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#451 of 462 Old 12-29-2013, 12:59 PM
 
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Aw thanks so much for all the input! Its just all so complicated. The whole thing started because my SIL had a baby Nov 30, she will not let my kids around him until he gets his 2 month shots. Well I was really offended at first, but I came across a verse in one of Pauls books that said something along the lines of, "if someone wants to be ignorant, let them be ignorant" so ok. Every mom is entitled to be extra protective of her newborn. Then my best friend saw BIL in walmart (the Friday before Cmas) with the 3 week old baby...
Fast fwd to Cmas eve day. MIL calls and leaves me a msg to come over in the morning to have Cmas breakfasts and open presents. BIL &SIL will be there but they are leaving the baby in the bedroom. So my first thought is, if he picked up a bug in walmart but shows symptoms after we were in the same house, they will blame us for getting him sick . I expressed this to DH. He was obviously still hurt that we can't be around him but they'll take him into the busiest store in town on the busiest day of the year . So when he called his mom he said he doesn't appreciate his kids being treated disease infested. That's when she cussed him out and hung up. But.... if she could express herself like that to her son, she was harboring all that hostility in her heart. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Idk what the *actual* issue at hand is. Its just convienent to blame it on our unvaxed kids. There's a much bigger picture beneath the surface.

And I kinda try to tell the kids that their nana just shows her love different.But she used to spend time with my kids and even have them spend the night almost every weekend . That is until Hailey was born . As soon as she came home from the hospital she has been at MILs almost everyday . Spends the night ALL the time. And that's when my kids began to see less and less of nana. No more sleep overs anymore . And my 5 yr old even asked why his picture is never on nanas computer, only Hailey... They realize what's going on. Its hard not to. Idk if she realizes that she's doing this or if she just doesn't care because of some offense she has toward me and/or DH...

bfinfant.gif  Breastfeeding, non-vaxing, homeschooling, baby wearing, cosleeping, non-cic'ing mama to CJsuperhero.gifAGdust.gifJJnono02.gifSDbabyboy.gif  And married my highschool sweetheart lovestory.gif

And expecting #5 in Nov. 2014 heartbeat.gif
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#452 of 462 Old 12-29-2013, 04:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just is NOT RIGHT on so many different levels. If I was in your shoes I would be mad too. In-laws gloomy.gif out-laws

 

I will be back to ask you gals about a situation that I'm having

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#453 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 08:56 AM
 
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Wanted to.share an update . She texted me this morning asking if she could bring Cmas presents over. If you have a sec pray that this would be a smooth heart to heart where everything is revealed and settled. Thank you.

I will update on how it goes later.

bfinfant.gif  Breastfeeding, non-vaxing, homeschooling, baby wearing, cosleeping, non-cic'ing mama to CJsuperhero.gifAGdust.gifJJnono02.gifSDbabyboy.gif  And married my highschool sweetheart lovestory.gif

And expecting #5 in Nov. 2014 heartbeat.gif
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#454 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 10:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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3LilChunklins- I sent out the movie...Let us know how it is going?

 

Here is my situation--

My husband and I have treated X & Y like friends. They have come over many times for dinner. X went to the concert with me. They have done many other things with us. Given B-day gifts... BUT they never give back. NEVER ask us over to dinner, or lets ____. You get the picture. (I feel like all I do is give) NOW I have a event coming up and I have to give ANOTHER gift. I am feeling like if they don't give back are they even my friends?

 

Do I say something OR just not say anything and NOT give a gift?

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#455 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 11:03 AM
 
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Hmmm that's tough. My sister is in a similar situation as far as always being the friend that she would like to have, inviting ppl over, sends gifts, etc... I think she ended up getting fed up, and rarely invites certain ppl anymore, I think if she's invited then shell bring a gift but like not send them for birth announcements and the like. I'll think on this and try to give you a better answer later...

