Angry at someone for ff'ing - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-19-2008, 11:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How do you keep from getting upset when someone chooses to not bf for no reason?I tried to encourage her multiple times,she had her baby a few days ago,saw a pic of 'first time feeding...' and it was from a bottle.My little guy had to have a bottle for his first too but that was because he was hungry,he was in the nursery and they had him on oxygen.I pumped colostrum to take to him and when he was doing better,we started trying to learn how to latch.When I tried encouraging her,some things she said was 'well,I have to go back to work in x weeks..' 'pumping takes up so much time...'

I understand that some women want to bf and can't for whatever reason,that's not what I'm angry about
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Old 09-19-2008, 11:40 PM
 
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I don't know, the same way I keep from being angry when random people judge my parenting decisions. I guess you just have to pick your battles and decide what is worth wasting your anger on. I think I would rather spend my time helping a new mom who is excited and interested in breastfeeding than sit there stewing about a mom who chose not to.
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Old 09-19-2008, 11:42 PM
 
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I feel ya... It's really hard to not get mad at the women who chose for frivolous, self-based reasons to formula feed. It's like they are just throwing away their babys best chances for optimal health. : I know many women in my area who have chosen formula for non medically necessary reasons (You know, "I don't want saggy boobs" etc). Every woman I know irl has formula fed her baby at some point in time but I can't be certain it was for frivolous reasons...

Basically, just chalk it up to ignorance and move on. Encourage your friend to breastfeed at least part time, make sure she is aware of the benefits of nursing (for example, if she's motivated by what she will benefit from, not necessarily her baby, emphasize how nursing helps women lose weight etc) and then move on. Theres nothing we can really do and while it's unfortunate for the babies, it is ultimately up to the moms to make that decision... but yea, it does get me pretty pissed sometimes...
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Old 09-19-2008, 11:44 PM
 
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I have a hard time with this too. I do get angry and judgmental toward the person or people who just choose not breastfeed. However, I do not let them know. I offer what advice I have, try to convince them, bite my tongue and then vent to other Breastfeeding friendly mommas. Maybe its not the most mature way of dealing with it but its what I do.

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Old 09-20-2008, 12:06 AM
 
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I remind myself that as parents, we're all trying to make the decisions that are best for our families and that someone else's "best" isn't necessarily the same as mine. I remind myself that I shouldn't be judging others parenting choices because I don't like it when mine are criticized. I remind myself this is an opportunity to teach my daughter about respecting the choices of others even when they're different from ours and when we may not think they're the best choice. And I remind myself of how painful it is to feel like I'm being judged by people who I care about, and whose opinions matter when my daughter takes a bottle instead of nursing-I'm a low supply/IGT Mom.
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Old 09-20-2008, 12:13 AM
 
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I remind myself that as parents, we're all trying to make the decisions that are best for our families and that someone else's "best" isn't necessarily the same as mine. I remind myself that I shouldn't be judging others parenting choices because I don't like it when mine are criticized. I remind myself this is an opportunity to teach my daughter about respecting the choices of others even when they're different from ours and when we may not think they're the best choice. And I remind myself of how painful it is to feel like I'm being judged by people who I care about, and whose opinions matter when my daughter takes a bottle instead of nursing-I'm a low supply/IGT Mom.
I agree with this completely. (I am also a low-supply mom and I have felt that sting many times--and I have felt judged from both sides, for spending too much time pumping instead of playing with my daughter and for using formula at all.) It is not a good choice, IMO, but it is her choice, not mine, and unless my opinion is asked, I try to be supportive and informative, and then to respect her choice.
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Old 09-20-2008, 12:34 AM
 
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Keep in mind that she may have reasons she's just not telling you. I've known women (who I was working with in therapy) to tell even their closest friends they just didn't want to bf, when in reality they had entirely different reasons.

Even if that is not the case, she's probably doing what she believes is best. It can be frustrating, but ultimately we need to support each other, provide information, and then accept others' decisions.
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Old 09-20-2008, 12:42 AM
 
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She gave you her "whatever reason" and you still judged her for it. Not everyone has a job that accommodates pumping sufficiently to maintain supply. Maybe she'd rather not have to feel sad for giving up on nursing after such a short time and rather wanted to enjoy the baby.

Maybe drop the anger on this issue and support her in the other ways she is nourishing her developing relationship with this new little person.

