wanting another baby but can't have one - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 10-22-2008, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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does anyone else go through this? i occasionally go through these periods where i just want to be pregnant so bad. financialy we can't afford another baby. its not a good time for our relationship. im trying to start a career in the army right now and im injured and trying to heal. just nothing in my life right now if good for a baby right now but for some reason i just want one so bad! my husband doesn't want one because he knows its not a good time. does anyone else go through these " baby spells" when you can't get the want to be pregnant and have a new baby?

Trying to with SO my dd3 my ds 2 dss 7 dss 8 and 2 chinese creasted's
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#2 of 18 Old 10-22-2008, 08:49 PM
 
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Well, I don't go through "baby spells" like you describe, but I know what it feels like to want to be pregnant again. My DH was done after 2 kids and I fought to have another. I feel like having another child is a mute point (will really put our marraige on the edge). Knowing this, I am mourning this child I won't have. I get sad thinking I won't be pregnant again, won't hold my newborn again (DD is already a huge 8 mos. old), won't have another glorious homebirth, etc.
I don't know how old you are, but maybe your circumstances will change in a few years and then you and your DH can consider adding to your family again. You'll have to make sacrifices (in your career), but if it's really what you want, you will find a way to make it happen.

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#3 of 18 Old 10-22-2008, 08:54 PM
 
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I went through this after my second was born. With my first I had high BP and spent weeks on bedrest, my second was born 7 weeks early with 3 week stay in the NICU. My dh didn't want more than two anyway, I would be high risk and face the possibility of extended bedrest and/or nicu time and/or serious health issues with baby etc. - any of which would have been hard on dh and the two kids I already had (both emotionally and financially if we had to hire help while I was out of commissioin).

On paper it made sense to stop at two for us, but I find that I still daydream about getting pregnant again. At my age and with my history it's not going to happen though! I found the milestones were the hardest - like when ds got to big for his sling - I knew I wouldn't be using it but it was so hard to give it away, as if that somehow finalized the end of my childbearing years.

I'm not really sure I can say anything to make you feel better. It took years but I realized that what I really liked was being pregnant and taking care of newborns and the two kids I have are plenty for me. Maybe it is an issue that you can revisit on a few years?
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#4 of 18 Old 10-22-2008, 08:57 PM
 
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I am in that space right now myself. It is hard. It helps me to focus on the things I can have and can do to make us all happy, but I still ache.

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#5 of 18 Old 10-22-2008, 09:29 PM
 
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ME! We are so far in debt it's not even funny. I was planning on having my kids be 2-3 years apart but at this rate, they will be about 8 years apart if I wait for the right time. I'm SO frustrated with all this.. plus, it doesn't help that I have a 2 bed 1 bath house that I can't get rid of because of the economy.. I can't picture having a 3 year old and a newborn in the same room. Even if I had the newborn in my room for the 1st 6 months, I still can't see a 3 year old and 6 month old sleeping at night. I want another baby sooooooooo bad and have had baby fever for about 2 months now. I'm in the "it's not fair" phase right now. Everyone else I know is having them when they feel because they are not affected by the market ect.. We already have all the baby "stuff" we need- crib, bouncer, toys, clothes.. if breastfeeding works out, then that's almost free (aside from me eating more). I get so sad thinking about it and how I live my life from paycheck to paycheck these days because DH doesn't have a job and is in school and I make too much for daycare assistance so I have to work around everyone.

That being said, I made a goal for myself. If I finish a career move by Feb or March of next year, then we'll have another for early 2010 I hope. My dad is getting older and has cancer so I really have this issue about him meeting my kids and getting pictures with them. I can pay off debt slowly for those memories. I just hope it all works out.
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#6 of 18 Old 10-23-2008, 09:34 AM
 
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I'm there, too. My son is 13, my stepdaughter is 8. My Hubby absolutely will not have another child. For a while, he kept telling me "it's not the right time yet, we can't afford it yet", but almost a year ago, he came clean- "he knows we can never afford a third child, so he will never want another child". It's especially bad when he goes all gaga over my baby nephew, Alex. I feel like shaking him (my Hubby, not my nephew!) and saying, "That could be our baby!" Some days are worse than others, and I never really forget that baby I feel we were meant to have, but some days, I'm okay. I still pray for an "oops" someday, but I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen. My Hubby is Mr. Careful and, although I know in my heart if we did have a baby, he would love her with all his heart, getting pregnant on purpose could jeopardize our marriage, or at the very least, make the first year or so emotionally rough for everyone. Not worth it.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#7 of 18 Old 10-23-2008, 12:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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exactly. i don't think dh will ever want another child. we are in a very strange and uncomfortable situation right now because when we were seperated he got his gf pregnant. we didn't find out til 2 days after we got back together. so now he is having a baby he doesn't want with her he definetly doesn't want another one here. he says we can have one later but im really getting the feeling that he will never want another child. i feel decieved because when we were still dating and early in our marriage (we have been together for 4 years and married for almost 2) he always talked about how he wanted 7-10 kids. i want 6. we have 2. he's about to have another and thats no where near 6 for me. i hope that he really will want more later.

Trying to with SO my dd3 my ds 2 dss 7 dss 8 and 2 chinese creasted's
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#8 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 12:19 AM
 
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I want a baby but my eggs are old and DH and I weren't willing/couldn't afford having fertility treatments of various kinds. I still can't believe that I will never be pregnant again. How did this happen that I only have one child? I feel like our family is missing someone and I wish DS had a sibling. Sometimes I think DH and I need a child to weave another link of our family (we have only been married 2 years). If I wanted anything else this bad I would move heaven and earth to get it.

