~*Biblical Marriage with Wifely Submission #14 2010*~ - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-08-2010, 09:34 PM
 
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Hi ladies, I am not wife yet, but will be in less than three weeks (ack!) and this is something we are trying to apply to our relationship. I hope I can join you.

Our pastor has recently done a series on Christian families, including a sermon on being a Christian wife as directed in Ephesians. If anyone is interested, you can hear it online here. He also did a sermon on being a Christian husband that you can find by clicking on "Sermons" in the navigation bar at the top of the page.

Wife to DH (06/10) and Mummy to DD (07/08).

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Old 06-09-2010, 10:21 AM
 
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Like I said--there needs to be an anchor with which to hold your beliefs unwavering and something to make you accountable for your (the generic your) actions. Without that--folks can rationalize anything--there's milk in icecream so it's good for me.

BTW--I love your kids' names. Fabulous!

Crunchy con wife with 1 DS and 1 lil DD born in Jan. I love breastfeeding, CDing and Friday night family bed.
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Old 06-12-2010, 08:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by fierrbugg View Post
jewellz: for everything that is happening in your life. How are you doing? Do we have a new bouncing kiddo, yet?
Wow what a lot going on in your life! Hope it all goes good.
AFM: Doing ok. Other then hubby still not having a job (We really could use prayers that he gets one soon) and baby girl not sleeping very well right now and my thyroid meds needing regulation right now (always happens after giving birth) then postpartum life right now is really pretty good.
Here is our birth story:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1231812

Wife to DH(10/02) Mom to DD1('03), angel1.gif('04), DS1('05), DD2('07), DS2('08), DD3('10) angel1.gif(08/11), angel1.gif (09/11). We follow Jesus, praying.gif, quiverful, homeschool.gif,cd.gif ,winner.jpg,familybed1.gif,femalesling.GIF, and we are a food allergic family.

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Old 06-19-2010, 05:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just bumping us back up to the first page!

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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Old 06-20-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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Anyway, all of a sudden mil has decided that to get close to us again, she looooves our little bible thumping church and now expects us to come and get her every weekend to take her to church. Normally we feed her too. I feel bad, but having to figure out how to get the gas $ to drive 80 miles every weekend to go pick her up, feed her, and take her home again irks me. I know it's selfish, and I know that I should do this with a glad heart. Dh doesn't like being her taxi on a limited income either, but says well what are we going to do? And maybe this is a way for my mother to get right with God in her old age. Plus we're trying to jumpstart a Total Money Makeover ala Dave Ramsey in 2010 on just dh's salary and my unemployment. He's going to have to work OT to accomplish this especially until I can find a job. While I see the ministry aspect of picking mil up, I'm bogged down by implications on our very tight budget. I'm praying that I will find the way to do this with a sincere and not grumpy heart. In the mean time, does anyone have any words of wisdom or suggestions on how to fake it?
About mother in laws.

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife, and the two will be one flesh’? (Matt 19:5, Gen 2:6)

If picking your MIL everyweek is such a burden perhaps you can ask her to help pay atleast the trip to her house and back and maybe she can pay for supper 1/2 the time. If she is sincere about enjoying your church so much it is the least she can do. But if she is using it simply to hold power over you via Hubby then i'd quote the above. Its a hard thing for a man to leave his mother. But it is scriptural. hope that helps.
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Old 06-20-2010, 10:47 PM
 
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Last year we had friends over, well my husbands co worker and his family. He is very verbal about how his wife rules the roost. But my husband mentioned that he was head of his household (JW are supposed to respect Jehovah God's Arrangements even the one on Headship within the family and within the congregation- but some dont) so they asked ME!

I told them DH listens to my concerns and opinions but his decision is the final one. Fortunately sometimes he takes my advise and decides how i suggested which suits me fine but i respect his headship.