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Old 09-20-2008, 01:13 AM
 
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maybe we should not judge each other as mothers until we do something wrong? either way, we love our babies the same, and the baby gets fed. its really annoying when we judge each other so stingingly over this. yes, i breastfeed. i also have the luxury of being a sahm and can nurse on demand. most moms dont get that.. and pumping is not an easy thing. lay off and keep your opinions to yourselves because it really isn't just in saying youre angry at a mom for feeding her baby a different meal than you feed yours.

and also, i know a few kids that were EBF for 2+ yrs, still had earaches, colds, and run of the mill normal kid things happen, so saying that the kid is always less ill is not true.. and i can say for myself that the losing weight faster thing isn't true either!

i support happy babies and happy mamas, and whether comes by way of breast or bottle, i don't care
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Old 09-20-2008, 01:20 AM
 
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How do you keep from getting upset when someone chooses to not bf for no reason?
It's just like anything else in life - you have to let go of your expectations of other people. It is no one's job to live up to your expectations of them. Everyone makes their own choices and while we may not always agree with them, we have to, at some point, detach enough to give people room to live their own lives.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that her choices are not about you and your choices. You may not agree with them, and that's okay. But if you still want to be friends with this person, you are going to have to find a way to let go of the anger. It's not easy. I've been angry about things that others do. But relationships are not about other people pleasing me. They are about sharing what we have in common and appreciating the differences between us. My life is much richer when I am able to do that.
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Old 09-20-2008, 01:25 AM
 
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I remind myself that people do what they can with what they have at the time. And also that there's no way for me to know what really lies in people's hearts and minds.
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Old 09-20-2008, 01:27 AM
 
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How do you keep from getting upset when someone chooses to not bf for no reason?I tried to encourage her multiple times,she had her baby a few days ago,saw a pic of 'first time feeding...' and it was from a bottle.My little guy had to have a bottle for his first too but that was because he was hungry,he was in the nursery and they had him on oxygen.I pumped colostrum to take to him and when he was doing better,we started trying to learn how to latch.When I tried encouraging her,some things she said was 'well,I have to go back to work in x weeks..' 'pumping takes up so much time...'

I understand that some women want to bf and can't for whatever reason,that's not what I'm angry about
Why are you so "worried" about "her life".

Maybe your need to dig deeper within "yourself" as to "why this bothers you"
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Old 09-20-2008, 02:47 AM
 
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I understand your post so much!!! I get like that and I worried about THE BABY . I worry that the baby might get a lot infections, will probably suffer adjusting to formula that who knows he will develop some sort of allergy, I worry that probably the baby will be healthier if the mother at least try for few months to breastfeed him or leave her laziness because yes, that's what a good friend of mine told me, she was too lazy to breastfeed. : It's not about judging someone but worrying about the child's sake. I'm seeing my little cousin going through some major chemo treatments due to leukemia, and I always wonder if the mother would've breastfed him this would not be happening... I think of that friend's child who is suffering from many allergies, asthma and other illnesses, if she would've breastfed him at all, probably he would not be suffering from any of that... I know what you mean but we can only control our lives and that's so frustrating... at least you tried

I am sure you are not probably worrying about her life but the baby's, which is how I always feel...

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Old 09-20-2008, 02:51 AM
 
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It's just like anything else in life - you have to let go of your expectations of other people. It is no one's job to live up to your expectations of them. Everyone makes their own choices and while we may not always agree with them, we have to, at some point, detach enough to give people room to live their own lives.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that her choices are not about you and your choices. You may not agree with them, and that's okay. But if you still want to be friends with this person, you are going to have to find a way to let go of the anger. It's not easy. I've been angry about things that others do. But relationships are not about other people pleasing me. They are about sharing what we have in common and appreciating the differences between us. My life is much richer when I am able to do that.
Well said

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Old 09-20-2008, 03:23 AM
 
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and also, i know a few kids that were EBF for 2+ yrs, still had earaches, colds, and run of the mill normal kid things happen, so saying that the kid is always less ill is not true..
I was nursed until I was 4 (though not EBF), and I was very sickly and still am. And all I can think is *how much WORSE would it have been if I hadn't been nursed or nursed for so long*. I get frightened when I think about that.



OP, I have a friend who is wonderful in many ways, but for her, surgical birth is normal and formula is normal. Those are what she had, and those are what she has *always* planned for her babies (and is what her 10 month old has experienced).

But I can't bring myself to judge her for it, and keep myself to just feeling sad for the baby.

Why can't I judge her? Because she was one of two IRL people who saved my life after having an unexpected, unneeded, coerced and forced c-section. She always listened to me, heard me, helped me, empathized with me. She somehow understood how awful horrible sickened I felt, even though it was the normal way of having a baby in her opinion (and family). She saved me. And she *never* said anything about my nursing, even when I was her bridesmaid when DS was 9 weeks old, and I had to bring hubby and son to the church with me, and was called away every hour or so to nurse DS. She wanted us there at noon, the wedding was at 6. I did what I had to do, even when she insisted we get dressed in our gowns HOURS before the wedding, so I had to strip to the waist to feed DS. She let everyone know that the "quiet room" overlooking the main church room was "mine" before the festivities started, so I could feel comfy and safe nursing my boy. Even though it was one of the most foreign things she could think of.

