~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #13 2009*~ - Page 10 - Mothering Forums

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#271 of 283 Old 12-12-2009, 11:12 PM
 
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Hi. I've read several pages of this thread. I've been struggling with this for a while.

I started out our marriage this way. I was at home (by unemployment; not by choice however dh would have preferred it was permanent). Other than desiring a career, I did consult him on EVERYTHING. If I felt the need to spend $5, I asked permission. We did decide early on that I would do the budget and I did. He would complain about it and I'd turn it over to him. After a few months we'd have significantly less money and he'd get frustrated and he'd hand it back to me. I tried to clean up during the day. He preferred to cook and most of the time I let him. I tried hard. He on the other hand did not realize that so much was in the Bible about marriage and I didn't think to point it out to him. I sometimes wonder had we studied these parts of the Bible together, if it would have made a difference.

Things took a turn for the worse when I was WOH.

Now we are both WAHP. I have way more hours to work than he does (45 for me 10 for him) but the kids can come sit in my lap. I can help out when needed, etc. We homeschool the kids. I feel that God has brought us home (after much prayer) for a reason greater than homeschooling our kids. I feel that this is our chance to heal as a family and that there are probably other reasons too.

My biggest fault right now is just not trusting him to make decisions that are good for the family. To me, it seems that he is still not considering us when it comes to making decisions. I know I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut. It's just so hard when I see how his decisions benefit him and hurt other members of the family including the children (nothing physically damaging but yet making it hard for them to trust us). He has been allowing me to guide him on somethings such as organization and being consistant with the children and it's working (ie. they don't listen if you keep making empty promises so he's tryingto follow through more now). He's also spontaneous and while that's great sometimes, it's also an issue of considering others sometimes.

So the major problem is that I don't trust him and I'm bitter. However, I don't want to feel this way. I want to trust him to think about how his actions affect the entire family.
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#272 of 283 Old 12-13-2009, 04:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by camprunner View Post
I started out our marriage this way. I was at home (by unemployment; not by choice however dh would have preferred it was permanent). Other than desiring a career, I did consult him on EVERYTHING. If I felt the need to spend $5, I asked permission. We did decide early on that I would do the budget and I did. He would complain about it and I'd turn it over to him. After a few months we'd have significantly less money and he'd get frustrated and he'd hand it back to me.

It sounds to me that in the area of money, there needs to be some common ground found. Does it need to be one person's job or the others? In our home, my DH sets up the budget while asking me how much money I will need for various things (I do the majority of the shopping). Once he sets it up, he brings it to me for me to look over and make sure I'm comfortable with everything. If I have any concerns, I raise them and we discuss them together. In the end, he has a final say, but he definitely uses my input. I think your situation would benefit greatly from finding some common ground here.

I tried to clean up during the day. He preferred to cook and most of the time I let him. I tried hard. He on the other hand did not realize that so much was in the Bible about marriage and I didn't think to point it out to him. I sometimes wonder had we studied these parts of the Bible together, if it would have made a difference.

Is it too late to start now? Maybe bring up to him that you would love to do some couple's Bible study on marriage. I would let him lead the study though. My DH and I really like reading "The Marriage Builder" together.

Things took a turn for the worse when I was WOH.

My biggest fault right now is just not trusting him to make decisions that are good for the family. To me, it seems that he is still not considering us when it comes to making decisions. I know I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut.

There's a difference between submission and keeping your mouth shut. Yes, there are times when it is most beneficial to all involved to keep your mouth shut, but there is nothing wrong with respectfully voicing your concerns.

It's just so hard when I see how his decisions benefit him and hurt other members of the family including the children (nothing physically damaging but yet making it hard for them to trust us). He has been allowing me to guide him on somethings such as organization and being consistant with the children and it's working (ie. they don't listen if you keep making empty promises so he's tryingto follow through more now). He's also spontaneous and while that's great sometimes, it's also an issue of considering others sometimes.

So the major problem is that I don't trust him and I'm bitter. However, I don't want to feel this way. I want to trust him to think about how his actions affect the entire family.

