Christian child + Pagan mom = Problems? HELP! - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 22 Old 01-23-2012, 06:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hello ladies.

 

I really need your advice and help with this growing issue. Please forgive me for the length of this post, there is alot of information that you should know about the situation before giving me your advice.

 

DD is now 6 years old. She went to live with her GPs for 2 years when DS was born ( long story- if you need to know please ask and I will refer you to another post of mine or answer your questions). She was 3 when she went to live with them full time. I was 17 years old when I gave birth to her and her father and myself, being young and with out jobs, lived there with his parents ( DDs GPs that I am refering to). She has pretty much lived there with them her entire life. They have always played a large part in her life and she loves them dearly. She visits them EVERY weekend.

 

Before I go any further, you should know that I am Pagan. Her Gps are VERY christian. Atleast her Papa is anyways. Her Grandmother is christian as well, but not as 'hardcore' as her GF. DD says that she is christian. She goes to church with her GPs every weekend. She looks forward to it and enjoys it very much. I have never had a 'problem' with this before- but now that she is growing up and staring to 'understand' some things, we are having issues.

 

Also, I wanted to say that I am IN NO WAY trying to offend anyone or knock their beliefs. This is my personal situitan and my personal views. Please understand that I AM NOT trying to upset or disrespect anyone.

 

I should also add that DDS GF ( who she is very close to, even more so than her GM ) is, again, a 'hardcore' christian. He thinks Harry Potter is evil and he thinks that the posters in my house are gateways to demonic possession- which I believe to be complete crap. He is a very kind, loving and giving man..but he is 'out there'. He tries to force his religion on everyone ( and pulls alot of guilt tricks on me especially ) and thinks that his way is the ONLY way and anything else is evil and whatnot. And man..you should have heard the lecture I recieved when he discoverd that DS wasnt circ'ed. (DS isnt his blood grandchild BTW- his son and I where divorced about 7 years ago. )

 

DD has asked me many times why I dont believe in God and go to chruch. I always explain to her that just because mommy doesnt go to church or believe in god, it doesnt make me a bad person. I explain that we should always respect others beliefs because they have the right to believe what they wish. I explain that nature is my church This upsets her that mommy doesnt go to 'real' church. She dosent 'want me to go to hell'. Yeah- she has said that to before..in tears. This was quite disturbing for me.

 

I have gotten many comments from her about things of this nature. Its always very closed minded and many times, hateful. Well, this morning before school she explained to me that last night she had a bad dream. Before i could ask her if she wanted to talk about it- she went on to say, very upset " AND I ALWAYS HAVE BAD DREAMS HERE!... PAPA SAID ITS BECAUSE I DONT SAY MY PRAYERS!!..WHY DONT YOU HAVE ME SAY MY PRAYERS AT NIGHT MAMA?!?"  I was a bit in shock.

 

I went on to tell her that bad dreams DONT come from 'not saying your prayers'. They come from eating something that doesnt agree with you before bed or from watching scary movies. I also told her that she could say her prayers whenever she wanted.. have never stopped her, nor have I ever said anything against her faith infront of her- though I have to admit..i dont agree with it and I feel that its very unhealthy for a young child her age with such moldable mind. She believes that her way is the only way ( just like her Papa ) and that anything else is wrong. I have talked with her many times, but the issue keeps growing.

 

Hers the thing, DH and My self are rather 'alternative' people. I have tattoos and a few piercings and we listen to metal and what not. We dont go to the hospital to have our babies and we dont take them to the doctors and neither one of us believes in god. I am Pagan. Please understand that DD isnt exposed to anything 'scary or dark' in our home/ She isnt exposed to bad movies or pictures or anything of that nature.

 

It has come to my attention that she was been told by her GF, that what her step-dad and I 'do' is evil and wrong. We are 'weird'- her GPs arent and her GF has made some very disresectful comments about it to DD.

 

I have always respected the fact that DD has the right to choose her religion on her own. I have always allowed her to be active in church and all of that. I understand here, that DDs issue isnt church/christianity- its her GF. But what am i suppose to do? She was practically raised there and she loves them both very very much. I could never take them away from her and not allow her to go. I dont have the heart.