So MIL came only stayed about half an hour. She was acting like nothing happened. Classic behavior, basically what I expected. So I brought up the whole thing with BIL taking baby to walmart. And she's like " Well he just got on my last nerve and I'm not sorry" I was flabergasted! Then she did confess that its been building up for awhile but gave lame, if not even untrue reasons. She said he never says hello to her, and that he thinks he always right (gee wonder where he gets it) and that he bends over backwards to help ppl except for them. It boils down to this, IMO, the Lord has changed our lives *radically * over the past 2 years, and I'm guessing they feel bad about continuing to do certain things because we stopped . In other words, they *want* to be offended, so they will be offended over anything .
Also, I told her how it breaks my heart that my kids ask why she loves Hailey more than them. As expected, she claims she doesn't, but yes she does go get her everyday, and she used to do that for them when they were little . Apparently we remember things very differntly because I remember the once a week sleep overs, but whatever, I'm not looking to start an argument here, at least now she knows this is how my kids feel.
I'm so tempted to text DH, this was a outta the clear blue visit, so I really just wanna like update him, but, I know it'll cause him unnecessary drama at work, so Ill wait till he comes home.

bfinfant.gif  Breastfeeding, non-vaxing, homeschooling, baby wearing, cosleeping, non-cic'ing mama to CJsuperhero.gifAGdust.gifJJnono02.gifSDbabyboy.gif  And married my highschool sweetheart lovestory.gif

And expecting #5 in Nov. 2014 heartbeat.gif
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#456 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 11:58 AM
 
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Nazsmum, I understand your confusion and frustration. To answer your question, IMO a person can still be a friend if they don't give back, but it probably won't be a very fulfilling friendship for the person who IS giving.

I'm sure you've analyzed potential reasons for the one-sided giving. Do you think it boils down to "that's just who they are" or could it be something like a messy house, introvert personality, ignorance of appropriate social behavior, depression, etc? If you think that's just who they are, perhaps it's not worth continuing the friendship at your current level of investment. Sometimes people just aren't good matches for one another and there's nothing wrong with that. If you think it's another cause, perhaps your friendship will lead and heal X and Y into bring better friends and, ultimately, disciples?

Regarding the upcoming event: if you aren't sure you want to continue the friendship (assuming they never change), could you use this as an opportunity to start distancing yourself? If you do want to keep them as friends/acquaintances, I suggest either taking no gift or a small, cheap token gift. There are very few events where a gift is actually necessary, and it sounds like you've already given your share.

We have friends who don't usually bring much (if anything), but they're always happy to be here and bring God's presence to our gathering. I know that's priceless to us as the hosts--maybe that's what you can do at this upcoming event? Focus on being the brightest version of you, beaming God's love into the hearts of everyone around you.
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#457 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 12:20 PM
 
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3LilChunklins, I'm sorry the heart to heart didn't go better. She sounds similar to my MIL. It's so difficult to interact with someone like that who's unwilling to take responsibility for their portion of the conflict.

I'm wondering what your husband's feelings are on the conflict on the phone and your kids' questions and hurt feelings? I ask because if MIL's behavior has been bad all of your husband's life, then you trying to make her understand and change most likely won't work. Your DH will most likely have to be the spearhead for change. If her behavior doesn't bother him enough to tackle it himself (which is maybe ok--we all have different tolerances), maybe you'll have to just distance yourself from it so it doesn't bother you so much.

In my experience, dealing with my MIL directly goes very bad. She misrepresents (and lies) about what I say to DH while complaining about me and planting seeds of doubt in his mind. So I'm left with nothing to gain from talking with her and a lot to lose. That's just my MIL though. She's extremely toxic. And she commits a lot of her "crimes" in the name of God. It's sickening. But that's a whole other story.

