Establishing Boundaries as an Adult Child with Father - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 01-27-2012, 06:31 AM - Thread Starter
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My father slowly moved into my home 9 years ago. He has his own place but is at mine 99.9% of the time. I am a single Adult Woman. I was 29 when this started now I'm 40. I travel alot and didn't notice so much as it was suppose to for house sitting. I have increasing become more resentful and actually sought therapy to deal with my father back in 2002, 2004 and 2005. Some techniques help but no more. He is a horder and has taken over everything in my possession. He is reading my favorite romance authors and books, a few completely inappropriate. Won't stay out of my room. Washing my clothes after years of stating please don't touch my personal things. The list is endless. My parents divorced when I was 13. So I know he is trying to help but I tell him it's better for me to ask you "in" then to "ask" you out. He disregards simple house requests because it's not important, he knows best. I'm a vegetarian going on 21 years, he has MY freezer full of pork, beef, turkey and fish. His waking hours are midnight to 5:30am including cooking. I respectfully ask to adjust or refrain. It appears to be a joke!

I want to arrange family meeting with my Mom, sister, and Dad. To speak with him. I will advise I am an adult and love him dearly and I need my space. He needs to go home. My Dad is passively, emotionally manipulative. But he does have some health issues which do not impede his ability to live alone. This is crazy I feel horrible like I'm killing someone, but I cry and feel uncomfortable all the time in my own home. I had initially thought to tell him I want space for Lent. Truth is I need space and time for my life. I can't attract a mate as there's no room for him in my life. Does anyone have a similar situation? Know of one? Can offer any advise? I feel horrible but I can't do ths anymore. Feels like a weird horrible breakup...and that's saying alot. I don't want Dad to feel abandoned.He has to go.

Thank you
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#2 of 3 Old 01-27-2012, 07:12 AM
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I would like to recommend a book to you:


Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward


Whether or not you think your father is toxic (from what you say, it sounds like it, though) the book will help you to disengage and stand up to him.


The reason you're having a hard time with this is because of your relationship with your father. If this were just some guy barging into your life, you would have told him off long ago and it never would have gotten to this point. The problem is, the respect you are showing to your father (not wanting to upset or uproot him) is not being mirrored back to you. This continues an unhealthy dynamic - one that's bad for BOTH of you.


Anyway, the book I mentioned is recommended all the time, it's not just a random book off the self-help shelf. It's a landmark work. It will probably be at your library, if book-buying funds are limited.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#3 of 3 Old 01-27-2012, 07:27 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you! I'm looking it up right now. I have to do something.And agree this is toxic. At this moment I ache and am cringing at having to really address this in this manner. I jusy don't kniw what to do and people are going to say horrible tjings about me like how I put my father out, but I'm not. He's an adult and had a great place. Toxic is a strong word, but the truth is the truth.

Thank you again for the suggestion it is accepted graciously.
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