 

But also dont have the heart to sit on the side lines where I am being demonized in the eyes of my own daughter. I think shes stating to feel that she doesnt 'belong' here with us because of some of what shes be taught. Latley, shes been 'telling on me' to her GF. She will go to her GPs on the weekends and tell her GF that ' i dont allow her to pray'- which is a TOTAL LIE. The ENTIRE time that she has lived with me, she has NEVER ONCE asked to pray or even asked me to help her do so. But as soon as she gets back to her GPs- she lies about me. Then, when I call her GF to tell him that Im on my way to pick her up, I get a lecture about god and how I need to 'let' her pray. Talking with him is IMPOSSIBLE. Its like talking with a wall.

 

DD has begun saying hateful things about my gay friends and the gay community. She even yells at DS when he wears his crown ans uses his wand ( hand-me-downs from DD) and tells him 'boys dont act like that. Thats ugly! ' Many of her old hobbies is slowly falling away, because shes been told that 'theyre not real' or 'theyre bad'. Such as faries. She has collected faries for as long as I can recall and has a beautiful collection. She told me a few months ago, that she doesnt want them anymore because Papa said there is 'no such thing ' and that I am silly for believing in them. Yes- DD and myself always said we believed in faries. Suddenley that was taken from her too. I could tell she didnt want to give that up. It upset her to say that. I feel that her GF is explaining her faith to her in a way that is killing the magic in her life and her childhood. She alreadys has a few mental issues and I really feel that his whole situation isnt messing well with her health.

 

She recently has started telling me pretty often that she wants to go back and live with her Papa.  She says she happier there. Her going back is NOT an option. Her GF is older in age and isnt able to care for her of give her the attention she needs ( She has AS, ADHD, ODD and OCD. She is a handful and is a full time child ) or help her with school work. There, she is allowed to stay on the computer as long as she wishes. It isnt uncommon for her to stay in a dark bedroom ALL DAY and sit infront of a TV. My 6 year old already sounds like a walking, talking commercial. Really. She quotes commercials and gets upset about missing 'specials'. Remember she only spends the weekends there. If i dont allow her to go, her heart is broken and she spends the weekend here telling me how much she doesnt want to be here and cries constantly.

 

Please help me. I dont feel that this is healthy for her at all. I feel that she is suffering and losing alot of her child hood under a religion/teachet with strict rules and that enforces guilt.

 

I dont know what else to do.   Ive tried so very hard to get reconnected with her again- but her 'beliefs' are tearing us apart. Im her mother and she has no respect for me any more due to religious issues. She doesnt even want to live with me most of the time.

 

Please share your advice with me. Thanks in advance.


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#2 of 22 Old 01-23-2012, 07:32 AM
 
John16n33's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 482
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Wow okay, where to start.  First off I guess I should let you know that I am a Christian, my Dh is an athiest, and my Dd hasn't decided yet (she is almost 4).  There are a wide range of faiths in my family from Catholic to Mormon, mainstream Christian to Wiccan, Agnostics and Athiests included as well.  We have decided that it is up to our Dd what faith she wants to be, be that Pagan, Christian, nothing, etc.  I will take her to church and teach her about God, but I will not force it on her.  I also like Harry Potter lol.

 

Your Dd's grandfather seems like a real piece of work IMO, and I know you do not want to take Dd away from them, but if he refuses to respect you as her mother that might be what needs to happen.  If I was in your situation I would probably try to sit down with him and his wife without your Dd present and express your concerns.  Tell him you do not have an issue with his faith, or them taking Dd to church (from what I read this is how you feel), but that you do have an issue with him disrespecting you to your Dd.  In all honesty, because I tend to say what is on my mind without a filter (I am working on that), I would would probably also mention that his talking down about you to your Dd isn't very Christian-like.  He should be teaching her to respect you because you are her mother, even if you don't share the same faith, and it sounds to me like he is teaching her the opposite.

 

I would also sit down and have a chat with your Dd about the lying to her grandfather.  If he is as Christian as you say, surely he has mentioned to her that lying is a sin.  I would sit down and explain to her that it is wrong, no matter what you believe in, and it hurts your feelings.  If she wants to pray she does not need to ask you, and even if she did ask you that you would allow it.

 

I guess I am a different 'kind' of Christian because my first and foremost thing I want to teach my daughter is to love and respect everyone.  To find the good in every person even if they might do things that you think are wrong.  Kind of the 'Love the sinner, hate the sin.' concept.  People like you ExFIL just really urk me, because I think they are the kind that seem to give Christians that hateful and judgmental persona.  The one thing I always do when I start thinking of other peoples sins is to start thinking about mine.  I know I am FAR from perfect, I have done HORRIBLE things in my life and a lot of the time feel like Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15, when he told Timothy that he was the worst sinner.  So when I start thinking about other peoples sins I remind myself that my sins are no worse than theirs, and that I continue to sin every.single.day.  It is in my DNA, and therefore I no better than them.  So why should I judge them?  What right do I have?

