating positive, informed, decisions that truely will be benificial to the person we're addressing NOT just to make ourselves feel better, vindicated, or "right".

It's a fine line... that I smear all over and roll around on quite frequently.
Imogen's Avatar Imogen 04:07 AM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post
[/B] Every time my baby needed to be fed, I fed them, held them and loved them. Mother's that choose to formula feed are not stupid, they are not lazy, they do not love their children any less. As mothers and as women we need to support each other, not judge each other. I do not get angry at mothers for making the choices they make. I only want them to know the facts and then they can make the best choice for themself and their family. I am very educated and I know the facts and I made the best choice for myself and my family and no one should be angry at me for that. There are lots of things I do not agree with and if a mom choses something I do not agree with that is ok. I do not get mad at her. I think it is wasted energy for someone to get mad at a mom for formula feeding. If you want to get mad at another mom get mad at the mothers who throw their baby's away, mother's who beat their children, mother's who are mean to their children. No one should get mad at another mom simply because of the way she chooses to feed her baby.

Lisa
:
Viola's Avatar Viola 04:48 AM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by segata View Post
How do you keep from getting upset when someone chooses to not bf for no reason?
I think it's brave of you to admit it's a problem and something you want to fix, because I know this is one of those things that will offend people and cause negative attention to come your way.

I never felt like I was openly judgmental about women not breastfeeding, but I did go through a point in my life where it was such a big part of my life, it was kind of hard to realize some people just don't put the same value on it as I did, in the cases where that was evident. But there are so many things I do or don't do for my children where I am open to criticism, that it's easy for me to think different strokes for different folks. I'm interested in helping women who want to breastfeed be able to, I'm interested in promoting breastfeeding as the cultural norm so that more women will choose it. I'm not interested in forcing it on anyone.

The thing I encountered often was people telling me point blank why they didn't want to breastfeed or why they thought formula was better or why they couldn't breastfeed, and I felt like it was easier just to get off the subject quickly. If it's not my business why a woman doesn't raise her children the way I do, and I don't think I have to condone an idea anymore than I have to condemn it. I did have a relative tell me that she couldn't breastfeed because her daughter was a little piggy and wanted to nurse more than every 2 hours. It did clinch me up just a bit, because it's misinformation about breastfeeding, and because I always have this feeling like they are telling me this for a reason and I don't know what it is exactly. So I try and quickly correct the misinformation and then change the subject.
MPJJJ's Avatar MPJJJ 04:31 PM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommyJoia View Post
I don't exactly hang out with her, I've invited her into my mommy group but quite frankly she's a little racist against non-hispanics. the angry faces are over the fact that twice, her kids now share birthdays with my kids. At first I thought it would be cool, maybe we could share birthday parties or something, but she said that would be "ghetto"... it just stole my kids' thunder, ya know?

She induced, by her own choice, both times so you can't say "you can't blame nature" because nature had nothing to do with it. She was induced and gave birth on my kids' birthdays by her own choice. her DS was 1 week early and hr DD was 2 weeks early, but both on my kids' birthdays.
Are you serious? "Stole your kids' thunder"? Do that own that day or something???
MamaWindmill's Avatar MamaWindmill 05:41 PM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post
I would like to address this issue. My BS degree is in Respiratory Therapy. I worked for several years in the NICU. I had my first child in the hospital. I did not like the way it went and thought things could be better. I had my second child three years ago at home attended by a very respectful and wonderful midwife. It was the most beautiful day of my life. I am now a senior midwife student. I chose to formula feed both of my children. I chose this route not because I was sexually abused as a child, not becaue I have any mental problems, not because I am taking medication that would hurt my child, I chose this route because that is what I know is best for me. I know that breastmilk is "best." And as a midwife I encourage mom's to breastfeed that want to and I will help them if they have problems. I do not push my opinions or what I choose to do off on other mothers, nor do I discuss what I do in my own life with clients. My girls are now 12 and 3. They are both extremely healthy. Neither one of them has ever had an ear infection. They never got sick as babies. My oldest is so smart, she is in all of the top classes in school and Duke University has invited her to take the SAT in January. She is in the top 1% of her class. My three year old started climbing up our stairs at five months old, started cruising furniture at 6 months old and walked at 7 months old. I am very well bonded with both of my children. I love my children as much as any other mother and the way I choose to feed them has nothing to do with my love for them and I take offense to anyone who would ever think that. Every time my baby needed to be fed, I fed them, held them and loved them. Mother's that choose to formula feed are not stupid, they are not lazy, they do not love their children any less. As mothers and as women we need to support each other, not judge each other. I do not get angry at mothers for making the choices they make. I only want them to know the facts and then they can make the best choice for themself and their family. I am very educated and I know the facts and I made the best choice for myself and my family and no one should be angry at me for that. There are lots of things I do not agree with and if a mom choses something I do not agree with that is ok. I do not get mad at her. I think it is wasted energy for someone to get mad at a mom for formula feeding. If you want to get mad at another mom get mad at the mothers who throw their baby's away, mother's who beat their children, mother's who are mean to their children. No one should get mad at another mom simply because of the way she chooses to feed her baby.