That last sentence really stuck out to me. I mean this in the kindest way possible. It translates (in my mind) to, "I want to trust him to change to how I want him to be." It would appear that your bitterness comes from not accepting him as he his (a fellow sinner saved by grace and in desperate need of forgiveness). That's not to say that he couldn't benefit from some changes, but that could be said about anyone. Just some things to think about.
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#273 of 283 Old 12-13-2009, 05:44 PM
 
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Thanks for your thoughts That helped. I will look into Marriage Builders. The Budget works now. I do the budget and then if he cares, he asks if there is money for something that he wants. Sometimes since I am the primary breadwinner, it is difficult for me to see the monetary choices that he makes. We do hope that eventually he will be but right now, I'm the one with the opportunity to keep everyone at home.

I am the worst about voicing my opinions, as in I probably do it too much. However, I kind of get the feeling that if he wants to do something, my opinion really doesn't matter anyway.

It's not that I necessarily want to change him. I just don't want him to be himself around our kids
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#274 of 283 Old 12-30-2009, 06:03 PM
 
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Ladies! I am SOOO happy that I have found this message board! Such encouraging words and Biblical answers! You just don't see this! Praise the Lord! I will be on here from now on! Love it!
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#275 of 283 Old 01-01-2010, 03:23 PM
 
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Do we need to start a new one for 2010?

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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#276 of 283 Old 01-03-2010, 04:54 PM
 
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I have a quick question:
A while ago, maybe even 2 or 3 years ago, I read a story from a link on MDC. It was about a woman who worked really hard on her farm with her husband, and she was miserable and they were going to lose the farm until a woman came along and bought an apple from her, and told her that she should stop working with her husband and focus on the house and be a good wife.

Do any of you know what I'm talking about? I'd love to find it to pass on to a friend. I've searched this forum and the parents as partners one but I'm not sure where I saw it. I figured you ladies might be my best bet

BC Mum of four ('05, '07, '11 and 06/14!)     
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#277 of 283 Old 01-05-2010, 12:05 PM
 
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*Raises hand* Yeah, me. Before I read this post I'd always thought "submission? Ha! Another word for being controlled!" I have no idea why read the thread down even this far, but I'm glad I did. Your post really taught me something. I don't have anything productive to add to the thread, but I would like to read through it to see if any more of it resonates with me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I wanted to share something that I just learned when putting this thread together.

We are "submitted" wives because Ephesians 5:22 says we should submit to our husbands.

And verse 23 says, "For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body."

Most, if not all, read "the husband is head of the wife" to mean "the husband is the boss of the wife" or in other words, in control. But you know what? That is not what it really is saying.

I have been doing some word education and going beyond what has always been taught on scripture and checking out what the original words meant.

Did you know "head" does not mean "boss"? It actually does not even imply "in control".



I read this to mean "head" is more of a "point of attack", like when you (if you were not afraid) reach out to grab a snake, you grab it by the head. Or when you attack an enemy, you attack the head. Or when you peek out to see if you were safe, only the head gets exposed.

The husband is the "head" of the wife, the one that stands in front of her to protect her from attack. The one that is to take the brunt of the attack. The one that sticks his neck out to see if it is safe.

The head.

Now, that really made me think about a lot of things when I have reread this passage the last couple of days.

All I can say is WOW!

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#278 of 283 Old 01-07-2010, 06:14 PM
 
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I really appreciate the insights of Mrs. Parunak's blog. Thank you for sharing.

I have some stuff I've been stewing in and was wondering if you all have some ideas/advice.

DH and I just don't see eye to eye on a number of things that I believe are really quite important. I'll give two examples, but could give others.