 

Sorry this is so long, I hope you find some kind of help in my post.   


-Meagan

 

A Christian, crunchy, homeschooling southern wife to D and mama to A (5) who loves ( treehugger.gif, knit.gif,teapot2.GIF, and reading.gif)

 

John16n33 is offline  
#3 of 22 Old 01-23-2012, 08:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you Meagan for your helpful and thoughful reply!

 

You sound like a wonderful person to me. Love and acceptance is what I think if when I think " Christian ". You are really living that In your life. I want you to know that I think that is wonderful and I have deep respect for you for that.

 

Yes, I believe that I will take your advice and have a talk with her GF. I really wish this wouldve all came to a head at a different time as I have a horrible flu at the moment and feel awful. Tryin to get down this garlic tea, but with this nausea- it seems impossible! sick.gif

 

Anyways- I will most likley call him today or tomorrow when I feel a bit better. Let me tell ya, I am nervous. All of my previous conversations with him has been in vain.  I just have to make the point to him that I know DD loves speding time with him very much as well as going to church, but if its going to continue having a negative impact on her, she will no be able to return to visit until shes a bit older and able to 'sift' through the information that she is given.

 

I told DD that I will love her and respect her no matter what her religion. She knows that I am more than happy to take her to Church. I have never discouraged her religion. I just want to make sure that shes choosing Christianity because its whars in her heart- not because its what shes been force fed from a young age so she doesnt know any better. I know that her GF is a very smart guy, matter of fact, he use to be a college professor..so I REALLY hope that he shows that when we speak. I hope this time, things will be different. I would really hate to have to explain to DD why she cant go back to see Papa for awhile. bawling.gif

 

Also, her idea of God/Heaven has worried me for awhile. Once, for about a week she was talking ALOT about death. When I asked her why, she seemed offended. She said she wants to die. I was shocked and asked why would she want that and she said because if she dont die- she wont get to go to heaven and see god. I. Was. Shocked. This lead to an hour long conversation between us of me explaining death and the whole heaven concept in more detail for her.

 

Another thing i have noticed that troubles me is, If you ask DD WHY she chooses to be christian she says 'beacuses its right. papa says its right'.  This shows me that SHE didnt choose this- she was a bit 'brainwashed' if you will. She also cannot tell you why its right. This normally leads to her asking me 'well mama if you dont believe in god- where did the world come from!!" She gets upset and no matter who gently I approach the subject, most of the time, i get the feeling that she feels pressured or attacked to jusifiy her beliefs. So ive stayed away from that topic. I never want her to feel singled out about it.

 

I have spoken with her about the lying. She just started crying and ran out of the room. She didnt want to listen. She knew that she was lying and she felt badly about it. I told her that it hurt my feelings when she said what she did. Latley, shes been extra mean to her little bro and latley ive been wondering if the outburst towards him and the not wanting to live here anymore has to do with her feeling torn and confussed about her religion. Not to mention she has pretty severe ODD which can make it very hard to speak with her about things, so Im always a bit in the dark there. I think maybe, a tiny bit in the back of her head, shes afraid to say she doesnt want to go to church for fear of her GF being upset or something and also for the fear of hell. Also, i know she enjoys Chruch much more so for the fun activies that the childern do rather than anything else. I have always told her that you dont have to go to church to been close to god. He is all around and you can speak to him anytime that you wish and he will hear, no church required. But i think alot of what I say gets discredited because I am not christian, so most of it goes in one ear and out the other.

 

Thanks again for your advice and reply. I will update you soon and let you know how everything goes. wish me luck.

 

PS: " I also like Harry Potter lol."

 

Me too! lol.gif


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#4 of 22 Old 01-23-2012, 08:50 AM
 
John16n33's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 482
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hugs I will keep you and your situation in my thoughts and prayers (if you don't mind).  I would be bothered to that she thinks she is just a Christian because it is the right thing, but maybe that has something to do with her age.  But then again I guess a lot of Christian children think that at that age.  I don't think you really know why you are a Christian in your heart until you are much older.  In fact I always believed in God and considered myself a Christian but I don't think I really got it until this past June when I was reading the book of Luke.  It was like someone switched on a light inside my brain and it just made sense and seemed so real to me all of a sudden.

