OP, I was in a similar space not so long ago. Instead of choosing to question God, I decided to cling more to God. I decided to understand that I was not being tested, I was being given the opportunity to be fully who I really am. And what a wonderful gift that is!
I am not a Christian, but during this emotional, physical, spiritual hardship, I was led to a church that truly believed that God speaks to and through us at all times. They were a teaching church, a church that believed in supporting other churches and being a type of therapist for dysfunctional churches. It was a wonderful experience!
I don't know what your faith is, either, but I'm going to risk posting this scripture from the Bible because it was so significant to me and helped me be able to see what was going on in my life more clearly and because other posts here lead me to believe this won't insult you:
Genesis 29:31-35 NIV: "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, 'It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.' She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, 'Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.' So she named him Simeon. Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, 'Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.' So he was named Levi. She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, 'This time I will praise the Lord.' So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children."
This passage was so significant for me because it helped me realize how much I was motivated by hoping someone would change because of my actions. I thought, If I do x,y,z then s/he will do x,y,z.
I wanted my actions to control other people's feelings about me, behaviors toward me, etc. Even God! I realized that all my relationships were a result of me sacrificing (willingly, lovingly) hoping to influence someone else, even God. I then realized that that's not what God wants. That's not a sign that I am happy. God wants me to just praise Him. Just praise Him
. That is it. That is all. God loves me so much that He will always
love me, but I need to be devoted. I need to praise God and devote myself to Him and not focus on what other people are or are not
doing, because God is with me always.
That helped me shift from feeling victimized to feeling empowered. I hope it can do the same for you.