They still cant believe it. Now it was a challenge for both of us to follow headship and sometimes i forget because he is gone 5-6 days a week and i have gotten a talking to by him because of decisions i made about house or yard without so much as asking him but it works so much better now that he takes the lead.
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Old 06-21-2010, 12:03 AM
 
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If picking your MIL everyweek is such a burden perhaps you can ask her to help pay atleast the trip to her house and back and maybe she can pay for supper 1/2 the time. If she is sincere about enjoying your church so much it is the least she can do. But if she is using it simply to hold power over you via Hubby then i'd quote the above. Its a hard thing for a man to leave his mother. But it is scriptural. hope that helps.
Thank you. I pray so hard to be kind to her or at least tolerate her as mil has been a HUGE point of contention in our marriage from day one. When I first met her she was talking to dh like she was 2 y/o. Literally in a baby voice. It took years for her to STOP. I've always had the feeling that she planned to grow old w/ dh taking care of her. Actually his very ill grandmother lived w/ them starting when dh was 16 y/o and mil looks at it like it was this great experience - but really is changing your grandmother's diapers a great experience? Really???? She's also been hinting for years that she wants to come live w/ us - but dh has told her that will never happen.

We lived next door to her in an apt. complex for the first 2 years of our marriage and when I finally convinced dh to move (this after 2 years of fighting non-stop about her intrusions and constant manipulation and little did I know then that she could hear EVERYTHING through the walls) - she refused to speak to dh for 2 weeks before we moved.

Luckily dh has come to the conclusion that if mil wants to come to our church - if she's sincere then she will call us - and she hasn't come to church since we got baptized on 5/01. We went on a trip last week and mil dog-sat for 2 days, in which time she cleaned my entire kitchen, turned some of my towels gray and did other things I'm just now finding. She also found time when we got back and before we drove her back home to tell me how to clean my dishes from now on, announced that she works really hard not to put dh between us, she's smoking again (I think she wanted us to scold her?), and asked us what we thought her calling was (she's reading Purpose Driven Life and it says to ask?) and concluded that it must be caring for others because she so clearly does. She'd conveniently worked so hard cleaning my dirty house that her back was spasaming and she can't drive after taking oxy - we were exhausted from the trip and let her stay the night. The next day was my b-day - I enjoyed the lectures and drama.

~T | head-strong ap mama to 2 fur-kids | TTC since 2001 | remembering 8/00, 5/04, 1/07 & fur-kids, Apollo (04/03-12/09), Bella (04/06-06/12) & Keevah (06/03-04/14)
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Old 06-23-2010, 10:17 AM
 
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Hubby and I were married at 19 after about 4 months of dating exclusively (4 months tops). We are now nearly 33 with 2 kids. I must say, at the time of our marriage we lived about 400 mi away from all family. Invaluable experience. Of late, the buffer zone is shrinking. That and other issues are causing heartburn here and there we'll survive in part thanks to early buffer zones.

Crunchy con wife with 1 DS and 1 lil DD born in Jan. I love breastfeeding, CDing and Friday night family bed.
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Old 06-23-2010, 05:47 PM
 
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Hubby and I were married at 19 after about 4 months of dating exclusively (4 months tops). We are now nearly 33 with 2 kids. I must say, at the time of our marriage we lived about 400 mi away from all family. Invaluable experience. Of late, the buffer zone is shrinking. That and other issues are causing heartburn here and there we'll survive in part thanks to early buffer zones.
I really wish we'd had that. Instead we spent our 'honey moon' year fighting about her constantly. I know she loved it. We have always wanted to own a little homestead somewhere and now that we're losing our house it may be more of a possibility. If we move back to the midwest where I'm from and would like to go - we'd be 1300 miles away from her. I hope she wouldn't follow us but realistically she probably would - even if we only moved to the North of the state which would only be about 150 miles.

I'm also having issues w/ mil in my own mind as of late because of dh's affair. Obviously it was his choice to run away from God and betray our marriage vows - and I can't even tell you how much God has taken dh in hand and completely reformed him - it's been very awesome to see Him work in our life. He's put amazing God-fearing male mentors in dh's path and I'm very proud of dh for all of the progress that he's made. Obviously there is more to it than that - but we're in couseling and working toward true restoration. Still it's sometimes difficult to be a submitted wife when I want to beat dh senseless for this mess.