Married to the love of my life, mom to DS :
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#9 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 12:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i do. i feel something is missing in our family and our marriage. maybe it's not a child that missing. i feel that it is a child. i don't know i could be wrong.

Trying to with SO my dd3 my ds 2 dss 7 dss 8 and 2 chinese creasted's
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#10 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 12:51 AM
 
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I definitely want a another baby, more than anything else in the world. I'm physically unable to have one. I have three amazing kids, but I feel like something is missing and knowing that I will never carry another baby in my womb is breaking my heart.

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#11 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 01:00 AM
 
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I *really* want to be pg again and go for a vbac, but I don't think I want another baby just yet.

...but....

...your DH is having a baby with someone else?! That would make it difficult for me to even breathe daily.
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#12 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 01:32 AM
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Sweetheart you have a 2 year old and a 1 year old per your sig. Enjoy your TWO babies right now, and maybe if you want another, the time will be right later.
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#13 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 07:48 PM
 
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I get that feeling sometimes, even though I know I'm far from ready to have another. I think it's because I'm told i cannot have one due to the financial situation we're in which puts me in a headspin bc it feels 'unfair'. Also, bc my partner has alcohol issues I wouldn't want to bring another child into it all unless/until that is resolved (if it ever is). It is hard but I agree with what Whalemilk said too. Sometimes also we only notice what we DON'T have, instead of enjoying what we are blessed with already.
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#14 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 08:47 PM
 
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I would love to have one more (we have one son, 2.5 years old, already), but it's not looking very likely. We haven't completely ruled out trying to have another, but I've had three losses in the past 11 months, one of which was due to Trisomy 13, and I'm 38 years old, so we're fairly high up in the risky department.

Some days I'm fine with having only one - I think about being able to have some of my life back, in terms of focusing on my hobbies and spending time on myself; about him being old enough to appreciate and put up with travelling around the country and, eventually, to other countries; I think that it will make things easier in terms of affording all the things we want to give him. But I loved being pregnant and breastfeeding, in spite of the discomforts; I ache to hold a wee baby of my own again.; and I want to go through all the firsts again, one last time. When I think of not having another child, I feel the way previous posters have mentioned - I mourn the child I may never have, and I am sad to think that my body may never carry and nourish another tiny life.
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#15 of 18 Old 10-25-2008, 10:34 PM
 
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I so desperately want another. I started pining away for one right around the time DS turned one, and now baby lust is so bad that it is hard for me to see newborns. I am a single mama, and likely to stay single for quite a few more years while DS is small. I am 34 years old, so by the time I finally meet someone and start trying to get pregnant again, I am going to be high risk due to age. I just wish I had the support and strength to get pregnant on my own. I won't though. If I ever had to go on bed rest, or if the pregnancy was complicated for whatever reason, or if I had a C-Section things could just become a mess pretty easily.

It is very hard to think about.

Plus I am on public assistance and I really want to get off all forms of help. If I have another, I really don't want to be a "welfare mom". I want to be able to support my family completely. Adding another child to the mix will pretty much make that impossible as a single parent.

Formerly single Mama to the zaniest boy on the block, born on my birthday on 3/28/07. Soon to be Mama to a new little and can't wait to bfinfant.gif and femalesling.GIF and familybed1.gif again! 
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#16 of 18 Old 10-26-2008, 11:39 PM
 
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I went through the same thing a couple of years ago. It was very difficult for me. Although I tried to focus on all of the good things I did have and my wonderful children, I still felt like there was something missing. My DH had a vasectomy against my wishes and I felt betrayed.

I'm not sure what happened, but 2 years later and I feel at peace with my current situation. After living through the pain of wanting what I couldn't have, I somehow got past it. I've developed other interests and other plans for my life, and I feel happy. I also feel very content with the number of children I have. I can't pinpoint when or how my feeling changed, but after a couple of years I now feel good with going on to a new part of my life. I'm past my childbearing years, and on to new adventures

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
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#17 of 18 Old 10-28-2008, 04:52 PM
 
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Haven't read all the replies but I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I was pregnant with my second I had already signed the papers to be a surrogate for my SIL one year after I delivered my second and then after that delivery we would have our third. (We like to plan WAY ahead!) After I delivered my second daughter, I almost bled to death due to extreme placenta accreta and I had to have an emergency hysterectomy. We all were crushed. My poor SIL never did find a surrogate, she ONLY trusted me to carry her baby I still feel partially responsible for them not having any babies and us not having a third. I still miss it so much. I enjoyed pregnancy, labor and delivery. I also work Ob/Gyn as an Rn so I see pregnant women all the time. It is ok now, but for a LONG time I was depressed about it. I am grateful for the two beautiful girls I have but I still dream I am pregnant sometimes. It is hard mama, I know how you feel.
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#18 of 18 Old 11-10-2008, 07:16 PM
 
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I have been feeling this exact same thing. I don't want to be pregnant again because it would be so high risk (and after having a baby at 28 weeks I know that's something I don't need to go through again), I hated being pregnant, I'm alone too much to handle my high-needs toddler and an infant, we can't afford it, and I don't think it's sustainable- but I DREAM about being pregnant again! I keep hearing about people who are ttc and are so happy that they are pregnant again and I keep thinking- I WANT THAT!!! And I want to have a big belly and glow and all of those good things that come with pregnancy. I think Im just mourning the fact that I'm never going to have a glowing, ft pregnancy- even though I thought I dealt with this a long time ago..
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