~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #13 2009*~ - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 283 Old 01-16-2009, 10:15 PM
 
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Definitely will be praying for you and your dh AngelBee. It definitely sounds like he has some issues he needs to work through on his own ("baggage" as most therapists would call it).

Happily married to my dh, mama to ds1 (01/2005), ds2 (07/2007)  and dd (07/2009).
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#62 of 283 Old 01-16-2009, 11:01 PM
 
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Thank you mamas for your thoughts and prayers.

I just am so at my wits end. I NEED this to improve. And fast.

There is NO reason that we have been spinning our wheels for so long.

It is time for a MAJOR change.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#63 of 283 Old 01-16-2009, 11:21 PM
 
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#64 of 283 Old 01-18-2009, 12:47 AM
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How did I miss this thread for the last 2 weeks? So glad to see its active!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
Thank you mamas for your thoughts and prayers.

I just am so at my wits end. I NEED this to improve. And fast.

There is NO reason that we have been spinning our wheels for so long.

It is time for a MAJOR change.
I know how frustrating it can be. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Dh and I have been through many changes in our marriage, but things finally seem to be levelling out and there's not so much 'checking out' on his part anymore. Things just move at a snail's pace here...I just try to be glad that it's moving in a good direction, no matter how gradual! I think that he had a hard time accepting that he has a wife who loves him and wants to be with him forever..now that we have a child together I think its cemented it in a bit more that we really are a family and are here for each other. I think we've both had issues with that though, as we've both come from divorced or dysfunctional families.

It does get frustrating trying to have a Biblical marriage when I feel dh doesn't have the same level of interest in it...it's more of his default to want his distance himself and keep things seperate and be ready to split at a moments notice if need be...fortunatley this pattern has diminished alot.

I'd love to get some advice here though.

For the first few years of our marriage we had joint bank accounts and combined our income. Well, dh was out of work for a while and I felt after a while that i was unfairly carrying our load. I was young, but told him after a while that I wanted to have seperate money where we both contribute 50/50 to everything. This was pre-child, and before I ever heard of Biblical marriage..

Well, needless to say, this really affected us in many ways. On the positive side, I think it finally got dh to feel empowered that he could do things 'on his own' without any financial help from anyone else (he came from a fairly well-off family).

On the negative side, its been 7 years and he still likes to keep things seperate. I work PT but make more money. I would like to combine everything together, but he isn't interested and 'doesn't see the point' because he wants to pay off his student loans without my help and until that happens he won't have any extra $ to contribute to savings anyways...although, he is starting to buy more music equipment and I know he thinks I'll give him a hard time if he chooses to spend our money on that instead of saving it....there's some truth to that, but not if it's purchases within reason...how do you allocate money for saving and for spending seperatley?? My interests (occasional shopping, etc., aren't nearly as expensive...not even close).



Any advice?
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#65 of 283 Old 01-18-2009, 01:48 AM
 
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How did I miss this thread for the last 2 weeks? So glad to see its active!



I know how frustrating it can be. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Dh and I have been through many changes in our marriage, but things finally seem to be levelling out and there's not so much 'checking out' on his part anymore. Things just move at a snail's pace here...I just try to be glad that it's moving in a good direction, no matter how gradual! I think that he had a hard time accepting that he has a wife who loves him and wants to be with him forever..now that we have a child together I think its cemented it in a bit more that we really are a family and are here for each other. I think we've both had issues with that though, as we've both come from divorced or dysfunctional families.

It does get frustrating trying to have a Biblical marriage when I feel dh doesn't have the same level of interest in it...it's more of his default to want his distance himself and keep things seperate and be ready to split at a moments notice if need be...fortunatley this pattern has diminished alot.

I'd love to get some advice here though.

For the first few years of our marriage we had joint bank accounts and combined our income. Well, dh was out of work for a while and I felt after a while that i was unfairly carrying our load. I was young, but told him after a while that I wanted to have seperate money where we both contribute 50/50 to everything. This was pre-child, and before I ever heard of Biblical marriage..

Well, needless to say, this really affected us in many ways. On the positive side, I think it finally got dh to feel empowered that he could do things 'on his own' without any financial help from anyone else (he came from a fairly well-off family).

On the negative side, its been 7 years and he still likes to keep things seperate. I work PT but make more money. I would like to combine everything together, but he isn't interested and 'doesn't see the point' because he wants to pay off his student loans without my help and until that happens he won't have any extra $ to contribute to savings anyways...although, he is starting to buy more music equipment and I know he thinks I'll give him a hard time if he chooses to spend our money on that instead of saving it....there's some truth to that, but not if it's purchases within reason...how do you allocate money for saving and for spending seperatley?? My interests (occasional shopping, etc., aren't nearly as expensive...not even close).