I do however wonder what kind of an effect mil's long term 30+ year affair (and at least 2 other shorter affairs that I know of) had on dh growing up. Although he isn't fond of her choices, it's kind of interesting how he repeated them. And as a dw having to deal with a dh who stepped outside of my marriage - I am having a much more difficult time putting up with mil - an other woman who felt she was entitled to a relationship with her married affair partner. Technically she was married during most of it too - although she and dh's bio-dad were estranged to the point that they hadn't layed eyes on each since dh was a baby and didn't know that bio-dad had died in the mid-1990's until like 2005.

Of course I'm sure the affair makes it more difficult to attend church with us. Pastor talks about it alot - making the the comment that the only people who get upset when he talks about infidelity are those are doing it - and know they shouldn't be. I think it's difficult for dh to hear, who has repented and changed alot, it can't be easy for mil who might be seeing the long term affair partner again.

ETA: mil did call to apologize for the first time EVER earlier this week about her inappropriate behavior on my b-day - so that was unexpected, but very nice (or all part of her diabolical plan?)

~T | head-strong ap mama to 2 fur-kids | TTC since 2001 | remembering 8/00, 5/04, 1/07 & fur-kids, Apollo (04/03-12/09), Bella (04/06-06/12) & Keevah (06/03-04/14)
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Old 07-10-2010, 09:15 PM
 
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Hi Mamas. I'm new to this thread and also a new Christian (God's been working on me for 6+ years and I've finally seen the light). Anyway, what does it mean to "submit" to my husband. Can you tell me more?

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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Old 07-10-2010, 10:35 PM
 
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I think everyone will give you a slightly different answer, but for us it means that he is the head of our home, the leader or whatever. We are a team, and we discuss all decisions but in the end the ball in his court. The one exception to this, for us, is finances. He is admittedly horrible with money and is gone half the time (military) so he has asked me to be in charge of the money and paying bills and that sort of thing. I might not have explained that very well... being pregnant ad having 2 toddlers seems to be eating my brain.

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Old 07-11-2010, 01:34 AM
 
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Hi Mamas. I'm new to this thread and also a new Christian (God's been working on me for 6+ years and I've finally seen the light). Anyway, what does it mean to "submit" to my husband. Can you tell me more?
For us, wifely submission is defined by Ephesians 5:22-33. More specifically for our home, we really like the Love and Respect concept by Emerson Eggerichs. Ultimately it is a different decision for each household - and I'm sure the other ladies on the thread will have other great books for you to check out. For instance unlike Chely, we do finances together - dh is home 20 days a month. But I make the decisions about the household (decor, groceries, meals, etc.) - we try to make decisions together, but at the very least with everything we do I get a say and ultimately I trust in God and dh that dh will make the right decisions for our family.

~T | head-strong ap mama to 2 fur-kids | TTC since 2001 | remembering 8/00, 5/04, 1/07 & fur-kids, Apollo (04/03-12/09), Bella (04/06-06/12) & Keevah (06/03-04/14)
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Old 07-12-2010, 12:36 AM
 
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More specifically for our home, we really like the Love and Respect concept by Emerson Eggerichs. Ultimately it is a different decision for each household
Yes to both statements. "Love and Respect" really helped me understand the dynamic that was going on with me and dh. It took several years of trying and failing on my part (and on his, I guess, but I don't know what God was doing in his heart) before we were able to get into a pattern of mutual kindness and respect. First I went to the extreme of "Whatever you say dear", and he went to the extreme of never expressing an opinion. So we were both resenting feeling "unheard", and both felt like the other was trying to overrun the relationship. Big, big mess. So then we were both angry and "fighting for our rights", and that was another big mess.

We are still working things out, and not perfect. I'm sure after him being away as long as he has, there will be some changes and adjustments as we settle back into life together. But how it was working was that he is sort of the guy at the helm, pointing the ship so to speak. But he desires my honest input, and will change course due to my input at times. Meanwhile I try not to be sitting on his shoulder going "No! NOO! Not like that! Not over there! Go the other way! NOW!".