So I understand the "why why why" feelings, especially b/c this friend had breast reduction surgery, her surgeon told her afterwards that he spent extra time being extra careful so that someday she could nurse a child, and she told him that he shouldn't have bothered.

And just this week we had to wonder if she possibly thinks "if only I had nursed" since they were in the hurricane, and despite having everything else they needed, she and her SIL had to run out (they are in Houston, not the coast) for formula (and diapers). All we could think was "why did they prepare with enough food for the friends and relatives hunkering down at her house, but not enough formula for her girl???"

But I still can't truly judge her, mainly b/c she never judged me.


Since she's the only person where I know the full story, she's the main one I think of.

OH, and she has *major* food issues and when she has a food problem it sparks a huge anxiety attack, so she has to keep various drugs for her problems, and I can't help but wonder why she didn't see the connection, but she didn't and doesn't seem interested in thinking about it, so oh well.
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Old 09-20-2008, 05:41 AM
 
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I'm seeing my little cousin going through some major chemo treatments due to leukemia, and I always wonder if the mother would've breastfed him this would not be happening...

I hope you never express that thought to the mother. It's extremely unfounded, first of all, and secondly very insensitive. So everyone who has had an illness should've been breastfed and they would've not gotten sick? What about all the people that have gotten illness and were breastfed?

And it's crappy to say it's because some moms are lazy.. that may be the case w/ your friend but I know a lot of moms where laziness certainly is not the reason(s).

Again, we shouldn't judge another mother unless they do something to *hurt* the child. What happened to sticking up for each other?

Gah.
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Old 09-20-2008, 10:06 AM
 
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I understand your post so much!!! I get like that and I worried about THE BABY .
Me too. I feel sad that babies are exposed to the risks of formula when it may have been preventable.

Me, I get angry at the healthcare system. There are few doctors who will explain the risks of formula feeding to a pregnant mother. How can a mother make an informed decision if she doesn't have all the information?

And then the birthing process these days often sabotages a breastfeeding relationship - babies are not placed skin to skin after birth, or are whisked to the nursery. Many mothers struggle with breastfeeding and don't receive the support they need.

And how many times have we read here on MDC that a doctor told a mom to wean or to pump and dump and 'just feed formula' so that she could take a medication, instead of finding out if it was compatible with breastfeeding?

OP, I understand your feelings. I know that every mother does what she thinks is best for her child at that time. I get angry when the medical community and society have not let her make a fully informed decision.
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Old 09-20-2008, 11:45 AM
 
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I hope you never express that thought to the mother. It's extremely unfounded, first of all, and secondly very insensitive. So everyone who has had an illness should've been breastfed and they would've not gotten sick? What about all the people that have gotten illness and were breastfed?

And it's crappy to say it's because some moms are lazy.. that may be the case w/ your friend but I know a lot of moms where laziness certainly is not the reason(s).

Again, we shouldn't judge another mother unless they do something to *hurt* the child. What happened to sticking up for each other?

Gah.
I would never do that because they are my thoughts, she is not judging anyone but worried. I am worried about my friends kids, like I worry about my mom eating too many processed foods or too much sugar while she is sick and it is certainly doing damage to her body. The same worry. But I can only control my life and have everyone's experience as a learning experience for my own family. I just wonder things like I said, how can I express my thoughts to the mother - like you said = that would be very insensitive...

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I'm seeing my little cousin going through some major chemo treatments due to leukemia, and I always wonder if the mother would've breastfed him this would not be happening... I think of that friend's child who is suffering from many allergies, asthma and other illnesses, if she would've breastfed him at all, probably he would not be suffering from any of that...

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Old 09-20-2008, 11:52 AM
 
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Me, I get angry at the healthcare system. There are few doctors who will explain the risks of formula feeding to a pregnant mother. How can a mother make an informed decision if she doesn't have all the information?
that's the same angry I have! : Why on earth, Breast Cancer societies never mention that probably by breastfeeding you can reduce the chances of getting breast cancer? If they are doing so many studies, why don't they do it on breastfeeding and Breast Cancer prevention? Same with Leukemia and other illnesses? okay... going OT here and hijacking the post! sorry

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Old 09-20-2008, 11:59 AM
 
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I don't want to offend anyone but remember that surgical birth or formula might be normal but not natural, since we are in a natural mothering website I just wanted to point that out... (gently )