Any advice?
I really like Dave Ramsey's financial stuff for questions like that. If you google him you can get the names of his books and web things that I think would help a lot.

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#66 of 283 Old 01-18-2009, 11:36 AM
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Thanks, I just googles "Dave Ramsey Marriage" and a few good articles came up that are relevant to us (seperate finances..not so much debt problems).

I'm thinking about just giving him all of the income I earn and tell him to do with it how he sees fit for us as a family...and trust it'll work out.

I am worried that I might get angry or resentful at dh if he does things with it that I probably wouldn't...kywim? I guess that's just part of letting go and trusting in both my husband and, ultimately, in God, to allow things to work.
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#67 of 283 Old 01-18-2009, 05:49 PM
 
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Thanks, I just googles "Dave Ramsey Marriage" and a few good articles came up that are relevant to us (seperate finances..not so much debt problems).

I'm thinking about just giving him all of the income I earn and tell him to do with it how he sees fit for us as a family...and trust it'll work out.

I am worried that I might get angry or resentful at dh if he does things with it that I probably wouldn't...kywim? I guess that's just part of letting go and trusting in both my husband and, ultimately, in God, to allow things to work.
This seems like a really good idea... perhaps you 2 could sit down together and work out a budget of some kind? Maybe set up an automatic allotment to a savings account?

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#68 of 283 Old 01-18-2009, 08:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have never done the Dave Ramsey course, but I want to one day. I think it could really help us a bit.

The only thing that I have a problem with (and this is due to what "he said, she said" about it, not direct knowledge) it is that it does not seem to work if you do not have enough income. Other than telling you to cut back (which we have, to the core) and increase income with another job, which for us is just not do-able.

So, until we have the higher income, I don't know if it would do us any good. But they do have some sound principles.

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#69 of 283 Old 01-18-2009, 08:36 PM
 
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Subbing.

I know I intended to learn about this quite some time ago, but I haven't re-subbed as the thread has moved. heh. I am getting better at it though. It's amazing how much easier a marriage is when you work to humble yourself and get away from the typical American woman's goal of being the strong independent career woman.

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#70 of 283 Old 01-19-2009, 04:06 AM
 
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ladies!

We are now on dial-up internet so I rarely visit these message boards anymore and hadn't gotten on the new thread (or finished reading last months), but here I am having some alone time with DH and my DD's in bed.

Wow, what a month this last one has been! DH got laid off from work on December 18th, and got a new job just this past week. So 4 weeks of unemployment checks There were some blessings coming from it though- he was home the week of Christmas when we had a huge snowstorm that made it pretty scary to drive, and he was here to celebrate both of my DD's birthdays on the 21st and 23rd, which was awesome. Then, when he was out looking for a new jobsite (he's a carpenter apprentice) he found someone with a fallen cedar tree that let him have the wood for free, so once the wood is split we have a little over a cord for next winter. DD1 and I are reading the Little House series of books right now and I love the quote in one of them that there is no big loss without some small gain.

For the next 5 weeks I have my nephew staying with us who is 13. My parenting has been limited to girls and little girls at that (I also come from a family of all girls) so it'll be interesting having a teenage boy around! He has had a pretty tumultous childhood, so my dh and I hope to be a good example of what family life can be like when you rely on God.

Right now I have the book, "The Love Dare" from the library, which is based on the movie "Fireproof", and it is really a neat read. So many things to think about when it comes to God and being the best spouse possible based upon the love that Jesus showed for us. Very rejuvenating to my thought process and it is fun to implement the "dares" into our day-to-day life

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#71 of 283 Old 01-20-2009, 12:16 AM
 
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I have never done the Dave Ramsey course, but I want to one day. I think it could really help us a bit.

The only thing that I have a problem with (and this is due to what "he said, she said" about it, not direct knowledge) it is that it does not seem to work if you do not have enough income. Other than telling you to cut back (which we have, to the core) and increase income with another job, which for us is just not do-able.

So, until we have the higher income, I don't know if it would do us any good. But they do have some sound principles.
Well, we aren't what I'd call "High income" but it's been working slowly for us. Some of it is the attitude.

To my husband I am wife, to my kids I am mother, but for myself I am just me.
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#72 of 283 Old 01-28-2009, 04:29 PM
 
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Checking in...

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#73 of 283 Old 01-28-2009, 05:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm still around. I have not had much sleep in the last two weeks. LO came down with a virus that soon spread to the other children. Never fun. And it took him so long to get over it. It was probably picked up at the docs office when I took my other son in for a check on a sprained ankle.