The biggest submission issue we had recently was him going to his home country for a year. I did not like that at all. He didn't like it either but felt it was the best option and that there probably wouldn't be another opportunity like this (timing, financially, the kids being young enough not to be too bothered). We talked about other options, he knew I had a different opinion, but I told him that I would submit to this, as a one-time, strictly defined period in our life. On his part, in spite of having some lingering "issues" with my parents, he suggested that the kids and I stay with them for the duration, because he wanted us to be as safe, comfortable, and happy as possible while he was away and he knew that would be the best place for us. So even submitting to something, I know I have a husband who is concerned about his family and our best interests, and that he's not just making random, irrational decisions or ignoring our needs.

In the smaller, day-to-day stuff. I'm pretty much responsible for the household budget and how it runs. Unless the spending is crazy high or he notices me coming home with shopping bags every day, he doesn't question me on what I buy and when. We have a mutually agreed upon desire for frugality and a simple life. I spend more than he would spend on himself, but even though he'd rather spend less money, he does enjoy the benefits of that spending, in terms of comfort and good eating. He does most of the management for our rental properties, and the smaller decisions with those. However, he brings me along for my "approval" to houses he wants to invest in and my name is on every one of them. This year when he's been gone has clarified how well those roles fit. I am *not* management material. Have done my best, but just can't do it like he does. And lacking a wife in the home, he's been feeding himself boiled potatoes and onions cooked on a hotplate in his rented room. Poor thing. I'll be glad when he's home for good and we can go back to normal.
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Old 07-13-2010, 04:16 PM
 
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Thanks Mamas! I ordered the book mentioned. I'm definitely willing to learn more about God's plan for marriage.

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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Old 07-17-2010, 12:33 AM
 
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I read the proper care and feeding of a marriage and the proper care and feeding of a husband and I loved them, it really changed my perspective on relationships, i recommend them.

A Toronto born young mama blowkiss.giffreshly moved for a new adventure in ALBERTA! with Superdaddy superhero.gifand her intact and vax free, breastfed and babyworn Aug09 babenono02.gif attending college for early childhood educationwhale.gif   and being blessed with #2 just in time for Valentines Dayheartbeat.gif pos.gif

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Old 07-17-2010, 12:42 PM
 
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I read the proper care and feeding of a marriage and the proper care and feeding of a husband and I loved them, it really changed my perspective on relationships, i recommend them.
I agree with that. I think they're particularly useful because they're from a secular (or at least non-Christian pov) and the author is most definitely not a "doormat" or a "weak woman".
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:44 AM
 
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I haven't read all the post. But I love this group. I have been married for almost 10 years. We have had a very rocky road to say the least. I struggle in the area of submission. I really want this for my relationship. However, I problems comes in spiritually. I feel like I am the one who spends time with the Lord and constantly seeking him about decisions that need to be made. Whereas my husband just wants to make rational decisions without praying. I pray about eveything. We got married really young and over time we have evolved into being totally different people and I hopes and vision for our family are opposite.
I am clueless in what to do in these situations and the more I grow the more apparent it is to me that we are not on the same page. Please chime in!!
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:52 PM
 
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Is it alright if I follow along to learn more?

I'm weary of my role in my marriage.

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Old 08-12-2010, 07:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I told them DH listens to my concerns and opinions but his decision is the final one. Fortunately sometimes he takes my advise and decides how i suggested which suits me fine but i respect his headship.
Kindermama: This sums up how we run our marriage. We discuss major choices but he makes the final call. He's also given me the main decision making in a lot of parenting/household related things because I have more time to research out. For instance, he doesn't REALLY have an opinion on how long to rear-face in a carseat, but I did the research and gave him a few facts and he supports it. When we picked up and moved after he quit his job (like, we moved a week later) we discussed it and then he decided we were moving on. I felt good about it because I knew he listened to how I felt (We were on the same page but we aren't always)

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Is it alright if I follow along to learn more?