Circumcision. He wanted to, I didn't. He talked about taking DS to do it even though I disagreed and even though he agreed that he had no particular reason he wanted it. I told him I wanted to be a good wife and respect his decision, but that I also personally really felt that doing it was unacceptable (I am sure you can go to the circ area of the board to get the gist of a lot of my reasons). He eventually didn't do it because I was clear that I would resent him and well, he kept harping on it but time passed and as DS got older the cheaper/easier ways disappeared, so he gave up. We talked about it the other day and he still would like to circ any future sons. He thought it was a compromise - we didn't do this DS, would then do the next... UM, no. I prayed about this lots and not "God change his mind" prayers - I struggled over it, wanted to submit to DH, but also in the end just did not feel I could allow it in good consicence. And DH did not join me in these prayer battles - he just wanted to do it and that was his stance.

Another area, birth control. I have allowed DH's choice to be how we do it, but it does not sit well with me and where I have come in my beliefs about God and His role for family and humanity. What do I do with this? DH doesn't want to pray about these things together - then he just feels bullied by me.

Anyway, obviously these are big issues. Having these disagreements behind the scences does not help in harmony in the day to day functioning of our relationship either. It just seems like I want to love and respect him and submit to him, but then when it comes to it I do not submit to his authority on things - like these issues. Well, I have submitted to DH on the birth control, but that is a physical submission to his choice which I don't harp on but my heart has not come around to agreeing either.

Anyway, do you ladies have any insight? I know PRAY. Read the Bible. But how do I live in joyful submission to things that I feel are morally and Biblically wrong? I have not been able to do it.

Tjej
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#279 of 283 Old 01-07-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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DH and I have been married for almost a year. It is both of our second marriages. We are Bible believing Christians. I really want to be a submissive wife and I just want to know if you have any recommendations of studies that will help us to have a Bible based marriage. Thanks!

Big Momma
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#280 of 283 Old 01-08-2010, 10:23 PM
 
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Tjej, those are both significant issues. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing. Are you able to talk to someone like a pastor or another Christian couple you respect when you disagree?

This is how submission works in our house, more or less...

For the vast majority of things in day to day life, we have a clear division of responsibility. My husband makes the money, I spend most of it. He pays bills and does most of the finances, although I do most of the household and child related spending. In all of this there is a mutual respect and submission.

On bigger issues, usually we are in agreement. In the times we have not agreed, I have always left the final decision in his hands. This was true for us with circumcision. I was opposed to it all along. We ended up circumcising our oldest son and then not circumcising our two younger sons after my husband's heart changed. It was also true when we were praying about when to start a family. It is true now as I feel very strongly called to adopt, and DH isn't *quite* there.

Often when we have a big decision to make, I need to start by spending time in prayer. Usually I will then write out my thoughts to him in a letter. I did this the first time maybe five years ago when I felt strongly that God was calling us to move to the inner city. DH took my concerns and my feeling called very seriously. We prayed through the decision and even took the first steps in that direction, but then God made it clear to him it wasn't right. And I trusted him.

Over the last year, this has come up again and again. I felt like it was time to sell the station wagon and buy a minivan. My husband was not sure. I had a hard time putting this in my husband's hands. I let him know how I felt and then waited patiently. Eventually, just last month, something shifted and his heart changed. I think he realized that having a minivan was something that would really make my day easier (with 3 little ones). And then God totally blessed us. We were able to sell our subaru for $1500 over the blue book price, and buy a minivan for $1500 less than the blue book price. Just amazing. Had I pushed and tried to have my way months earlier, I don't believe it would have worked out so well.

Another thing we've been working through is what to do about permanent birth control. This is a REALLY hard one. We both want more children but need to do something about permanent birth control because my body doesn't do pregnancy very well. This one is hard because it involves grief, loss, changes in one or both of our bodies...again, I'm putting this in my husband's hands. I hope he decides to have a vas, but if he feels it is better for me to have my tubes tied we'll go that direction. I've done my research, let him know how I feel, etc and now it's in his hands.