It really has been a long two weeks. And I feel like I have done nothing. And now I am behind. Oh, well. I am going to have to just catch up.

And we are snowed in today! : It really is cool too! Only, I don't want to lose power as lots of people have over night. That would not be fun.

But I really love looking out at the iced over trees. It looks like a Christmas card!

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#74 of 283 Old 01-29-2009, 11:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was thinking about Fireproof and The Love Dare. I am guessing that most here have seen it, if not, it really is good and something to check out.

Anyways, I just thinking about what I do to show my husband how special he is. So, I thought I would post it as a question for everyone to think about.

What do you do for your husband, routinely, that tells him he is special to you?

And then, what COULD you do that you don't routinely do, that would show him how special he is to you? Something new?

Now, for me, this question is asking more than what most would read into it. Because I have asked my husband this question before in regards to our relationship.

To me, when I ask or answer this question, the answer must be something that is special and intimate to me/my husband. It can not be something that you would routinely do for friends, relatives, coworkers, family, or even your children.

That makes the question a multitude times harder to answer, at least for me it does.

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#75 of 283 Old 01-30-2009, 04:14 AM
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Gosh, good question...need time to think about that.
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#76 of 283 Old 01-30-2009, 06:58 PM
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After really thinking about it, I have to say I don't think I do much on a routine basis that tells him he is special to me.

I'm offering to see if he wants to go out tonight to see a movie or dinner (my treat) and I'll get the babysitter too. We haven't been out alone hardly at all since ds was born 18months ago, dh loves movies too, so I feel like its a good gesture!

In general I can:

Start to buy him flowers more... dh actually loves flowers of all sorts and I just don't usually get him any (at least not in the past few years).

Get more involved with what new songs he's making and what he's doing musically.

I guess sex should count here too
I'll start to initiate more because lately we've been dealing with sickness for about two weeks and its been a dryspell for us both.

OK, those are 3 things I can do fairly regularly and it would mean alot to DH.
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#77 of 283 Old 01-30-2009, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I, too, have been having trouble thinking what I do special for him. With a large family and a new baby, I am just a bit stretched. So, I have failed more often than not.

One thing I do for Hubby that I would not do for anyone else is to get up every morning at five or five thirty and getting out in the cold nasty weather to drive him up to the bus stop (he COULD walk, it is only a mile, but I usually drive him).

I may do this occasionally for others, but I would never agree to do this every single day for anyone except Hubby.

I think I also need to give him my undivided attention more often. I rarely give that to anyone (as I usually have a half dozen people vying for my attention at any given time). Perhaps I can pass the baby off to a sibling and just give Hubby some time right after he comes home. I know he would reallly like that.

I am going to have to do more thinking, as well. I just don't think this is enough to show my affection for him.

See, I ask a hard question and I don't even have a good answer yet. I better get on the ball!

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#78 of 283 Old 01-30-2009, 10:16 PM
 
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oh this is a good question!! ok let me think...

well about a year ago we had a hmmm.. total marriage make over for lack of a better word. one of those times in life where everything hits you in the face and it's either fight or flight? well we fought and since I have made much effort to try to always show him how special he is to me. I realized how important marriage is!! I didn't use to... atleast not enough. not on purpose, I just let life get in the way you know? but wow, what a difference in makes.

I don't know what he would say if I asked him out flatly... but in my heart I make a HUGE effort to remember to pray for him. not just for what I want him to be for me, but for HIM. I'm not perfect about it though... I still struggle with remembering as sad as that sounds.

I also made an effort to turn more of my interests towards home. not always away from the house. we both like this better.

and I try to think of something nice I can do for him each day. even if he doesn't notice. like today I got hima glass of water. I know, that is NO big deal. but in my heart I REALLY didn't want to get him a glass of water. I was feeling rundown and I wanted someone to get ME something lol. so b/c I realized my selfishness, I tried to think of doing something for him instead. so on my side it was an act of doing exactly the opposite of what I felt like. there are many times i get him a glass of water, no big deal. but you get the idea... it's sometimes about the inner attitude more than the act.

what else could I do? hmm... I will have to think about it. i think he would like it if I got to bed earlier and rose earlier. this is trying for me. I am pregnancy and still having plenty of sick spells, so my routine isn't the best. he is gracious though. I've been praying God will enable me to do this though. b/c even though my husband doesn't say it, I know he would enjoy it.

I hope sincerely he knows how much I do appreciate him!