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Old 09-20-2008, 01:14 PM
 
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I don't want to offend anyone but remember that surgical birth or formula might be normal but not natural, since we are in a natural mothering website I just wanted to point that out... (gently )
I'm pretty sure we are all aware of that. Let's also remember that this thread is about dealing with the anger we sometimes feel about other people's choices, regardless of where those choices fall on the scale of normal or natural. Feeling strongly about breastfeeding is great. Alienating friends and loved ones due to anger about ff'ing... not so great.
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Old 09-20-2008, 05:04 PM
 
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I remind myself that as parents, we're all trying to make the decisions that are best for our families and that someone else's "best" isn't necessarily the same as mine. I remind myself that I shouldn't be judging others parenting choices because I don't like it when mine are criticized. I remind myself this is an opportunity to teach my daughter about respecting the choices of others even when they're different from ours and when we may not think they're the best choice. And I remind myself of how painful it is to feel like I'm being judged by people who I care about, and whose opinions matter when my daughter takes a bottle instead of nursing-I'm a low supply/IGT Mom.
Another "Here! Here!" to this! And I don't think it even has to be medical issues like IGT... Isn't the statistic that 1 out of 3 women have been sexually abused at some point in their lives? And this affects many women's feelings about all aspects of physicality and intimacy, including nursing. Then too, nursing does or doesn't happen in a social context - in other words, women need and often don't get support - it's not just an individual decision. If even one piece of my support system had been missing, I don't know if I would have nursed beyond a month or two...

I'm just saying that I don't know, nor do I have the right to ask and judge, the potentially intimate and complex reasons some women may choose not to breastfeed.

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Old 09-20-2008, 05:38 PM
 
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Old 09-20-2008, 05:56 PM
 
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OP, I know exactly where you're coming from, but honestly, you have to let it go... When I have friends that are PG, I give them tons of info on breastfeeding the promom's 101 reasons to breastfeed, I tell them how important it is to seek out support, I give them my cell # (if they don't already have it) and tell them they can call me 24/7 for help or advice. Once the baby is born, I offer to help, If they tell me they are FF, I back off. I don't lecture or anything like that, I just say, "OK" and leave it alone. That's all you can do. just let it go. It may break your heart, but it's not your kid. Your friend knows how you feel about breastfeeding and it's just not that important to them.
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Old 09-20-2008, 07:38 PM
 
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<a href="http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmVob3cuY29tL2hvd180NTEzMjM3X3doZX RoZXItYnJlYXN0ZmVlZC1ib3R0bGVmZWVkLW5ldy1iYWJ5Lmh0 bWw=">How to Decide Whether To Breastfeed Or Bottlefeed Your New Baby</a>

let her read that and then make her choice. if she cares for her child she should be informed. about this or any other choice she makes

hth.
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Old 09-20-2008, 08:47 PM
 
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It can be hard, but you just have to let it go. I understand when we want to help so much, but they are not interested. You just have to remember that we never know really what someone else is going through.

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Old 09-20-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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I'm going to move this to personal growth, since it's less about breastfeeding and more about dealing with our feelings when people make decisions we don't necessarily agree with.

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Old 09-21-2008, 04:54 AM
 
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I'm seeing my little cousin going through some major chemo treatments due to leukemia, and I always wonder if the mother would've breastfed him this would not be happening... I think of that friend's child who is suffering from many allergies, asthma and other illnesses, if she would've breastfed him at all, probably he would not be suffering from any of that...
:

wow.

Breastfeeding is wonderful. The "perfect" and natural way to feed our children, certainly it has many many many health benefits, but it's surely not a cure-all for diseases such as cancer etc.

I found this statement kind of... I don't know what...but I'm very glad you didn't say it to the Mother.
I kind of got angry/hurt by it reading it myself (and I DO breastfeed!)
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Old 09-21-2008, 05:03 AM
 
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I always assume someone who "just doesn't want to" breasstfeed is a sexual abuse survivor, and it's not my place to criticize her decision. I'm sure many ff'ing moms are not, but plenty of them are, so I just go with that and it helps me remember not to judge.
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Old 09-21-2008, 07:21 AM
 
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The thing about FFing is it's a very personal choice. Women can struggle with it for a large variety of reasons—a few of which are reasons that they can't tell others about (ex- being sexually abused).

And you know what? There's far worse parenting choices someone can make than choosing to FF their babies. There are lots of horrible things that happen to babies and little children that deserve my anger and judgement way more than good friends/family who simply make non-NFL choices.

On the other end, I've met people who FF'd who did a spectacular job at raising their kids. While I firmly believe BFing (even extended BFing) is the healthiest nutritional choice for a baby, there's so much more to being a good parent.

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