I'm weary of my role in my marriage.
You are very welcome to do so! Feel free to read some of the past threads too!

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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Just wanted to send an update that we added baby girl #2 to our family this week! I'm interested to see how it changes the shape of our family and what new challenges it brings when it comes to submission. If anyone has any great advice for me, I would take it!

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Old 08-12-2010, 10:13 PM
 
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Mozel Tov!!!! God Bless!!! Congrads!!!!
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Old 08-16-2010, 11:42 AM
 
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I have been looking for a group like you ladies for a while on here!!

My name's Becca. I'm 27. DH is going to be 29 in about a month. We have two wonderful children, Arianna (3) and Jonas (18 months today ). We are TTC#3, but casually charting this cycle, as I'm expecting my basal thermometer in the mail today.

I have gotten a lot of flack on other threads for my submissiveness, especially when it came to my second c-section. DH's job was particularly difficult to take vacation at the end of the month, so when my (lying--I won't go into it) doctor said DS wasn't even engaged at 38 weeks (37 by my books), we elected to do a c-section at hubby's request. I got a lot of "your body, your baby, your decision" thrown at me, and I just don't see it that way. For the life of me, I can't find the verse that says our bodies are no longer our own, but even if that wasn't the case, our child's health is both of our interest, and he has an equal take in deciding what happens to it.

Anyway, I am so thankful to find this group!!

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Old 08-17-2010, 11:24 PM
 
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So, I'm back! I read Sacred Influence and in the short time since I've read the book, I feel a huge shift underway in my marriage! I have pretty much worn the pants in this relationship and did so in quite a manipulative way, honestly! Somehow the book really resonated with me and I found that after I made several changes on my end in my marriage, I am way way less anxious. I had to go back and forgive myself and ask forgiveness for the things I have done to hurt my marriage and my DH. I have actually lost 7lbs because I haven't been emotionally eating that stress away. It's like it just evaporated from my heart. I feel so much more in alignment with God's plan for my life and my marriage. It really opened my eyes. So, thank you for the recommendation. OT: I've been reading Grace Based Parenting and it's moving me in the same way! I feel like my day is almost a constant prayer as I realize bit by bit where I've been lead astray in my life and how to get back on the path where I belong!

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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Old 08-18-2010, 06:01 PM
 
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So, I'm back! I read Sacred Influence and in the short time since I've read the book, I feel a huge shift underway in my marriage! I have pretty much worn the pants in this relationship and did so in quite a manipulative way, honestly! Somehow the book really resonated with me and I found that after I made several changes on my end in my marriage, I am way way less anxious. I had to go back and forgive myself and ask forgiveness for the things I have done to hurt my marriage and my DH. I have actually lost 7lbs because I haven't been emotionally eating that stress away. It's like it just evaporated from my heart. I feel so much more in alignment with God's plan for my life and my marriage. It really opened my eyes. So, thank you for the recommendation. OT: I've been reading Grace Based Parenting and it's moving me in the same way! I feel like my day is almost a constant prayer as I realize bit by bit where I've been lead astray in my life and how to get back on the path where I belong!
I love the bolded part. I read this book while we were seperated last year and it just felt like it kept kicking me in the head over and over and over again. In a good way if such a thing exists. But like you, it completely openned my eyes to the role I played in my marriage and how I needed to change. I still find myself going back and rereading at least a chapter a month, just to refresh myself on the information. So glad you liked it and it's helping to effect a positive change in you (and your marriage).

Glad that getting marriage and parenting in line is working so well for you. Isn't it amazing how things just fall into place when we stop fighting God and start listening to Him? Also wanted to add that there's also a Sacred Parenting book - haven't read it myself - so idk what all it entails, but fyi. There's also a Sacred Marriage which is for both spouses to read should they choose - I have it, but it's on the long list of things to read.

ETA: Welcome, Becca.