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#79 of 283 Old 01-31-2009, 02:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I was thinking about Fireproof and The Love Dare. I am guessing that most here have seen it, if not, it really is good and something to check out.

Anyways, I just thinking about what I do to show my husband how special he is. So, I thought I would post it as a question for everyone to think about.

What do you do for your husband, routinely, that tells him he is special to you?

And then, what COULD you do that you don't routinely do, that would show him how special he is to you? Something new?
Thanks for posing this question. I happened to pick up "The Love Dare" the last time I went book shopping but haven't had a chance to begin reading it yet, so I suppose this is a bit of a primer! As for my answers...

1. I make sure to call my DH every evening before I go to bed to tell him how much I love him. He's away at training in another state right now, and I know how much he misses us and needs that affirmation to maintain our connection.

2. I have a hard time giving up care of my children to babysitters; however, DH and I are dying to have some time to ourselves. That being said, I have decided that we will have a "Parents Afternoon Out" one Saturday per month (tandem nurslings need me to get them to bed, so no night out). I will get a reliable sitter for four or five hours so that we can have a nice lunch out, take a ballroom dance class together etc. and reconnect. DH really needs me alone now and then to feel appreciated.

I look forward to reading more responses!

Tabitha ~ devoted wife to my best friend Stephen ribbonyellow.gif and gentle Christian mom to six DSs: notes.gif E - 2/09/00REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifA - 3/05/03superhero.gifA- 6/05/06 guitar.gif H- 2/07/08 jog.gif J - 11/14/10 bouncy.gif T - 8/23/12 + stork-suprise.gif due 9/20/14!  brokenheart.gif DD Janae 10/19/09 angel2.gif
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#80 of 283 Old 02-02-2009, 05:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Has anyone here read The Love Dare? All the way through yet? I am wanting to get it so bad. My mom picked it up (though I don't know why) but I don't think she has read it.

I think it could really help most any marriage, if it is anything like the movie showed. And it should be since the movie came first.

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#81 of 283 Old 02-03-2009, 11:04 AM
 
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I won't fully post what I do but I do try once every other week or so to also make a special meal (even if it's just spaghetti) for us to eat alone together after the kids go to bed. We spent hours at night talking. I don't communicate with anyone as much as I do him- and he knows it.

To my husband I am wife, to my kids I am mother, but for myself I am just me.
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#82 of 283 Old 02-04-2009, 03:21 PM
 
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Has anyone here read The Love Dare? All the way through yet? I am wanting to get it so bad. My mom picked it up (though I don't know why) but I don't think she has read it.

I think it could really help most any marriage, if it is anything like the movie showed. And it should be since the movie came first.

I didn't make it through the whole book because it was due back at the library before I finished reading it and there were a bunch of holds on it.

What I did read, I really liked. Gives you new ways to look at old things.

I'll have to put another hold on the book so I can finish reading it...

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#83 of 283 Old 02-04-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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I won't fully post what I do but I do try once every other week or so to also make a special meal (even if it's just spaghetti) for us to eat alone together after the kids go to bed. We spent hours at night talking. I don't communicate with anyone as much as I do him- and he knows it.
My dh doesn't want to talk to me

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#84 of 283 Old 02-04-2009, 06:19 PM
 
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Hi ladies!

I guess this is kind of a strange place for me to be. I'm not a Christian but my husband is. I was raised Protestant but am not for many reasons... Yet who knows?! I just might find my place somewhere else and get back to the biblical part of this! Anyway, we have a pretty bad marriage, and I can certainly see how my surrendering/submitting/etc would help us a lot. It's so frightening, but divorce is even more frightening. And I don't want to go that route unless I know I've tried *everything* I can. Plus, I married a good man; I know I did. I just don't feel that way, KWIM? DH is away for training right now, and we probably won't see each other until march/April. So I thought this would be a good time for me to learn more about this and put whatever I can into practice, even with him away, and get used to the ideas here.

Has anyone read Fascinating Womanhood or its off-shoot Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood? If so, what do you think of it/them? And what about Laura Doyle's The Surrendered Wife? I'm waiting for all 3. Although I'm not after the biblical content at this point, I want what's best for us. If that means making DH our head of household, then I'll change to make it work! I don't expect it to be easy, but something has to be done here.

You may be seeing more of me soon, but definitely when DH is back with us.

Thanks!
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#85 of 283 Old 02-07-2009, 08:58 AM
 
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ReikiMommy....soooo....I know Dr Laura is like *totally* persona non-grata on MDC

But I think her Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is awesome. It's not even submission in the fundamentalist-Protestant sense. And she is a feminist. But it was all the things I believe and have seen to work from a secular, practical, logical view. Which is useful if you don't find Biblical arguments to have much validity.