Lisa


Great post, Lisa.
TCMoulton's Avatar TCMoulton 08:22 PM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post
And you know what? There's far worse parenting choices someone can make than choosing to FF their babies. There are lots of horrible things that happen to babies and little children that deserve my anger and judgement way more than good friends/family who simply make non-NFL choices.

On the other end, I've met people who FF'd who did a spectacular job at raising their kids. While I firmly believe BFing (even extended BFing) is the healthiest nutritional choice for a baby, there's so much more to being a good parent.

Exactly! My take is her body, her life, I cannot ever understand what another woman's life is like unless I walk a day in her shoes. I would never judge a mom for FF as I have no way to know what brought her to decide that formula is what was best for her situation. There is much much more to being a good parent than the method in which you chose to feed your child. Not for one second do I think that my mom loved me any less than I love my daughter because I was fed formula and my DD received breastmilk.
claddaghmom's Avatar claddaghmom 11:08 PM 09-26-2008
This is one of those situations where we stop for a moment from our daily grind, our daily effort to make things better for ourselves, or our partners, or our kids, and we see some other person lying in the sun so to speak and get angry.

This reminds me of when I was planning a 500+ guest list for my wedding, pulling together two huge families, battling full time work, part time work and full time school, and my best friend called me one night around 1AM (as I was hand making favors b/c I was paying for the whole thing alone) to tell me that she moved in with her boyfriend and her parents are paying for the appartment and can I come over for the housewarming party?


It's like you work your little tail off because you are trying to do something good and you see another person waltz through life.

I know, there's no good reason for this to make a person angry. But it makes me angry. Such as the way I spent hours reading and researching, traveling across the state to meet midwives or natural-friendly OBs, settling on a high-responsibility U/C, etc. Then I hear a coworker say something like "My dr. scheduled the c-section on X so it doesn't interfere with our holiday plans. He's the greatest dr. ever! He said 3 weeks early isn't early anymore with the technology we have."


Are there people who can't make certain choices in life? Sure. Lots of people have limited choices. Lots of people experience situations where they have to choose what's in front of them. But what about the ones who don't?
LotusBirthMama's Avatar LotusBirthMama 11:35 PM 09-26-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmcneal View Post
So when I see/know someone who *chooses* not to nurse, I just pray that they feel it was the right decision and they don't have any regrets. (I know formula is bad, and I know breastfeeding is best

Formula is NOT bad....attaching such negativity to it won't help anyone...
Stinkerbell's Avatar Stinkerbell 12:35 AM 09-27-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by turtlewomyn View Post
I don't know, the same way I keep from being angry when random people judge my parenting decisions. I guess you just have to pick your battles and decide what is worth wasting your anger on. I think I would rather spend my time helping a new mom who is excited and interested in breastfeeding than sit there stewing about a mom who chose not to.
word. And big applause to GeorgetownHBMom. I happen to be a BF advocate and loved every second of it with all 3 of my children. But not for one minute have I wasted worry on mothers who choose otherwise. In a phrase: None of my business.

That said, no one is debating that it's HARD, as a mom, to see parents making choices that we see as less than ideal. But unless it falls into the category of abuse or neglect we will serve NO GOOD PURPOSE to give in to feelings of superiority or pity.

OP, I try to focus on the fact that this child has a loving mom who is doing what she thinks is right for the baby. Even if it isn't what I would chose. That's more than some kids have.
H & J's Mom's Avatar H & J's Mom 12:11 PM 09-27-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertandenith View Post
I think what it really bother us is when you actually spend time educating someone about the benefits of breastfeeding and thinking you have actually succeeded but when the time comes, they just decide not to breastfeed at all for one reason or another, but NOT medical.
I find this attitude so frustrating. I've tried to educate her but ...

Different choices do not mean uneducated choices.
partymoo's Avatar partymoo 12:33 PM 09-27-2008
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