 

I hope your conversation with him goes well, and I hope you start feeling better soon!

 

Best wishes!


-Meagan

 

A Christian, crunchy, homeschooling southern wife to D and mama to A (5) who loves ( treehugger.gif, knit.gif,teapot2.GIF, and reading.gif)

 

John16n33 is offline  
#5 of 22 Old 01-23-2012, 09:47 AM
 
tri31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: An Electric Universe
Posts: 777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hi, I couldn't read your post and not offer support. Our children went through an episode like this, soon after my divorce was final. Maybe this will sound strange but I think the "religious" problem you are having is a symptom of a much bigger issue. My ex spent years bad mouthing me behind my back, and it really did allot of emotional damage. It is such a shame, I didn't do anything about it sooner. Making you a villain in your childs story is crippling to her. You are very right, about this not being healthy. Please think about asking the GP's to start some sort of family therapy.  Both my kids have been helped so much by therapy, which offers a life line in the form of a professionally trained neutral party. There are allot of social biases about seeking help. I have always told my kids "healthy people can ask for help if they are in pain". Best wishes.


Wife om.gif mamaluxlove.gif to five And citizen of Earthearth.gif
tri31 is offline  
#6 of 22 Old 01-23-2012, 11:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thanks again and please do keep me in your prayers. I appreciate that alot and Goddess knows I could use it. I will update you ASAP. Big hugs to you.luxlove.gif


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#7 of 22 Old 01-23-2012, 11:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hello. Thank you for your advice and sharing your story with me. I will keep FT open as an option for sure. Since this problem has been on going for some time, Im sure it would help out alot. Thanks again.


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#8 of 22 Old 01-24-2012, 08:23 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 18,340
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Are you in place now to raise your child yourself?  If so I think you should do that.  I know you feel guilty taking her away from her grandparents but you should not.  She is your child.  It was nice to have the help but she is living in two worlds and it is messing with her little self.  What you are dealing with is not Christian vs. pagan.  You can still honor the part of her that loves God without allowing her to speak rudely to disrespectfully to you. My recommendation would be to ed the weekend visits gradually.  maybe every other sunday with you, then every sunday with you, then moving towards all weekend with you.   But perhaps it would be easier for her to just make a clean cut.  Either way her GF sounds like a piece of work who is actively undermining your relationship with your daughter.  He thinks you are a bad mother and he is teaching her that.  

 

In the mean time, how ca you encourage your dd's faith?  Would you be willing to pray with her each night in way that is comfortable for you? Maybe if you took the initiative to create  a routine to close her day, allowed her a chance to say her evening prayers, that would work for her.  What other routines  during her day could you implement that would be meaningful to her without going against your religious beliefs?  

 

And at the end of the day she is 6.  She is pliable.  We made a major religious shift when my kids were 4, 7 and 10 and they have never looked back.  Its pretty much all they remember.  Their dad still takes them to his church but they don't really think of it as church.  Its "dad's church" and the quicker the service the better.  but what they think of God, what they think of themselves, is defined by or church.  i don't think she will be crushed if you rip that bandaid off...


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#9 of 22 Old 01-25-2012, 05:21 AM
 
revolting's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 1,248
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Would your grandparents welcome you if you spent the weekend with your daughter at her grandparents'? I think your presence might help mitigate the situation, both in terms of discouraging your grandfather from making disrespectful comments and the extra time together fostering connection between you and your daughter.


Partner to Rbikenew.gif ('03); Parent to T read.gif('07), Aviolin.gif ('10), and E ecbaby2.gif ('13)

femalesling.GIFhomeschool.gifchicken3.gifhomebirth.jpgnak.gif 

revolting is offline  
#10 of 22 Old 01-25-2012, 11:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you both for your responses. Just to make this clear, DD does live with ME. She has lived with me for about a year now. She only gets to see her GPs on the weekends.

 

Lilyka-  As i mentioned above, just to clear things up- DD does live with me now and has for awhile. DD is very aware that I am 'ok' with her being Christian and that I respect that. She knows that she can say her prayers if she wants before bed, or whenever she feels the need to. She seems to have been taught that if she doesnt go to church- she loses connection with god. I have explained to her many times that you dont have to go to church to be with/speak to god. He is all around and he hears you, no matter where you are. But, as I also mentioned in another reply post, I think much of what I say about the subject gets discredited because I am not Christian, and she knows this.