One of the biggest things I have had to learn is not to let my feelings rule me. Emotions are *so* fickle. If I know rationally and logically that my dh is a good man, but for whatever reason my emotions are temporarily telling me he's evil, I ahve to step way back, calm way down, and work through the problem rationally and not emotionally. Just learning to do this one thing has helped our marriage so much. I can still disagree with my husband, and even verbalize it. But it doesn't cause a problem because I'm not doing it in a way that makes him the bad guy all the time, or in a way that makes him feel incompetant to lead. KWIM?
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#86 of 283 Old 02-07-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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Hi ladies!

I guess this is kind of a strange place for me to be. I'm not a Christian but my husband is. I was raised Protestant but am not for many reasons... Yet who knows?! I just might find my place somewhere else and get back to the biblical part of this! Anyway, we have a pretty bad marriage, and I can certainly see how my surrendering/submitting/etc would help us a lot. It's so frightening, but divorce is even more frightening. And I don't want to go that route unless I know I've tried *everything* I can. Plus, I married a good man; I know I did. I just don't feel that way, KWIM? DH is away for training right now, and we probably won't see each other until march/April. So I thought this would be a good time for me to learn more about this and put whatever I can into practice, even with him away, and get used to the ideas here.

Has anyone read Fascinating Womanhood or its off-shoot Secrets of Fascinating Womanhood? If so, what do you think of it/them? And what about Laura Doyle's The Surrendered Wife? I'm waiting for all 3. Although I'm not after the biblical content at this point, I want what's best for us. If that means making DH our head of household, then I'll change to make it work! I don't expect it to be easy, but something has to be done here.

You may be seeing more of me soon, but definitely when DH is back with us.

Thanks!
mama. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. I haven't any personal experience with those books, so hopefully someone else chimes in.

To my husband I am wife, to my kids I am mother, but for myself I am just me.
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#87 of 283 Old 02-09-2009, 05:56 PM
 
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ok ladies... I need some serious advise. this is so longwinded, so I apologize!

I NEVER talk bad about my husband to anyone. so this is hard for me to even bring up. My husband, who I admit is good at just about everything else, is a TERRIBLE money manager. It is causing us a lot of stress. we are so close and I love him so dearly but money management is a big issue. Now, it wouldn't be an issue if we had a lot of money perhaps - but we have little. and we have a lot of expenses because of my problems in pregnancy, my daughter's celiac disease and so forth. basically it requires a lot of money in supplements and special foods. any way you cut it GF is expensive. so what little money we do have is spent for us before we even get to smell it it seems!

My son needs an eye exam badly. he's having horrible vision headaches. well more like migraines - to the point he cries and cries b/c it hurts so bad. I've put it off as long as I could... but he really needs it. not having quite enough to go we talked it over and decided to ask if my parents wanted to chip in. They were totally cool with helping out : and gave me $100 towards it. Well for months now we had been planning an aquairum field trip that we got in for almost free b/c of a homeschooling discount. Now my son needs glasses, but we also wanted to take into factor that he is homeschooled, we just moved so he has had ZERO friends and NO playdates for 6 months. he isn't in a co op and misses our family and friends back home. Basically he is home all day every day unless it's trips to the grocery. he's a social kid and it's been really hard on him. He has been REALLY looking fwd to this. and for his sake, and the sake of family unity we decided even though it would be even more tight, it was the right choice.

well we went over our money for this next two weeks and he told me what bills were due, what money we had available etc etc... and we decided we had enough. (btw my parents new about the trip, so it's not like they thought we were just taking their money or whatever - they wanted my son to be able to go too. so no dishonesty there). we work it out that this week would be extra tight but do-able. it was great trip - totally worth it! we got to see friends and family and it was just plain good all around. SO glad we went. we were as thrifty as we could be with it so it was all good. no regrets.

until today. I was looking for the money I told my husband that I left on the desk in a cubby area so I could get my son's appt ready. I wanted to make sure the money was in a safe place still and find a good deal on an eye exam. but it wasn't where I left it. or anywhere else i could find it. so I emailed my husband. he responds. "I did a bad thing. I spent it at the aquarium b/c I forgot it was for he eye exam. I thought it was just some fun money your parents gave us for the kids so I figured we should use it on the trip"