In re-reading your post, I noticed that she mentioned hurts she feels from your husband's behavior. It really really sounds like she and he need to have the heart to heart alone. This will allow each of them to voice their grievances and see if they can compromise. Otherwise, you run the risk of adding to the flame of conflict by sharing with DH what his mom said when maybe she would have changed her words if she was speaking directly to him (you never know). I'm not saying it clearly, I'm sorry. Basically just advising you to direct him to speak with his mom and leaving it at that. NOT relating everything she said, didn't say, and how it made you feel.

I'm sorry you're in a tough spot.
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#458 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 12:51 PM
 
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Thank you skinny. I needed to hear that. I was just doing the dishes and thinking, "he's going to be really upset. Should I even tell him? well I can't keep it from him... ah, what do I do?" I breifly thought of quickly calling the head pastor for advice, but I had to get a new phone and I can't even get my contacts outta the old one (that's how messed up my phone was) so I don't have his number.I should let him know his mom came by but he needs to go iron some things out with her.
I'm thinking too, she's hurt at him b/c before the Lord really changed us, he had her on a pedestal, she came before me in all circumstances. (Which I feel like I've been fighting her for my DH for years) It wasn't until he really encountered the Lord and had someone discipling him that I became the only woman to have reign in his heart. Not that he like broke up with his mother or anything, but now he doesn't come have coffee with her every morning, or stop and see her before he comes home from work, etc... that and he doesn't smoke weed with her (or at all) anymore, he just has become the new creation he supposed to be, and she doesn't like it. They think we drank too much kool aid or whatever.
She occasionally came to our old church. But she doesn't want anything to do with where we go now. She doesn't want to hear her own son preach. (I would be so honored if I ever got the chance to hear one of my sons preach and be used by God)
I knew things were going downhill for awhile. But DH acts like it doesn't bother him, saying how he has thick skin, and his true family are the ones that do the will of the Father. Which he's right, but my point is he won't open up to me if his feelings get hurt.

Naz- I think skinny is right. Either distance yourself from these friends or just get a little something.

bfinfant.gif  Breastfeeding, non-vaxing, homeschooling, baby wearing, cosleeping, non-cic'ing mama to CJsuperhero.gifAGdust.gifJJnono02.gifSDbabyboy.gif  And married my highschool sweetheart lovestory.gif

And expecting #5 in Nov. 2014 heartbeat.gif
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#459 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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3LilChunklins- The Lord knows your heart. That is what matters most. I will pray for wisdom and healing

 

skinnyloveBC- I'm just not sure what they are thinking/doing. I KNOW they have other over & give nice gifts to others...you know what I just answered my own question duh.gif

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#460 of 462 Old 12-30-2013, 09:01 PM
 
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Well, I ended up just kinda waiting to see how this would play itself out. I felt like sending him to talk to his mom was like sending him into a warzone with a blind fold on kwim? So I decided to not mention it, but if he noticed some of the kids new stuff and asked where it came from I would be honest in saying his mom, but not indulge the juicy details unless asked specific questions about how our visit went, so on and so forth.
When this did end up coming up, he immediately recognized the spiritual side. He's not angry with her. He knows the spirit that has ahold on her (Jezabel) is opposing the Spirit within him. I gotta give him a lot of credit for using his spiritual eyes and being mature.

Sorry those friends of yours are being so lame Naz. I have a christian sister in NJ she lives near Freehold. PM me if u would like her email address, maybe you two can meet up for a playdate somewhere ...

bfinfant.gif  Breastfeeding, non-vaxing, homeschooling, baby wearing, cosleeping, non-cic'ing mama to CJsuperhero.gifAGdust.gifJJnono02.gifSDbabyboy.gif  And married my highschool sweetheart lovestory.gif

And expecting #5 in Nov. 2014 heartbeat.gif
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#461 of 462 Old 12-31-2013, 04:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Good morning on this LAST DAY of 2013 :nod WOW where did the year go??? Crazy fun.

 

Thanks 3LilChunklins.

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#462 of 462 Old 01-01-2014, 06:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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eveyone over to a new year--NEW THREAD

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