 

Latley at night when its bed time, I have been asking her if she would like to say her prayers and she always says 'no. not tonight' Then she normally says shes too tired or someting of that nature. Ill double check with her to make sure she doesnt want to say her prayers and she always stands firm with her previous answer. When she is here all week with me, she never asks to pray or even mentions it at all, but when she goes to GPs house on the weekends, she tells GF that I wouldnt 'let her' say her prayers. Maybe that wont happen this weekend since I have been reminding her every night. She will only be visiting her GPs on saturday this weekend.

 

I have also tried to show her a bot of my beliefs and explain things to her in a way that is easy for her to understand. She shows alot of intrests, but doesnt want to ask questions. I feel that this is because shes been taught that my religion 'is wrong'. But I can tell that she wants to know more, but is in away, afraid to ask.

 

We have had many long talks about this topic and I have decided to use your 'gradual weaning' idea. I will, over a short course of time, shorten her visits to her GPs house until she isnt going at all. I just really think that She, herself, needs time to figure out what she would like to do without being influanced by anyone elses beliefe. Not to mention- DH and I have been talking alot about moving and I believe this would help her cope with that situation if it does come to pass.

 

Thanks for your advice. Its greatly appreciated.

 

 

Revolting-  I have stayed there with her on the weekends when she wants to visit. The last time I spent the night with her there was at christmas. GF never said anything rude infront of me, but DD would often say mildly rude things to me infront of GF, and then turn quickly to look at GF to gauge his response almost as if she was asking "are you proud of me for saying THAT?" with her eyes.

 

For example, we where admiring the xmas tree that her GPs had put up. DD pointed out a beautiful Noahs arc ornament that she had chosen for the tree. She said " Look mama, isnt this pretty? I picked this one out. But you dont like it do you, because its of God."  I pulled her aside and corrected her and let her know that of course I liked it, it was beautiful- it didnt matter if it was 'of god' or not, I still found it lovley and I thought she did a wonderful job. GF was sitting near by when DD made this comment, but luckily he didnt hear it. Later I asked DD why she had said that and she said " Well, you dont go to church and you dont read the bible so I know you dont like noah!"  We had another long talk about this as well and I explained everything the best that I could.


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#11 of 22 Old 01-25-2012, 12:35 PM
 
3xMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Coming at this from a Pagan point of view here. 

 

I understand how hard it can be to be Pagan and have a child who is Christian. DD (just a few months shy of six) went to a Christian preschool for two years and developed a strong sense of Christianity. Now, this school was nothing but love and nothing like your DD's GF, but I still struggle with trying to explain my views to DD and sincerely wish I had started talking religion with her before she was in this preschool. Even this morning, nine or so months after she stopped attending the preschool, she was talking about Jesus. It was in a good way, but its still hard for me to hear things come out of her mouth that I don't agree with. (Not to say Jesus is bad, I think Jesus is pretty awesome, really, its just not my belief system.) I was in religious limbo for many years though and had no idea if I even was a Pagan or what and next thing I know, its a little late in the game. 

 

I'm glad to hear you are going to reduce the visits and eventually stop them. I can't imagine that she's really happy and I'm sure she's very very confused. She's getting a lot of information that's often hard for an adult to sort through and so much of it isn't concrete which just makes it harder for her to grasp at her age. You are doing the best thing for her. If she chooses to remain Christian, she's CHOOSING it, its not being force fed to her. And someone who openly tells a child their mama is evil is...well...*ahem*...let's just say they aren't a very nice person. I'd end, too. 

 

Honestly, though, you sound like you are doing a great job talking through things with her. Patience, love and talking, that's all I know to tell you. It may take some time, but it will get there. 

 

Blessed be, mama!

 

 


 read.gif Rachael~~SAHM to fairy.gif (4/27/06), diaper.gif (11/18/09) and babyf.gif (1/29/11); married to a fabulous man! flowersforyou.gif  intactlact.gif cd.gif    caffix.gif )O(

3xMama is offline  
#12 of 22 Old 01-25-2012, 06:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hello 3Xmama, thanks for your replay. Merrry Meet!