*sigh*

I hold A LOT of respect for my husband. A LOT. I love him dearly, and i love his commitment to his family. I can't say that enough. But I am SO SO SO tired of this money mismanagement. I KNOW we'd not be rich by any stretch... but we would have enough money for an eye exam, for example. IN his eyes he made an honest mistake... but he was trying to use that "free" money wisely. so it's like beating a dead horse - all in all he fails to see why the mistake happened - b/c of bad planning and lack of communication or set up of how money should be used to begin with.

so the question begs... why don't I handle the money? well I used to! and I did a pretty good job... but it clearly made him feel very inferior. He wouldn't say why, but it affected our closeness and i know it hurt his feelings or whatever. (everyone has their right to crazy feelings). So I backed off. and now? well now I just do A LOT. I manage the home, cooking, kids, homeschooling and I am quite sick on light duty with this pregnancy. I just don't know how i could physically or emotionally take on another duty right now. and I know he is stressed to b/c he works and picks up on where I can't do extra b/c of being on light duty. he's no slacker or anything.

He thinks we have too little money to even try to budget. he says everytime we try to budget something come sup unexpectedly and blows the budget outta the water. to me though that's like saying why try to eat healthy b/c you never know when you might have to run to get fast food when you're in a pinch. *sigh* he doesn't see it my way.

so what do we do? I don't wish to disrespect him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. but I CAN NOT deal with this money mess. this lack of organization. I mean really... it's terrible. we never just go out and start buying whatever we want. it's not like that. it's just we have SO little allotted to us, that we need to be VERY careful. esp in this economy. we have NOTHING in savings. not a dime. and I'm worried.

any great ideas on how to approach this? My husband is usually very easy to talk to. but any time I bring up money he just tenses up. even if I try to be really cool about it. it's like I hit a total brick wall. he starts admitting how bad he is at it... and then nothing. no change. nada. same old over and over for 10 years. I'm feeling a bit irritated honestly. I don't want him to admit he's wrong... I want him to find a way (or help me find a way) to deal with it and fix it.

how can I bring this up and get him to listen? what could I do to make it easier for him to manage the money? and how do I not hurt his pride?

transtichel.gifMom of three - (2.5 yrs, 7yrs, and 11yrs). Birthing Doula, editor, and wife to my soulmate. I've had a c/s, hospital VBAC, UC and not yet decided what I'll do about this next little one

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#88 of 283 Old 02-10-2009, 01:06 PM
 
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ok ladies... I need some serious advise. this is so longwinded, so I apologize!

I NEVER talk bad about my husband to anyone. so this is hard for me to even bring up. My husband, who I admit is good at just about everything else, is a TERRIBLE money manager. It is causing us a lot of stress. we are so close and I love him so dearly but money management is a big issue. Now, it wouldn't be an issue if we had a lot of money perhaps - but we have little. and we have a lot of expenses because of my problems in pregnancy, my daughter's celiac disease and so forth. basically it requires a lot of money in supplements and special foods. any way you cut it GF is expensive. so what little money we do have is spent for us before we even get to smell it it seems!

My son needs an eye exam badly. he's having horrible vision headaches. well more like migraines - to the point he cries and cries b/c it hurts so bad. I've put it off as long as I could... but he really needs it. not having quite enough to go we talked it over and decided to ask if my parents wanted to chip in. They were totally cool with helping out : and gave me $100 towards it. Well for months now we had been planning an aquairum field trip that we got in for almost free b/c of a homeschooling discount. Now my son needs glasses, but we also wanted to take into factor that he is homeschooled, we just moved so he has had ZERO friends and NO playdates for 6 months. he isn't in a co op and misses our family and friends back home. Basically he is home all day every day unless it's trips to the grocery. he's a social kid and it's been really hard on him. He has been REALLY looking fwd to this. and for his sake, and the sake of family unity we decided even though it would be even more tight, it was the right choice.

well we went over our money for this next two weeks and he told me what bills were due, what money we had available etc etc... and we decided we had enough. (btw my parents new about the trip, so it's not like they thought we were just taking their money or whatever - they wanted my son to be able to go too. so no dishonesty there). we work it out that this week would be extra tight but do-able. it was great trip - totally worth it! we got to see friends and family and it was just plain good all around. SO glad we went. we were as thrifty as we could be with it so it was all good. no regrets.

until today. I was looking for the money I told my husband that I left on the desk in a cubby area so I could get my son's appt ready. I wanted to make sure the money was in a safe place still and find a good deal on an eye exam. but it wasn't where I left it. or anywhere else i could find it. so I emailed my husband. he responds. "I did a bad thing. I spent it at the aquarium b/c I forgot it was for he eye exam. I thought it was just some fun money your parents gave us for the kids so I figured we should use it on the trip"