~T | head-strong ap mama to 2 fur-kids | TTC since 2001 | remembering 8/00, 5/04, 1/07 & fur-kids, Apollo (04/03-12/09), Bella (04/06-06/12) & Keevah (06/03-04/14)
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Old 08-19-2010, 12:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by JacquelineR View Post
I may not be Christian, but I'm not opposed to using the Bible as a moral compass or a book from which to learn many good lessons. That probably sounds really odd but... I learned a long time ago that I cannot be a healthy Christian. I border on fanatical if not treading directly into that territory. So I choose not to be a Christian, even if I agree with many of the teachings. (Again, that probably sounds silly/odd but it is what I've learned about myself.)
No offense taken, just wanted to share my stance.
I understand this. I tend towards legalism "I am good because I do this and this and this" It got to the point where bible-reading was a chore and a mark of how good I was. So I stopped. God has been teaching me that he loves me as I am, reading the bible or not. I don't seek to be a "good-girl" anymore but it doesn't matter because I am starting to realize I am God's girl. I pray for a desire to read sometimes and I can feel it coming (very)gradually but I had to get out from under this, and other, "christian" rituals to feel close to God again. The rituals were actually working to drive a wedge between God and I. You know how they say it's not a religion but a relationship? That feels so real now, before it just sounded like more christian-ease. I guess what I wanted to tell you is that God is not limited by words, and "christian" is just a word. His grace and love surpass the words you choose, or choose not, to define yourself. He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.
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Old 08-27-2010, 12:54 PM
 
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Hello Ladies!!

I was hoping for some help/advice about my mil. She was a single mom and there are alot of things she ignored about dh's childhood - because it was inconvenient for her - ok she mostly ignored him and put him in some pretty precarious situations as a small child. It was before my time granted, but I see the trickle affect of some of those things in dh today, especially with the way he relates to women and it breaks my heart and yeah makes me very mad. She's also morally bankrupt - has been having an affair w/ a married man for over 30 years - and as wife who is dealing with a former wayward dh, she is a major trigger for me sometimes, because she's so nonchalant about it all like she's entitled to another woman's husband. :Puke Add toxic and master manipulation and it's just a train wreck. About a year ago I felt prompted to get it all out on the table w/ her and ask for forgiveness. I did tell her that it was important that she and dh have a relationship, but she took it as an invitation to come roaring back into our lives at warp speed. She was everywhere - telling dh she wasn't the one who put him in between us, telling me on my bday that I was a lousy housekeeper (she did apologize about a week later), but she's just a circus of narcisism and I really believe that the evil one uses her against me. idk if that makes sense. I try very hard to be kind, loving, get out of the way when she's around, go somewhere else in the house, stare off into the distance, pray about having a kinder heart (not working so far, but still praying and trying to be kinder) etc. But inevitably she gets my goat and then I make dh pay for weeks. I am working on stopping that because it's not his fault. I guess I'm just a big work in progress.

Anyway, yesterday she called my cell phone and I hate answering the phone for the most part. I would rather get a text message any day of the week - from anyone - even my mom or siblings, even friends I see on a regular basis - idk why that is, it just is. But I was busy at the time - so I handed the phone to dh (he does this frequently when my mother calls any of our phones too). Mil wants me to look for some yarn her walmart ran out of for a quilt she's making for dh. Ok, no problem - I write down the color # and say bye. She calls back again - I hand the phone to dh again - still busy. She wants to clarify the type of yarn - yes I know - no problem I will look when I run errands tomorrow. Dh and I had to run to the store because I was missing a key component for dinner. While we're out (about an hour after mil's calls) she calls dh's cell phone hysterical. I could hear her hollering from the passenger seat. She says she gets 'it' that I can't even answer the phone when she calls. That she understands now that I hate her. Dh explains that he hands the phone to me all of the time when my mother calls - we just assume parents are calling for their respective child - regardless of the phone (sometimes I forget my cell and my mom will call dh's - it's actually pretty common in our house). He explains that we were just on our way to look at Michaels for her yarn. That it wasn't a problem at all. She's saying things like she knows our marriage is important and she's going to step back - he doens't need to worry about her anymore. don't even bother about the yarn.