The third issue we're dealing with is adoption. I'm ready to start the process to adopt soon, my husband seems to be waiting for a few more things to happen first. His heart is changing, but it's easy for me to grow so frustrated waiting. The burden on my heart is so huge. I am praying constantly for our future daughter and feel like God has made his will so clear. I just keep praying that my husband will be obedient, that he will not be afraid, that he will trust God. I wrote him a letter about my heart in all of this maybe 4 months ago. He knows exactly where I stand, but that the decision is in his hands. Oh, how I want him to move forward with adopting. But I also trust him to do what is right for our family.
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#281 of 283 Old 01-09-2010, 01:28 AM
 
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Thank you for your thoughts/examples, sbrinton. I think that writing things out would be a really good idea. It is a way that my DH tends to process things himself, and he would probably really appreciate that.

With the circ thing I did talk to a few people I know and trust around us, and the few I did had really not chewed on the idea, they'd just circ'd to look like Daddy, so that didn't help me. Well, it did move me even more towards possibly allowing it inspite of my beliefs, but I just could not get there. But that's the thing - if I were doing this right I would let it go and let DH be responsible for the outcome. I obviously am not there, though. Hmm...

Lots of thinking/praying to do.

Tjej
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#282 of 283 Old 01-09-2010, 01:22 PM
 
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Ok, here's my 2 cents on the circ thing. Yes, we are to submit to our husbands. HOWEVER we are not to do so if it causes us to sin. *I* believe that circumcision is a sin. It is morally inconceivable to me to harm one of God's precious children - moreso if it is one's own child (because, as a parent, it is your job to keep your children safe). So, for me, that one is non-negotiable. I would continue to pray about it and explain to my husband how much it hurts to have to go against him (because it would), but that Heavenly Father gave me this precious life and I have a duty to protect it, even from its own father.

I feel somewhat similar on the bc issue, although I do have a different set of circumstances in that my DH is not Christian and therefore has different moral beliefs than I do. I feel that hormonal bc and non-hormonal IUDs have a function of abortion. He does not consider it a life at that point - I do. I have a moral obligation to protect that life. Were he a believer and I could trust that he had prayed about it and gotten an answer from Heavenly Father, I would be more inclinded to take his lead, knowing that he would be taking into account the safety of those lives as well. (And I'm not saying that if he were a Christian he would agree with me - there may very well be some reason I'm not aware of that God wants me on BC at some point, but I feel I can't allow my husband to make that decision because of our different beliefs in when life starts).

I don't know if that was any help to you or not. Just my situation. *hugs*

Momma to DS1 4/5/06 nursed with IGT to self-weaning at 27 months, DS2 1/20/09 still nursing, DS3 due late November - planning to tandem with IGT and SNS
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#283 of 283 Old 02-01-2010, 11:05 PM
 
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hey ladies, sorry for interjecting, i need some opinions...but its not about circ-ing.


So, i come in and out of this thread, I really enjoy learning about the concept. I just finished reading the proper care and feeding of a marriage and the husband one as well. And, i suppose its funny because as you can see by my signature, Im a single mom. Needless to say, me and my son's father are on this amazing road of recovery for our relationship and to become BOTH active in the baby's life. I throughly enjoyed the books and my eyes are wide open to the possibilities in the growth of our family, and i cant believe now, all the negative images of marriage and the wife and husband relationship. My son's father suggests saying our vows in the next 5 years, and to have more children before that. I feel strongly about not using birth control, i know i know ive gotten my self into trouble now because of it, but it feels wrong as well as i feel strongly againest the chemicals etc, in birth control. My son's father doesnt like me having a iud, he doesnt want to have to use condoms with his "wife" (me either) so i mean whats left? What your sucess rate with the natural family planning method? Im breastfeeding so i can only use that one type of the pill, but its not as effective. Bottom line is that i neeeeeeed to finish college before i have more children, he wants them sooner and suggests part-time schooling or something. I just want to have a career i can pop in and out of need be, i need college for that and i want to go to learn as well. please, i know you all arent the type, but please dont judge me for my decisions to date, i am working hard to repair and bring our family together and want to start making smarter more traditional decisions. but what do you reccommend as a course of action? what would you do?

Shawna young single liquid gold feedin intactlactivist co-sleepin mama to my mixed baby boy Carter Jesse (aug 26th 09)
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