*sigh*

I hold A LOT of respect for my husband. A LOT. I love him dearly, and i love his commitment to his family. I can't say that enough. But I am SO SO SO tired of this money mismanagement. I KNOW we'd not be rich by any stretch... but we would have enough money for an eye exam, for example. IN his eyes he made an honest mistake... but he was trying to use that "free" money wisely. so it's like beating a dead horse - all in all he fails to see why the mistake happened - b/c of bad planning and lack of communication or set up of how money should be used to begin with.

so the question begs... why don't I handle the money? well I used to! and I did a pretty good job... but it clearly made him feel very inferior. He wouldn't say why, but it affected our closeness and i know it hurt his feelings or whatever. (everyone has their right to crazy feelings). So I backed off. and now? well now I just do A LOT. I manage the home, cooking, kids, homeschooling and I am quite sick on light duty with this pregnancy. I just don't know how i could physically or emotionally take on another duty right now. and I know he is stressed to b/c he works and picks up on where I can't do extra b/c of being on light duty. he's no slacker or anything.

He thinks we have too little money to even try to budget. he says everytime we try to budget something come sup unexpectedly and blows the budget outta the water. to me though that's like saying why try to eat healthy b/c you never know when you might have to run to get fast food when you're in a pinch. *sigh* he doesn't see it my way.

so what do we do? I don't wish to disrespect him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. but I CAN NOT deal with this money mess. this lack of organization. I mean really... it's terrible. we never just go out and start buying whatever we want. it's not like that. it's just we have SO little allotted to us, that we need to be VERY careful. esp in this economy. we have NOTHING in savings. not a dime. and I'm worried.

any great ideas on how to approach this? My husband is usually very easy to talk to. but any time I bring up money he just tenses up. even if I try to be really cool about it. it's like I hit a total brick wall. he starts admitting how bad he is at it... and then nothing. no change. nada. same old over and over for 10 years. I'm feeling a bit irritated honestly. I don't want him to admit he's wrong... I want him to find a way (or help me find a way) to deal with it and fix it.

how can I bring this up and get him to listen? what could I do to make it easier for him to manage the money? and how do I not hurt his pride?
mama! Is there a pastor you can talk to? Does your church have someone in charge of stewardship?

To my husband I am wife, to my kids I am mother, but for myself I am just me.
we're : with and : and
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#89 of 283 Old 02-10-2009, 01:30 PM
 
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mama! Is there a pastor you can talk to? Does your church have someone in charge of stewardship?
ok forgive me - ANOTHER longwinded post ahead:

no we just moved and don't have a pastor yet unfortunately.

he came home last night from work and we had a long talk. he was much more open to talking this time and didn't clam up. so that was nice. He's really been making HUGE strides to put god and family first in his life this past year or so and it shows. this was just like this last little thing that wasn't changing. and we confronted it last night. we came up with a plan... since we're both discouraged about budgeting and what not (meaning it seems there is hardly enough there to budget) we decided to do this instead - for a whole month we're going to right down everything we spend. every single cent, and see where it goes. that way we can see where our money is going to and decide if there are ways to cut back or redistribute and in what areas we really can't cut corners in etc.

we decided that our biggest flaw as of late is burning out from discouragement. everytime we try a budget some crazy thing happens (like car dying or need new tires, or a kid gets sick) and it blows us out of our budget). we want to have money saved up for those things when they come, but we can't seem to get there! and it's SO discouraging to put so much work into a budget and find you did WORSE that month than the months before. so we have an issue with stick-with-it-ness I think...
well he totally heard me out and he got right on the computer with some money program he has (b/c he's a geek like that : ) and he started graphing all of our expenses. I was doing dishes and he would call out to me, "Guess how much she spent in groceries last month!?" and then he would tell me with pure and complete shock in his voice. and then a little while later "guess how much we spent in eating out last month?" followed by another shocking amount. etc etc etc...

I think it really knocked into him the realization that we do in fact mismanage our money. I told him it's okay that we choose to spend our money on certain things we like - so long as we are making EDUCATED decisions on it. I think the thing is both of our parents were terrible with money. still are. both makes tons of money but have trouble meeting their bills. but i will SURELY teach my kids how to manage money - as it's no fun learning as an adult! and I think it was stuck in his head that we dont have much money so it's not even worth trying to budget it.

it's weird b/c in every other way we live very intentionally. like we're the oddballs, b/c we refuse to by new clothing, and we only shop thrifts, and he only works 35hrs a week b/c of his commitment to being with our kids, and unschooll etc etc. but with money it was like we're totally confused as to what to do. we're both so used to be poor (truly we both were growing up and for years in our marriage we made less than 15k!) we didn't know what to do when we got a little.