When dh gets off of the phone he starts hollering at me about how this stuff with mil needs to stop and we need to stop putting him in the middle. He says that mil and I need to have the discussion and say all of the things we need to say to each other and get it out in the open. That given the choice he's always going to choose me, but that she's his mother and until one of us dies - we're all 3 going to have to deal w/ each other. He calls her after we get home - she was on speaker phone but he didn't tell her - and says the same thing to her. She says again that she knows our marriage is important and he doesn't need to worry about her anymore. Focus on your marriage. Then she says that she thought a year ago that the door was back open to her and she's had it slammed back in her face (yep it's all my fault, I am after all evil). Since she didn't know I was right there I chose not to say anything - figured that would be really mean, so I just remained quiet. But of course this insanity ruined our whole night - yeah we let it. We fought about it until midnight. Dh now says that as a matter of showing respect to him, I must talk with mil. I have always tried to avoid conflict with her (other than that lunch a year ago where I thought it was all out on the table and yes did tell her that she is his mother and they do need to see each other, I did not mean she needed to invade my life and tell me what a scum sucker I am on a regular basis). I don't see the point of having a huge arguement with her about this. Telling her that I find her extremely narcisistic and manipulative and mean isn't going to do anything. Hearing that I'm selfish and mean and oppressive, a lousy housekeeper and stealing her baby isn't going to accomplish anything. I understand where dh is coming from because he is caught in the middle - I don't feel that I put him in that place. I really feel like when I met him mil had decided dh was going to cater to her every need for the rest of her life (she even talked to him like she was 2 - saying things like hambooger and I is scared) and she was extremely jealous of me. From the beginning she made me feel like an outsider. I have tried to stay out of her way because she doesn't get to see dh alot - but when she does he's just drained for a few days. I know I don't help by freaking out for a few days about how mean she was to me. Like I said working on that part.

But so now I'm faced with having it out with mil or dh thinking I'm not being respectful of him - which I don't get at all. I told him that I don't want to be the cause of the end of their relationship and he says if that's what happens it does. He knows his mother is manipulative and self-centered and he does the minimum of what he is 'contractually' obligated to do because she's family. A dear friend of mine suggested approaching it from the ok, we both love dh - what can we do to alleviate the burden of this relationship on him? We're never going to be friends, but can we be civil? angle. Suggestions? Biblical references? I know I need to get the toxic inlaws book - probably need to own more of the situation too - but first thing's first. *breathe*

~T | head-strong ap mama to 2 fur-kids | TTC since 2001 | remembering 8/00, 5/04, 1/07 & fur-kids, Apollo (04/03-12/09), Bella (04/06-06/12) & Keevah (06/03-04/14)
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Old 08-27-2010, 01:31 PM
 
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fierrbugg- Do we have the same MIL???? I'm always getting into it with my husband and MIL. She does not talk to me now. And for me it is effect my children. I growup with my husband and mil. SO I know that she was/is a bad person. She did many things to my husband when he was young. And I know that she knows that I know and my whole family know.

I want her to have a relationship with my boys. BUT I will NOT leave her alone w/them. That makes things hard too.

She does one thing that really gets me going. She gives my sons presents on the other grandchildren's B-days. I hate that and she knows it. I believe that if it is your B-day then it is your B-day. YU get the gifts and only the B-day girl/boy. I have ask her many many times and she keeps doing it. NOT for anyother reson but that I hate it. HATE IT

I try very hard to leave it to the Lord. I try to stay away from her. I try to be polite to her in font of my children and leave it at that. SO I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try not to sin. I try to be nice and not get into it with her.

OH one more thing. I did sit down and talk to her many times and all I get from her is how BAD I am and how wonderful she is.

This is the woman that told me at my wedding that "I don't like you BUT I will deal with you" I was still in my wedding dress!!!!!
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Old 08-27-2010, 02:12 PM
 
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I try very hard to leave it to the Lord. I try to stay away from her. I try to be polite to her in font of my children and leave it at that. SO I guess what I'm trying to say is that I try not to sin. I try to be nice and not get into it with her.