 

" Even this morning, nine or so months after she stopped attending the preschool, she was talking about Jesus. It was in a good way, but its still hard for me to hear things come out of her mouth that I don't agree with. (Not to say Jesus is bad, I think Jesus is pretty awesome, really, its just not my belief system.) "

 

- I totally feel where youre coming from here. Im not anti-christian by any means, but I too find it difficult to hear things come from DD that I dont agree with.  It can be hard to hear.

 

 

I use to fanatize when I was pregnant with DD about all of the wonderful, 'witchy' things we would do together, mother and daughter. We would pick herbs together out of our garden and I would teach her about each. We would dance naked under the full moon ( and yes, I STILL do this- thankfully I am lucky enough to live in a place secluded enough to do this safely ), make oils together and so on and so forth.

 

I have come to terms with this not happening for us now- and maybe it never will, but who knows how she will change as she grows. Either way, I accept her fully and completely and love her dearly. I understand that she came from by body and yes, she is MY child, but her body nor her mind belongs to me. I love her and respect her as an individual, there for i allow her to choose her own path.

 

" I'm glad to hear you are going to reduce the visits and eventually stop them. I can't imagine that she's really happy and I'm sure she's very very confused. She's getting a lot of information that's often hard for an adult to sort through and so much of it isn't concrete which just makes it harder for her to grasp at her age. You are doing the best thing for her. If she chooses to remain Christian, she's CHOOSING it, its not being force fed to her. And someone who openly tells a child their mama is evil is...well...*ahem*...let's just say they aren't a very nice person. I'd end, too."

 

- Yes, after much thought this is what Ive decided. I figured this wouldnt be too sudden for her and would allow the transition to come much more peacefully, which will be more healthy for her both physically and emotionaly. I talked with her a little bit about it today, at first she wasnt too happy about the idea, but I explained to her that this would allow for more time for the 2 of us to spend time together and do fun activites. We've already made plans for this weekend as well- to keep the level of excitment high until she becomes adjusted. We are going to do a Mama Daughter 'spa day'. We're going to make home made hair masks, face masks, take a big bubble bath together, paint our nails and so on. She also plans on working on her guitar skills a little more as well.

 

I feel pretty secure in my choice. Like you mentioned, If she IS choosing to be Christian from her heart, she will remain that way even without all of her GFs comments and feeling that she must go to church.  I want her to understand that true spirituality cannot be taught nor forced, it must come from within yourself. It lives in your heart.

 

This weekend should be great for all of us. DH plans to take DS out for the evening so DD and I can spend some time alone just talking and enjoying eachother. We are both looking forward to it. I am allowing her to visit her GPs this weekend, but only for Saturday night, which is really important for her as one of her close friends that lives near by there is having a birthday party that shes excited to attend.

 

I also had a brief discussion on the phone earlier today with her GM and explained my concerns. She was a bit shocked that GF had been saying those things to DD ( She had no idea this was being said! ). She suggested that I have a talk with him and ignore the lectures. She insisted that I simply 'put my foot down and lay down the law'. It was nice to know that she agreed with all of this being unhealthy for DD. She told me that when DD does come for visits, she would be sure to be on the look out for any nonsense, which makes me feel a bit more at ease. I plan on having 'the talk' with her GF tomorrow while DD is away at school.

 

Thanks again for your reply. Its always nice to meet another Pagan Mama.

 

Many blessings and light to you!

 

 

 

 


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#13 of 22 Old 02-03-2012, 04:57 PM
 
PatienceAndLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Meadville, PA
Posts: 1,332
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

How are you and your DD doing?


Proud Catholic transtichel.gif(28) and mama to Vdust.gif (7)

PatienceAndLove is offline  
#14 of 22 Old 02-04-2012, 10:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

We are doing much better. She adjusted very quickly to the new change in plans. This weekend, she is staying with my mom for the weekend to do arts and crafts with her 4 other little girl cousins. We had a small, simple talk about not going to grandmas/church for awhile. I kept it simple, and I kept in control of the conversation- I 'put my foot down', i suppose you could say. Shes doing much better since the break. I feel very good about my choice, and I think she does too.

 

Thanks for asking! :)


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#15 of 22 Old 02-04-2012, 04:07 PM
 
PatienceAndLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Meadville, PA
Posts: 1,332
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

When I read this thread, I immediately offered up a prayer for your trials.