anyhow, basically i think he realized how bad off our money issue is. after this month we will talk about what we think we can re-assign and what just is. (for instance our grocery budget is much larger than average as we are gf/cf, eat organically as much as possible, and I'm pretty sick with this pregnancy so I'm not the best at making every single meal from scratch - though I try.) but we could work *something* out I am sure!

when we first married i took over the finances. I had our grocery budget down to 40$ a week!!! oh my goodness it was awesome! but.... things have changed. my dd and I have celiac, my son is allergic to milk, and we put a lot of concern into where our foods come from (you are what you eat). but still... I think we should work within a frame work, you know? not always so willy-nilly! and i see no reason we couldn't have afforded getting my son's eye exam this week if we had been more conscientious with the money. I think that double of guilt will help us remember how important it is.

transtichel.gifMom of three - (2.5 yrs, 7yrs, and 11yrs). Birthing Doula, editor, and wife to my soulmate. I've had a c/s, hospital VBAC, UC and not yet decided what I'll do about this next little one

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#90 of 283 Old 02-10-2009, 01:45 PM
 
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ok forgive me - ANOTHER longwinded post ahead:

no we just moved and don't have a pastor yet unfortunately.

he came home last night from work and we had a long talk. he was much more open to talking this time and didn't clam up. so that was nice. He's really been making HUGE strides to put god and family first in his life this past year or so and it shows. this was just like this last little thing that wasn't changing. and we confronted it last night. we came up with a plan... since we're both discouraged about budgeting and what not (meaning it seems there is hardly enough there to budget) we decided to do this instead - for a whole month we're going to right down everything we spend. every single cent, and see where it goes. that way we can see where our money is going to and decide if there are ways to cut back or redistribute and in what areas we really can't cut corners in etc.

we decided that our biggest flaw as of late is burning out from discouragement. everytime we try a budget some crazy thing happens (like car dying or need new tires, or a kid gets sick) and it blows us out of our budget). we want to have money saved up for those things when they come, but we can't seem to get there! and it's SO discouraging to put so much work into a budget and find you did WORSE that month than the months before. so we have an issue with stick-with-it-ness I think...
well he totally heard me out and he got right on the computer with some money program he has (b/c he's a geek like that : ) and he started graphing all of our expenses. I was doing dishes and he would call out to me, "Guess how much she spent in groceries last month!?" and then he would tell me with pure and complete shock in his voice. and then a little while later "guess how much we spent in eating out last month?" followed by another shocking amount. etc etc etc...

I think it really knocked into him the realization that we do in fact mismanage our money. I told him it's okay that we choose to spend our money on certain things we like - so long as we are making EDUCATED decisions on it. I think the thing is both of our parents were terrible with money. still are. both makes tons of money but have trouble meeting their bills. but i will SURELY teach my kids how to manage money - as it's no fun learning as an adult! and I think it was stuck in his head that we dont have much money so it's not even worth trying to budget it.

it's weird b/c in every other way we live very intentionally. like we're the oddballs, b/c we refuse to by new clothing, and we only shop thrifts, and he only works 35hrs a week b/c of his commitment to being with our kids, and unschooll etc etc. but with money it was like we're totally confused as to what to do. we're both so used to be poor (truly we both were growing up and for years in our marriage we made less than 15k!) we didn't know what to do when we got a little.

anyhow, basically i think he realized how bad off our money issue is. after this month we will talk about what we think we can re-assign and what just is. (for instance our grocery budget is much larger than average as we are gf/cf, eat organically as much as possible, and I'm pretty sick with this pregnancy so I'm not the best at making every single meal from scratch - though I try.) but we could work *something* out I am sure!

when we first married i took over the finances. I had our grocery budget down to 40$ a week!!! oh my goodness it was awesome! but.... things have changed. my dd and I have celiac, my son is allergic to milk, and we put a lot of concern into where our foods come from (you are what you eat). but still... I think we should work within a frame work, you know? not always so willy-nilly! and i see no reason we couldn't have afforded getting my son's eye exam this week if we had been more conscientious with the money. I think that double of guilt will help us remember how important it is.
I'm glad you guys were able to have a good productive talk!! I know me and DH are constantly struggling with the "little" things that add up and end up costing us a ton every monthg... like every time we get gas we get something to drink, you know? We are trying really hard to track our spending too...

Rachel, proud Army wife to my superhero.gif and SAHM to my crazy boys jumpers.gif... Trevor 4/08, Trenton 6/09 and Travis 10/10
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