I don't know where to start...a bit about myself...I went to Catholic school for 1st-8th grade. My mother has always said that if the public schools were better I would have went to PS instead, and she really doesn't feel that it did me any good
. After my sister and I graduated, she started only going to church occasionally, and now I don't even think she goes apparently because of her work schedule and because our church now only offers Spanish mass So what I'm saying, is that while I was raised in a CS, I was not so much raised in a Catholic house.
I became pregnant with my 1st dd at 18. I married her father (no faith, no belief in Jesus) and our daughter was baptized because my mother arranged for it. I hate to say that life (and two more babies, one high-needs) got in the way and I found myself distanced from the church. We had arrangements for our second to be baptized, but at the time felt we couldn't handle the stress of actually taking her to church. He was actually very anti-church, but is the type of personality that lets the woman make the decisions (and still is, with his second wife). So without his support, I let life take over and I've been inside a church only a handful of times since my sister's 8th grade graduation. She's 23 now
Fast forward to now. I am divorced from my first husband, and now after reading here at MDC I see that I was supposed to have my marriage annulled through the church (yes we were married in the church). I am now remarried to a non-practicing Jewish man. We have one two year old daughter together who celebrates holidays for both faiths (just not at a church or synagogue). We are strongly considering sending her to CS. He sees the benefit of a private school, stronger academics etc. His mother had considered sending him to CS when he was a child. I see the benefit of a "community", smaller class size, and straight K-8 (not four different schools, like the PS my older daughters attend), plus I love the ease of uniforms. Regardless of what my mother thinks about what I got out of PS, I feel that my problems are rooted in self-acceptance issues and had nothing to do with low morals. I sorely miss my childhood school (now shut down) and want something similar for my daughter.
So here I am, divorced from one man who wanted nothing to do with a church (I still remember his silence during prayers, or silence during a blessing at dinner), and remarried to a Jewish man who says we should go to church this Sunday for Easter and has no issues with our daughter attending CS. I have his support.
The problem is, I feel like I have done so much wrong since I stopped going to church, and I believe God is a forgiving God, yet I feel like I would be shunned. Like everything is stamped on my forehead. When I was married to my first husband, we tried bringing our daughters to church twice, and one time an usher asked if my ex-husband would like to pass around the collection basket, and another time we were asked if my daughter would like to bring up the offerings. I feel like they knew we were new, and tried to include us, but that didn't exactly work for us
. We (I) wanted to observe, and enjoy, but not exactly "participate". I felt like we stuck out like sore thumbs. That really irked me at the time because I knew how my ex-husband felt, and it really discouraged me from going back. And it's part of the reason I'm still nervous about attending mass.
I guess my reasons for wanting to go back, is I've been feeling "ungrounded" and lost and I remember the peace of attending mass, and that once upon a time I did enjoy it. I feel like a chunk is missing from my life. It was there and now it isn't and there's a hole. And now considering CS for my daughter, I feel that I need to reacquaint myself with the church. I am working up the nerve to go to confession, but now I'm worried about this annulment. What exactly does that mean for me who is now remarried?
If you managed to get this far, thank you. This may actually be my first post at MDC, I'm not sure if I've ever posted here before but I registered awhile ago.