Proud Catholic transtichel.gif(28) and mama to Vdust.gif (7)

PatienceAndLove is offline  
#16 of 22 Old 02-05-2012, 07:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Thank you very much for your prayer. Im sure it helped. luxlove.gif


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#17 of 22 Old 02-05-2012, 08:34 AM
 
3xMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Glad things are looking up for you! DD actually said to me a few days ago that she's a Pagan. orngbiggrin.gif She still likes to talk about Jesus and I'm okay with that, of course, but its nice to chat about the various Goddesses. I'm looking forward to when it gets warm enough to do a lot of outside play. She looooves being outside, so I'm hoping to hit that hard with her this summer and really talk about the circle of life, the Wheel of the Year, nature, etc and how it relates to the Goddess. 

 

Still thinking of you, mama, and hoping it keeps looking up for you! Lots of love and light!joy.gif


 read.gif Rachael~~SAHM to fairy.gif (4/27/06), diaper.gif (11/18/09) and babyf.gif (1/29/11); married to a fabulous man! flowersforyou.gif  intactlact.gif cd.gif    caffix.gif )O(

3xMama is offline  
#18 of 22 Old 02-05-2012, 12:39 PM
 
Wolfcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 1,104
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

Children love those who love them. But that doesn't mean that the ones they love are GOOD for them. Cut the GPs out of her life. Tell them exactly why you are doing it. AND STOP APOLOGIZING FOR YOUR LIFE CHOICES! You sound like a fine young lady. Not "traditional" or "conservative", but that is NOT something to apologize for. Your religion is YOUR FAMILY's religion. Your child can and should be exposed to YOUR religion first and formost, NOT as a hate-mongering vitriol spewed by those who have only "good" intensions (insert quote about the road to hell here).

 

IF the GPs can live by your rules regarding religion and discussing such topics with your child, they can see her. Make sure you establish and write down these rules. Spell them out to the GPs, so they know exactly what is expected. Do NOT presume that just because yours is the minority religion, that YOU should be compromising. YOUR BELIEFS ARE NOT A NEGOTIATION.

 

If the GPs cannot live by the rules, cut all ties. This is the only way to minimize the emotional/psychological distress that such behavior IS causing your child.

 

 

Now, for my resume, ie, why I am qualified to give advice:

I have been a Pagan parent for 6 years. My parents are Christian, and occasionally take my kids to church. I have, on a few occasions, had to put my foot down due to their overstepping of bounds and say, I don't care what you think/believe - I AM THE MAMA. This includes when my mother started pushing the whole Heaven idea on my son at my GF's funeral. I told her that it isn't HER place to explain death and the religion/spirituality of it to MY CHILD.

 

I have been a Pagan for over 15 years, and out (in the MidWest) the whole time. I have never managed to have a religious interaction escalate to violence, EVER. And, yes, I do believe that a large portion of that has to do with my approach.
 

 

Now, this is not an easy thing, but if you go passive about this, it is a great big signal to the GPs that you are okay with your beliefs being trampled. Don't go there. They may throw a fit or insults or threats, but you are the parent, and you have the power in this relationship. PERIOD.


Check out my business, Pangaia Metaphysical Store, and radio blog, Pagan Musings.
I'm a witchy mama to DS ('06) and DD ('10) with DH, Stormie, a heathen homemaker daddy.

Wolfcat is offline  
#19 of 22 Old 02-05-2012, 08:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Yay for you and DD! How exciting! I have been easing my way into more and more of my religion with my DD. Everytime I get an 'off' comment from her about something that we are/ have discussed ( for example: "well...thats not what my GP/the bible says") I have taken more of a stern approach with guiding her back in the right direction. Whenever she says something that I know is unhealthy for her to believe (such as being hateful towards others and such) I tell her why that is not OK and let her know, firmly, that I will not have that I my house. I remind her several times a day that our house is a house of love and acceptance. We show that through not only our actions, but also our words.

 

DD is doing much better and has actually shown much more of an intrest in my beliefs, which is exciting for me as well. I, too, plan on teaching her my beliefs with hands-on learning with every possible chance I get. Im very excited to see where it goes from here and Im very happy that she seems to be much more relaxed. Of couse, getting her back to a healthy belief 'area' hasnt been nor will it be an over night expeirence, but thats OK with me. Im just very thrilled to have seen progress thus far.