OH one more thing. I did sit down and talk to her many times and all I get from her is how BAD I am and how wonderful she is.

This is the woman that told me at my wedding that "I don't like you BUT I will deal with you" I was still in my wedding dress!!!!!
Love that last bit.

The bolded part is me too. I try very hard to just shut up and keep my head down, stay out of her way for the few hours we see her and keep my comments to myself. For instance mil going on and on and on about what a wonderful mother she was and how great dh turned out. Let's not mention the physical abuse dh endured as a child at the hands of his caretakers or the fact that she was saying this about 6 months since the end of his affair - but yeah she did a stellar job and he was a great guy at that point (yes, he's made leaps and bounds since that point - but egads - give me a break, lady).

And I found that sitting down with her also accomplished nothing. Yes I was able to let go of the animosity I had about the way she treated me at the beginning of our marriage - we lived next door to her for 2 years and it was awful. But there's a whole host of new meanness and abuse to deal with. It didn't make things better - it just gave her an 'in' to be more mean and self-centered. She does things to act out - she started smoking again - even though all of her doctors have told her she will die if she continues - and she announced it to us saying that we were going to be so angry with her. No, you're a grown woman, if you want to die, keep smoking. Also I think dh got over being angry with her about it when he begged her as a child to stop and she refused.

And while her affair was off for alot of the last few years, she's seeing him again and I don't want to hear stories about the married jerk-off who has been cheating on his wife for 30+ years and who treated dh like crap through most of his childhood. For us, sitting down for 'the talk' didn't do much except make mil think she could continue to be abusive. And make excuses about how dh could never be the man he said he was pre-affair (and by the grace of God has actually become since). You see mil didn't raise dh going to church so my expectations that he be spiritual hoh were WAY off. Urm, really? Some of the most spiritual people I know, didn't grow up attending church (and conversly some of the least spiritual did).

So, yes I'm angry and while I have a right to be angry - I need to be less destructive about it. I did finally admit in marriage counseling a few months ago that I do hate mil - for what she did to dh as a child and I'm working on getting past that. I wans't there and yeah it's affected alot of the issues that I now have to deal with because I love dh and his childhood affected the way he relates to others - I just need to get past mil's involvement and focus on my dh and marriage.

In the mean time I do not want to have this discussion with mil - but supposedly she's going to call me today sometime? idk. If I'm running my errands I will be ignoring her - like I want to have this discussion in the bread aisle.

ETA: I did just find this article about boundaries w/ in-laws. I have been meaning to get the Boundaries in Marriage book for a while - my reading list is soooo long. But wanted so share the article w/ you.

~T | head-strong ap mama to 2 fur-kids | TTC since 2001 | remembering 8/00, 5/04, 1/07 & fur-kids, Apollo (04/03-12/09), Bella (04/06-06/12) & Keevah (06/03-04/14)
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Old 08-27-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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Both my MIL and my own Mom are quite mad at times. Very difficult to get along with at times, and just plain weird most of the time. But then so is all our family.

But, when I hear about such difficult things in MIL relationships, I have to thank God that I have the MIL and Mom that I have.

I don't have any advice for you, other than to take a deep breath, pray, and do what you gotta do.

I, personally, would tell DH that I could not have another "show down" with MIL. Nothing good could come of it, and it is only guaranteed to add more stress. With MIL playing the maryter and victim, and me coming off the "evil DIL". If a "showdown" was in order, I would insist that DH was there, did all the talking, witnessed every word that was said (because you know how things get twisted when repeated), and I would say VERY little, if anything.

But that is just me.

Hope things get better for you, soon.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 08-27-2010, 05:32 PM
 
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Fierrbug- What about talking to someone like a pastor/councilor with your dh? I think from that perspective, it may come out that this is something your dh has to deal with rather then you. And it would be coming from a professional, not you. It is his mom after all. Once we marry we leave our parents and form a new family. I just don't see how it's your problem and not his.



(((hugs))) Mothers in laws can be such a pain.

Sahm mom to three lovely girls, and happily married to a great, sweet guy
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