 

Thanks for your warm words and thoughts, mama. They mean alot to me! Much love and light to you as well. heartbeat.gif


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#20 of 22 Old 02-07-2012, 06:31 AM
 
3xMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm so glad she's relaxing! Does she seem happier in other aspects of her life, too? Like, is she more relaxed about how and what she plays? I think you've got the right approach. thumb.gif

 

Just wanted to share a book with you I read with my DD over the summer. Its called The Lady of Ten Thousand Names by Burleigh Muten. It has Goddess stories in it from several cultures including Isis, Persephone's abduction by Hades, Ama-Terasu, White Buffalo Woman and several others. Its a great introduction to a lot of Goddess myths from many cultures and the artwork is gorgeous! Burleigh Muten has several other books for kids including a similar book of Gods called Grandfather Mountain and an encyclopedia of Goddesses that includes a brief overview of the Goddess and the culture She comes from. DD loved them and would go through the books over and over just looking at the illustrations. These books are by no means a complete compilation, of course, but its a great start.  


 read.gif Rachael~~SAHM to fairy.gif (4/27/06), diaper.gif (11/18/09) and babyf.gif (1/29/11); married to a fabulous man! flowersforyou.gif  intactlact.gif cd.gif    caffix.gif )O(

3xMama is offline  
#21 of 22 Old 02-08-2012, 10:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
HuntressMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 181
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Yes, DD does seem MUCH happier in many aspects. She has been much more gental latley. For example, DD normally has a VERY hard time being nice to her little brother- I mean, she could be down right hateful at times. She was so mean to DS for so long, he wouldnt even let her give him a hug and kiss good night anymore. He would scream at her to get away from him. It. Was. Bad.  Since she has stopped the visits to her GPs, I havent seen any more of that behaviour from her, at all. Its wonderful! Theyre actually playing together. Shes sharing her toys with him and this makes DS much happier too. Hes not quite to the point of letting her love him good night yet, but hes warming up.

 

DD has also been much nicer to me. I get lots of hugs and kisses from her- I now get as much as I give.  Just last night, we where making our bannana, flax and almond milk smooties before bed ( Yum! yummy.gif ) and she suddenly stopped chopping the bananas to tell me 'sorry mama'. When I asked her why she was sorry, she told me that she knew that she hadnt been very nice to me latley, and that I didnt deserve that. I teared up a little happytears.gif. That was a great moment for the 2 of us.

 

Shes doing much better. Im very happy with my choice. Not to mention, she is showing more and more of an intrest in my religion and speading time with me, observing what it is that I do. She also tried a little meditation with me 2 nights ago. She wasnt able to sit still for long, but atleast she tried and that ment alot to me, and I let her know that. Not that I expect her to sit still for long, but considering she has ADHD she did a great job! lol.gif

 

Thank you so much for recommending those books for us. DD was recently asking to see more pictures of the Goddesses. She thinks that theyre lovley and she also really enjoys the stories behind each one. Well, now I know another thing that I should buy with our income tax return. orngbiggrin.gif

 

Thanks again, Mama, for your book suggestions and for your concern. You all have been a great support system for me during this difficult time. Big hugs and much love to you all.  grouphug.gif


novaxnocirc.gif   lactivist.gif   gd.gif  uc.jpg  femalesling.GIF cd.gif    modifiedartist.gif    read.gif    

 

Magickal Mama to DD (6) & DS (3). Soul mate to DH. 

HuntressMother is offline  
#22 of 22 Old 02-10-2012, 08:49 AM
 
BettyBoop's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma.  First, I commend you for wanting your daughter to have a relationship with her grandparents despite the religious differences.  They are her grandparents I'm sure they love her very much.  However, you are her mother and therefore you have the ultimate say to how your daughter is raised and unless you are negligent or abusive (which is not the case here) no one has the right to instill ideas into your daughter's head ... not even her grandparents.

 

I think it's great that you are allowing your daughter to choose her spiritual path because it shows that you respect other people's beliefs and want your daughter to do the same.  But you need to take into account that your daughter is only six... she might be too young to really make that choice.  Spirituality is a very deep and personal thing maybe when she is older and understands things more, she can make that choice.

 

But getting back to the grandparents, I think you need to have a sit-down with them and explain that it is not acceptable to tell their grand-daughter that her mother is going to hell.  Explain that it's important for your daughter to love and respect them but she also needs to love and respect her mother as well.  Tell them you want them to be a part of your daughter's life but not at the expense of them turning her against you.  Religion should never be used as a weapon, especially when a child is involved. 

 

I hope this helps and I wish you luck.

 

 

BettyBoop is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off